Red flags for my sons to watch out for?

[MellowAutumn]

I have very firm ideas to pass on to my DD about red flags to watch out for in relationships thanks to MN but have few things to tell my sons to be aware of in potential female partners. What red flags do you think women wave?

Or women who make fun of other academic ability for no reason

OK, ones I'll be telling DS.

Be wary of any woman who uses crying to win an argument.

Be wary of any woman who appears to not be able to afford her lifestyle, designer handbags with a grand of disposable income each month, fine. Designer handbags funded by credit cards, or parents, or boyfriend, not good. Additionally, be wary of any woman with ambitions for a lifestyle who is without the ambitions towards a job that will pay for it. She is looking to someone else to fund it, never, ever good, even if you can afford it. (this is particularly important if your DS looks like he's going to end up successful, you want them to end up with a woman who loves him, not his earning potential)

Be wary of any woman who shows no interest in your work, friends, interests. It's ok not to be into rugby or gaming too, but to show no interest in you do isn't good.

Be wary of any woman who wants to change you dramatically. A lot of woman do seem to want to change a man and it's seen as acceptable for a lot of people - she'll either fail and will be unhappy with who you are, or she'll succeed and you'll be unhappy with who you are, find someone who wants you - not an improved version of you.

Tell him exactly the same red flags as you would your daughter or you are doing him a disservice.

threebeeOneGee and GimmeDaBoobehz got good lists.

i'd say also be careful of anyone who leaves you often feeling oddly confused after you talk to them and vaguely dissatisfied or as if something isn't right but you can't say what. Incredibly hard to pin down sorry. But if that happens, it's just possible they are manipulating you but you don't have the experience (yet) to see it. But listen to your gut instinct at that point, if it happens regularly

Go for gf/bfs who are pass the waitress test and who, when they are angry, resolve it well. Um. Right ... as if anyone in love is really going to listen to the last point ....

oh and be wary of any woman with no female friends.

be wary of any woman who doesn't trust you (assuming you've given her no reason not to trust you)

I echo being wary of women who make no provision to earn a living for themselves.

Also women who aren't interested in their interests (it is possible), lazy women who expect everyone to run around after them, women who don't take care of themselves or their environment.

Women who are jealous of other women - rarely a sign of a genuine, nice person either.

Yes agreed lessmissabs

I would add to that be ware of women who have chaotic lifestyle

Eg drug users

Alcoholics

And women who have issues around ss and there children

You don't need the drama

Oh and I would say if you do date someone with children avoid women who don't care weather you get on with there children or not

Some general points that would apply to any relationship.

• Compatible attitudes to money, which you could probably widen out to compatible attitudes to risk. As an extension of that, for me, gambling would be a complete no no. It would make me physically ill if our household income was put at risk that way.

• Similar sense of humour.

• I'm not sure how easy it would be to in a relationship of any length with somebody whose views on religion, politics, social and moral issues etc etc were markedly different. That's common sense, but one area where I think a couple absolutely has to be on the same page is the very tricky issue of what you would do if you found your unborn child had a serious disability. It's too late to find you've got completely different ideas about termination in those circumstances once the pregnancy is under way. Another massively important issue is whether you both want to have children, or vice versa.

Being compatible with family getting with someone who you know won't get on with family is not a no no but something to think about

It adds a whole layer of complexity to a relationship

It's important to see their reactions in disagreements before you even think of taking them seriously. Anyone who refuses to listen and uses screaming, sulking, threats or/and violence instead of talking is best avoided.

The most important thing is to find someone with a similar outlook on life; same work ethic, manners, education, health, religion, raising of children etc... Those are the issues which will cause the biggest arguments when you move in together or settle down to have a family and have opposing outlooks.

Potential inlaws are a good indicator of what a future partner will be like, people are products of their environment, some will rebel, most will continue the cycle they were raised in. If there are issues in the family which you wouldn't like to have inflicted on your own life and future children; communication/food/discipline/ bad attitudes... then you have to make sure that potential partner is aware of, opposed to and has moved on from them.

I would tell my son to never buy a partner's affections. I do know some teenage girls who seem to see relationships as a means of subsidizing their lifestyles. If it all hinges on what he can buy her, he should call it a day.

Sad I agree that there is a fair few threads that do that.

If she is being controlling I normally ignore it as it's just frustrating.

However if it's because he gets nasty when drunk/hasn't helped out with the kids at all etc I can understand why she doesn't want him to go out but then I think having a grown up conversation with the man is in order and to explain why she doesn't want him to go out and how it makes her feel. But ultimately it's his choice whether he does in the end go out.

I hate anyone man or woman saying 'how do I stop my wife/husband/partner from going out or doing x,y or z' because actually you can't make someone do something else.

Rant over. :)

Anyone who calls you at work unnecessarily, of either gender.

I had to sit through a series of increasingly needy and paranoid phonecalls to a colleague (on speaker because we were double-manning an HGV) while culminated in a shrieking accusation of infidelity. With me.

I broke the silence with the comment "rabbit stew for tea tonight?".

"That was my wife."

"Ah".

I'm definitely in agreement with your list Don't you got some things I missed out.

I'd also like to add to the list that they try and get along with your family. It's not a given that they will but they should make an effort to meet them, be polite to them.

Be wary of any partner who wants to keep you away from family or friends. Especially if they use these phrases:
'Your mother/best friend/sister is no good for you.'
'None of them care for you the same way that I do.'
'I know that your family don't care/respect you.'
'I don't feel comfortable with you going to visit your Mum/friend' especially if when asked why there is no good reason given such as a drinking problem, for example.

I told my dds exactly the same as dss.

is the person well liked? do they have friends of both sexes not just exes?

how do they treat animals? how do they regard older people? are they hard working and thoughtful?

are they kind, supportive, honest and caring.

oh to add one finger laid on you in temper, just one time, either sex, dump dump now.

I don't necessarily agree with needing to have lots of friends, there may be very valid reasons why a person doesn't have a wide circle of friends, or has lost the ones that had (I know a lot of care leavers who end up isolated).

In regards to some of these on this thread, if the GF/BF is old enough for then to apply, then your DS or DD will be an adult, who has missed what early red flags are and have moved on to the next stage.

Yes birds my oh doesn't have any friends and he's lovely

also be wary of women who are too independent if that's the right phrase I once had a friend who would ring her dad to do every thin got even to put right project her dp had done she wouldn't let him do anything and if there was something he couldn't afford or would not do she would just say right I will ask my dad then I think men do like to feel like men and he shouldn't be ashamed of wanting to take care of his own family

Dontmindifido
My DD only has a couple of female friends and for various reasons doesn't socialise a lot with them. She is more often to be seen down the pub or at the cinema with a gang of lads.
I can't see why being a bit of a tomboy/geeky type would be a red flag.

Tomboy/geeky girls are just fine.

However, DS1 has a girl in his class (Yr 9) who says she wants to marry a man and then divorce him to get his money. There is a bit of a clique of girly girls who are obsessed with makeup, clothes and generally splashing the cash as they have quite wealthy parents.

I do think a girl who is only looking for a bloke to support her lifestyle is a big red flag.