Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To dump this friend once and for all now?

34 replies

chalchalchal · 13/01/2014 18:47

I've been friends with her for over 20 years, and we were best friends at school. Although looking back our friendship was rather like an abusive relationship, with her being the abusive one. She would be all nice and friendly with me, and I'd feel like we were really good friends and then suddenly I'd go into school and she would be ignoring me, whispering about me, and in a bad mood with me.

I'd end up alone for a few weeks, as she was really popular, and then she'd slowly start to be my friend again, be very nice, and then go back to being horrible again. Just a circle of behaviour really.

Fast forward to now; I'm still "friends" with her, probably out of habit more than anything really. I don't see her loads, but it's dawned on me recently that she is still doing the same thing that she did at school.

I saw quite a lot of her in December; we had coffee a couple of times, and went on a night out (all instigated by her). I enjoyed meeting up with her each time, and enjoyed catching up with her. She then sent me a text message on Christmas day wishing me a Happy Christmas.

And since then she has been really off with me again, and I don't know why, as per usual. It usually starts with her ignoring anything I comment on her Facebook and liking comments from everyone else. She also ignores texts. And appears to be very chummy with mutual friends. It's difficult to explain, but she has always done it in such a way so that it's obvious to me that she's ignoring me but not obvious to anyone else. And, well, it just reminds me of being at school. I know that in a month or two she'll be all over me again and want to meet up again.

I am thinking now though that enough is enough, and that I'm not prepared to tolerate her hot and cold behaviour any longer, especially when I've never actually done anything to cause her to behave this way. She is quite a controlling, manipulative person, and would never admit she was wrong.

AIBU to dump her now, ignore any further messages from her and just to let things drift?

OP posts:
TheFutureSupremeRulersMum · 13/01/2014 18:48

Maybe she feels she is always the one to organise things and wants you to get in touch with her for once. Alternatively, she is being an arse.

JustALittleGreen · 13/01/2014 18:49

Yanbu

Bogeyface · 13/01/2014 18:49

Its the best thing you can do for 2 reasons.

The first being it will free you of the toxic user.
The second being, it will drive her POTTY! :o

chalchalchal · 13/01/2014 18:50

I do get in touch with her. When she's in these moods she totally ignores me though. When she's 'normal' towards me I'd say we get in touch with each other equally

OP posts:
appletarts · 13/01/2014 18:50

Just dump her, be prepared for her to come clawing after you and just keep walking away. She sounds awful.

chalchalchal · 13/01/2014 18:50

Haha Bogeyface yes it will definitely drive her potty! Especially as she likes to be in control of things and to dictate when she and I are friends.

OP posts:
pilates · 13/01/2014 18:54

She sounds like a control freak.

Have you even spoken to her about her weird behaviour and how you find it upsetting?

BlackDaisies · 13/01/2014 18:56

I had a friend like this. Eventually I stopped bothering. I haven't seen her for about 20 years now, though I sometimes wonder what became of her. She wasn't a happy person really. I would start investing your time in people who treat you well.

chalchalchal · 13/01/2014 18:56

Yeah, loads of times, pilates.

Whenever I've asked her during these episodes if I've done something to upset her, she always says that I haven't, and that nothing's wrong. But it's obvious that there is something wrong...

You're right, she is a total control freak. She likes everything her own way, on her own terms

OP posts:
pilates · 13/01/2014 19:02

I wouldn't want a "friend" like that in my life.

Really think you need to have it out with her one more time that you are not prepared to put up with her hot and cold behaviour anymore and if she wants to continue with the friendship she needs to change her ways.

Good luck and be prepared she will walk.

Andanotherthing123 · 13/01/2014 19:09

Dump her-20 years is long enough for a friendship like this. Sounds exhausting.

MamaJazzHands · 13/01/2014 19:14

Yes agree total control freak, she wants you to be her friend when it suits her and she will decide when she picks you up and puts you down and as long as you keep going back to her she will keep treating you like this.

My own DD has a friend exactly like this, took me a long time to get DD to see what I was seeing. My DD Thankfully refused to play ball and she is now the one to call the shots. The friend doesn't like it one bit but I think she knows that dd will no longer take it lying down
But the difference is these are 11 year old girls!!

If she hasn't grown out of that behaviour after 20 years, Then she's not likely to change now.

Drop her, You don't need her, (that's what she Is banking on), Show her you can manage perfectly fine without her.

eddielizzard · 13/01/2014 19:15

i know someone like this. is awful. i think it's time to move on...

YouTheCat · 13/01/2014 19:15

I wouldn't waste my breath having anything out with her. She'll just deny it and make out like you have the problem.

Do what you plan to and just don't respond to her any more.

ParsleyTheLioness · 13/01/2014 19:18

I think its easy to assume that abusive relationships are restricted to sexual relationships. Not so. But this assumption makes it harder to make the connection and perhaps longer to do something about it. You are better out of this one OP...

RunRunRuby · 13/01/2014 19:21

Ignore her and focus on your real friends. I have to admit I'd want to give her a little taste of her on medicine with the whole Facebook thing but perhaps you're more mature than I am Grin personally I wouldn't say anything to her about her behaviour, or even that you are ending the friendship, as she may well twist what you say and use it to try and turn people against you.

OldBagWantsNewBag · 13/01/2014 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lottystar · 13/01/2014 19:41

Is she jealous of you op? I had a friend like this who was a energy drain for around 10 years. She would do exactly what this 'friend' of yours is doing. It took a mutual good friend to point out to me that she was jealous and I just couldn't see it, her behaviour perplexed me. The final straw came when after being my bridesmaid and me introducing her to her now husband, she didn't invite me to their wedding. I was gutted at the time but she did me a favour, I no longer have to listen to her 'me me' conversation and selfish, dull chat. It's hard when someone has been in your life so long, even when abusive, to say goodbye. I think you should, she'll miss you before you miss her x

chalchalchal · 14/01/2014 09:15

I think she is a bit jealous, yes. She is quite a jealous person in general, and there are a few things in my life that I think she's jealous of.

I think she also possibly says things behind my back to other friends of hers, as I always feel three or four of them are a bit funny with me. It's hard to put my finger on it but I definitely feel a bit of a chill towards me from them. They're all a bit snappy with me.

OP posts:
OldBagWantsNewBag · 14/01/2014 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 14/01/2014 11:26

Life's too short, distance yourself now!

OldBagWantsNewBag · 14/01/2014 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JimmyChooChoo · 14/01/2014 11:55

Cut her out. There wasn't one positive thing you said about her in your OP.

Block/delete her on FB, if she calls or texts IGNORE her.

She's not nice to you OP. She isn't a friend to you.

You deserve better. Get rid of her, get her out of your life

You will be SO happy and it will be so worth it OP

pigletmania · 14/01/2014 21:42

I know old, she is more like a bad habit which needs cutting off

drbonnieblossman · 14/01/2014 22:09

let the friendship drift and there'll be no hard feelings then.

don't have people in your life who don't enhance it