To dump this friend once and for all now?

[chalchalchal]

I've been friends with her for over 20 years, and we were best friends at school. Although looking back our friendship was rather like an abusive relationship, with her being the abusive one. She would be all nice and friendly with me, and I'd feel like we were really good friends and then suddenly I'd go into school and she would be ignoring me, whispering about me, and in a bad mood with me.

I'd end up alone for a few weeks, as she was really popular, and then she'd slowly start to be my friend again, be very nice, and then go back to being horrible again. Just a circle of behaviour really.

Fast forward to now; I'm still "friends" with her, probably out of habit more than anything really. I don't see her loads, but it's dawned on me recently that she is still doing the same thing that she did at school.

I saw quite a lot of her in December; we had coffee a couple of times, and went on a night out (all instigated by her). I enjoyed meeting up with her each time, and enjoyed catching up with her. She then sent me a text message on Christmas day wishing me a Happy Christmas.

And since then she has been really off with me again, and I don't know why, as per usual. It usually starts with her ignoring anything I comment on her Facebook and liking comments from everyone else. She also ignores texts. And appears to be very chummy with mutual friends. It's difficult to explain, but she has always done it in such a way so that it's obvious to me that she's ignoring me but not obvious to anyone else. And, well, it just reminds me of being at school. I know that in a month or two she'll be all over me again and want to meet up again.

I am thinking now though that enough is enough, and that I'm not prepared to tolerate her hot and cold behaviour any longer, especially when I've never actually done anything to cause her to behave this way. She is quite a controlling, manipulative person, and would never admit she was wrong.

AIBU to dump her now, ignore any further messages from her and just to let things drift?

Friendships do not have to be so randomly awkward, they can just be nice safe and supportive. I'd look for more of these and keep her at a bit more of a distance so that her changeableness doesn't impact on you so much.

It almost sounds like your friendship with her is stuck in the playground..... She seems to still treat you the way she did when you were children. I doubt she would do this to someone she met now.......

Personally I can't be doing with lots of friends. A few good ones snd generally friendly to most people to know socially is good enough for me. Weed your social garden, and get rid of her

thank you everyone for the replies and comments

PeterAndresSprayTanner yes, that is exactly what she is/wants. It's like she wants to be in total control of everything regarding our friendship.

It's hard to exactly pinpoint what she does but I just know when she's in one of those phases that she's deliberately ignoring me and trying to exclude me. I've got other long term close friends and I find with them that I'm able to just pick up the friendship whenever, as are they, and I always know where I stand with them, and vice versa. With this friend I'm always unsure and to an extent treading on eggshells.

I've definitely decided not to make any contact with her again, and to be busy when she suggests meeting up next time. The more I think about it the more I realise I don't need her 'friendship'.

OP, she is a frenemy

if you feel you cant face the drama and upset, can you just slow things down??

for example, you say she ignores you for a while?

hide her on facebook
see if she contacts you
take your time to reply, if at all...
see mutual friends on your own, and say nothing

some space will help you decide if you want to (a) cut or (b) have a frank chat

Weed your social garden

!!!!! love it, will be nabbing that phrase

I know someone like this, she seems to cycle between the same friends continuously. She'll be close to one friend for a while then will swap to another, then back. Presumably she stays with each friend until they annoy her about something, some perceived insult like not saying the right thing or whatever, then picks up with the other friend again.

If it's like that, it's probably best to cool things to a permanently casual thing (e.g. if you have mutual friends and will see each other in company occasionally) or just close it off completely. She'll find someone else to play these games with after a while.

Yes that is exactly what she's like! She has a circle of several friends, there are around 4 others (these are the ones that I find off-ish with me), with sometimes the occasional temporary bestie thrown in. I am pretty sure the temporary besties soon get fed up with her and her controlling ways.

She has this knack of making me feel really appreciative when she makes an effort and I guess I am flattered that she wants to spend time with me. She behaves in a very childish way but on the other hand it's also very clever, as she does seem to have a hold over a lot of people.

op yadnbu to end it. I wanted to do the exact same thing for 2 the last years. I recently did end the friendship. The relief is great! I don't miss them and would recommend the same. What you have described isn't how a friendship should be. good luck.