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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To struggle to know if I love my dh : (

32 replies

sugar4eva · 13/01/2014 13:47

Been with dh long time . Two dc. Both care for aach other . Married young . I have changed ; needed security , someone to listen. He broke my trust once and since then never felt same tho I have forgiven him and now trust him its marked me somehow. He is a kind quiet man who shares little. He is introverted but can be funny .i think we have grown apart . I don't look forward to him comming home; I don't miss him if he is away. I don't mean to be awful it's just the truth. When we go out I enjoy his company . I feel I would like him to share more but with hectic job and his natural internal nature I don't think that will happen ; in fact he has tried to be more out there as he knows it s an issue but he just changes back a d is it fair to ask someone to change, I guess not.
So here I am he is sad I am sad ; I care for him but I just don't know if its enough. We have two d. C and it would mean a life of financial difficulty splitting up as there is no way I can get additional hours at work due to cutbacks. I have tried and tried to be posititive. We went to counselling two years ago and it really helped for a while as we re discovered each other ; but you can't have a councelller move in with you to keep it going. We are just like pals that care for our lovely d c s:(

OP posts:
Original poster
sugar4eva · 13/01/2014 14:19

Bump

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/01/2014 14:22

I think at the end of the day you are what you are...you can try and change to make someone happy but ultimately if you don't feel those changes and want them for yourself then you will just slip back.

How do you feel if you think about growing old without him - does that make you feel happy or sad.

It's hard sometimes to acknowledge to ourselves that something has run it's course but really if you are not happy then you can't stay just for the sake of any easy life, that's not fair to you or him.

Do you take time out for each other? Go out as a couple without the DC.

Do you want to be with him forever?

Original poster
sugar4eva · 13/01/2014 14:32

Thankyou for your reply .i can't discuss this in r l as we have joint friends and its not fair. We do go out together , it's nice ; that's all. Used to look up to him admire him . Now I know he is nice , kind , reliable : feels a bit blaaagh empty. Don't want to hug him, but know he a nice man. He v dep on me only one friend and exhausting job : comes home worn out. Doesn't want socialise at weekends etc which I can understand .i know I should not put money into equation but it could effect my ds who is due to go to uni.
As for do I want to grow old with him. I did . I can't imagine not as have been with him since a teen 30 + years......ie majority of my life..

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YouTheCat · 13/01/2014 14:36

Do you have any outside interests and things to do? Evening classes? Just because he likes to stay in, doesn't mean you have to.

Personally I think there's a lot to be said for companionship with a kind man. You obviously care for each other but you're just different.

Original poster
sugar4eva · 13/01/2014 14:40

Yes I do . I ride and I make things. I go dancing.i have a group of close friends.
I have had a significant series of family losses and wonder if it is making me think life is too short. I am embarrassed to admit this but I just don't fancy him mentally which I used to and so therefore I don't physically or mentally now . Feel terrible saying this.:(

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Original poster
sugar4eva · 13/01/2014 14:41

Yes I do . I ride and I make things. I go dancing.i have a group of close friends.
I have had a significant series of family losses and wonder if it is making me think life is too short. I am embarrassed to admit this but I just don't fancy him mentally which I used to and so therefore I don't physically or mentally now . Feel terrible saying this.:(

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YouTheCat · 13/01/2014 14:41

Would he be willing to do something together once a week? Just so you have something to connect over.

Adeleh · 13/01/2014 14:43

Might be worth trying counselling again, if it was successful for a while afterwards? Good counsellors don't want you to need them indefinitely - they want you to learn strategies that are effective for you and help you to work through your situation. Why not try again something that worked last time? There seem to be an awful lot of positives in your marriage - and a great deal still binding you to your DH. I also think that if people aren't sure if they love someone, they usually do - but it's so easy to take each other for granted and for the love to be buried.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2014 14:44

Significant that he broke your trust. It's gone in a heartbeat and, once you can't trust someone, however hard you try and however nice they may be, it makes it almost impossible to love them again. Colours everything and not in a good way

If you feel you can't discuss your problems with RL friends you could always ask Relate or similar to give you individual counselling. Help you understand why you feel obliged to stick around someone you don't trust and maybe ease the transition from that to a good split and a happier rest of your life.

Original poster
sugar4eva · 13/01/2014 14:44

Yes tried that : like it at the time . It's nice but sadly couple hours in the week is a small amount out of a whole week ....

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BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/01/2014 14:45

Sugar I think what you say re losses would have a big impact on you and your feelings - how long have you felt this way? Does it come and go in waves or do you continously feel like it?

I have been with DH for 23 years now and a few times I have felt the same, planned escapism in my head and generally thought what a nice time I would have on my own. However, I love DH dearly and can't really imagine life without him but yeah when he is being a misery, escape sounds nice.

The question is do you want to fix things or is it done? If you don't want to then there is your answer, you just need to face it.

Original poster
sugar4eva · 13/01/2014 14:53

Yes I wd fix if I could . Councelling was fab . Two years on after two significant losses feel as if back to square one. Maybe counselling worth a try . I feel he will just do what I say which is part of the problem! If I don't suggest it we won't go if I do I guess we will . One of the issues the councellor said was for him to be more pro active in the relationship and it doesn't happen. To be fair we have had lot on plate, but as said up post you only change if you want to.. He says he does but reverts back . We had exlent councellor Nd she thought he genuine wanted to change but it felt that he wd talk there but struggled to hangs at home. This is we're I've lost patience as I got too sad hoping he wd change a little as he had gone more inward as he got older cf to when I met him partly linked to work pressures. I tried to say well I've got to adapt but that's hard too : so struggling!.

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Original poster
sugar4eva · 13/01/2014 14:55

Ps

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Original poster
sugar4eva · 13/01/2014 14:56

Ps apologies for typos - have left specs at work and small keyboard on phone!

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Justforlaughs · 13/01/2014 14:56

I could have written your post OP. In virtually the same boat - except that he hasn't broken my trust. I don't know what to do either. Long relationship/ marriage, kids... no major issues, just no "zing" anymore. Same old, same old. Nothing to talk about except the kids. Sad

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/01/2014 14:58

Well, you want to fix it....he wants to fix it.....so surely it must be fixable. Can you go back to counselling. Have the losses his hit hard as well. My DH lost his brother last year and it made him very depressed, he was in a black fog that took him months to get out of.

No you can't just adapt, you both need to work at it, don't just put up and shut up, this is the only life you get, you need to be happy.

Original poster
sugar4eva · 13/01/2014 14:59

Just ... Know what it's like and so hard to comprehend any alternatives. I don't mind if it was genuinely platonic but he wants to be close to me and that zing is not thee.do you feel lonley? Got to go back to work now but can return later.

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Justforlaughs · 13/01/2014 15:02

Will pm you later - I've got to go now as well

Original poster
sugar4eva · 13/01/2014 15:03

Betty . Thanks councelling sounds like a good idea. Last night I said I thought may be end line and he has taken it as so you want to end it and moved out bedroom. This fairly typical not to make suggestions and wait for my lead. I don't mean to be horrid but he will wait for me to take action and I don't like that I'm so much in the driving seat. ..may be I will ask him if he thinks anything wd help.

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BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/01/2014 15:04

I don't think the zing lasts forever though, but it's realising that that the is hard bit. The problem is we watch all these flipping movies that portray love and relationships in such an unrealistic way that it makes us unhappy with what we have.

Original poster
sugar4eva · 13/01/2014 15:08

Thank you Betty; will chew on that. I guess I don't know how to have intimacy with a man when there is no attraction / zing tho and it causes me major mental challenges! : (

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BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/01/2014 15:14

Well, there does need to be intimacy or you are just room mates or whatever. Of course, if you are both happy with that then all well and good but obviously you aren't.

Could your DH be depressed?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2014 15:36

FWIW Counselling is pointless with someone that doesn't want to acknowledge there's a problem. It's also pointless if they simply say the right things in the counselling sessions but revert to type once they are back home (your remark about not having the counsellor move in with you). It's not about 'zing' or romance or some unrealistic fantasy, it's about sharing your life with someone who enhances it rather than dragging it down. And, in a good relationship, that's a given. This is simply a bad relationship.

What was it he did that broke your trust?

liquoriceandtomatoes · 13/01/2014 15:51

Sugar and Just
I could've also written this! Very sad and confusing when there is no spark. Because we live in London, can't afford to seperate and we're friends and get on so our situation could go on for years. But we no longer have sex. We're good friends who live together and love dc. But zero excitement! I've changed and now find different things attractive. I also get sick of initiating stuff but it's more than that.
So no advice just that I can feel what you're saying.

usuallyright · 13/01/2014 16:29

by break your trust, do you mean had an affair? If so, I can understand: if he's already boring you and getting on your nerves, a past infidelity will always linger in the background, whether you've forgiven or not.

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