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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send my DS to nursery?

40 replies

ileypie · 13/01/2014 09:35

First AIBU go easy on me...

I'm currently on maternity leave and due to my childminder letting me down I have moved my DS to nursery. He hates it he started last week and today is his fourth time there, however since he started he has completely changed from a happy confident little boy to a miserable clingy unhappy child. I can't bare to see it, yesterday he was fine and back to himself and it was great to see he was only like this because he made me promise he wasn't going to nursery!

So my question is this AIBU to still send him and hope he settles or shall I split the time he would be at nursery with his nannas (which he enjoys and always asks for them). If I keep him there how long should I wait for him to settle? And if I take him out will it be any better when he starts school nursery next January?

I should mention my DS is 2.3 and baby due next month. Please help!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 13/01/2014 09:43

Why make him do something he clearly hates?

I wouldn't send him. If he never settles (and it may just be that particular nursery) you'll have put him through a long time of unpleasantness.

He's telling you something. You should listen.

PrimalLass · 13/01/2014 09:46

I kept sending my DS 2 days, and now wish I hadn't. It wasn't fair on him at all, but I was struggling with him plus a newborn. I feel ashamed of myself tbh. Sad

catgirl1976 · 13/01/2014 09:51

I think you should have given him more time to settle in tbh. But now you have made him a promise I think you ought to keep it

Original poster
ileypie · 13/01/2014 09:58

That's why I'm here because I am listening and want to make sure I do the right thing by him, I don't want to pull him out of nursery if it would be better for him to give him a little time. I don't want to take him out now and go through it all again when he starts school nursery, will it be any better?

OP posts:
Chopsypie · 13/01/2014 10:08

I started my son in a local nursery at 2.8. He hated it. I gave it 6 weeks then took him out

He started school nursery at 3.1 and took to it immediately and loves it.

It may be the nursery isn't right for him. Can you possibly find another childminder?

Original poster
ileypie · 13/01/2014 10:24

That good to hear, there are no other suitable childminders near me and I don't drive to try in another village. Has anyone else found it better they start nursery once there a bit older?

OP posts:
MarjorieChardem · 13/01/2014 10:27

Ah bless him, It's still early days yet, my DS wasn't keen on nursery in the slightest and sobbed for the first week or so. Was horrible. BUT he adores it now, it took probably a couple of weeks to settle. Are the nursery understanding? Could you stay a few more times?

Original poster
ileypie · 13/01/2014 10:47

Yes the nursery are understanding however when I spoke to them today they said that he just lays hiding and sobbing. The thing is this is soo out of character he's the most confident little boy you'd ever meet normally nothing phases him so this has thrown me didnt see it coming. This is what has got me thinking that something really isn't right.

OP posts:
Andanotherthing123 · 13/01/2014 11:01

Both my DC were in daycare and I was always told that DS1 would cheer up the minute I left, having indulged in a fair bit of crying and leg holding. Does your son enjoy any part of the day? Has his character changed on the days he's not there too?

If he's not happy for large portions of the day and it's affecting him in general I'd be tempted to pull him out. Talk to the daycare worker again and ask them what they think,whether he does enjoys bits of it and if there's anything they and you can do to help him settle in.

IME crying and not wanting to go before drop off is normal, but being unhappy for hours isn't.hope that helps. Is very hard being a parent and knkwing what's the right choice!

redskyatnight · 13/01/2014 11:25

DS started at nursery at a similar sort of age. I think it took him a few weeks to truly settle. Remember he has a whole new routine, place and people to get used to so a lot of the grumpiness you're seeing is just because he's tired and overwhelmed. (plus I think it's a bad age for separation anxiety).

Doingakatereddy · 13/01/2014 11:29

I'd pull him out. DS went to nursery & loved it, I had to change nursery and popped him in a local one.

Like your DS the change was dramatic & immediate. I tried for another two sessions, then took him out. Two months later, tried another venue & he lived it.

Listen to him x

Lucylouby · 13/01/2014 11:32

He is just 2 and not enjoying it. I wouldn't send him. Yes, some children have to be left for parents to go to work,, but if you don't have to leave him, why do it if he is not enjoying it. If his nan is willing to have him and he is willing to be left there, I think that would be lovely for him.

Once baby is here, you can reevaluate what's going on. It will be a big change for him Anyway, becoming a big brother, without added stress of being taken to a nursery he isn't enjoying.

onceipopicantstop · 13/01/2014 11:33

Does he understand about the new baby? Just wondering if you being on mat leave, imminent new sibling and starting nursery has just been too much to take on?

Thymeout · 13/01/2014 11:34

I'd let him go to his nannies. He's got a new brother/sister arriving very soon. I don't think he'll be settled by then and another upheaval will set him back.

He'll be a whole year older when he starts school nursery. No need to think you'll have the same problem then.

Hiding and sobbing the whole time sounds as if he's inconsolable. It just feels so wrong when there's no need, with gp available.

PrimalLass · 13/01/2014 11:35

My 8-year-old is still clingy at 8. He thinks I am going to abandon him. I can only assume it is because of nursery (which was unnecessary but I suspect I had some PND and could not cope with the long days with both all week). Think of the money you will save if you take him out.

YesAnastasia · 13/01/2014 11:36

It a horrible feeling when they don't enjoy it.

I took my DS1 out of nursery after a few months because it wasn't right for various reasons. I'll never regret taking him out but I would have regretted leaving him there.

You have instincts for a reason. I think it's different when they cry initially then calm down and enjoy it, my DS2's nursery sent me a photo of him laughing & playing literally 15min after I left a distraught, crying, snotty child feeling wretched. I have never been so grateful for a picture message.

If that wasn't the case & he was telling me all the time that he hated going & it was making him unhappy I would've whipped him out of there as fast as I could.

It's up to you to make the decision. Just make the decision confidently because you know your child better than anyone.

BeaWheesht · 13/01/2014 11:37

I wouldn't send him, definitely not. He has enough to deal with at the moment. Can't he just stay home with you if you're on ML?

Antidote · 13/01/2014 11:41

If you have an alternative, I'd use it and pull him out off nursery for now.

DS had 6 weeks at a child minder when he was 2.4 as emergency child care (nanny left 6 weeks before we moved 250 miles away) and he hated it. He cried and cried at pick up and drop off. Apparently he was fine during the day but he isn't smiling in any of the photos we have of him for those weeks. I still feel sad about it.

On the positive side, a week after we moved we (cautiously) started at a nursery 2 days a week and he loved it. Interestingly lots of the slightly younger children starting nursery earlier this year were also making a real meal of it and looking very sad.

I think early 2's is a really funny age, and you have to take some cues from them.

Nanny0gg · 13/01/2014 12:43

they said that he just lays hiding and sobbing.

Take him out.
Now.

Finola1step · 13/01/2014 13:00

Both my dc have been in day nurseries from 8 months. Both loved it. I am a primary school teacher and would usually recommend giving it some time.

The vast majority if children who are unsettled upon arrival, usually settle and enjoy some aspects of the session. This then gets built up over a small period of time.

But from what you have described, your son is not enjoying any part of this experience. You have another childcare option in sending him to his Nannas. Take him out.

He's not ready. He has a very big change coming up. Do not make it harder on him or yourself. Maybe try again in another setting after Easter or wait until September. He will settle when you try again when he is a bit older but it sounds like that this situation, right now is not going to work for him.

Finola1step · 13/01/2014 13:02

Also, forgot to add. As he has been used to going to a childminder, this is not about him never being seperated from you. Even more reason to take him out now.

WaitMonkey · 13/01/2014 13:05

Listen to him, he's only a baby. Take him out.

lilyaldrin · 13/01/2014 13:06

If he's miserable and doesn't have to be there, don't send him.

thegreylady · 13/01/2014 13:06

You have an appropriate, loving alternative to nursery so I would use it without a doubt. Why put your child through unneccessary distress at such a young age. Leave it a year if possible.

Original poster
ileypie · 13/01/2014 16:08

Thank you for all of your advise! I should of mentioned what prompt my post was his reaction this morning when I dropped him off. When I picked up this afternoon he was as happy as Larry, they said he had cheered up when they took him into the smaller room and he had a good day.

So now I am confused he said when I picked him up that he had a good day and he wants to go back but now he is saying no more nursery again! Do you think seen as though he's had a good day today to see how he gets on the rest of the week, he's only got two more mornings this week.

The main reason I send him is because his nan isn't really the best person to be having him regular and I wanted to settle him before the baby arrives, I would struggle with them both full time.

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