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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this wrong? Regarding putting ds on the organ donor list.

99 replies

TroLoLo · 12/01/2014 09:31

I've been on the list for a while but I recently signed ds up for it. I wasn't sure if I could do this at first but I looked into it and it was fine. When I said to ds dad he said it was wrong as ds had no choice in it. He was pretty annoyed. Ds is 2.5. I'm also sure my mum put me on the list when I was little, I vaguely remember having a card.

Obviously ds didn't make this choice but if, god forbid, anything was to happen to my ds I would rather another child could benefit and hopefully get out of the horrendous situation they are facing.

I know this is a bit morbid but I'm a student nurse so it's something that I've had to think about iykwim.

OP posts:

SaveMeTheLastGreenTriangle · 12/01/2014 15:31

Thanks, Ria - that was my comment you've responded to. But doesn't that note still suggest that donation might not happen after discussion with the next of kin?

TeacupDrama · 12/01/2014 16:20

if two parents disagreed about treatment it might go to court' however if 2 parents disagreed re donation it just would not happen

RiaOverTheRainbow · 12/01/2014 16:33

I'm just guessing Save but I think it's probably only in cases where relatives would find it hugely traumatic, and that most objections won't overrule the deceased's wishes.

Original poster

TroLoLo · 12/01/2014 16:45

Thank you for all the replies everyone. I'm going to discuss it further with ds dad when I see him next. It just seems like such a no brainer to me that I added ds without thinking of considering exDp. It's a dreadful thing to think about but it's something that was brought to my attention through uni.

OP posts:

MaidOfStars · 12/01/2014 19:12

OP, it's wonderful that you have considered this. As others have said, in practice, it won't matter until the time comes (hopefully never) to kae the decision on behalf of your children. If Dad still objects, the no organs will be donated.

On a more general,point, I could not be more opposed to an opt-out system.

MaidOfStars · 12/01/2014 19:13

kae=make

Lioninthesun · 12/01/2014 20:29

Just caught up with the thread and am now worried that exP could potentially scupper DD being a donor. He has had no contact since she is 6mo and we don't even know where he lives. If he wasn't contactable for consent would they veto it or take the fact he is merely a biological dad into consideration?

Andro · 12/01/2014 21:44

Putting him on the list isn't wrong, refusing to remove him when he's older if he asks you to would be.

My dc are not on the list though, it's a decision DH and I have chosen to leave to our DC - DD is too young to really care, DS is resolutely against it (for reasons I understand, but hope will change as he gets older).

moldingsunbeams · 15/01/2014 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/01/2014 12:08

If you didn't put your child on the list, but then ended up in a situation where it would be possible to donate their organs, could you still do it? I assumed they would discuss it with you if it was an option at the time?

SauvignonBlanche · 15/01/2014 12:17

Yes, they should. The rationale given for being on the register is that is makes it easier for staff to broach the subject at an incredibly difficult time.
I hadn't put my DCs due to confidence that if medical staff didn't bring the subject up with me then DH or I would with them but that is due to our personal circumstances.

Andro · 15/01/2014 12:18

If you didn't put your child on the list, but then ended up in a situation where it would be possible to donate their organs, could you still do it?

Yes. The register signifies a willingness to donate, it does not prevent a non-signatory from having their organs donated if that's what the next of kin agrees to.

Lilicat1013 · 15/01/2014 12:28

I wouldn't put my children on the list. It just feels wrong to me as they wouldn't get a choice. I can see where your ex husband is coming from, it does feel wrong to me for one parent to do that without speaking to the other.

If something terrible happen my husband and I have both agreed we would say yes to organ donation for them but actually putting them on the list feels like something different.

My husband and I are both on the organ donor list, have done the blood test thing for bone marrow donation and my husband is a blood donor (I was but am not allowed now). I would be encouraging both my children to do these things as well as we believe everyone who can should. However I wouldn't want to agree to it for them unless the circumstances were that we didn't have any choice but to make a decision on their behalf.

As soon as they are old enough to understand I will speak to them about it and sign them up if they would like to.

MaidOfStars · 15/01/2014 13:29

The list in, its current role is, in my opinion, meaningless. The next of kin ALWAYS get the final say either way. It may be more useful to look up the NOK's wishes re: organ transplantation, as you may get an indicator of whether they will consent or not.

Ideally, I'd see the list as the final say, and not allow the NOK any say. I don't want an opt-in system because I don't think anyone should override my choice on how to apply my right to bodily integrity (in life or in death). It's therefore a corollary that I wouldn't extend the right to override to my NOK.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/01/2014 13:34

We're both blood donors (though I haven't been since before DS was born, should get on that) and on the bone marrow register.

It seems strange that they allow to register your happiness with donating, but then over ride that if your NOK is unhappy. It's my body, surely?

LilyTheSavage · 15/01/2014 13:40

OK. A few months ago my DS2 and I had a discussion about organ donation. He was very much in favour of it. Very sadly he died in August. I remembered that he was in favour of it and was able to donate his heart valves. (More would have been donated but it wasn't possible). I get great comfort from the fact that sooner or later his heart valves will be used for life saving surgery for two small children or babies. I really feel that if you were ever in a position where your DC would need a donated organ then you and your DC should be on the register. Hypocritical otherwise.

RaspberryRuffle · 15/01/2014 13:56

Lily, so sorry for the loss of such a wonderful selfless son.
You're right, it would be hypocritical to accept an organ if unwilling to donate. I've known about organ donation since age 5 and am in favour of all suitable organs being used. I've seen first hand the misery being on a transplant list can cause. DH knows my wishes and would never overrule them.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/01/2014 14:58

Oh Lily I am so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you can take comfort that other children will be helped by his valves.

Original poster

TroLoLo · 16/01/2014 20:41

Lily I'm so sorry for your loss

I spoke to exDp about it again. He said he doesn't want me to take ds off the register, he understands why I put him on but he just doesn't feel involved in any decisions but that's a whole other thread!

What's TWS?

OP posts:

Rosencrantz · 17/01/2014 05:53

I think it wrong. 100% body autonomy. No one is making choices on behalf of my DCs. Only them, when they are the appropriate age.

MaidOfStars · 17/01/2014 09:46

I think it wrong. 100% body autonomy. No one is making choices on behalf of my DCs. Only them, when they are the appropriate age

So if one of your children needed surgery, you'd refuse?

olympicsrock · 17/01/2014 10:41

I've worked in transplant surgery. The next of kin do not have the legal right to veto organ donation if a donor has clearly made their wishes known but in practice the transplant community avoid bad press and so organ donations do not go ahead if the relatives do not support it.

It is interesting that DS's father is EXP not ExH does he have parental responsibility? If not married when the child is born, fathers have to apply for this. Without it he cannot consent on behalf of your child. This applies if he needed his appendix out for example. Many people don't know this.

It is vital that parents who lose a child do consider organ donation as there are babies with congenital conditions who need life saving transplants but must wait for an organ small enough to fit in their bodies and some die while waiting. I would speak to EXP and explain how you would feel if your child needed a transplant.

Original poster

TroLoLo · 17/01/2014 11:04

I have spoken to exp about it again and he said he has thought about it and he agrees to ds being on the register. I think he understands how important it could be to some one else if, god forbid, anything was to happen to ds. When ds is old enough I will have a chat with him about this and see how he feels about everything.

OP posts:

Lioninthesun · 18/01/2014 00:18

Thank you Olympic DD's dad didn't turn up to be put on the BC so I assume this means he couldn't contest. I should have realised that, thank you though!

So glad you had a good conclusion OP, sometimes it takes a little time with sensitive matters for people to get their heads around what is actually the best course of action. Thank you for starting a thread that I have learned from too!

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