Regards of social services?

[StupidMistakes]

Not a social services bashing thread. My DS has been placed for adoption by the local authority, and is in a placement and has been since july.

Since September I have been asking when my first contact letter will be, and up until now not gotten anywhere. well today I had an appointment and they have finally decided to consider starting to suggest months when contact should take place, despite me having been pushing for this to be sorted and the contact agreement for months.

AIBU to expect that they sort out when my letters are due. Its been 6 months and 6 days since final contact and I am desperate to maintain contact with my son.

I met the adopters at the beginning of December but was told not to discuss contact arrangements.

Its 6 weeks since I met them and they are planning to adopt my DS so there is no worries of him being moved.

I just want to know when to expect my letters, AIBU to think they could have and should have arranged it before its due, they are suggesting by February my first one should be done, which they aren't discussing with them until next week.

Being a parent means wanting what's best for your child. It seems as though the priority is settling the child with their new family. You need to talk to social services again when he is settled in.One of my children had a good friendship with a child who was adopted & the new parents decided they wanted a break with the past so wouldn't allow any correspondence.

It might be worth visiting MN's adoption forum for some more specialist opinions. :)

That must feel very difficult. Are you having any support, e.g. counselling? You will need to begin to detach, and someone who is trained in adoption matters could really help you here.

It might help to write letters the anyway, even if they are not sent. You could keep them, perhaps for yourself to read later on, but maybe for ds if he wants to know how you were feeling at the time if he approaches you later in life.

How often is your letterbox contact?

Its been 6 months, he is well settled, I wouldn't have been able to meet the adopters until he is settled, he is also only 3 so the adopters will be writing to me not him.

He is settled, that's why I don't understand why it wasn't sorted out when I met them or since.

It has been ordered by the court that contact be twice a year with the option of a face to face contact as well should his adopters support that, though this isn't likely.

I have always said I will be eternally grateful for what they are doing and I don't believe for one second this is down to the adopters but to social services not communicating.

I haven't kicked off or caused problems because whilst it is very painful and hard to accept that what has been decided is best for him, I have done that, with help from a counselling service, and I cant thank them enough for what they are doing.

That is doing whats best for my DS and maintaining contact is also whats best for him.

I obviously don't know the circumstances but I hope you are okay op x

I have accessed counselling, and I am accepting of the fact that ds isn't coming home, but I am also concerned that contact wont be kept unless you push. I had to push for the adoption counselling, despite the local authority having a duty of care to the birth parents and it being their duty to provide such.

I am not allowed to send Christmas or birthday cards, but I started my tradition of a picture of me in front of the Christmas tree and a card which I have myself in a box and will do a picture of me for his birthday and put that in his birthday card, so he can see how his birth mum changed over the years, and that he wasn't forgotten about.

Cold light er maybe because she is his birth mother . Are you being serious?

The judge at court explicitly stated that she believed that it would be in DS's best interest to maintain contact with me, which should include to possibility of once a year face to face contact with me, however if the adopters weren't comfortable or were unable to provide face to face contact that should not prevent him being placed, but letter box contact should be maintained throughout.

At some stage he is going to ask questions and some of those answers can only come from me

The judge described me as clearly loving my son, and that it had been a tragedy that it had come to the stage that my ds couldn't come home

SoonToBeSix, er maybe because she is his birth mother

That's not an answer to Coldlightofday's question though. I think it's an important question, although this situation sounds absolutely heartbreaking.

Ok because identity and roots are very important to an adopted child.

Hi OP - this must be very frustrating for you. As an adoptive parent I stick to my part of the contact agreement as I know how much it means to my DS's birth mother.

In our case the contact agreement was finalised just after the adoption became final ( 4 months after he was placed with us )

With my DD it took 5 months from placement to first contact.

I really hope your DS's adoptive family stick to the agreement once it has been made.

He is three, he needs to know where he came from, that his mum did love him, but wasn't able to look after him, that no matter what he is my son, and that I will always love him.

How would he feel if his birth mum didn't want contact or didn't bother with it, unloved, rejected, not cared about, why would anyone want their child growing up feeling like they weren't loved and that's why they were adopted, because they weren't wanted? Is it not better he grows up with contact, knowing the truth, that I loved him, wanted him but accepted the decision which was the best for him. Always having questions, never knowing where his birth mum was, whether she was alive or dead. I grew up knowing so little about my dad because he had died and I cant imagine putting my son through that unnecessary. I was 15 months old and a lot of my questions especially since losing my mum will always go unanswered, I don't want those uncertainties for my son.

I think they are valid concerns and you can't be certain he is being reassured (although I suspect he is). What's important is that you have your evidence ready for when he asks years from now. I think that's why photos and letters are important. You can keep them safe for him,

In the mean time you know he is in the safest, best place possible.

I think if I were considering face to face contact as an adoptive parent, you do sound as though you're realistic about what it could offer you, and I gather you've thought about the pain it could cause you both as well as the joy.

In terms of your letterbox contact, I would continue gently pushing the adoption social worker. They won't be used to this, necessarily and may not respond as a priority - however if you can communicate in a calm way without blame (not suggesting you'll find this difficult), I hope you'll get the response you need.

What a difficult situation for you. I think the photos idea is a great one.

My heart goes out to you it really does. Ok here goes, we are 10 weeks into placement with a 3 year old boy. We and his birth parents signed up to letterbox the week he came to live with us. We agreed letters would happen annually and when the first would be. You mentioned your son was adopted through a la so surely they have a letterbox coordinator you could speak to - you deserve answers and to know when you can expect your letter and likewise when you have to do yours.

It's not your son I know but I feel a similarity having a 3 year old ds placed with us so let me tell you today he told me he missed his first mummy and told me lots about her. We chatted for a long time and I was amazed what he remembered. She is part of our lives though we don't see her we will always answer any questions ds has in a positive light and like you we would always ensure our son knows he was and is loved by us and birth family. Adopters don't always want to paint you in a bad light we take on a role to make sure the child grows us knowing their identity and the reasons for their adoption. Our ds has a special place in his room with things from birth mum and photos that he can access alone or sometimes we sit and look at things together. Birth parents should never be forgotten. I'm rambling on now but just felt you needed to hear that. Take care

This is so difficult. It's no wonder you want that to start as soon as possible.

I do think there is a difference between contact for his sake and contact for your sake. At the moment, you're talking a lot about what you want him to know, so that (it seems, as an outsider) he sees you in the best possible light in the future.

Hopefully, in time, you will be able to have contact that allows him to get what he needs, which might not be the same as what you want to give. He may have some very difficult questions when he gets older and the answers may not be easy to hear, or easy to give.

I hope that you get some really good help, to build a future without him, as you must, because his adopters will, rightly, view him as their son, and he will, rightly, view them as his parents.

I feel very sorry for you.

Just because you not able to care for your son 24/7/365, it does not mean that it is not in his interests to never, ever hear from you ever again.

I've got no advice as I don't know much about contact in these circumstances, and the adoptwd children I know are all nc.

But the photo idea sounds lovely.

What a lovely post broody.