Regards of social services?

[StupidMistakes]

Not a social services bashing thread. My DS has been placed for adoption by the local authority, and is in a placement and has been since july.

Since September I have been asking when my first contact letter will be, and up until now not gotten anywhere. well today I had an appointment and they have finally decided to consider starting to suggest months when contact should take place, despite me having been pushing for this to be sorted and the contact agreement for months.

AIBU to expect that they sort out when my letters are due. Its been 6 months and 6 days since final contact and I am desperate to maintain contact with my son.

I met the adopters at the beginning of December but was told not to discuss contact arrangements.

Its 6 weeks since I met them and they are planning to adopt my DS so there is no worries of him being moved.

I just want to know when to expect my letters, AIBU to think they could have and should have arranged it before its due, they are suggesting by February my first one should be done, which they aren't discussing with them until next week.

I agree they are valid concerns and as an adoption social worker I would have the contract agreement in place and signed by all parties before/as a child is placed. Not having it clarified beforehand can provoke anxiety in all parties. It needs to be in writing (and flexible if need be).

OP - write to your social worker and her/his manager politely stating your case. You are clearly articulate and this is easily remedied, but tell them you would just like it to be clarified and a contract agreement drawn up. It is a busy time in a placement and I hope am sure that it is not intentional. I know no-one believes us, but being a social worker is a thankless task at times.

I also agree keep making your memories, and keep a log of things such as this. It can't hurt and writing it down can help get it out of your head space.

I wish more birth parents had the insight you have. Can you call someone or have a chat with someone for a rant/vent?

Oh gosh this post has made me cry. You sound as though you know it's for the best and that you aren't blaming social services which is refreshing for these sorts of threads.
I don't have any words of wisdom but I'd like you to know that my thoughts are with you. It sounds like a horrible situation to be in but to your credit you're coming across very rationally and it's obvious how much you care for your son.

Best of luck for the future OP. I hope you get contact sorted soon xx

Yes, lovely post broody

I agree most adopters do work very hard at ensuring their children know about their birth parents in a healthy, emotionally supportive way.....makes sense to most people!

The OP probably is focusing on her needs because she is still grieving for her child. Not an easy place to be I imagine. Post adoption support is generally abysmal, made worse when you have difficult birth parents who are extremely vulnerable and lack insight and/or the ability to make positive changes.

YANBU at all Mistakes IMHO the contact agreement should have been sorted out well before this, I know some LA's do it a bit later but that's more confusing for everyone. If you ask me, because everything is now 'stable' social services aren't realy focussed on spending time on your sons case, and getting this sorted, but turned their attention to the more pressing cases. Which is not good for you or your sons adoptive parents.

You should know when to expect your letters, and what exactly is happening. Likewise, your sons parents need to know when they are getting their letters and exactly what's going on

I signed a contact agreement with my DD2's mum very shortly after she came to live with me, and it was important that it was done quickly (especially since DD2 was older and very involved from the start). Your son might be younger but (although I don't know him obviously) I would expect him to have memories of you and know you when he sees your photo etc, so he is probably already able to ask simple questions. His adoptive parents need to give answers.

It has been decided that letterbox is happening. Therefore it needs to be sorted out. I really do feel for you because you are stuck with the uncertainty right now until you know what's happening

I agree that a polite letter to SW might be helpful

I hope it's all sorted out soon xx

I feel that if I don't make the effort to start contact now, its going to be a lot harder and when those difficult questions come and I know they will, I already have the honest answers there, why couldn't I stay with you? Why did they decide I needed to be adopted, why didn't daddy take me, why didn't nanny take me, did you ever have any other children, do I have aunts/uncles/grandparents?

There will be so much he needs to know as he grows up. He might want to ask me questions about my epilepsy if he develops it as he gets older, I didn't suffer with it until 18, so possibly he will also not suffer til later in life, if at all

There will be why aren't you and daddy together, why did you leave daddy, why did you get divorced from daddy, didn't you love him anymore.

He may also remember being in the bathroom getting ready for a bath and remember saying to me just after I left daddy is daddy gone, and me saying yes baby daddy gone, and him saying good, which broke my heart.

He might remember daddy hurting mummy, which I pray he doesn't, mummy crying, mummy laying on the floor passed out.

In five years time I might think about another child, but possibly never will, and if I were ever to have another child he would want to know why I kept that child but not him, why was it him that had to be adopted?

He is going to need to know where he came from, his identity, where he gets his eyes from his smile, everything, and it is a good thing for him to know where his roots come from, his love of horses and animals that spans back generations for my family.

I will also say that the adoption social worker has said that I am doing everything in my power, I have found a counselling service I can self refer to which I am accessing following my last adoption counselling session next week, I am going to doctors to get grief counselling for my mum and the social worker has said I have come a long way in a short amount of time and that she can see the change in me since she first met me in July, so I am trying, I am not denying I am vunerable, I have in the last year had my son adopted, lost my mum, got a divorce, lost my home, had a road accident, had my seizures return and had a abnormal smear result, colposcopy and biopsy which I am waiting results for. After the last year I have had I would be surprised if anyone could go through that and not be left vunerable, for most people it would be overwhelming.

I am making the changes. I have somewhere permanent to live, I am seeking and engaging with help, in fact I have had 18 sessions of adoption counselling rather than the normal 6 that are offered as I asked for more and the therapist recommended I receive more because I am engaging, which I have been told is rare. I want to make sure I don't end up in another bad situation, I want to make sure I will be okay.

I haven't turned to drugs or to drink like some people do, I haven't relapsed back to my old ways of abusing my body by not eating. I have maintained my weight and yes sometimes I eat chocolate fudge cake, and I have chocolate and sweets in my cupboard, bottom line is, I am coping and if im honest, it is a day to day thing, sometimes, its getting up putting on a smile and walking out my front door, because I cant just sit and cry for what I have lost, sometimes its counting the hours the days just filling my time to keep myself busy, but other times, I do feel good in myself, because I am achieving things, slowly, but it has to be baby steps, the changes aren't going to happen over night, the emotional issues have to be dealt with and the feelings from the last year that I am now dealing with isn't an hour with a counsellor and I will be fine. some people are never ready to deal with it, but I am at least TRYING to deal with it. Its painful, they are opening wounds from as young as I can remember, but these wounds are hurting me, they are clouding my judgement of what love should be, and therefore they need to be opened, explored and healed properly, I need to be broken and put back together.

I fully understand some people who don't want to do that, I know, I didn't losing my son has made me realise that this is the only way I am ever going to come to terms with what happened to me and make sure it never happens again.

My goodness you have come through so much in such a short time and have obviously had a lifetimes worth of grief heaped onto you. You do sound in control of things and I'm glad to hear you are getting the support and councelling you need at this time.

My ds a few weeks after placement with us was given a letter from mum explaining why she had to give him up and what she hoped for him in the future. He also got one from maternal grandparents. I know it's not the same and one day you will hopefully have the chance to sit with your son and answer any questions he may have but perhaps It may be a good thing for you to do now. Write a letter answering all the questions you think he may have and his parents can read it to him at a age appropriate time. It may just put your mind at ease that the answers are there from you when he needs them. Good luck to you in your future stay strong.

Just to add this was outwith letterbox contact and was given to us via ds social worker to share with him when we felt he was ready.

Mistakes, I have followed your posts for a while and they honestly break my heart. I've replied to you before but name changed. I'm so so sorry that you couldn't be supported enough to keep your son with you. You've been let down terribly, and so has your son. It is a mark of just how strong and sensible a person you are that you are not bitter, or blaming social services, that you are accepting of your boy's adoption and just looking to find a way foreard that is in his interests - and of course for you to maintain contact with him.

YANBU, absolutely not, to want to know what to expect, and what's going on. It is in everyone's interests to know where they stand, how contact will work, etc. I wonder whether you can access an advocacy service who can help you communicate with them? Or whether your son has an advocate (although I appreciate you might not be able to appoint him one now that the adoption is underway, forgive me being hazy on the legal position). You might come under the umbrella of mental health advocacy? If you google mental health advocacy service + (your town), I am sure you will find something, and I hope they can help.

I personally believe that every person needs to know where they come from. That's not to undermine the parenting that adoptive parents do. But where possible, i do believe that contact is a positive thing. My experience when I have worked with care leavers, is that people have questions. It will be important to your son to know the circumstances of his adoption, and when he is older it will be his choice to pursue that - for him to find you stable, secure and positive, and having done the very best you can for him despite your own grief at losing him, will benefit him so much later. You still have a role in how his life turns out. It will be a different role, but no less important. The work you're doing will be invaluable to you and to him. Take care.

When I read the OP, I was full of thoughts such as 'they're not his adopters, they're his parents' and 'it's in your best interests, not his' and 'what if his parents decide they can't do the letterbox contact' etc etc....

BUT my heart goes out to you' This must be the hardest thing any parent can do. I have no words of advice i'm afraid, I just wanted to send hugs, thoughts and best wishes and, without sounding patronising, god bless you xxx

to you Mistakes

You have been through so much, and are clearly doing everything you can to cope with this, and that is so important for both you and your son.

I think Llika is right, with so much pressure on services at the moment due to cuts etc, they will very likely be prioritising children who aren't in the stable position your son now hopefully is. So yes, it is wrong and not what you or he deserves, but you will still (and likely always) need to be pro-active (but polite) in pushing for information around how contact will be organised, unless your relationship with the adoptive parents builds in a way that SS won't be needed so much. As you are engaging so well, and so clearly have your son's best interests at heart, my hope is this will happen for you.

I have been on MN for several years and never yet come across anyone else with contact ordered by the courts (we had one with my niece who was adopted some years ago now). It is very rare and only issued where it is recognised to be so important for child, likely due to the loving nature and strength of bond with members of the birth family after desperately sad circumstances which mean adoption is the only option.

I cannot post too much as we are held by the "gagging law" from revealing the circumstances (so would issue you also perhaps with some caution around what you reveal on here, I don't know whether this would affect your situation too?) but I know how cripplingly isolating it can feel, and so glad to hear you have had positive experience of post adoption counselling.

Agree advocacy, if you can find it, might be really good to help you negotiate the finalising of contact details.

Really wish you, your son and his new family, all the very best. again.

Oooh sm, yes what everyone has already said. This should be sorted clearly for you- it would help everyone.

As a fellow birth parent much further on can I give you hug and a promise that you can keep moving forward in your life, that you can keep healing though it is so hard.

I have read other threads of yours. I am glad to read that you have managed to access some counselling and that that is helping you. I hope that you are able to confirm contact arrangements soon, and that you find peace x

Believe me mistakes you are doing brilliantly! You have been through so much, and yes, there is a long way to go but having the amount of insight that you do have is 99% of the battle. You have experienced so much loss. Please continue with the counselling. Your posts are heartbreaking and I know that it is absolutely no consolation, but with the proper support and ongoing counselling you can make the necessary positive change. You sound very motivated. It's the long term you need to plan for. Addressing the your emotional "wounds" is exactly what you need to be doing. I don't know your history, but I do know that most birth parents are a result of their own history, having experienced poor parenting, abuse and dysfunction themselves. It takes an immensely strong and motivated person to "heal" from those experiences and to not mask it with drink, drugs and further dysfunction. Whilst you will never, ever forget about your child, you need to grieve and move forward with your life.

I wish you all the success in the world.

Thank you.

I am going to move forward, one step at a time and i will one day make my son proud of me.

OP when I was reading about concerns for the guidance your son might need about epilepsy, why he loves what he love, and questions about his parents I thought, "But he'll still have that".

Your decisions have meant that his has his loving family. Perhaps he'll get a love of cars and engines from his granddad, Lego from his mum, running from his dad and swimming from his mum and so on.

The thing is he already has loves, like that of animals, and horses, which his mum has noticed and is going to pursue, which comes from me, they both have brown eyes, and brown hair, he is one day going to ask why he has bright blue eyes and blonde hair.

He in my mind has two families now, the family that are going to bring him up, have the pleasure of watching him grow, be there to pick up the pieces and a blood family too that love him equally as much, but know he is better off where he is and have accepted that fact.

You are so brave OP XXX