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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's not OK to turn this down?

33 replies

ahfuckit · 10/01/2014 13:45

This may be long - sorry.
My DP and I have been together almost 6 years and have a 4 year old DD together. It has not all been roses but we rub along OK.

One of the main sources of friction has been money. I was heavily in debt when we met because my own business failed and to be honest I am not very good with money (he knew about this before we moved in together). We have always had separate finances.

I have contributed towards the family finances since going back to work when DD was a few months old and have steadily built up the amount I do. I now work full time.

DP was made redundant a couple of years ago. He had some time out and then accepted a job where the salary was far lower then his previous job. This was because it was something rather than nothing and he could continue to look.

He has been in the job for over a year and has not been happy - moaning about the organisation, the lack of challenges, the pay etc.
He recently went for a much better job with a vastly better salary, and got it. He told me yesterday (a few hours after telling me he had got it and after I had bought the champagne Angry ) that he was not sure he was going to take it. He had initially been unsure whether to apply as it didn't 'check all the boxes' Hmm.
He still hasn't told me today what he has decided.

Am I unreasonable to think the if you are offered a job several rungs up the ladder that pays massively better you take it? Particularly if you have 2 kids (he has a DS from a former relationship) that could benefit vastly from the additional income?

It is not as if he can't do the job - it is just not a 'perfect fit'.
I think he has lost touch with reality and I'm finding it hard not to hate him right now - particularly since he has made snide remarks about life being on hold because of my debt before now.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Juno77 · 10/01/2014 13:48

Well. It depends.

What is the issue he has? Is he nervous or concerned about his ability? Lacking in confidence to move up? Maybe the period he has been in a lower job has really knocked him.

I think you need to encourage him to take the job, but in a supportive way, not in a 'we need the money so do it' way. Make him feel like he is capable and he is the 'right fit'.

Original poster
ahfuckit · 10/01/2014 13:52

Juno77 - I kind of did that bit when encouraging him to apply. Helped him with his presentation, said how great it sounded etc. Also said how proud I was when he got the job Sad. He has just told me he will make a decision over the weekend. Just feel like it's all about him and not about the family. It is true his confidence has been knocked though.

OP posts:
CooEeeEldridge · 10/01/2014 13:53

I am possibly in a similar situation as your husband. Been offered new job, great company, good step up. Moaned about current job for ages. However, the thought if now moving is terrifying! Think I am going to be 'found out' (ie rubbish!) in new job. Haven't accepted yet either...

Be supportive and talk through it with him. Go through the pros and cons of both and what other options there may be.

Original poster
ahfuckit · 10/01/2014 13:55

I know it's not all about money but this would make a MASSIVE difference to us. It's the same company so not like it would be all new.

OP posts:
secretsofsanta · 10/01/2014 13:57

Sorry but he has a job and should only take the new one if he is happy with it. Lifes not jyst about money. Try and thing of the situation reveresed.

Juno77 · 10/01/2014 13:59

Well, hopefully he will just take the weekend to think about it and get used to the idea of moving roles.

Sometimes people just fear change, sometimes it's lack of confidence.

Don't be angry with him - he's probably feeling the pressure. I know you are frustrated but I would try and support him as much as you can, until he makes the decision.

And, ultimately, regardless of your opinion... it is his decision.

Flowers
MrsOakenshield · 10/01/2014 14:02

you're being rather dismissive about the fact that he's already not happy in this company.

Are you looking for a better paid job to aid the family finances?

Original poster
ahfuckit · 10/01/2014 14:03

OK, I guess IABU. I will suck it up and try to be supportive. I have tried to imagine the situations being reversed though, and with our circumstances being what they are I would take the higher paid job no matter how unhappy I was about it. It's not forever, and it would mean moving on from a much stronger position. We are neither of us getting any younger. Any tips on how to hide my true feelings Wink.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 10/01/2014 14:08

My husband has taken a massive pay cut to start his own business.
My head knows he is doing it for the long term good of our family but sometimes I have to try really hard not to resent it!
I have also caused a lot of debt, without which the cut in income wouldn't matter but at no time when I was running up debts we could easily afford did I have any idea he would cut his income by 3/4 in the future!!!!
Like you I now contribute financially and have started a business that is going well but my earnings were meant to be untouched or for fun stuff like holidays etc but now I am keeping us going until the business makes dome money - and when (if) it does it should be a lot of money!
I know that I should be grateful for my sahm years, where I spent money like it was going out of fashion and when I think rationally I am happy that thanks to me we can still pay the mortgage but sometimes I almost hate my poor Husband for our new ( definitely not improved) situation.
Then I feel very guilty and I don't think I can say how I feel because the situation is partly my fault - for example we could have paid off our mortgage with the £££ I've wasted. He doesn't throw it back at me but I know it's there.

Original poster
ahfuckit · 10/01/2014 14:09

MrsOakenshield - actually yes! I have been steadily increasing my earnings since having DD and will continue to do so - despite working evenings and 6 days a week.

OP posts:
WestieMamma · 10/01/2014 14:09

You're 'finding it hard not to hate him' because he may not make the choice about his career that you want him make. I'm sorry but I think you are being massively unreasonable.

Original poster
ahfuckit · 10/01/2014 14:11

I do two jobs and I'm very unhappy in one of them at the moment. However I can't leave because it is better paid than I am likely to find elsewhere.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 10/01/2014 14:12

It depends on his reasoning. Maybe he's worried that the new employer is financially shaky or notorious for treating staff badly. It's no good taking on what sounds like a wonderful new job only for it all to go horribly wrong within a couple of months. I have, in the past, taken on new jobs/clients which promised all sorts of good things and very rapidly turned to shit (client went bust/went mad/was dishonest).

LessMissAbs · 10/01/2014 14:12

If he's been made redundant once before, he might be afraid of going for a more risky option. His current job might be very safe.

Original poster
ahfuckit · 10/01/2014 14:13

OK, OK, I hear you! Grin. Thank you all for the perspective which was sorely needed!

OP posts:
TwelveLeggedWalk · 10/01/2014 14:14

I think if it's the same company then it complicates things.

If he turns this one down then presumably he could be labelled as unambitious which might make any future progression/promotion unlikely.

If he wants a better job but not necessarily in that company I would have thought the best thing to do would be take the job, and then look to move sideways to another company in about a year's time once he's proved himself working at that level. Much easier than trying to make the leap up AND move organisation.

Original poster
ahfuckit · 10/01/2014 14:14

Both jobs equally safe - same company in public sector.

OP posts:
DeWe · 10/01/2014 14:15

I think similar to CooEee.

I haven't ever worked in a proper job, despite having a good maths degree.
I need a job now. I see things I think I can do. Then read the spec and panic. I probably can do all they want and more, but then I think about doing it... and that's going through my mind as I fill out the forms. Half the time I've decided before I've finished that I won't be able to do it. And even if I think I can do it, I'm panicking with thoughts of starting and knowing what to do, plus practical sides, what if dc's ill etc.

Couldn't you suggest he gives it a 6 month trial? Most places have probabtion periods after which you can walk away on either side.

Casmama · 10/01/2014 14:15

Why don't you sit down and have a proper conversation about it- show interest in his concerns and see where it gets you.

I may be reading this wrong but you seem very far apart on this- him going off to make his decision alone and you 'finding it hard not to hate him'. Think this may be indicative of other issues that need resolved.

Original poster
ahfuckit · 10/01/2014 14:16

Exactly TwelveLeggedWalk!

OP posts:
Original poster
ahfuckit · 10/01/2014 14:18

Casmama - you are soo right. But things had been getting better. We are neither of us 'easy' people!

OP posts:
Casmama · 10/01/2014 14:21

Lol well at least you acknowledge that. Talk to him- you cat force him into it otherwise he would probably blame you for every crappy day.
He may just need a bit of encouragement. Fingers crossed for you.

Beachcomber · 10/01/2014 14:23

I don't think it is very fair of him to your family unit to apply for this job, accept your help for his application and then change his mind. Why did he apply in the first place? Confused

Ok, if this is about nerves and confidence in himself to deliver than that is a bit different.

Original poster
ahfuckit · 10/01/2014 14:30

Again - I couldn't agree more Beachcomber

OP posts:
GlitzAndGiggles · 10/01/2014 15:48

I was deeply unhappy in my last job to the point of phoning in sick because I couldn't bear it. The pay was crap and the atmosphere was depressing. I applied for a new job and got that. It's out of the field I'm qualified in but the money is much better and the environment is also better. No one should dread going to work because they're that unhappy there. And with a toddler to pay for, the higher pay was more attractive!