to think it's not OK to turn this down?

[ahfuckit]

This may be long - sorry.
My DP and I have been together almost 6 years and have a 4 year old DD together. It has not all been roses but we rub along OK.

One of the main sources of friction has been money. I was heavily in debt when we met because my own business failed and to be honest I am not very good with money (he knew about this before we moved in together). We have always had separate finances.

I have contributed towards the family finances since going back to work when DD was a few months old and have steadily built up the amount I do. I now work full time.

DP was made redundant a couple of years ago. He had some time out and then accepted a job where the salary was far lower then his previous job. This was because it was something rather than nothing and he could continue to look.

He has been in the job for over a year and has not been happy - moaning about the organisation, the lack of challenges, the pay etc.
He recently went for a much better job with a vastly better salary, and got it. He told me yesterday (a few hours after telling me he had got it and after I had bought the champagne ) that he was not sure he was going to take it. He had initially been unsure whether to apply as it didn't 'check all the boxes' .
He still hasn't told me today what he has decided.

Am I unreasonable to think the if you are offered a job several rungs up the ladder that pays massively better you take it? Particularly if you have 2 kids (he has a DS from a former relationship) that could benefit vastly from the additional income?

It is not as if he can't do the job - it is just not a 'perfect fit'.
I think he has lost touch with reality and I'm finding it hard not to hate him right now - particularly since he has made snide remarks about life being on hold because of my debt before now.

AIBU?

Given it's the same company and he doesn't love his current job I think he should take the new job and carry on looking for something else if he really like the organisation. Is he just nervous?

This is a silly example compared to a job, but it reminds me of something my DH used to do. He would come home and suggest going out to eat. I love eating out and although we both like cooking, it is always nice to not do it and have it taken care of by others. We don't eat out a lot and it is fun to have a treat sometimes.

I would start to think about what I fancied/where to go, get changed if necessary and then DH would suddenly say, 'actually, no, let's stay in, save the money, we've got food in the fridge'. I couldn't really argue with him as it was perfectly reasonable to stay in but I would feel disappointed. He should never have suggested it in the first place if he didn't mean it.

Your situation reminds me of this but on a much more serious level.

I hope it is just nerves and he gets his head together over the weekend.

I think what got to me partly was that he let me get all happy and excited, (wehey - we can afford the dance lessons that DD has been begging for for months), by telling me he had been offered the job, and only hours later when I had got home did he say he was undecided about taking it. Why not say so when he told me he had the job offer? He knows it's a big deal.

If you have debts then I guess dd won't be having dancing lessons soon anyway. You spend too much time at.work to be unhappy. If you want a higher income then earn it. You can't dictate someone else's working life just because you want him to earn

Equally, he might be scared of taking on more responsibility given his previous redundancy. I think you need to have a serious talk about his reasons, the differences for him and for your family if he does / doesn't take this job.

FWIW I've just been offered a new job. It's a shedload more money and I still feel incredibly guilty and sad about taking it. Weird no?

I don't think it is very fair of him to your family unit to apply for this job, accept your help for his application and then change his mind. Why did he apply in the first place?

Interviews are two-way things - they're also about finding out if it's the job for you. It's not always possible to tell from a job description whether it would really suit you or not. I've been to interviews and thought, I really, really, want this (obviously don't get those...) and I've been to others and come out thinking, I am not working for this company, and I haven't always been so keen (nor so negative) until I've had the interview and met the people I'd be working with if I got it and accepted.

Having said all that, if I had others to support and it as going to make things a lot easier financially and so on, I would have to have very good reasons to turn it down. I'd probably feel I had to take it for at least a year, and use it as a stepping stone to something better.

If it were my partner who was being indecisive about taking it, I would at least want to understand what his reservations were, and to have some reassurance he's really thought through the pros and cons of staying/going and isn't just coming up with a mental block because his confidence has been hit.

I think it's okay to turn down job offers, but you need to be sure why.

Ok, so I'm going against the tone of thread here and saying that he's being a tad childish. There's more important things than money etc etc blah blah, but at the end of the day he's being offered a job that will put you as a family in a stronger position. We can't all have the jobs we want, the company clearly thinks he can do the job, so he should suck it up and take it. If he didn't want it why did he apply?