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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

GPs - AIBU to report child protection issue?

39 replies

anotherworriedfriend · 10/01/2014 12:19

A dear friend is in abusive marriage. 3 kids in the house (12, 10, 8). Her DH is unpredictable, aggressive, controlling, verbally abusive, has assaulted both her and the kids, drinks, disappears, and has convictions for assault.

She is unable to leave. I do not understand why, but, I presume that is because I have never been on the end of systematic abuse for years.

I have been trying to encourage her, and, after a frightening Christmas, she was resolute that he had to go and she had to protect her children.

Nothing has changed. I have no choice but to report this, it's too frightening.

I do not want him to have any way of finding out t was me. He is dangerous. I think he is unwell, but, he lies to his GP. Or, so my friend tells me.

Would it work if I saw his GP and told him what my DF has reported to me? I have texts from her that would back my story up. I'm concerned that if I report to school or SS that he'll figure out it was me - he's proper scary.

OP posts:
Tableforfour · 10/01/2014 12:22

I'm a GP and if you came to me I'd tell you to report it directly to social services, as otherwise it's just hearsay from me. Please do it directly, the GP will be informed and asked for any info they might have as part of the investigation. This sort of thing puts us in a very difficult position.

NigellasDealer · 10/01/2014 12:22

well all the GP would do would be to refer to SS.......so if it would make you feel safer, go ahead.
on the other hand could you avoid going down this route by doing everything you can to encourage your friend to leave, perhaps offering her some practical help in contacting/accessing WA?

Original poster
anotherworriedfriend · 10/01/2014 13:19

Thanks, Table. I do see that'd be difficult for a GP, and, it's hearsay from me to SS too.

I did ask them for advice previously, and I gave my name (but not hers) - I'm just trying to ensure my anonymity. I'd be honest with her, but, he's not someone I want at my door in an angry state.

I've been hand holding her for about a year, Nigella's. She's spoken to everyone, but, not actually done anything. No judgements from me, she's just not able to see it through. This is a smart, professional, sassy woman - it's utterly bemusing to me that she's unable to kick him out or call the police when he's smashing things up, but, then, I've not had to live like she has.

I'll phone SS and block my number and ask how exactly they deal with anonymous calls. I'm actually scared of her DH.

OP posts:
Mabelface · 10/01/2014 13:22

Chances are you'll not be the only one who reports. You can do it anonymously.

NigellasDealer · 10/01/2014 13:25

do not worry SS will not disclose where their information comes from.
you can email anonymously do not forget - to the NSPCC or the SS - just set up a new email account and access it from the library.

Notaddictedtosugar · 10/01/2014 13:28

How do you think he would know it is you? Are you a neighbour? If not I think you are quite safe as the first person that would be suspected would be the neighbours, as they are usually the ones who report DV as they hear it. Try not to give any information that only you could know, but please do report your concerns. It sounds like your friend and her children are in a very dangerous situation and need professional help getting out of it!

LaGuardia · 10/01/2014 14:18

Don't get involved. It will bring too much trouble to your door, believe me.

Writerwannabe83 · 10/01/2014 14:23

Ring Social services - definitely. They need to know about this.

I once rang SS myself on behalf of another woman who had concerns about a family who lived near her, but when I one to SS they said they can't act on second hand information - the call has to come first hand from the individual who has concerns. I relayed this back to the woman who called them herself, voiced her concerns and SS carried out a home visit a few days later. The call is completely confidential, I don't even know if you have to give your own details??

You are 100% doing the right thing!!

I called SS a few months ago on the father of my niece and nephew as I was concerned about his treatment of them. You can guess how well that went down. Children need protecting though and by voicing your concerns you are doing exactly what everyone else should.

foolonthehill · 10/01/2014 14:25

Really LaG? there are children and a systemically abused woman at risk....reporting can be done anonymously to children's services or to school. Either will treat it seriously and neither will declare the source of information.

I know this is true as my eldest daughter (10 at the time!) reported her father. To this day only the school, SS and I know it was her...her father does not and even in court her anonymity has been protected...and she reported in person.

Original poster
anotherworriedfriend · 10/01/2014 14:25

I'm not a direct neighbour, but, I am one of the few friends she has - he's isolated her from her social circle. We have children who are BFF, so, I've known her for about 10 years. It wasn't until my son didn't want to go there to play that I started to twig there was something odd going on.

I don't think he's bad, I think he's unwell. Inbetween the rages he's ok, grumpy and unpleasant, but, not furious.

And, LaGuardia - that's exactly what I want to do. But...the kids. The oldest is a boy who's now getting into real trouble at school, he's not a bad boy, he's just got a very difficult home life.

I've told her just to bundle them all up and come here - she never does.

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 10/01/2014 14:25

systematically...obv! grr

BatCave · 10/01/2014 14:28

Seriously, LaGuardia?? Oh yeah, turn a blind eye to child abuse? Nice.

Redskys · 10/01/2014 14:35

Please report this to SS as soon as possible. You could be protecting your friend & innocent children from serious harm. I do speak from experience, after living and excusing DV from my exDH for years. But had the terrible experience of him having a violent attack on my DS which resulted him under going emergency surgery. Which thank God was successful. Please please do not put off making that thread call women & children are injured & killed by violent partners every week.

Original poster
anotherworriedfriend · 10/01/2014 14:36

What happens if you report to school? I'd trust the HT to keep schtum about it being me, and, it'd "make sense" that they'd follow something up given that the oldest kid's behaviour has gone off the wall since the end of last term. And, thinking about it, Christmas was a crisis - dinner thrown, gifts trashed, so, it'd be logical that school might follow up on something.

I think I'll send an email to the HT asking for an unofficial chat.

I feel sick at the thought, but, my friend is never going to leave. He had an 8 year old by the throat at Christmas and she's still there. Fucking hell.

OP posts:
Strawberrykisses · 10/01/2014 14:39

Dont fanny about going to the school, just call SS.

Original poster
anotherworriedfriend · 10/01/2014 14:41

Redskys - that's awful. I'm so pleased you're out of that.

Can I ask, was there any repercussions to you for allowing the situation to continue? My friend is worried she'll land up losing the kids because she's not protected them well enough.

Would it have been helpful for a friend to give you an ultimatum of "report by this date...or I will"?

Her DH is away with a golf lot this weekend, so, I wondered about telling her that I needed to report it but it'd be better if she did it herself. THough, I do believe that it'd only mean that she'd end our friendship rather than deal with the situation.

Don't worry about answering if it's too personal a question. FWIW, I think it's amazingly brave for anyone to escape this sort of situation and I'm very grateful that I have no experience of it.

Am glad your boy's ok.

OP posts:
Brittapie · 10/01/2014 14:44

SS will not tell anyone that it was you. I know it's scary, but I bet it's scarier for the children.

StraightLineOfResignation · 10/01/2014 14:53

what a horrible situation OP, not just for your friend and her family but for you too.
I would call SS , explain the risk if it comes back to you and really impress how much it needs to be kept anonymous.
I would not tell her you are calling under any circumstances, when push comes to shove she will rat you out to her H in a heartbeat, and sabotage your attempt to help her.

Redskys · 10/01/2014 14:59

Due to my DS being admitted to hospital, social services are automatically involved. Which although initially frightening, they are doing their job of protecting a child. This awful situation was the biggest wake up call. I hated my exDH more than i can describe, attacking my lovely DS for no other reason than not putting his shoes away. Personally I found SS mostly supportive but it was made very clear if I allowed my then DH back into the family home they would seriously consider removing my DS & siblings into care. Which I would never of have considered. But previous to this I had lived with a vicious bully who I often made excuses for. But please report this your friend may feel trapped, very difficult to understand unless you have through similar.

StraightLineOfResignation · 10/01/2014 15:02

you're very brave to post redskys, i can imagine children being hurt is a big wake up call.

Writerwannabe83 · 10/01/2014 15:02

OP - when I learnt what was going on between my sister and her long term partner (emotional abuse, financial abuse, neglect, alcohol) I bundled her and the two children up and took them all to mine. I rang SS the next day. It turned out the school already had concerns of their own and had also called SS. It didn't get anywhere near as horrific as it could have been as SS saw that my sister had removed the children from an unsafe environment and their safety was her main concern.

I wouldn't bother going to the school - I doubt your friend would thank you for disclosing really detailed and delicate information about her home life to the HT behind her back. And again, he can't make a SS referral on your behalf, it has to come from you.

Original poster
anotherworriedfriend · 10/01/2014 15:04

THank you Redskys. I think she feels exactly trapped.

It seems to go in cycles of him being violent and aggressive, then apologetic and it settles down. Each time she says "that's it" but there is never any actual action.

I don't doubt that she wants things to change, and I hope I manage to write about this without sounding judgemental. He seems to be more calm again just now so I guess there's a bit of breathing space.

I'll meet up with her at the weekend and see if we can have a chat. If she won't report or leave, then, I guess I'll have to.

There's no bloody way I'm having another attack on them on my conscience.

OP posts:
Original poster
anotherworriedfriend · 10/01/2014 15:07

Writer, see, if it was a crisis then I'd do exactly that. But, she doesn't tell me at the time, only after the event.

I am almost wishing for him to go ballistic at the exact moment I pass by the house so I can woosh them all away and call 999. But, he's much cleverer than that.

OP posts:
Original poster
anotherworriedfriend · 10/01/2014 15:09

Thank you for all the advice. I really appreciate it.

I know they are safe this weekend, so, there's a bit of breathing space anyway.

Thanks. SS it is, either she or me.

OP posts:
Redskys · 10/01/2014 15:16

Anotherworriedfriend. I am going out now. But another good source of sound advice is women's aid. Please contact them for some support. Let us know how you get on. Do not ignore it won't go away.