I think I made the right decision so why do I feel so rubbishy?

[StraightLineOfResignation]

Have a read of this thread may make things clearer, basically a family holiday last year was made pretty unbearable by bil's behaviour. I have been twice before with PIL and another brother and it was okay, so it is him, but at the same time I lost respect for PIL for alllowing, pandering to his demands/behaviour.And not protecting my DC.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1780457-To-think-BILs-behaviour-ruined-our-holiday

After that I said to my DH, never again!,
Things have been frosty since, even to the point of being uninvited to our wedding.
Sooo....the other day my DH got a call off his parents asking if they can take my DS who is now 4 , to a popular family resort in Europe for a long weekend ,piad for, with them 2 , another brother of DH and ...you guessed it! BIL, his child and partner.
So I got a sinking feeling I said I wasn't comfortable, DH agreed, even if we did go too, nothings confirmed yet, it's not the money though its just the though of having to tolerate him 24/7 for 3 days with what will be a hyper nearly 2 year as well at this point. I have 2 DC , so thats 3 kids under 5, 7 adults 4 of which I'm still pretty pissed with.
So I said basically I'm not comfortable, I don't want to deprive my DS of what would be nice memeories of a nice place, but I can't trust him to be treated well by BIL and PIL to stand up to him if he starts being an arse.
I don't really want to go either, but would want to go to ensure everything was okay,
I think my decision is right, so why do I feel so crap and like a joy sucking human?
We haven't told them of our decision yet, that will be fun .

You feel shit because you know you are going to upset your MIL and FIL, and it's likely to reopen old wounds.

Basically you have chosen your son over your BIL, which is a perfectly reasonable thing to do, but you are a nice person and don't like upsetting other people.

If you are not comfortable with it then he doesn't go. I wouldn't let any of mine go anywhere with my sil.... I cannot trust her.
You feel crap but you are considerate to other peoples feelings, it's a shame your inlaws are not.

because not but... sorry

YANBU - BIL hit your DC. Your DH should have instantly said on the phone, 'You are joking, right?' and that would have been the end of it. Sorry you are having this carp in your life, Straight.

Thanks I think you are right, I think there maybe a healthy dose of "you're overreacting" thrown at us too, pfft.

Dinnae, I suspect you are right , its hard if that's you're ingrained upbringing and family though isn't it? as wierd as it sounds it took me a while to get clarity on whether or not I was overreacting, because my DC was being naughty,and don't naughty children get hit?? (mine and DH upbringing, I don't like smacking always found it hard to articulate infront of family).

a lot of minimising language like 'he only tapped him'

thankyou , I couldn't help the feeling of I'm denying my son, but yeah I get you even with marvellous relatives it would be daunting.

How should i present the issue if my PIL's ask about it , or our answer?

I don't want to lie but not cause a big hoo-haa,

shit at confrontation.

True i think I will be calm and polite in a , after last time i don't think. it's a good idea kind of way,

I'm dreaded a morning visit , where dh is at work and i have to answer alone lol blush coward alert.

Ya absolutely not BU at all. I could not accept smacking from anyone at any time. I find ot disgusting behaviour, it really does make me feel ill. I read the older thread
Your bil sounds absolutely intolerable. Take your own kids and dh to this place some other time. If you go with them you will be totally miserable and on eggshells the whole time.

Could you say you both find it stressful travelling in such a large group and want to avoid falling out again.

It was certainly an eye opener Lila, I knew there was arse tendencies but not to that degree, what was more shocking was how everybody accommodated one persons selfishness to that degree, my DM is not a panderer , didn't raise me to be one either, was certainly a culture shock.
I.e because he wanted to be up and out at 9am , everyone else was expected to be. mil would come round to 'hurry us up', because he was waiting.

Do not go. You have to protect your ds. You should.explain to pil exactly why too. If someone hit my dd I would go to police.

You're shit at confrontation to the point of not challenging someone who hit your child?

And now you're worried about upsetting them. I think your priorities are skewed.

it was a tap on the wrist btw well 2 or 3.

just to clarify not a beating, so i'm not happy but not police worthy I don't think.

Ps even if it were not so seriously awful ywnbu to not go if you wouldn't enjoy it!

I don't know, but women are still so often socialised to be the ingratiators and conciliatory. I think it is often harder as a result for women to take up a position perceived to be awkward/hostile/aggressive and hold unapologetically to it, especially with family.

Of course you're entirely right not to let him go. Stick to your guns. If you have to put your position alone, plan what to say in advance, keep it short and calm, and say you and DH agree and won't be entering further discussion. Then change the subject.

Illegal for anyone but you or Dh to smack your child at all.

It may not be police worthy, but to not even challenge them about it is totally beyond me.

my dh challenged them at the time i think i was in shock to be honest felt quite surreal , i think the fact we haven't been around them since, (june last year) says a lot.

But i can see where you are coming from, I was raised similar too, so felt unable to articulate why I was angry.

God, it's horrible for you. If it makes you feel any better we have lessened our stays with my amazing parents abroad because dp loves them but doesn't enjoy being in their home and semi stranded in their village for several weeks at a time. Her feelings are very important to me so we agreed to cut down the visits even though I'm quite happy. If they were objectionable or nasty to dd she would flatly refuse to go and I would respect that. Other than my parents we never ever holiday with anyone else. I hate dancing to someone elses tune on holiday!

On this occasions you can say 'actually, if son goes to Xland - we want him to remember good times there not bad ones so we will be taking him there ourselves one day. Thanks but no thanks'.

I'm sorry I just don't get this, I remember the last thread too.

I just can't understand why you didn't confront BIL last time, and why you are now worrying about refusing to get involved in a situation where your child maybe mistreated again.

It's your job as a parent to protect your child and put them first. You seem more concerned about rocking the boat.