I think I made the right decision so why do I feel so rubbishy?

[StraightLineOfResignation]

Have a read of this thread may make things clearer, basically a family holiday last year was made pretty unbearable by bil's behaviour. I have been twice before with PIL and another brother and it was okay, so it is him, but at the same time I lost respect for PIL for alllowing, pandering to his demands/behaviour.And not protecting my DC.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1780457-To-think-BILs-behaviour-ruined-our-holiday

After that I said to my DH, never again!,
Things have been frosty since, even to the point of being uninvited to our wedding.
Sooo....the other day my DH got a call off his parents asking if they can take my DS who is now 4 , to a popular family resort in Europe for a long weekend ,piad for, with them 2 , another brother of DH and ...you guessed it! BIL, his child and partner.
So I got a sinking feeling I said I wasn't comfortable, DH agreed, even if we did go too, nothings confirmed yet, it's not the money though its just the though of having to tolerate him 24/7 for 3 days with what will be a hyper nearly 2 year as well at this point. I have 2 DC , so thats 3 kids under 5, 7 adults 4 of which I'm still pretty pissed with.
So I said basically I'm not comfortable, I don't want to deprive my DS of what would be nice memeories of a nice place, but I can't trust him to be treated well by BIL and PIL to stand up to him if he starts being an arse.
I don't really want to go either, but would want to go to ensure everything was okay,
I think my decision is right, so why do I feel so crap and like a joy sucking human?
We haven't told them of our decision yet, that will be fun .

I have stated he is not going in no uncertain terms, but i take no pleasure in depriving him of this at the same time, Bookroom articulated it well.

Don't you see? They are doing this to undermine and disempower you.

No sane GM would allow her GC to be slapped and defend the one that his him!

They are inviting your DS to something everyone knows he'll love, that'd be very "mean" for you to refuse him.

Well it's mean to do FA when a grown man slaps a little boy. Twice!

They are minimising this, and you, dear OP, are now being put in the role of scapegoat.

Disengage. Find your inner Mamma Bear and tell anyone and everyone that 'no, ds won't be being taken anywhere with people who hit him, or stand by and do nothing while he is hit'

You and your H can plan to take your dc there when suits. Guaranteed you'll have a better time, and your Dc would do too!

You made the right decision. Stick by it.

yes I sort of see that Hissy, I struggle with that too, I mean my own DM is no saint but I would doubt that would have happened on her watch, when it first happened I gave her more of a rollicking than the BIL,about how what happened to ds in her care was her fault.

Yeah DH said we could just save up and go ourselves anyway., at some point. it will be less stress , even without this problem 3 kids under 5 and 7 adults is a lot.

I agree either no one goes or you all do. Explain you are not comfortable with DS being around some relatives after he got hit

also he is two. he is not missing out on anything. well except being hit or feeling sad.

not a chance. ignore their pleas or upset.

Some families just go along with anything to 'keep the peace', with unchallenged behaviour getting slowly worse, and they don't notice when someone goes over the line - or if they do notice its too late because they have no idea how to tackle it.

Sadly in this family it has become easier to make out the little child deserved a slap or to turn a blind eye than to tackle the big man-bully who dealt it out.

As for all going - why put yourself through it? Its just another example of turning a blind eye.

He's not missing out.
From reading your previous thread, there wasn't that much about that holiday that was for your DC, so I doubt this one would be any better.

Save up and have your own break. Invite PiLs if you want, but not BiL.

Or go on your own and have a much better time!

By not going the only thing you are depriving your child of is the opportunity to be hit by a bullying bastard, condoned by you MiL.

Quit feeling bad.

The simple answer is "After last time?!?! You're 'avin' a giraffe!".

You are not depriving him. I would not give these people another chance, after the previous carry-on. Who would stand up for him against BIL if he went on this holiday, and he decides to hit him again? Nobody. BIL sounds like a creep, I wouldn't be going on holidays with him again, and certainly not leaving him free rein with your little son. You have made the right decision.

You've done the right thing. Different circumstances but we had a big family holiday ruined by my youngest sister storming through the house yelling and shouting about our niece. Who was six. I had to stand in the doorway to block her from laying hands on our niece.

What I regret is, the day afterwards, being persuaded to pretend it was all fine-ish after my sister apologized but also minimised. I would certainly never allow her, or my Dad, who played it down, to take ds away, Norco away with them as a group. Glad you have stood up to your MIL.

Thanks I suppose the thread has done its course,

yeah I agree going would be like placating, If we are like 'we are not going because of him , and his past behaviour'. It's not ignorable.
How many people would give up such a nice place over something minor? no-one.

that sounds dreadful Edam, possibly worse tbh,

I think you have made absolutely the right decision, even though your DS likes to spend time with his cousin(s), it shouldn't be at the expense of his own happiness and safety/security.

Your MIL has demonstrated that she failed to protect him from your unutterable BIL once before and has clearly done nothing in between to redeem herself, so why on EARTH would she think you would hand over your DS to her "care" for several days?

And of course you don't want to go to make sure that DS is ok - because then you'd have to put up with BIL.

I know you want to find a diplomatic way to tell them but I think sometimes straight talking is really the only way forward and saying something like "Are you serious? You think I'd expose my son to the risk of being hit whenever BIL didn't like something he did, and he's ONLY FOUR and can't rely on his grandparents to save/protect him? I don't think so!" might actually penetrate their minimising brain-state.

Hope you and/or DH manages to find a relatively diplomatic way to tell them to fuck off.

You know you've the right choice. Missing out on a trip where is likely to feel picked and second class doesn't sound like a bad thing to me.

Just say 'no' if you are not comfortable. Not comfortable with DC going abroad without you, no time off work or finances you maybe able to cite as a legitimate reason (albeit secondary) for not going, if you want to be non confrontational.

If this just bothers you or your DH too much you could maybe go on the proviso you stay in separate accommodation and do not socialize with IL's 24/7. This way you can ensure your children are not alone with BiL.

However staying in the same accommodation again or spending a lot of time with them sounds like a nightmare.

Btw IMO no-one is obliged, as a matter of duty or etiquette, to go on holiday with parents or iLs. I have refused both, even without DC added into the mix.

Thanks Straightline. Don't think it's about what's worse, just wanted to say I think you are doing the right thing and I regret not being more decisive/firmer in a similar-ish situation.