I Hate being a mum :(

[Emj86]

I feel ashamed even writing this but it's true!

I love my son but he's a nightmare and has been since the day he was born, he's 17 months and all he does is whinge, he's so hyperactive and loves to break/hit everything included me and to top it off he does not sleep, waking up to four times a night!

He has been a cryer since the min he was born and as my partner worked away for the first 6 months i really struggled, i kept telling myself it would get easier in time but the crying has just turned to constant whining.

I work part time which is honestly a break for me, i dread the rest of the week when im at home!

My friends with kids constantly go on about how having kids is the best thing thats happened to them and how they love being mothers, i sit there and agree even though it's so far from the truth.

My partner helps, probably not enough but even he has started to get frustrated by it all now and i find i have to justify dh's behaviour to him.

Just to add he goes to a childminder 3 x a week and i always try to take him out to burn some energy, he eats well and has a good routine with bed being at 7pm.

Anyone else feel like this or am i really a horrible person for even thinking it? Just wish i could pack a bag and leave alot of the time.

Sorry you feel crap :-( have you talked this through with anyone? Maybe try your dr or a close friend, and no your not alone lots of people find it hard going.

My dd sounds the same as your ds... I swear she is a born whinger! She is 3 now so things are improving and she is a lovely, charming little girl. I don't particularly enjoy the drudgery of motherhood...cleaning up/feeding/changing etc...that is just hard work.

Console yourself with the thought that its not your child you dislike, its the hard work of caring for them...big difference.

Time moves fast and things improve...trust me!

I feel for you OP, I think everyone feels like that sometimes,

I used to tell mine that I couldn't hear/understand whiny voice, speak to me in a normal voice, and then make a big fuss when they do, and give them what they want if possible But not until the voice changes.

and for you.

There is a daft and destructive myth that having children is amazing. You love your child, be grateful for that. Not all women do. I gather things are supposed to improve, look forward to that day! Might help to talk things over in real life with a friend/family/doctor though. Also try and make time for you and the things you enjoy, a happy you could mean a happy child.

I really feel for you - I'm sure someone wiser will come along shortly, but for what it's worth, my DS1 was crying/whining/complaining A LOT until he was about 2 1/2! I clearly remember DH and me finding it remarkable when little 2-month-old DS had prolonged spells of contentment - prolonged meaning about 10 minutes. It also felt to me that he was always the first baby to dissolve into tears at baby massage/ baby group/baby singing etc.

It is not nice, but 2 years on he is almost the complete opposite! So there is an end to this behaviour! He also took a long time to sleep through, but at 2 suddenly decided to and at the moment only wakes up when something is wrong. And life quality has improved vastly!

What helped me as well was the realisation that ultimately, I'm in charge and it's ok if DS gets a bit frustrated at times, say if I don't play with him when I have to make dinner, or that he cannot eat my ipod etc, and it will not harm him. I need to stay healthy and sane, too.

Also: the age around 18 months is very very exhausting I think, because they are so mobile and curious but still very much lack common sense/insight! It really really will get better!!

Have you spoken to anyone in real life about this? Not necessarily a doctor, but your DP or your mum or a friend? It's more common than you'd think, believe me. I have colleagues who love coming into work just to get a break from it all. It doesn't make you a bad parent or a horrible mum - it makes you a human who doesn't like being around constant whining, be it from your own baby or from someone else's - it's normal to want an escape occasionally.

Honestly i feel for you I have a whinger too. I called him the howler from day one cry cry cry everytime put him down. His eyes and mouth seemed to be wired, eyes open, cry cry cry, proper, I'm being attacked style screaming.
He doesn't sleep much either night or day.
2 hours max at night if I'm lucky.
I think every minutes he's awake I'm a minute closer to him being tired and sleeping.
However there are many moments of complete love and elation which keep me going.
Parenting is hard, have you spoken to your doc?
I definitely don't enjoy every minute of my children, some days I'm glad it's bedtime. But I still love them.
It's not wrong to get pissed off, overwhelmed, want to be away from your children at times.
Good luck x

That's sad. You should be able to get some enjoyment out of your children.

I'm sure you've tried all sorts but I tend to do whats become known as "lovebombing" when my toddler is out of sorts. I find it works just as much for ME as for him, as the enforced positivity and love (even if I'm not feeling very positive!) works a bit like laughter therapy and we fall in love with each other again.

Another thing is if you feel the pressure escalating is to lay on the floor, breathe deeply and ignore him for a minute! You might find he comes over for a hug or a climb or a doze (hopefully!). Then you can begin to start over in a more positive frame of mind together.

He's still a baby at 17 months, its not too late to start over and treat him like one. lots of cuddles and closeness and building a bond between you. I hope you get to enjoy him soon

I remember my life with toddlers like this: I loved them to bits, but I basically hated my life and felt like I was in prison.

I am SO MUCH HAPPIER of a person now that my kids are older. I would absolutely kill myself if I had to go through it again.

I hope this makes you feel better, OP.

It is so draining when they're constantly whinging and it's no surprise you don't feel overflowing with love when this is what you face day after day.

If you want his behaviour to change you need to start acting now. Kids don't magically wake up well behaved. It takes a lot of hard work and persistence from a parent. With regards to waking up in the night, personally I'd reassure once immediately then leave to CIO. By going to him you're reinforcing the benefits of waking.

Try introducing boundaries and discipline and (super hard I know) ignoring the whinge and rewarding better behaviour with lots of encouragement so he sees how happy mummy is!!

It's hard work and a slog but it really can be great and I think you get back what you put in.

When DD was 13 months, I went back to work 4 days a week. Every Tuesday, somebody would say "Oh, I bet you're looking forward to your day off with your DD, aren't you?". Of course, I'd reply "Oh, yes", whilst actually thinking "I'd rather be at work, actually". By that time, I was pregnant with DC2...

With hindsight, I really, really wish I'd just spent most of the time playing with her, reading to her, taking her out etc. I'd try to get some housework done, and would get enormously frustrated when I couldn't even do the washing up without her wailing and pulling at my trousers. With hindsight, I should have just left the washing up and spent all the time focussing on her and doing the essentials when she napped. I'm not saying you don't do this, just hope my own experience/regrets might help in some way.

On a slightly separate note, is it possible he's in pain but can't tell you about it? It would be one explanation for constant whinginess. Might it be worth a visit to the GP to eliminate anything obvious?

Thanks everyone it's nice to know im not alone and im not as 'horrible' as i thought for thinking it, brightnearly your ds sounds so similar! I couldn't attend many baby classes as he would always scream in fact i hardly dared leave the house for the first 9 months for fear of him kicking off, that is no exaggeration!

Unfortunelty i don't have the type of relationship with my mum to talk about any of this, i have tried to speak to a friend but she finds motherhood all so natural and tbh don't think she understood, i don't want anyone to think im a bad mum so just hold it all in.

I don't let ds see my frustration at all but what worries me is that my patience is wearing so thin now that it's effecting my relationship with oh, im snapping all the time mainly because im so tired!

Like others im hoping it will improve as he get's older, i used to dream of having two children but the thought of another is terrifying.

I loved ny pregnancy and found it quite easy, even the birth was really straightforward, i sometimes think this is my punishment for having such an easy time before he was here!

Have you tried your local Surestart centre? It might be good to get out to some toddler groups and they also run courses on behaviour management (I found these really good and they addressed whinging very well). There is also usually something like a Better Bedtimes courses which gives you ideas to get them sleeping through the night. Your health visitor can also be a great support. They often have access to play specialists who can come round and give you some support as well. Wht about HomeStart? They will put you in touch with a local mum who can help you with whatever you are struggling with.

I have used all this support and I am a trained early years teacher and lecturer! Having your own child can be a huge shock and often very different to what you imagined it would be like. It will get better, just make sure you access all the support you can until it does.

Also ask your health visitor if your area has a local sleep clinic. They will help you to get your child sleeping through the night. Almost 2 years is a long time to go without a good night's sleep and this will be affecting your mood and ability to cope.

I spoke to my health visitor last week and she advised cio might be worth trying, he has had a cold this last week so will look to try it next week when i have read up on it abit more, he has no health issues so that's def not an issue.

I would second the Surestart suggestion. They were a lifesaver for me.

You might want to read about Controlled Crying as well. I found that I couldn't do CIO but CC worked very well for us.

I bet most of your friends have felt the same as you, at least at times, but it's so difficult to admit. As a GP, I see patients who feel like you all the time, but they have rarely admitted it to anyone, even their DP/DH. You are most definitely not alone and, when your DC are a bit older, I bet you'll find that all those friends who are saying how much they love motherhood now will admit that they found some of the baby/toddler stage hell.

I think some mums just prefer/are more adapted to having older kids? (But of course you have to go thru the early yrs if you intend to have a child by giving birth to it!)

In my case, I (generally) find most "little" children very annoying. I find trying to entertain them very boring. (And I think they find me dull company too!)

Luckily, my DH loved the early yrs, so he did a lot better than me in evenings & weekends. (Eg He took them out, took them swimming, played silly games.) This enabled me to have some time alone and I was happy the kids they were getting "fun" from him I provided "the necessities" eg food, clothing, safety.)

Our 1st child was also quite a difficult child compared to my friends' children. (Which was annoying! I wanted and expected an easy child ... but didn't get one!) He wouldnt sleep for long, & was always trying to do something which he shouldn't. (I need my sleep, so that was a problem as if I was tired, I couldn't 'enjoy' my time with him.)

So I think I felt just like you, when our child was < 16 mths.

But we had a 2nd child, (with only a 16 mth gap) and that really seemed to help, as child #1 now had someone more interesting to 'play' with! (Tho it was of course quite hard to 'play' with a newborn!) I just had to make sure no accidental harm came to child # 2 (via child #1), but the novelty factor worked well! (And eventually they played together quite nicely.)

So my advice (FWIW) is that your feelings are completely in the range of "normal" (from what you have said), therefore, just try to get thru these tough yrs and things should hopefully improve when he can play more on his own/with friends and you can talk to him about stuff. (I like it once I can have a meaningful conversation with a child!)

And FYI, my child #1 (who was very difficult/challenging) has turned out to be a lovely/likeable/interesting young man of whom I am proud. So please don't despair!

you are not a bad mum, and it most deff does not you make horrid.

with ds1 i had pre and post natal depression ( im not saying yo have it) and i didnt have a bond with him at all, i did the things he needed, feeding, changing, cuddles, playing but i had no attachment to him at all. it wasnt till he was about a 11 months and he fell out of his cot by climbing the sides .. he was fine, but it was the first time h e had really hurt himself. some thing clicked and these emotions just took over, and slowly i started enjoying doing things with him. thing was he was an "easy" baby. didnt cry unless he was hungry, slept through pretty much from 3 months.. i had no reason to be feeling the way i did.

2 years of crying/whinging and no sleep, you are bound to feel like you do, so give your self a break and remeber you are a good mum.

does your oh help out? can you get a good nights sleep? a also love bombing i still use with ds1 and ds2 when theve been absolutly horrid and im at my wits end.. it can take some forcing to do on your half but i find it helps re start things, like cleaning the slate. its very easy to get into a rut of theve been naughty and just carying that mood with you all day.

Some children are harder to parent, there's no doubt about it. I would recommend trying to get as many breaks and 'you time' as possible to allow you to take care of yourself. He will grow through it. My DS is similar but is brilliant because of it. He's still more difficult at 10 but that grit and quest for perfection is what makes him absolutely brilliant too.

my nephew was a constant whinger. turned out he had glue ear. good luck and take care. it can be bloody frustrating being a mum. now- some advice for me please re unpleasant teenage daughter!!!

I don't have time to read the thread, sorry, but just wanted to say that when my son was the same age as yours I felt exactly the same. He's just turned four now and I love love love being his mum. Believe me, I NEVER thought I would say that.

I like the idea of babies but found his babyhood so very boring and draining and lonely. Now we can have conversations, go out together...it's a lot more involving and fun. I don't have to follow him around everywhere, can go to the loo, have a leisurely shower, don't have to worry about him climbing or pulling something over. We build lego together, paint pictures and I'm teaching him to read.

When he was younger I remember counting the days until he'd go to school - now I'm gutted at the thought of him going in September.

Just wanted to share my experience.