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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this Beavers group is rather poorly run and to consider giving up on it after one session?

33 replies

lecce · 09/01/2014 20:32

Took ds tonight. He was very excited and we have been trying to get him in for ages. Unfortunately, the one nearest to us, to which at least two of his classmates go, is full, so we took the decision to send him to one a five minute drive away. We have been in this area less than a year and he does no other extra-curricular stuff and has been quite slow to make friends at school (though progress on that front since Sept), so we didn't want to leave it any longer as we thought this would be a good way to meet people.

Anyway, 5 or 6 other children started tonight, 4 of them together as a unit, and they already knew several other children there. Ds joined in well on all the group activities, but there was no real effort to intergrate new members - buddying them up, or anything. At snack time, ds ended up sitting on his own surrounded by groups of children all chatting to each other Sad. Aibu to think one of the 5 volunteers there could have encouraged him to join a group, made introductions, eased his path in some way? It was so hard to watch I considered going to him myself and encouraging him to join a group, but I couldn't have got to him without stepping over all the children and, as the only parent there, I felt it would have made a show of him.

It just seems that unless you already know loads of people there is no point in going to these groups as people go in with existing friends.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Monetbyhimself · 09/01/2014 20:34

Volunteer yourself ?

diddlediddledumpling · 09/01/2014 20:39

I expect he'll get to know people in the coming weeks. Tbh, I don't think the group mine go to had any kind if buddying up system, I think they just rely on the kids getting to know each other through games etc.

Did you feel it was necessary to stay? Maybe it would be better for both of you if you left him to it.

AgentProvocateur · 09/01/2014 20:40

Have you shown your DS how to make friends or talk to people? TBH, you sound a bit negative. It's only been one week, and if you leave everything after a week, your DS will never make friends.

cardibach · 09/01/2014 20:41

Making friends is not an instant business, though. While I agree that those who run the group ought to try to integrate new members, actual friendships develop over time and shared experience. I think it might be worth persevering - although if you want him to make friends who will be at school with him, perhaps you should wait for the nearest group to have places.

ShatnersBassoon · 09/01/2014 20:42

You should have got stuck in. The leaders will have thought you were stopping for a reason so didn't want to tread on your toes.

LingDiLong · 09/01/2014 20:44

That is a shame. My DS recently joined Beavers and they buddy people up and really help them integrate. I was so relieved as there's not many there from his school. How did your DS feel about it all? Does he want to go back?

knickernicker · 09/01/2014 20:45

DD went to Rainbows for a year and barely spoke to a soul. It didn't concern me. It was a large group, with comings and goings. They're run by volunteers who do their best to set up activities etc. I'd be very impressed if they were great ay integrating shy children too.

TSSDNCOP · 09/01/2014 20:49

Don't pull him out.

As soon as he engages in activities and is put into a colony he'll make friends.

Beavers is great, but it's also a way of getting DC to mx themselves without Mummycopters.

boodles · 09/01/2014 20:49

In our group there is no buddy system. When new children start at the beginning of that session we go round and say all of our names. It usually takes about 2 or 3 sessions for a child to feel more at home and get to know more faces. We don't do buddy up things also because they have a lodge and do lots of activities as a group so soon make friends.

kansasmum · 09/01/2014 20:49

My ds goes to the local Beavers. It's held at the school in the next village and ALL the other kids go to this school except my son. It's the only Beaver pack in this area. They all know each other already as do all the parents.
The first couple of weeks my ds cried when I left cos he felt alone and scared but the leaders did encourage him although there was no buddying up which would have been good. We had a few weeks when he didn't want to go but he persevered and has made a few friends and LOVES Beavers. I did nearly pull him out a few times but decided it was worth persevering - he enjoyed the activities but did feel a bit lonely. It's got better as I've said so do keep going. It will get easier.

LingDiLong · 09/01/2014 20:50

Wow we clearly got very lucky then. In fairness it only took the woman running it 2 minutes extra time to set ds up with a buddy. Not that hard surely? And lots of 6 year olds are shy aren't they? OP, why don't you tell the leaders that he struggles a bit making friends and ask for their help? Give them another chance?

WooWooOwl · 09/01/2014 20:50

Do you think that happens at school when groups are mixed up and children have to sit with other children they don't know that well?

YABVU to suggest that this group isn't well run just because your child was sat with children he didn't know. You said he joined in well with the activities, that's how he'll get to know others.

Your ds was fine, and I know it tugs at the heartstrings when your child looks a bit lonely while others are playing, but really, he was fine.

It would be a real shame for him if you took away an opportunity for him to learn to make friends after one session, especially when nothing was wrong.

Hassled · 09/01/2014 20:51

Give it time - don't give him the message that it's OK to quit just because things weren't easy the very first week. Hopefully he'll settle in with the others in time.

LindyHemming · 09/01/2014 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shoozies · 09/01/2014 20:53

You haven't mentioned how your ds felt about the session, only how you felt about it. But you said he joined in well with the activities and maybe he actually had a good time despite eating his snack on his own. I do get how uncomfortable for you it must have been seeing him eating on his own, but maybe he actually didn't mind as much as you think he did. I would praise him for joining in and take him again.

CaisleanDraiochta · 09/01/2014 20:53

Did your DS enjoy it? Does he want to go again? If yes then let him go again next week.

And please don't stay next week either. If he is old enough to join, then he is old enough to be left. Did you also stay for his first day at school?

Emski76 · 09/01/2014 21:02

I run a Rainbows unit and introduced our 2 new girls this week. One was very confident and joined in, the other girls mum stayed, hence her daughter constantly looking to her mum for reassurance so didn't fully join in. It's obviously the mums choice to stay but none of the leaders pulled her from her mum or overly encouraged her to join in as her mum was there.
We don't buddy the new girls up with older girls as some of our older Rainbows still don't talk much but still enjoy themselves. If a parent was concerned we would obviously do what we could to help.
Your son will be fine and there will always be situations in life where he won't know people and will have to cope with that on his own. Ds1 joined Beavers in Sept and can be very shy and only knows 2 boys in the group but we haven't made a big deal of it and he really enjoys himself there.
Give it a chance and see how he gets on by himself.

Original poster
lecce · 09/01/2014 21:03

Thanks for the replies.

I was there because the email we had gave the impression that it was standard practice for parents to stay for the first session.

WooWooOwl I know what happens in schools - I am a teacher, and a new child would be buddied up with someone - that has been the case in every school I have worked in. Being completely new to a setting as a whole can't really be compared with being asked to work in a different group for a lesson or two. And he wasn't sitting with children he didn't know - I knew that was going to happen; he was sitting alone surrounded by others in groups.

I do realise it is volunteers who run this but I really don't think it would have been asking too much, when he spent 15 minutes on his own, for someone to have knelt down between him and one of the nearby groups and made some introductions (sounds ridiculously formal, but I can't think of another way of putting it now) to try and intergrate him a bit. I take people's points about the buddying system, but this just seems basic common sense to me.

Anyway, I'm tired and grumpy. He enjoyed it and wants to go back so he will (I won't stay). He is a funny chap - not really shy, just reserved and a little quirky, but certainly quietly confident. As was painfully shy as a child, and he is nothing like me.

OP posts:
Original poster
lecce · 09/01/2014 21:08

I sat at the back reading (probably looked a weirdo, but hey). At no point did he approach me. He is not at all clingy and I am not a helicopter parent - I work f/t and don't have the time to be Smile. See this is another thing pissing me off, now. I get an email that gives the sense that I need to stay - so I go prepared with a book as I knew he wouldn't go near me. Then 5 other new parents walk out and it is obviously common knowledge that only a totally idiotic, over-protective parent would even consider staying Hmm.

OP posts:
Dollydishus · 09/01/2014 21:15

Lecce - sometimes being a teacher is a disadvantage! I had to really step away from helping at a brownie pack because there were so many things I didn't like about the way it was run. But my DD loved it so I had to grin and bear it. But I didn't help any more. You are really experienced at handling groups of children so some things will be second nature to you that won't be to others, like buddy systems.

The thing is, it isn't school. That's why they like it. The dynamic is different. He will be fine. Don't stay next week. And don't pull him out...he'll feel like he got it wrong.

Emski76 · 09/01/2014 21:25

Leave, i can definitely see your point and when he was sat on his own. We always ensure all girls are involved and no one is left out so that would have bothered me.
We've had 2 of our quieter parents ask us if their daughters are ok at Rainbows and whether they join in. They do but are just more reserved. It's hard as a parent though isn't it? Would you comfortable mentioning something next week? I know as a leader I would not be ok with a pasting expressing their concerns.

mumthetaxidriver · 09/01/2014 21:31

Really pleased that he enjoyed it and wants to go back. At our Beaver colony we dont have buddying but we find that the lodge system encourages friendships to form very quickly as so many of the activities and games are done in these groups. Also in the first 6 weeks before the investitures the new Beavers will be taken aside to lean more about scouting - this will give them a chance to get to know each other.

MiniSoksMakeHardWork · 09/01/2014 21:46

It's likely the first one back after Christmas, with a new programme and kids excited to see friends they may not have seen at school. My dd is the only one in her rainbow unit from her school. The girls warmly welcomed and scooped her into their games on her first session. They continue to do this with every new girl who starts. We have some who are more shy than others but after a term they are generally joining in well.

DrNick · 09/01/2014 21:47

i think thats a bit weird

but let him carry on a few more times

DrNick · 09/01/2014 21:48

maybe he was acutally wise sitting slightly apart - not wanting to put all his eggs in one basket - will choose his mates when he has sussed them all out

look at it that way?!

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