to wish DP would relieve me of baby duties while I'm ill?

[Wuxiapian]

I'm 32 weeks pregnant.

DS2, 11 months, has been ill with bronchiolitis - we ended up in hospital and I stayed overnight with baby. I had 4 very broken hours sleep that night - much of the awake time standing beside the cot.

Baby and I returned home the following day and needless to say, I was shattered. Baby, DP and I managed an hour nap (even though DP had a good sleep at home the night before), but awoke with baby crying and DP not offering to fix his bottle - I got myself up to do it after baby whinged for 5 mins.

I've felt rotten since. Lacking in energy and very hormonal and wish DP would offer to look after DS while I grab a little nap, but he hasn't.

He has a cold, which is fair enough. We all have.

He works from home and I don't want to disturb him, but AIBU to expect him to see how wretched I feel and offer a little help??

Have you actually asked him?

Yes tell him to look after your shared, 50-50, sperm n eggs combo child. You are ill woman !

You are not being at all unreasonable to expect him to help. But why wait for him to offer? What happens when you ask?

Don't ask. Expect. Or do the options thing "DP are you doing nappy change or bottle?". If he says anything about you needing to do it eye just pull this face and point out that you need to rest.

Why don't you tell him that you are exhausted and need some sleep.

He'd have to be a grade A arsehole to refuse to enable his pregnant partner some rest!

YANBU, just give him baby and say you're going to bed or to have a bath. If he complains, say "oh, I didn't realise you were incapable of looking after your son" and walk off.

Tell him. He is probably oblivious and thinks you are managing fine.

Thanks for replies.

Well, he's asked how I'm feeling a few times and, when I reply that I'm not good/really tired, I get a pitying look and that's about it. Or, "you'll have to have an early night", which rarely happens by the time DS settles down and I've cleaned bottles/tidied up for the morning.

Not another MNetter communicating telepathically with her partner and being disappointed.

You are pregnant, ill and exhausted. Use words.
He shouldn't be 'offering a little help' he should be dealing with his son.

YANBU to feel this way but YABU for not just saying you're exhausted and need him to take the baby.

Use your words!

He is not a mind reader!

Ask him to do what you want done!

Thing is, he is working yes? Although working from home.

If he worked in an office would you be asking him to come home?

Because that is it really isn't it. He isn't at home lazing around he is working. Are you ill enough to need him to stop working?

If the answer is yes then when he asks you how you are TELL THE TRUTH! Say "I really don't feel well, I need to go have a sleep. Is it possible for you to take the rest of the afternoon off?" If you just say you are a bit tired how does he know that he needs to take time off work?

The thing about working at home is that you usually have the flexibility to stop and deal with an emergency and then work late.

What the others have said. Don't say "I'm not feeling too good", say, "I'm not feeling too good, I need to rest, please can you take the baby for the next few hours and tend to all his needs so I can sleep, thanks."

Not necessarily no. Dh works from home most of the time. If he has a call then he has a call. Still have meetings, they just happen by phone or online. Depends on what job you do.

(that was to SIlver btw)

Write these words on the back of your hand:
"DP, I am 32 weeks preganant, I was up all night at the hospital, I am exhausted. Will you please get up with DS and make his bottle, I must to rest"
Find him, read out these words, go to bed.

A couple of times I've asked him to hold onto DS as he's starting to toddle and my back's in a bad way and, if it's past say 0930, when he wants to be up in the office, I'll get "how are you going to manage when the baby arrives?".

I tell him to put DS in his walker and carry on with jobs. He'll then go outside for a cigarette, which really annoys me.

My dad popped by today - we don't see him often. I text DP to tell him and that he could pop his head in to say hello if he wanted. An hour later and still no sign of him. I text again saying I felt really crappy and couldn't cope with everything. He did come down, but not before spending 15 mins on the loo!

Stop bugging him with needy hints, prioritise what you actually need him to do to help and discuss this with him and when he can fit it in with work.

Sympathies to you, I would be exhausetd with al you are coping with, and you probably just wnat some tlc...but he does presumably need to work.

Will he be taking paternity leave?

Sorry OP it sounds like you are having a horrible time.

Yes the other posters are right, you need to state your needs clearly, but I can understand why you are upset - it's crap that another person who is meant to love you does not understand that you cannot survive on no sleep particularly when pregnant.

Oh and asking your parent to help when your DCs are ill is not "bugging" someone with "needy hints", it's purely asking for someone to treat you like they would want to be treated.

Could you afford for your DP to book/take a few days off work? Be very honest with him, tell him you are exhausted and need a proper day or two to rest, I think you just need to be very clear in your communication

Please don't be a doormat. Please tell him and then atleast give the bloke a chance.

You say he won't look after the toddler if it is past the time he wants to be in the office. Well yeah, my dh would refuse too. You need to treat his going to the office at home as going to the office in am office. so does he.

If you need help then you need to organise for him to take time off, not just expect him to do stuff as abs when during him working hours.

That said he needs to treat his working hours in the same way.

He is the father. When he add work, fine. When he had finished he needs to take an equal share of household and parenting tasks. But he shouldn't be expected to drop everything during work time.

He does have a point about when the baby arrives. It will be hard, you will have 2 to juggle. You and he perhaps need to have a chat about work and office rules.

You need to spell it out to your dp that you NEED help.

I think it is pretty disgusting that he has time to go out for a fag, but not enough time to come and give you a hand with the baby.

My ds had bronchiolitis and the dr recomended that he wasn't even around anyone who had smoked.

Thanks again for replies.

I hate to have to ask for help - I feel that I shouldn't have to, but maybe I will have to start!

Indith, you're right. I guess the fact that he's at home makes it easier to become dependent on him sometimes.

I am very concerned about how I'm going to cope with 2 under 13 months as I suffer with bad back and am on iron tablets for low iron, but I guess I'll have to deal with that when it happens. DP will take a couple weeks off when baby arrives.

ikea, I've told him about the smoking - especially since DS is I'll, but he says the HV says its ok as long as he takes his coat off once back indoors. His smoking is a big problem for me at the best of times. He gave up for a few months earlier in the year, but started again as "work is stressful"...