to really resent my grandmother over this?

[quadro]

My father died two years ago but it is only now what she did at the time is making me angry-I haven't raised the issue with her as yet as I don't know how to. I'm going to get quite detailed here as the odds of my being 'found out' for posting it are virtually zero.

I am in my mid-20's. my dad died in his mid-40s and my grandmother is about 70. My parents divorced when I was young but we kept in contact.
Anyway he moved about 200 miles away and although never lived with another woman, found a partner that he enjoyed spending time with. He became terminally ill and we -his family- visited him. Though he had moved in with his partner and her son and they were caring for him.

I'd just returned from visiting him and was on the way up with my uncle, his wife and grandmother when we got the phone call that he had died.

I later found out that my grandmother had been warned by the nurse that his death was imminent (this was a monday night) but returned to her home 200 miles away anyway *without bothering to tell me about this 'warning'. So we ended up going up on the tuesday. If I had known this, I would have travelled up there and then.

As it is, she keeps blaming my uncle and aunt for them returning because they 'had to get back for their kids'. I don't believe this for one second, actually, my belief is that had she told them of his imminent death, they'd have found a way to stay.

And she keeps on repeating this 'we had to get back for the kids' line. I feel mad as hell and have to cut short my visit because I feel I might explode, besides which, there was no reason why she couldn't stay.

AIBU?

I just do not get how any mother on being told 'your son is about to die' could leave his side.

I am sorry for your loss.

I think to be honest you need to leave it.
I lost my sister last year and I watched my mother and my siblings trying to process that hideous time, in particular the last few days by her bedside.

It's awful. And people handle it differently using denial, distraction and misplaced anger - whatever allows them to escape the awfulness of what is happening and the terrible grief and guilt and regret.

You have no notion of what she is feeling. Leave her be.

I would like to think that her way of coping was to totally blank out the possibility of her child dying rather than deliberately cutting all out of the proceedings.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I know it's horrible for you but try to get counselling for yourself. X

But you were 'at her bedside'. My grandmother -despite being told he was about to die- thought it better to leave him. What kind of a mother does that? Plus, why didn't she call me to say? Continually, blaming my uncle and aunt for this is also causing a rift between my aunt and her. And I seriously don't blame my aunt-who after all is not his actual mother - for being peed off.

We then had to wait 3 weeks for the funeral as she insisted on bringing him back to be buried in his 'home' town. Three weeks (!). What has brought this to a head for me is that I've just come back from a visit where she spoke at length at how 'nice' her Christmas wreath looked but how she couldn't fit his ex-partner's bouquet of flowers in as well at the grave. I'm seriously thinking of cutting contact with her. It sounds trivial, and I don't really care about flowers but she does IYSWIM , but this is typical of her.

I very nearly wasn't at her bedside. And my mother only got through it by being completely being in denial about how much pain she was in and quietly, fervently wishing it over as soon as possible.
I think now she wishes she hadn't been there tbh.

I think you should probably cut contact because you want to blame her and resent her. Deaths always do this IMHO.
But I am not sure why you ask if you are being unreasonable if the honest, and frankly painful, experiences posted to you are simply going to be ignored so that you can restate that she is wrong and heartless.

I appreciate that people use coping mechanisms and so on, but surely any mother who is actually in the same house as her son who is told he is about to die by a medical professional doesn't just leave the house and travel 200 miles home without even bothering to inform his children -who are 200 miles away of this fact ( I had returned from visiting him the day before and would have dropped everything had she bothered to relay this information) is pretty poor as a parent?

I didn't get the option because of her own selfishness. And all this fawning over the grave and flowers, what on earth's all that about?

Quadro

She you saw what's ll the fawning about? I would say a coping strategy. Talk about any old shit to take the mind away from pain. A person my look cold and heartless on the outside but their inside have just melted with pain.

She's changed the truth to protect herself. Everybody feels guilt at some level when a loved one dies. Leave her be but do think about getting some bereavement counselling for yourself. By focussing on this, you're not dealing with your own grief. You can't change what happened, as sad as that may be, the only thing you can do is find a way to deal with it

I know it's easier said than done, I've lost both my siblings so my mum has lost two of her children. If your GM is changing the truth it's probably the only way she can cope.

Soapy bad typo.

'You ask what's all the fawning about'

Based on my personal experience, I cut people a lot of slack regarding how they handle bereavement/imminent death having been through a similar situation with my mum last year. (And yes I know losing a parent isn't the same as losing a child.)

I think you need to accept you will never get the answers you would like from your grandmother and consider bereavement counselling instead to deal with this and be able to move on.

She was probably in denial and hoping against hope that if she ignored what she had been told it wouldn't be true. Ostrich behaviour as the news she had just heard was just too awful for her to accept. It's an extremely common human reaction.

The fawning over the grave and flowers is probably because she has regrets and again is trying to process her feelings. There is no correct way to grieve we all have to work it out for ourselves in our own way. Please don't judge her too harshly as many people feel it's unnatural to outlive a child,( in my Dad's culture parents are not allowed to attend the funeral or graveside of their child as it's thought it can drive them crazy).

I wouldn't get angry with her, you are both now grieving. Rather I'd accept that you yourself are moving in a healthy way through the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance). If you let yourself get into blame mode it won't help you in the long term to recover from your own loss.

You miss your Dad, you loved him. Share the wonderful memories you have with her, let her tell you what he was like as a child. Death can split a family or unite it. Please just accept that seemingly totally irrational behaviour is a part of the grieving process & that for all her faults your Dad probably really loved his Mum.

I lost my own Dad in my early 20's and find it more helpful to be thankful for the time we did have with a wonderful man, than to ponder on our loss nowadays. It took me years to get to that point as my sisters were still at school when we lost him, & I felt that this was unfair.

Maybe the situation was too painful for her to cope with? As stated above- people replying to you have experience with death and have told you they feel she was not being heartless and unreasonable. I think you should accept that and give her a break.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Without knowing what kind of mother your grandmother was to your father it's hard to say why she behaved the way she did and then changed the truth afterwards. She may have been in denial. Losing a child must be devastating.

Perhaps bereavement counselling could help you understand and perhaps forgive her?

I'm sorry for your loss.

When my mother was a teenager she was very ill and wasn't really expected to live (obviously she pulled through) but her mother couldn't visit her in hospital because she was in total denial about the severity of the problem and if she didn't see my mother she could pretend it wasn't real. People cope as they can, it's very often far from heartless but can appear that way to someone else.

Even if some 'slack' is cut for her as she couldn't face it; why didn't she at least tell my brother and myself about what the medic/s had said to her.

You see her actions didn't just affect her, as we would have rushed up to see him.

When my great aunt (her sister) lost her husband, one of her first comments was, 'do you think I can go on holiday in two weeks time?'

You seem quite determined so not really an aibu. More an 'I am right, agree with me'

I think you have had some great advice on here from kind people who, like me, wish you well.
Blaming her won't help you even though it clearly brings you some relief.
I hope you get some bereavement counselling.

Pagwatch, even if I take on board the comments that she was in denial and I shouldn't be too harsh on her-which I guess is what you are saying- I find it hard to accept why she couldn't have made a quick call to myself and brother to say he was very unwell. Why didn't she do this at least?

Here is a link to Cruse. They have resources on their website and offer bereavement counselling.

To put it bluntly quadro it is too late to keep going over and over 'what if's' and 'why didn't she do this'. You need to learn to deal with your grief rather than projecting your views onto your grandmother. We have, sadly, had to deal with many deaths in our family and people cope in very, very different ways. There is no 'right' way to deal with death.

I understand that you find it difficult to accept what she did, but that is the reality. You cannot change the past.

quadro, I so sorry for your loss . Your father was a v young man to have died; even though he was ill, it must have been a terrible shock.

You sound as if you are still struggling to come to terms with his death and the fact that you did not have a chance to say a 'proper' good-bye.
For your own sake, I would suggest you seek some bereavement counselling.
CRUSE are v v good at what they do - have a look at the website and consider contacting them.

IMO and IME your grandmother at the time was in denial about your father's imminent death and even having to say it out loud to, for instance, you, would've made it too real for her to bear.
You are angry. Angry at her, angry at your loss (maybe angry at your father for 'leaving' you?), angry that you cannot go back and change anything?

You sound so very hurt, and I am sorry. Being cross at your gran and how she handled things at the time will not make you feel better, it really won't. Leave her be just now. Have no contact while you feel so cross with her.
Look after yourself. Do your grieving. With time, you may be able to forgive her.

I wrote a long piece detailing a relatives (R) actions when people she loves have died or been critically ill. I've deleted it as it is probably too recognisable to anyone that knows me or my family. She has reacted extremely badly/insanely in a number of ways. This is how grief can affect people.

It seemed like she was trying to control everything with no real idea of need. She got set ideas about what should be done - and they had to be done. Little details that didn't matter were made vital. Vital things like contacting other family members was purposely not done.

There were arrangements that needed to urgently be made and she wouldn't let others be involved but wouldn't make decisions herself.She cut off completely emotionally and could not process others emotions or have any concept of empathy for them. She is still not coping with the deaths and it's been nearly twenty years since her Dad died.

Plenty of her distant family are still alive and she clings to them and talks excessively about the past and those that died with no tact, whilst being very distant with her own husband and children. She needs help but won't get it. I don't think she will ever recover.

I find it hard to accept why she couldn't have made a quick call to myself and brother to say he was very unwell. Why didn't she do this at least?

It is likely that she could not face it