to really resent my grandmother over this?

[quadro]

My father died two years ago but it is only now what she did at the time is making me angry-I haven't raised the issue with her as yet as I don't know how to. I'm going to get quite detailed here as the odds of my being 'found out' for posting it are virtually zero.

I am in my mid-20's. my dad died in his mid-40s and my grandmother is about 70. My parents divorced when I was young but we kept in contact.
Anyway he moved about 200 miles away and although never lived with another woman, found a partner that he enjoyed spending time with. He became terminally ill and we -his family- visited him. Though he had moved in with his partner and her son and they were caring for him.

I'd just returned from visiting him and was on the way up with my uncle, his wife and grandmother when we got the phone call that he had died.

I later found out that my grandmother had been warned by the nurse that his death was imminent (this was a monday night) but returned to her home 200 miles away anyway *without bothering to tell me about this 'warning'. So we ended up going up on the tuesday. If I had known this, I would have travelled up there and then.

As it is, she keeps blaming my uncle and aunt for them returning because they 'had to get back for their kids'. I don't believe this for one second, actually, my belief is that had she told them of his imminent death, they'd have found a way to stay.

And she keeps on repeating this 'we had to get back for the kids' line. I feel mad as hell and have to cut short my visit because I feel I might explode, besides which, there was no reason why she couldn't stay.

AIBU?

Part of her actions were almost nonacceptance of what was happening, the hospital were telling her - it will be today, a few hours etc yet she wouldn't accept it so didn't make the phonecalls to let others know.

For one critically sick relative at home she refused to open the door to let the doctor in.

Hey Quadro,

Sorry for your loss...

There is no way around it, death sucks. It doesn't matter that we know about it being part of life, that we expect it, prepare for it or even if it happens out of the blue. Losing a loved one is shit.

I just want to add to what others have said in that people grieve in different ways and this can lead them to do or act in a manner that can be out of character, seem strange or not understood by others around them. There is no prescribed way to be in this difficult and heart breaking situation. Some people feel they have the monopoly of the grief, that they were closer to the person, they had more rights to the person and that can be upsetting to others but I think that at times like this you just have to try to let it go and not get caught up in it. I know that it can be hard but it will be healthier for you all round.

For what it's worth I lost my dad around the same time as you, my parents chose to keep the 'terminal' aspect of his illness from me and my sibling, this included them knowing that my father had around 6 months to live. As he kept in good health up until a week and half before he died, I wasn't aware of the finality of the situation until I went to see them 3 days before he passed away. I did at first and have often reflected on, if only they had told me, what I would have done differently, spent more time with him, having that final conversation with him etc. But it is what is, my dad and my mum decided they wanted to live each day as normal, and put to the back of their minds the reality of the situation and they believed that they were doing the best for us, their children, by protecting us. It also meant that up until the end we had our normal regular, living relationship with our dad not one where we were looking at him differently wondering how long etc. and this was his wish.

Once he was moved to the community hospital, we were told we could spend as much time at the bedside as we wanted, however my mum chose to stick to visiting hours and then go home and my dad passed away on his own but surrounded by our love. I know how much my mum loved and cared for my dad but in the end she couldn't bear to sit with him counting down the minutes to him passing and so she used the visiting hours as her way of allowing herself to leave.

As a child you are never ready or grown up enough to lose a parent but I felt at all times that my mum more than us was dealing with so much more grief than and that it was our responsibility to support her as much as we could and it wasn't until I returned to my own home after the funeral that I was able to fully start to grieve.

No idea if my little ramble is of any use, but it's written now...

Don't give yourself or your gran a hard time, try talking to her if you think that it will help, let her know how you feel and try to move on but I wouldn't cut her out of your life, life is too short and you have already lost someone you love.

I appreciate everybody's kind words and I can see that it may be denial etc but this is having a negative impact on other members of the family, too, you see my aunt and uncle lost one of their three children about a year ago, too, I barely knew my cousins but these are the very same children that my grandmother said they had to get back home for.

Yet, in spite of this, she still keeps repeating, the 'it wasn't my fault, we had to get back for the children' line. Naturally, my aunt is getting upset with this. If she would just stop repeating this it would be something.

Have you tried talking to her about this maybe just sitting down together and explaining how it is making the other family members feel will help the situation. She may be completely unaware herself.

I would say that she was in shock and denial.
Let it go
No good can come of opening this hornets nest. She lost a child. There is no greater loss. Ever.
Some people just retreat into themselves and deny it's happening others react differently. There is no text book on how to react/cope

Let it go
I'm so sorry for your loss.

She may well benefit from some counselling herself - if she keeps repeating this justification it is likely that she does feel guilty about how she handled it at the time and is trying to 'shift the blame' on something/someone 'acceptable' (returning home to care for children is 'acceptable'; returning and not passing the information about his imminent death is not).
Sadly, you cannot change somebody else's behaviour if they don't wish to change or cannot change. Same goes for your aunt - she has to find a way to deal with your gran's remarks, but cannot expect her to stop unless your gran herself finds a way to let it go.

I agree btw that grief can 'unmask' certain tendencies in people and saying 'everybody grieves differently' is not a justification for how she behaved, just a (possible) explanation. It's what you do with it now that will affect how you feel.

Think of the alternatives for her

1. Aunt and Uncle had to get back for the children or
2. I ignored what the Dr said because I couldn't face believing my son was dying and consequently we weren't there when we should have been.

Which version of reality do you think she finds easier to live with?

Both my parents are dead and it is a hard thing to deal with especially if they die young. My mum was in her early 50's when she died. These sort of situations are always full of "if only" moments. I chatted to my Dad on the phone on a Saturday saying I would be down to visit him in hospital the next day - he died that night ("if only" I'd gone to visit on the Saturday except that one of the DC had something on that day and my Dad seemed to be on the mend). Do I feel bad about it - no - there was always going to be a last day and I had a whole lifetime of memories.

This website might help
www.cruse.org.uk/

When my Dad died, 3 days after going in to hospital, I went into denial after sitting with him for hours watching him slowly and painfully fade away.

I had a phone call at about 11am, saying he was deteriorating. My sister lives up north about 4 hours away. My biggest concern was getting to see my Dad before he died. I was 40 mins away.

My SIL (who I don't particularly like) called me selfish for getting her to ring my sister.

He died just after 3pm and my sister got there 1 1/2 hours later. I spent an hour and a half explaining to her in great detail, exactly what I had to witness because she was JEALOUS that I had been there.

My denial started the week after. I was out of my house before the time of the phone call because 'nobody was going to tell me he was dying'.

My Grandad became even grumpier and at one point told me to fuck off, because my sister had found out what he had done with his will. I cut all ties with him and only saw him 4 years later just before he died. Parents don't expect their kids to die first.

I found bereavement counselling no help at all because it became a bitching session about everyone but my Dad, but it seems to me that you do need to talk to someone outside the family, to help you understand the why's and wherefore's of your own feelings

Sorry for your loss :(

I think older people behave in a strange way when it comes to death, a post war 'get on with it' kind of attitude perhaps

My dad died alone in a street on his way to work, nobody saw it coming so it was an overwhelming shock for all of us. My Granddad told my brother and I that dad died because he was lonely and had nothing to live for because his children did not speak to him. My dad was an alcoholic and had made it very clear through his actions that he couldn't be bothered with us.

I was quite pleased that my Granddad was proved wrong at the funeral because it was a massive turn out of all his work colleagues and friends, my dad was not lonely!

My Granddad kept his distance throughout the day but he did come over once, said my name and shook my hand. I hadn't seen him for 15 years and he blamed me for my dad's death, I could have punched him!

But if I remained angry about it I wouldn't move on with my life.

I'm thinking that you were too young at the time to be contacting the hospital yourself?

If so, what was your mum doing towards helping you & keeping you informed?

Saying his death is "imminent" doesn't necessarily mean that night though.

My dm and her siblings were told dgranny's death was "imminent"-she survived another fortnight.
My df went up to see dgran (200 miles away) knowing that it would be the last time. He had to get compassionate leave from work to do so-but that meant he couldn't stay until she died. She died two days later-he said a few years ago that if she'd died that night he'd have felt terrible for not staying, but he couldn't have stayed longer without producing issues at work that dgran would not have wanted for him.

People don't necessarily do the "common sense" approach when they are shocked and upset. I remember being told by someone who worked in A&E one of his saddest experiences. A lady rushed in almost too distressed to speak. When she could, she gasped out "my baby's stopped breathing". So the paramedics rushed over asking where the baby was to be told she'd left them at home.
Unfortunately in her panic she had done the only thing she could think of-gone to fetch help. She'd run all the way from her home-over a mile away-leaving the baby behind. By the time they'd got medical help to the baby it was too late. The chap who told me was still upset, several years later, wondering if she had phoned for the amulance whether they could have saved the baby-and I'm sure the mum does too.

With anything like that, you are left with a longing. My grandad died 10 days after my granny. I chose not to travel (280miles) to her funeral for various reasons. I now wish I had, simply because it would have been the last time I saw my grandad. I think if someone else had made it awkward for me to go, rather than my choice, I would probably feel angry at them, and blame them, and think "oh I would have gone if it wasn't for them". But it was my choice due to the circumstance I was in.

The thing is is that I think the explanation that it is a defence mechanism to 'blame' my uncle and aunt is probably correct. That if she admitted that she was too cowardly/selfish to stay- and it is selfish, really, not to be with someone on their last day because you're put out by it in some way- it would destroy her.

Nevertheless, had she told me I would have pointed out that, in the long run, it would have been better to put up with the (relatively) short-term pain of staying than the sheer guilt of leaving. Sorry if that sounds cold but it is true. It's not that she wasn't in the same house as him at the time the news was delivered and had to travel. His partner is very nice and would have accommodated her.

People like medical staff can see the signs as they've got vast experience in these matters.

quadro, I am medical and believe me, it is extremely difficult to be accurate about when somebody is going to die. I have got it wrong both ways: predicted more and there was in fact less time, predicted less and there was more .
I now v much stay vague, because so much distress can be caused then a prediction is wrong either way. And I know that the vagueness can be torture for upset loved ones.

Your gran will have to live with her guilt and she has choices on how to manage it (currently she is choosing to 'blame' your aunt and taking no responsibility).
And you will have to find a way to make your peace with the fact that your were not there in his last hours. Or let this situation eat you up.
IMO time spent at the very end of life is more beneficial to the later bereaved than to the ill person. I have often seen people die v soon after their family left - as if they needed the privacy to let go? I don't know, but I think for your own peace of mind, don't give those few last hours more importance than whatever time you spent with your dad during all of his life.

I think to describe her feelings as 'put out' is incredibly harsh.

I am not sure anyone else sees her actions as selfish or that she didn't want to be 'put out'

My mothers denial was a terrible thingto watch. My sister was moaning in pain yet my mother, a sensible loving woman' kept talking about how my sister must be getting some rest as he was snoring.
She maintained this extraordinary position for hours, talking about how peaceful my sister seemed as she strained and moaned in pain.

I suspect your grandmother is struggling with how she unconsciously denied what was happening and now has to live with the guilt.

PacificDogwood

I wonder about the privacy thing. My father was attended by one of us almost every moment of the last weeks of his life. With five of us at the hospice, in the car park and more en route, he still died in the 10 minutes he was left alone.
I always believed he needed to be alone.

My sister hung on all weekend and died as most of us reluctantly had to head back to our homes.

People like medical staff can see the signs as they've got vast experience in these matters.

Yes they can see the signs but it's not a precise science. My mum's GP told me on the Friday evening that she was end of life and that she could live another few days or another week or more. She died the following lunchtime.

I'm very sorry for your loss and the pain that you are still feeling two years after your father's death but I really think that you would be better putting the time into counselling to help you get past this.

quadro- there is no point going over the what ifs etc. My mum died a few years ago, she was hospitalised a few weeks previously while I was on holiday (visiting my grandma, her mother) and my grandma wanted us all to fly back that instant, my mum and I talked her out of this. I flew back a week later and week after that my mum died. I hope that my grandma doesn't feel the same way about me because at one point, after I got home, it was obvious my mum was very ill but not so ill I thought she'd die.
Don't let it eat you up, I've been through a lot of emotions regarding my mothers death. I hated her for dying, when I was so young. For not being there when I needed her. Then it turned to upset because she never saw DS, which is where I am now.

we had a similar situation when my FIL died. My MIL and DH where well aware that he was likely to go that night if not by morning, my MIL called her daughter but told her it would be fine to come in the morning. (she lives down south). I asked MIL why and she said she thought that her daughter would not 'cope'. The eldest son was told, although he want not remotely coping and literally drove up to Scotland on 'business' to avoid it all.

He died that night in his wife and my DH's arms. SIL was devastated that she hadnt been able to say goodbye. I will never let on that I knew and if I am honest I think my MIL just didnt have the strength to deal with a whole bunch of family around (I am ignoring the fact that she did tell eldest son). The point I am not really getting to is that people react very differently to death, those you think will be strong are not, those you think understand what you are going through do not, and you will end up relying on those you least expect. Dont judge what she did, she felt it was right at the time and you cant go back.
Regarding being there my DH is haunted by seeing his dad pass away, though he wouldn't have refused.

Firstly, sorry for your loss. You have had plenty of advice to seek help with your own grief (and anger) and I think this is the best way to proceed for your own peace of mind.

That if she admitted that she was too cowardly/selfish to stay- and it is selfish, really, not to be with someone on their last day because you're put out by it in some way- it would destroy her

Use of "put out" is dreadful here. You come across as incredibly callous, to be honest. However, I don't for one single minute think you are incredibly callous - you have lost your Dad and were robbed of an opportunity to be with him in his last moments. Grief and anger are making you say stuff that doesn't really reflect how you are as a person, perhaps act in a strange way. Is it not possible to see how the same emotions might have driven your grandmother to act bizarrely?

It's not necessarily cowardly or selfish, it can be fear and horror and helplessness and heartbreaking pain. If you can see that her realising she should have stayed (if that is taken to be the "correct" thing) would destroy her, what outcome are you looking for here? Do you want her to destroy herself? Would that match your grief? Are you angry that she has a "way out" and you don't?

Also my BIL's mum fell seriously ill whilst my Sister and BIL where on holiday in the states, she had been battling cancer for 2 years and was coming to the end but her husband (not BIL dad) made the decision not to call them back. In the end she held on until they returned and he drove them straight to the hospital from the airport, could have been very different though.

quadro my dad lost his father at a similar age to you. He spent years blaming his mother. My My grandad had a massive heart attack and my Nan called the GP rather than an ambulance and gave a a vague and panicked description of his symptoms.

By the time the GP arrived and called the ambulance, he'd died.

Whilst my nan was an utterly selfish parent and damaged all her her children's lives, I don't think that can be laid at her door.

Because this all happened before I was born, I can see why my nan would panic and act in an irrational way and why in his grief and pain my dad blamed her. It ate away at him for for years and probably still does.

I would echo calls to seek bereavement counselling.