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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why so many working mums are asked if they do ft or pt?

48 replies

superstarheartbreaker · 09/01/2014 02:38

I mean...does it matter either way? I never got asked before dc. Your damned if you do and dont anyway!

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 09/01/2014 02:43

I got it all the time, I still get it now when people find out I am job searching.

If PT, you are lazy and have given up on your career. If FT, then you are sacrificing your children to your job! You're right, you can't win. And it is only women that make this judgement ime, men seem more concerned with whether your OH has to iron his own shirts

Bogeyface · 09/01/2014 02:44

And for the record, H has washed and ironed his own shirts from day one, me getting a job would not change anything!

Annakin31 · 09/01/2014 02:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum · 09/01/2014 02:52

Bogeyface I've just made the same observation as you about other women being the ones to judge the choices of other women. I've never had my role as a SAHM undermined by hubby (who is the only one who actually matters) or any of our male friends, family and acquaintances.

The only vial vitriol I've ever experienced has been from women who claim to be feminists and yet undermine any other woman who dares to want to make difference choices to them

ipswichwitch · 09/01/2014 02:52

It doesn't help when you tell people you work ft and they get all judgemental about how they couldn't possibly do that and miss out on their DC's childhood, etc. many of us don't have a choice, be it for financial reasons or in my case also the fact that work will not allow me to go pt ("needs of the service" and all that bollocks) - yes they have to consider it but doesn't mean they agree to such requests.

So it's either I suck it up or lose the job I spent my 20's training and qualifying for and actually enjoy. It's not always so easy a decision to work pt/ft, and sometimes the matter is out of our hands anyway.

Bogeyface · 09/01/2014 03:15

It's not always so easy a decision to work pt/ft, and sometimes the matter is out of our hands anyway.

Yeah but why let the facts stand in the way of a good hoiky judgey pants session? I had this when I went back after DD1. She was 4 months. BOY was I judged! I had no choice, money out didnt equal money in, it was a simple as that. But no, according the judgers, in my own family, I was abandoning her. They contributed to me major PND that led to me quitting my job and spending 18 months on benefits, which they also slagged off!

plentyofsoap · 09/01/2014 03:22

I work in a job which is seen as a mainly male role. You are made to feel like rubbish for working p/t and I have actually had to challenge a female co worker when she was making negative comments about it.
Thankfully where I am now I have two job share female managers who are great, but they get critised by others for being p/t.
I just go now and think of the money, I went passed the point of caring years ago. Not good though to say its 2014.

wobblyweebles · 09/01/2014 03:37

Because so many women in the UK do work pt after having children.

I don't get asked but then most women here work ft so they assume I do too.

Filimou · 09/01/2014 07:08

I work ft, and always get "wow that must be so hard for you ".
To a degree, but being homeless would be harder. Also I have worked/studied hard to get where I am and ((whispers)) I enjoy it

noisytoys · 09/01/2014 07:14

I'm a single mum who works full time, with a DD with ASD, who also volunteers. I get 'how do you fit it all in?' All the time. I wouldn't even think to ask someone who didn't do all that what they do all day but I am always on the receiving end of the judgements.

Tailtwister · 09/01/2014 07:18

A lot of jobs won't let you go full-time now. I can only work part-time because I've spent so long in the industry and earned my stripes, but if I was new I wouldn't be allowed.

I hate the head on the side faux sympathy you get from some people if you say you work, especially full-time. I have to say it's nearly always from SAHM's or their husbands. They love to say how 'tough' it must be for my children to have such long days etc etc. I had a relative say to me over Christmas (he's an actuary and his wife has never worked) that my brother and his wife (who both work full-time) are using their daughter as a 'status symbol to trot out over the weekends'.

merrymouse · 09/01/2014 07:19

I think the point is that it isn't generally asked of working dads.

Similarly celebrity dads never juggle their family. (Which is odd because it is more common for dads than mums to throw their children around in generic lifestyle pictures).

merrymouse · 09/01/2014 07:22

(I mean toss in the air in a playful way, not in a throw about kind of way.)

RevoltingPeasant · 09/01/2014 07:26

Filmou I am going to remember that one - being homeless would be harder. Thanks

Filimou · 09/01/2014 07:55

No worries revolting.
Might come back to this thread later.....Im off to work now

Dahlen · 09/01/2014 08:06

I think it's because so many women (most) don't work full time in the years between having children and them being at school full time. I think it's a bit of a fallacy on the part of other people to equate it to choice about the work/home balance though. I think it has far more to do with money and access to childcare.

Whenever I meet someone who works full time, my first thought is to wonder how much their childcare bill is. 4 out of 5 working mothers (interesting how this in itself reinforces the notion it's a woman's responsibility to sort out) rely primarily on childcare provided by family or friends (usually mother's mother) rather than professional childcare.

redskyatnight · 09/01/2014 08:33

I wonder this as well. I wonder how many people ask men?

flipchart · 09/01/2014 10:22

I guess they guessed as a conversation starter or to be interested in someone. I think it is a good way of starting a conversation with someone you don't know very well. A lot of women in the UK do go part time and most dads don't so it's hardly a way out question!

BlingBang · 09/01/2014 10:23

Try telling folk you don't work and your kids are all in school. Feel like an endangered species.

maillotjaune · 09/01/2014 10:33

A lot of it is insecurity isn't it? I know I'm lucky to have a job I like, and to have got to a point where I could work part time (wouldn't have been easy earlier on in career) and I don't care whether other people work. I imagine being a ft sahp is harder than my life but that's because I wouldn't want to do it. I don't judge full timers or sahp but lots of people obviously do.

at child being weekend status symbol!

wobblyweebles · 09/01/2014 12:39

My childcare costs when I worked full time were about 1/6 of my salary or 1/10 of dh's salary.

Belchica · 09/01/2014 13:39

So true OP. I have been asked this constantly since returning after mat leave a few months back. I was never asked this before.

I have endured countless raised eyebrows, pitying head tilts, unsolicited 'advice' on how to work out a PT solution and even the suggestion that DP 'should be taking better care of you' (an actual serious quote from a bloke we know whose wife is a SAHM). I even had one friend ask me recently when I was going PT as 'you've proved yourself now'. So bloody insulting.

ipswichwitch · 09/01/2014 19:42

Exactly bogeyface - you can't win whatever you do, which I have learned is especially true once you've had kids! People do love a good smug judgey session don't they
bastards

akachan · 09/01/2014 19:46

It does annoy me that people assume women will go pt (and never the dad!) because that assumption damages women's careers.

Goes along with childcare always worked out as a percentage of the woman's salary - it's a shared expense (or should be)!

newyearhere · 09/01/2014 20:23

Maybe people are asking because they're wondering if you'd be free to meet for a coffee during the week, or to start a conversation about how you spend your time on weekdays if you're not at work. It doesn't have to be taken as a judgement of any kind.

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