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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dp's wx has withdrawn contact AGAIN wibu?

38 replies

NachoAddict · 08/01/2014 15:31

Dp is out of work, has been since end of Nov. This means that I am covering all of the expenses including his car finance, insurance, fuel etc and all expenses related to dsd including her hobbies, which we also take her to, her Christmas gifts and feeding and clothing her. However I can't afford to cover the maintenance to his ex nor do I think I should. We have dsd a lot anyway she went back Saturday night after 11 days with us.

While he is not working dp is covering the morning childcare to save money on breakfast club and he is picking us up from school to save bus/taxi fares or walking in the cold. I don't drive.

Dps ex has decided that since he is nit in work dp should collect their dd from school and deliver her home to her mum. So not extra contact, literally just a taxi service. On Monday when she asked, thinking it was a one off he asked his mum to collect her then he picked her up from his mums and dropped her home.

Yesterday he explained he couldn't pick her up from school but he would go and pick her up from ex straight after for her hobby. Usually ex drops her off with me after school so I can take her to the hobby which I pay for. Needless to say she wasn't allowed to come.

today she text me saying tell dp that he is picking dd up from school since he is not working.

I replied saying sorry but dp is picking me up so he wont be available.

She then demanded that if he wouldn't pick her up he needs to pay the maintenance.

I replied again saying that he is not working so has no income to pay maintenance and we don't get working tax credits so he doesn't have to pay with those either.

She said well he doesn't have to see her then either does he.

WIBU to insist dp pick us up from school? We are already cutting it fine financially with one wage so putting petrol in for dp to collect dsd and us still getting a bus/taxi is not an option. Dps ex drives and doesn't work. Her partner works full time on a good wage and she is claiming as a single parent so they cant be that skint surely?

Before he lost his job he paid all the time and never reduced the rate due to living with my children or due to the amount of time we had her which legally he would be entitled to do so its not like he has shirked his responsibilities.

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 08/01/2014 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HavantGuard · 08/01/2014 15:42

Is he not getting income based JSA?

needaholidaynow · 08/01/2014 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HavantGuard · 08/01/2014 15:44

Sorry, I mean contribution based JSA

Original poster
NachoAddict · 08/01/2014 15:51

We do get ctc childcare element but on the csa website it says only half of any working tax credits are counted as income.

Not yet Havant as we were hoping he would be back in work before the end of the notice period for the childminder and didn't want to mess with our tax credits claim. He has made an appointment at the job centre now though. I know he will have to pay something out of any jsa he receives but nit sure how much considering the level of contact we have and three other children in the house.

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 08/01/2014 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 08/01/2014 16:02

Sorry I didn't understand your last post needaholiday

Who chooses to leave them out? As far as I know csa base their calculations on income of dp and half of any working tax credits we receive as a couple. It doesn't mention child tax credits.

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 08/01/2014 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChildrenDoHaveRights · 08/01/2014 16:13

Even someone on JSA has to pay something like £5 per week in child maintenance. He has to give her something for the child.

GlitzAndGiggles · 08/01/2014 16:19

Its £5 a week csa on jsa

Original poster
NachoAddict · 08/01/2014 16:19

Children She doesn't want £5per week she wants the full amount that he paid previously.

Dp will of course pay whatever they say he should pay at his job centre appointment.

We have just had dsd for 11 days, she spends at least every weekend fri after school - sunday bedtime and one after school - bedtime with us also.

OP posts:
GlitzAndGiggles · 08/01/2014 16:19

Oops sorry it's already been posted

SaucyJack · 08/01/2014 16:21

Her partner works full time on a good wage and she is claiming as a single parent so they cant be that skint surely?

Her income has no relevance whatsoever to your partner's responsibility to meet his half of the costs of feeding and clothing her. Sorry.

When you say you have her a "lot"- how much is that? Is your household still making a major contribution to her upbringing?

Generally speaking, I don't think it's any more OK for a NRP not to pay maintenance than it would be for a RP not to buy food or clothing.

She doesn't sound like a "PITA" or a "monster" either.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 08/01/2014 16:23

I have just put into the CSA calculator, one child spending 104+ nights with dp and him receiving JSA and it actually says no maintenance to be paid. However I expect dp will give her at least the £5 a week when his claim starts.

so now that is cleared up WIBU to insist dp picks up us rather than collect dsd?

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 08/01/2014 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 08/01/2014 16:27

SaucyJack as i have previously posted we have dsd from after school (her mum usually drops her with me while dp is at work) until bedtime one day a week. And every weekend Fri - Sunday. During which time we do feed and clothe her.

When dp gets his jsa claim going he will pay the £5 a week even though the csa calculation says he is not required to. He has always paid for his child until he found himself with no income at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
NachoAddict · 08/01/2014 16:29

So all those who are getting hung up on the maintenance of the child which dp is not legally required to pay, do you all think it is ok for his ex to just stop contact because he has lost his job and couldn't pick up dsd from school to convenience her.

If I was being unreasonable to insist dp stuck to his arrangement with me to pick us up I will happily apologise to the ex but no one has actually answered that.

OP posts:
BuffyxSummers · 08/01/2014 16:34

Ignoring maintenance stuff, if he doesn't usually collect dsd than yanbu. If he usually does, yabu.

SaucyJack · 08/01/2014 16:36

YANBU then in your circs, seeing as you have her 35/40 (?) % of the time.

It's not as if your DP is not taking responsibility.

SuperStrength · 08/01/2014 16:36

SIBU.
The CSA logic doesn't stack up when both parents spend near to 50/50 time with the child. The NRP vs RP status is meaningless in such situations. Also, the logic that the cost of a child can be calculated as a % of income is entirely arbitrary when looked at from a societal pespective. It's a system which puports to accept that children can be supported on as little as £5 pw to many 100s of ££s....how does that make sense?

Any mother who threatens to withdraw contact between her child & the childs father in such circumstances at the very least lacks empathy & is demonstrating that she is happy to effectively punish her own child due to her frustration with the situation, rather than deal with it herself...a severe lack of emotinal intelligence IMO...or monster if you prefer.

Is she wants to withdraw contact, there's nothing you can do about it so don't enter into the debate.

elliebellys · 08/01/2014 16:39

Regarding the maintenance legally your dp doesnt have to pay anything.but ex is not so unreasonable to ask your dp to pick up from school for his contsct evening.very petty tho.

nickymanchester · 08/01/2014 16:41

Even someone on JSA has to pay something like £5 per week in child maintenance. He has to give her something for the child

This is incorrect. If a person on benefits has shared care of their child - at least 52 nights per year ie one night per week - then there is no requirement to pay any maintenance.

If the person on benefits has the child for less than 52 nights per year then they must pay a flat rate of £7 per week

Original poster
NachoAddict · 08/01/2014 16:43

He doesn't usually pick her up. On Fridays he would pick her up from his mums where his ex goes straight from school. Most of the time he has been out of work has been holidays and he has done all the pick ups and drop offs but at times that fit in with collecting me from work.

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Original poster
NachoAddict · 08/01/2014 16:46

Elliebellies it is not a contact evening. She wanted dp to drive to dsd school, pick her off, drive straight to her mums house, drop her off and then come home again.

If it was extra contact we could have asked his mum as a favour but she was saying that he should picker her up and drop her off each day to make up for not working and therefore not paying maintenance.

OP posts:
nickymanchester · 08/01/2014 16:46

nacho - sorry, didn't realise that you had already posted about the not paying maintenance thing already