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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding "after party"

51 replies

bridalBOM · 08/01/2014 12:35

Bet this has been asked 100 times but can't find answers!

We're getting married in a couple of months. 80 friends and family to ceremony then drinks and buffet at a nearby bar/ restaurant which will be open to the public that night but that we are occupying the bar area of. Fairly casual.

To put it plainly, there are about 25 people whom I would like to party with afterwards but whom we just couldn't justify the cost of paying for food etc. for on top of the 80 that we have ivited to the whole day.

I’m struggling with how to manage this? Do I just mention it to the additional guests and keep it casual like “we’re having a drink afterwards, be great to see you there” or is it acceptable to send a formal invite when I’m not actually offering to pay for anything for them? (apart from the cake, of which there will be enough for all) That feels a bit rude.

Or, is the whole thing unacceptable and I should either have people to the whole thing or not at all?

OP posts:
zipzap · 08/01/2014 12:42

I did - sent them evening invites. It's fairly common, and shouldn't upset people!

QueenofallIsee · 08/01/2014 12:42

Congrats on your wedding! Sorry but I think you are either at the wedding and all that entails or you are not (picturing a bouncing protecting your vol au vonts from the 25 half guests!)

Can you not have a night out with them post wedding or something? It would be super hard to say 'please come to the place where my reception is on the understanding that you are not actually a guest'

I know you are trying to be nice & its lovely that you want to share your day with people but I think it would be something that may well go down badly

fluffyraggies · 08/01/2014 12:42

I would send a proper invite to everyone you would like to see on the day.

Day and evening invites (perhaps a bit flashier stationary) for the wedding plus drinks people, and evening invites to the evening only people.

Most folk understand about costs and numbers. Many actually breath a sigh of relief to find they're evening only WinkGrin

Pigsmummy · 08/01/2014 12:43

You can actually get invites (either from high street or tailor made from stationers) that say "after party" or "evening invite". Could that not work?

If I had a verbal invite I would probably not feel invited tbh and wouldn't come, you could add wording about having a drink to celebrate with you so people wouldn't think that they are getting fed?

fluffyraggies · 08/01/2014 12:46

I would put on the 'evening only' invites something like:

Love to invite you to casual get together for drinks at X bar, to celebrate wedding of ... to .... on , beginning at X time and to finish at X time (midnight or whatever). Don't mention food and no one will expect any.

CMOTDibbler · 08/01/2014 12:46

As evening invites are v common in the UK, I think that its fine to say to people 'we are getting married on xth, and if you'd like to join us to celebrate from blah o'clock in the bar at restaurant, that would be wonderful.'

Not a formal invite, and I wouldn't invite anyone who wasn't local, but people who would turn out for drinks with you normally sort of thing

softlysoftly · 08/01/2014 12:47

I think the OPs problem is that "Evening Invites" usually still entail a buffet at the least, I would be surprised to attend an evening and get literally nothing but a pub.

How well do you know these people? Can't you just be honest and say that you are "having a drink" after the wedding and would love for them to join you. Make it really really informal.

jacks365 · 08/01/2014 12:48

Don't do an evening invitation as that implies food etc will be provided which you are not doing just send a note explaining that you will be there if they fancy popping in.

WilsonFrickett · 08/01/2014 12:48

Oh, I had that totally wrong, I though you wanted 25 out of the 80 to stay out and everyone else to go home Blush

It is perfectly acceptable to send 'evening only' invites to people.

Be clear on your timings: nothing worse as an evening guest than wandering into the wedding on time and finding the speeches are still going on and there's no-where to sit. I'd save your cake-cutting till the evening guests arrive too, so they get to share some part of your day.

I think it's fine not to provide drinks or food, others may disagree, but if you're not doing any food let people know. (verbally rather than on the invite)

And I do think it is polite to offer your guests a drink on the way in, either have the venue offer trayed drinks or put a card behind the bar.

WaitMonkey · 08/01/2014 12:50

The problem is, with a formal evening invitation, a buffet or some sort of food is usual. Fine not to, but you should tell people because food would be expected.

LastingLight · 08/01/2014 12:52

Just to clarify, will be the buffet just be for the 80 original guests, or also for the 25 you want to add in the evening?

newyearhere · 08/01/2014 13:01

Sorry but I think you are either at the wedding and all that entails or you are not

I agree. It's not fair to expect people to travel, find something to wear, bring a present, find accommodation etc. if you're not going to invite them to the whole thing.

fluffyraggies · 08/01/2014 13:01

Yes, hang on ...

If the 80 are getting fed at the same venue that the 25 who aren't are being invited to, then you will have to be clear and careful about timings for the 25 evening invites. Verbal or not. Food will need to be eaten and cleared away before the 25 start to arrive.

You cant have people invited to a do with a table of food they're not allowed to touch!

Original poster
bridalBOM · 08/01/2014 13:02

Thanks everyone!! So 80 will have buffet served at 6pm and cleared away, then 25 people for just drinks. There aren't place settings or speeches, it's literally a pub/ bar. (A very classy one mind Smile)

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 08/01/2014 13:04

I'm on the fence about being expected to provide food for a bar drinks invite.

I would be thinking about how far the 25 are traveling, etc. If they're local to the pub it doesn't matter so much. If i was invited to a bar local to me from 8 till midnight for eg. i wouldn't expect to be fed. I don't think.

sparechange · 08/01/2014 13:07

Just send them invitations for the evening reception. I can't remember the last time I went to a wedding that didn't have 2 sets of guests - ceremony + food, and evening reception only.

fluffyraggies · 08/01/2014 13:13

''Sorry but I think you are either at the wedding and all that entails or you are not''

In principal i agree with this - but these days many weddings seem to be compartmentalised (sp?) into 3 or sometimes 4 'events', each with a different guest list! It's more and more the done thing it seems.

We were invited to a wedding recently where we were expected at the church for 10am. Then 50% of the church guests were invited for drinks somewhere at 12, and then some of them (but not all) were invited to a sit down lunch at 2. THEN all the original church guests (us) plus some evening people were meant to turn back up at another venue for the 'disco' at 7! What we were all meant to do between 11am and 7pm in our wedding gear miles from home is anybody's guess! ConfusedGrin

... we didn't go.

Thumbwitch · 08/01/2014 13:19

I think you should send out evening invitations but be very clear on them that it's drinks in the bar; perhaps even start that segment at 8:30 or even 9pm so it's clearer that food is unlikely to be involved. Or you could just get the pub to do some extra sausage rolls and crisps...

SapphireMoon · 08/01/2014 13:20

I think unless a very casual invitation to drinks at the pub, some food will be expected.
Why not just a cheese selection and baguettes or similar?
Also, don't invite people who aren't local unless you are going to give them some nibbles.

WooWooOwl · 08/01/2014 13:23

I've been to evening only wedding parties before, there has always been food even if it's only a small finger buffet. I think it would be a bit wierd to invite them for drinks only.

Were you planning on at least buying them a drink for a toast? And when were you planning on cutting the cake? Are you doing to do it after the evening only guests are there or before?

If you're doing it after and you're at least going to give them a glass of bubbly it might not be too bad, but any less than that seems a bit off.

Inertia · 08/01/2014 13:29

So just to clarify- there are 25 people who you can't justify inviting to the wedding, but you would like them to travel to you, perhaps incur accommodation costs, buy a wedding present, pay for their own drinks at the bar, and they won' t be getting any food either?

At most evening wedding functions some food is provided, and there's usually an expectation that there will be something. Could you not provide a couple of dozen more sausage rolls, sandwiches and bags of crisps? Or get the pub to do chip barms/ bacon barms ?

flashheartscanoe · 08/01/2014 13:33

Just make sure its late enough- one time the day guests were still eating and we all had to wait outside!

If I was invited from 9pm I would eat before I came out.
I've been invited in the evening before by work colleagues etc. Its fine.

BUT - Be careful- My brother was invited to just the evening by someone he thought was a very close friend. He was very upset.

glasgowsteven · 08/01/2014 13:35

I would have another - more informal wedding party at a later date

Just for these "friends"

Original poster
bridalBOM · 08/01/2014 13:35

Thanks everyone!! So 80 will have buffet served at 6pm and cleared away, then 25 people for just drinks. There aren't place settings or speeches, it's literally a pub/ bar. (A very classy one mind Smile)

OP posts:
whoneedssleepanyway · 08/01/2014 13:40

I think at the very least you need to have a glass of something on arrival for the people arriving in the evening. with those timings I would do an evening invite for 8pm when the buffet has been cleared away to avoid embarrassment of evening people turning up while A list are still eating.

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