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Original poster

Wedding "after party"

51 replies

bridalBOM · 08/01/2014 12:35

Bet this has been asked 100 times but can't find answers!

We're getting married in a couple of months. 80 friends and family to ceremony then drinks and buffet at a nearby bar/ restaurant which will be open to the public that night but that we are occupying the bar area of. Fairly casual.

To put it plainly, there are about 25 people whom I would like to party with afterwards but whom we just couldn't justify the cost of paying for food etc. for on top of the 80 that we have ivited to the whole day.

I’m struggling with how to manage this? Do I just mention it to the additional guests and keep it casual like “we’re having a drink afterwards, be great to see you there” or is it acceptable to send a formal invite when I’m not actually offering to pay for anything for them? (apart from the cake, of which there will be enough for all) That feels a bit rude.

Or, is the whole thing unacceptable and I should either have people to the whole thing or not at all?

OP posts:
Original poster
bridalBOM · 08/01/2014 13:40

I think then that I'll see if the bar can do some informal type evening food. The buffet is £20 per head and I can't afford that. Thing is, I'd then have to have 105 versions of the later stuff which would end up expensive even if just bacon baps or such... What a dilemma. inertia the 25 are all walking distance and I would make it clear there are to be no gifts!

OP posts:
Poloholo · 08/01/2014 13:46

IME you can normally stretch buffet food so buffet for 80 may well be plenty for 105. If you make it clear it is a light buffet. I think to invite people to an evening event and provide no food will be unexpected.

jacks365 · 08/01/2014 13:50

You might find it works out cheaper to add the 25 to the day than pay for a second buffet at night. The other option is to not call it an evening do and just informally let them know you are there and they are welcome to call in.

newyearhere · 08/01/2014 13:54

I wouldn't want to go to an evening reception without attending the wedding. If I had to pick just one part of the day it would be the wedding ceremony, to see my friends actually get married.

greenfolder · 08/01/2014 13:57

mmmm. remembers evening invite where speeches still going on in posh golf club who would not even let us buy a drink in the bar cos it was members only......... remembers going to evening do where the buffet was so light, there was nowt left after the first few had helped themselves (was tempted to order dominoes to be delivered- bride was fairly notorious tight wad).

not a prob doing evening invite but i would not send an invite as such- just text, face to face, come at 8 and help me get the party started type thing. might be nice to prop trusted person at bar to buy them a drink as they arrive.

Original poster
bridalBOM · 08/01/2014 14:01

Yes, I hear in lots of European countries they invite every man and his dog to the service, then a small group to the reception.

Thanks for all the advice. I think I'll mention to people that we're there and they can pop by for a drink (that's the kind of vibe we want anyway from everyone) and leave it at that. Most of them would quite possibly go there on a Saturday for a drink anyway so that should be fine. I didn't want them to feel like I didn't really mean it if I didn't actually write an invite but I agree with the majority here I think. It is a bit weird to get a written invite to what is essentially a (over dressed!) pub gathering

OP posts:
Original poster
bridalBOM · 08/01/2014 14:03

I like that idea greenfolder couldn't work out how I could buy these people a drink!

OP posts:
greenfolder · 08/01/2014 14:20

Oh definitely give cash to trusted brother, uncle friend. Position yourself where they can see you greet then point to Bob at bar and say "bob will get you a drink" Bob waves and sorts it out. Too complex to do it any other way.

Onesleeptillwembley · 08/01/2014 14:34

Evening invitations are absolutely fine, to a reception. But this is just sitting in a pub. No food, no band, no disco. I really wouldn't send invitations to just sit in a pub, because you happened to get married that day. Sorry, it's not what you want to hear, but I'd find that really odd and rude.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 08/01/2014 15:16

£1600 on buffet food is eye watering.

I would look around for different venues where you could do your own buffet or do a hog roast

JustAWaterForMePlease · 08/01/2014 15:21

Wilson, I thought that too! "Right everyone, thanks for coming and all, but I only really want to party with this lot. Bye!"

nickymanchester · 08/01/2014 15:28

As long as you let them know upfront exactly what sort of evening it will be then it should be fine.

One thing that you really should not do is to invite one half of a couple to the reception and their partner only to the evening event. Some brides do do that and it can cause no end of hassle.

patienceisvirtuous · 08/01/2014 15:39

Definitely provide them with a drink on arrival...

hiphipreplacement · 08/01/2014 15:49

It would be fine if you were doing a wedding breakfast earlier in the day then having an evening do with buffet.

But, you're basically having the whole thing in the evening anyway.

I would think it beyond rude to be invited two hours after everyone else in order for me not to eat anything.

I would not go.

You're paying £20 a head right, and the pub is making you pay for 80. Just invite the other 25 and pay for a third of them. There will be enough food.

hiphipreplacement · 08/01/2014 15:57

fluffyraggies - was it the same wedding I went to recently?! I didn't realise the deal until we got there , having spent £600 in the process.

meganorks · 08/01/2014 16:01

Just send an evening invite. Only on mumsnet are people offended by this.

ENormaSnob · 08/01/2014 16:13

What hip said.

Onesleeptillwembley · 08/01/2014 16:14

It's not about the evening only invitation, meganorks, personally I can't understand the upset about those, coming from a big family. It's the fact that the OP is wondering whether to invite people to just come and sit in a pub in the evening, no food or drink provided, no entertainment, nothing, just to go to a pub. It's just not what you would formally 'invite' people to.

LittleBabySqueakSqueak · 08/01/2014 16:55

What about evening invites specifying "drinks reception"? A few bowls of crisps and nuts would be nice, but I wouldn't expect food if I'd been invited for drinks. I wouldn't expect a free drink on arrival as an evening guest, either. Our venue didn't suggest that we offered this, and if it was usual I'd expect that they would, as they'd make a tidy profit on it,

whatareyoueventalkingabout · 08/01/2014 18:39

I went to an evening reception where there was a three tier cake made of cheese. I think it was £80. Best evening reception I have ever been to xxx

Joysmum · 08/01/2014 18:52

Tbh, I would only invite people who understand and respect the choices you are needing to make.

If people know you and love you then they'll understand you'd love to splash the cash and are disappointed you can't.

When my dad and step mum got married, they contacted everyone in person that they wanted to invite to the wedding and explained they wanted a sit down meal but couldn't afford it. They said that because of this, they didn't want wedding gifts but were planning to eat in the pub across the road afterwards and would love it if others would join them but that they couldn't afford to pay for anyone else. They'd spoken to the landlady who arranged a choice of 4 meals and was prepared to do a good price for pre-ordered and pre-paid meals. In the end the LL confirmed that there were so many people coming they'd run out of space!

Everybody who could come did. The others said they'd come to the wedding but go home and come back for drinks in the evening.

It was a fabulous day. Everyone had a great time. Nobody though dad and step-mum were being tight fisted or rude. Everybody realised they were just trying to do the best they could and supported them in that.

fluffyraggies · 08/01/2014 19:04

hiphip - it was last summer, near Sandhurst.

mewkins · 08/01/2014 19:04

I woukd say it's best to provide even a small buffet for the evening guests. I went to an evening reception where there was no food (apart from fruit cake) and we walked in (at the invited time) during the tale end of the speeches, everyone already there was slightly sloshed and the evening guests all felt like spare parts. If you have evening guests make sure they feel welcome and make a point of talking to all of them.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 08/01/2014 19:48

As long as you are not expecting people to spend money on a gift, I think it's ok to state an 8pm arrival time.

However, I went to a similar set up with a 2 tier evening arrival time & there was lots of food left over that could have fed the extra 30 people who arrived at 7:30pm.

I would order the buffet for 80 & invite the extra 25 to arrive at 6pm with the other guests because it would be rude not to feed them but expect a gift. Plus if day guests may still be full from the wedding meal so might just pick at the food.

Also, you will have guests declining the invite too so their buffet quota can be used to feed one of the 25 extras ifyswim.

Yawnychops · 08/01/2014 20:18

I don't have an issue with evening only invitations - I had them at my wedding and have been invited to many. In your situation, however, I'd pay for a buffet for 80 and invite the extra 25 - there will be plenty of food. For the evening, perhaps you could do a cheeseboard with plenty of bread, crackers, chutneys, fresh figs and nuts. Perhaps you could offer everyone a glass of port to go with it.

My Cousin did this at his wedding last year and it was amazing.