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AIBU?

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Original poster

To write off ExMil or not?

42 replies

MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 10:45

I posted just after Christmas regarding the fact that ExMil isn't speaking to me.

Apparently it is due to the fact that I didn't give ExH a Christmas Card or gift from DD (he doesn't see her, contribute financially but did get her a Christmas present despite having said a few weeks before he wants nothing to do with her).

My DD has been asking about her Granny and although she is only 2.5 and really doesn't need an explanation I feel bad for her. She obviously wants to see her Gran.

I text after Christmas and got no reply. I really don't want yet another member of her fathers family dropping out of her life.

I was considering sending a message asking if she wants to visit but feel I have already extended the olive branch with no reply... And her intentions have been made quite clear. Should I give it one last shot for DDs sake or leave her to sulk and see if she eventually gets in touch on her own terms?

OP posts:
LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 08/01/2014 10:51

Leave her to sulk, its cruel to punish a child for something so stupid, even though i never get my ex anything from DD, so thats even more stupid.

Shes only 2, she'll be fine, her father and his family dont make the effort for her, you've tried, they dont wanna know, atleast you know you tried.

SinisterSal · 08/01/2014 10:51

Oh that's tough one, I can see why you'd want to keep her in your life for your DD's sake. I see the attraction of the olive branch

The thing is though, if she's this petty and sulky and My Golden Boy Can do No Wrong over a bloody Xmas present she's not going to be much better when we are talking about real issues?

And it's her that's choosing to sulk against a 2 year old, that's pretty unforgiveable.

Perhaps she is doing you a favour now, while DD is so young you will be able to channel her responses. In a couple of years DD will be older, and possibly have suffered more nonsense from this bad minded dafty. It might be harder to have contact cut then.

procrastinatingagain · 08/01/2014 10:51

If you've already extended the olive branch and had no reply, I wouldn't bother tbh. It's exmil's loss, and she sounds horrible really. Do you really want her in dd's life anyway? Leave it up to her to make the effort if she wants to.

Original poster
MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 10:58

It sounds odd but I refuse to discuss what goes on between her Son and I with her now. Through past experience it doesn't end well as he is very good at playing the victim when actually he is the one to have stopped contact (I really am not bothered about this I would rather him as far away from DD and I as possible, his visitation was always supervised).

We only saw her about once a fortnight so she doesn't impact greatly on our lives but I also miss the company a little bit. For what it's worth we did get on well enough (on a superficial basis). I also liked that DD had that tie to the other side of her family.

She has an Auntie and Cousins on that side and we see them when we can all get together but it's not often, maybe twice a year.

I think you are probably right though, if she is doing this now there is nothing to stop her doing it when DD is older and will understand.

OP posts:
SinisterSal · 08/01/2014 11:02

It's probably for the best MeepMeep, sad as it is.

If I were you I'd write all these attempts at contact down in a little notebook or something now, while they are fresh in your mind. That way you will be able to state your position with complete confidence if/when down the line someone accuses you of being a vindictive bitch stopping a loving father and extended family from seeing your DD.

That's because I've a crap memory though, you might not need that.

Original poster
MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 11:12

Thanks Sinister I have actually done this out of habit. My solicitor told me to do it prior to my divorce because ExH was deliberately holding it up, ignoring paperwork, refusing to sign consent forms etc. He though my ex may have tried to get at me by going for something like 50/50 access, thankfully he never (he wouldn't have got it anyway). I started keeping track of all contact and it has stuck with me ever since.

I think I'm also doing it to make it easier to answer any questions DD has when she is older (alot older, like 40 or something haha)

OP posts:
KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 08/01/2014 11:14

Call her.

This is the problem with texts. People can see them and forget to reply, or put it off and then it seems too long. I do this all the time with no malice. I know that there's a back story here, but if you called her and said that DD would love to see her and would she like to visit, she can either say no as she's hacked off with you - her loss, but more likely will say yes when presented with the fact that her DGD wants to see her.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 08/01/2014 11:15

It's bloody hard to sulk at someone when you're talking to them on the phone.

SinisterSal · 08/01/2014 11:18

I agree to an extent Keema but I don't think I'd 'forget' if I were in high dudgeon with someone. You'd be hyper aware of them trying to make contact and response, or lack of it, would be very pointed and deliberate.

Though putting her 'on the spot' as it were, may be illustrative. And would be another tick in the Well I Tried column.

Original poster
MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 11:19

I did actually try to ring her mobile but she didn't pick up. That was before I found out she wasn't talking to me though.

I don't feel comfortable ringing the landline as ExH lives with her and pretty much is the only one to answer the phone if he is in (ExMil and ExFil listen to it ring and then do 1471 to see if they want to speak to whoever phoned)

Try again?

OP posts:
Original poster
MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 11:19

Sorry that should have said, should I try again?

OP posts:
ZillionChocolate · 08/01/2014 11:21

Did your ex get a gift and card for dd to give to you?

Agree it makes sense not to involve his mother in the arguments. Also agree you should ring her and say dd has been asking about granny.

ZillionChocolate · 08/01/2014 11:22

Try her mobile, maybe with your number withheld although perhaps she won't answer. Nothing to lose in leaving a voicemail though.

SinisterSal · 08/01/2014 11:30

I kind of think you've done enough tbh, but if one last shot makes you feel better then do it. You definitely don't owe her all these tries though.

Original poster
MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 11:35

ZillionChocolate Nope, despite everything else this is my main issue. Why should I spend the money I earn on him under the pretence of it being from DD when he 1. doesn't see her 2. doesn't pay a penny towards her and 3. doesn't do it for me.

Thanks SinisterSal I'll definitely think about it, I seem to weaken in my resolve of f**k them until I post on MN then I read what I'm writing and get pissed off at them being so arsey.

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Original poster
MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 12:02

Well I decided to try once more, I rang from my work and she answered and when I said hi it's xxxx how are you, she just said "don't want to speak" and hung up.

Ah well, I'm not going back for more. How petty! She never even asked about DD or how her Christmas was etc. Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 12:42

Oh and just received a text saying... "It's a shame I have to forgo MY relationship with MY son's Daughter because you can't be civil enough to make an effort at Christmas, we will make sure xxxxxxx knows when she is old enough to understand that we didn't have a choice. I can't maintain a relationship with you if it will hurt my son"

WTF?

OP posts:
Goldenhandshake · 08/01/2014 12:42

What a spiteful old witch. You have tried Meep, and it will not ever lie on your conscience, the loss is your ExMIL and ExDh's.

If she ever contacts you again I would be sorely tempted to tell her to get fucked.

Goldenhandshake · 08/01/2014 12:45

Oh I have just seen she replied, cheeky mare!

I would send one response and one only, making it clear that precious son does not pay a penny toward his daughters care, has made it clear he wants no contact, did not bother sending you a card or xmas gift from her, so you are washing your hands of the pair of them because your DD deserves better. Then ask her to refrain from contacting you in future.

Original poster
MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 12:47

tell her to get fucked

I'm tempted to reply to her message with that Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 12:48

I think I will wait till I calm down before composing a message. It would not make pretty reading if I wrote one right now I don't think.

OP posts:
Mitchell2 · 08/01/2014 12:54

Why should I spend the money I earn on him under the pretence of it being from DD when he 1. doesn't see her 2. doesn't pay a penny towards her and 3. doesn't do it for me.

Well that sums it up really - you don't owe him anything.

She sounds immature and obviously thinks that her son cannot do anything wrong. And with her hanging up on you like that it just goes to show how immature she is.

you are probably better off to just walk away and then if she grows up in the future try again. At this point if you gave her any time with your DD I'm sure that somehow she'd make everything your fault and make sure DD is aware of her thoughts and this really isn't what you DD needs.

MimiSunshine · 08/01/2014 13:31

I'd reply with something along the lines of:
That's a shame, because as you know I tried 3 times to get in touch with you since x date in order for your relationship with DD to continue but you chose not to respond. EXH told me on y date that he no longer wanted anything to do with DD, this and everything else is documented for DD should she want to read it when she's older. Please don't contact me again unless it is to arrange to see DD without any abuse to me.

HowlingTrap · 08/01/2014 13:44

wow, she sounds horrendous

getting a present for ex via your dd? I've never heard of that even for amicably split people.

its just so ridiculous I'm lost for words, what does she have to say about him wanting nothing to do with his own DD? as awful as it sounds I wonder if hr solely got her a present because he thought he's get one Angry Sad

I would reply to her, 'Thats fine, when my DD is old enough she will see all the notes recorded by my solicitor of how Ex does not contribute financially or even the bare minimum of parental contact (his choice) and how he said he wanted nothing to do with his own child , again through choice and how he demanded a christmas present and how when he didn't get one her own grandmother took it out on a 2 year old, it will be a long read I'm sure.'

or maybe not :/

Original poster
MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 14:14

I have written and re-written a message and wonder what you all think before sending:-

"You're right it is a shame that you feel this way, especially since xxxx has been asking for you. I do think you might be unaware of all the facts but I'm not going to try and explain the situation when you have clearly made up your mind and furthermore have gone to the extent of choosing to lose touch with xxxx. If you change your mind about seeing xxxx then the door is always open, it's up to you."

The first version wasn't as nice - I don't really want to go into what her son has chosen through text, if she actually cared what was going on she could have just asked. She can justify her actions how she likes but at the end of the day she is putting a grown man's "feelings" didn't think he had any in front of an innocent little girls.

She know's exactly what he is like and what he has done previously and it doesn't make for pretty reading so I can't understand her one tiny little bit.

Anyway trying not to rant what do you think? Send or just meet her ridiculous message with silence?

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