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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To write off ExMil or not?

42 replies

MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 10:45

I posted just after Christmas regarding the fact that ExMil isn't speaking to me.

Apparently it is due to the fact that I didn't give ExH a Christmas Card or gift from DD (he doesn't see her, contribute financially but did get her a Christmas present despite having said a few weeks before he wants nothing to do with her).

My DD has been asking about her Granny and although she is only 2.5 and really doesn't need an explanation I feel bad for her. She obviously wants to see her Gran.

I text after Christmas and got no reply. I really don't want yet another member of her fathers family dropping out of her life.

I was considering sending a message asking if she wants to visit but feel I have already extended the olive branch with no reply... And her intentions have been made quite clear. Should I give it one last shot for DDs sake or leave her to sulk and see if she eventually gets in touch on her own terms?

OP posts:

Mitchell2 · 08/01/2014 14:15

I personally would ignore at the moment.

Give it a few weeks and then send the email if you still feel that you should.

fuzzywuzzy · 08/01/2014 14:20

MeepMeep I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of a reply.

Anything you write or say will be used against you.

Cut your losses and ignore them.

She clearly wants a reaction don't give it to her.

You've done everything you possibly could and more she sounds utterly unhinged, I'd not want such an emotionally abusive person in my DD's life.

Doha · 08/01/2014 14:22

Good email Meep but hang onto it for a wee while just to be sure you want to send it.

Original poster

MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 14:24

Thanks guys, I might just save it as a draft for now and see how I feel in a few days. Maybe better to not respond at all.

Can't wait to get home from work for a wee cuddle with my beautiful girl. She deserves so much better than them

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HerRoyalNotness · 08/01/2014 14:33

Does she know HER son doesn't pay maintenance for his daughter? If so then ignore her and don't facilitate a relstionship, leave it up to her to run around. If she doesn't know, add that to the text. "I would have liked for DDto be able to give some small token to be father however as he doesn't pay to help support her, I couldn't quite stretch to that myself"

Original poster

MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 14:49

HerRoyalNotness

Yes she know's he doesn't pay maintenance. He didn't work for about 2 years but in the last 6 months has been working full time again.

OP posts:

SinisterSal · 08/01/2014 15:29

Yes, save as a draft for now. But when/if you do send it be sure to emphasise that's it's her choice to forgo a relationship with your little dD.

These personality traits of hers are not going anywhere soon, so this tantrum was bound to happen eventually. At least it's at the age where your DD will have forgotten her in 3 months. Saddest by far for your MIL at the end of the day

It's horrible though, MeepMeep. How anyone, let alone blood, can turn their backs on an innocent toddler is astonishing, it really is.

Original poster

MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 15:50

I agree SinisterSal I rang my Mum (clearly no work is getting done here today) and I think she is even more angry than me. I guess she looks at the relationship her and DD have and can't see why her other Granny would discard her in the way she has. Especially to apparently protect the feelings of an alcoholic waste of space (ExMil's words at one time, although I have said them plenty myself). Cant help but wonder if there is more to it than her son having a hissy fit about a card/gift.

Better off well rid I think.

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LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 08/01/2014 15:55

Its shameful, cruel and downright vile, my ex in laws are still very much a part of my DD's life as much as my are, i've never once refused contact and they do alot with her.

That awful woman obviously loves her pettiness more than her own grandchild.

Your DD will learn the truth, and she will know its just as pathetic excuse as we do.

Doha · 08/01/2014 16:18

If your ex is now working full time would you not consider going to CSA?
The money is not for you but for DD. Her DF should be supporting her wheither or not he wants contact with her. After all DD is not pay per view.
If you are no contact with exMIL they cannot give you a hard time going for what DD is entitled to.

3rdnparty · 08/01/2014 16:33

agree with Doha, think you should go to the CSA and arrange formal support - they sound horrible and you done more than enough to try and arrange contact

Original poster

MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 20:40

ExH had been seeing DD (very sporadically) until around Nov. In the weeks prior to him cutting contact I had suggested that now he is working (and had been since July) would he think about contributing something towards her upbringing and that was when it all went downhill, more so than it already was.

The long and short of it is he has openly admitted he doesn't love DD, doesn't want her before and didn't see her for a long time. I instigated contact last June to try and help them build a relationship. As it appears he was only seeing her because if he turned it down his family would have known and I honestly don't think he wanted to lose face. Especially since he has tried painting me as the one withholding contact, this was never the case despite the fact many times I wanted to.

When maintenance was brought up he flew off the handle, said he wasn't paying for a child he wanted nothing to do with etc etc so I did actually contact CMS (new CSA) and they tried contacting him. He has avoided all contact but I got a mouthful of abuse because he is working cash in hand and thinks the "tax man will be on him".

As soon as all the abuse started up again I honestly wished I hadn't but I was angry when I did it. The fact someone can turn their back on their daughter and say the things he has just because he doesn't want to part with a little bit of money to support her really made my blood boil and I decided that if he wouldn't be a part of DDs life he at least owed her a bit of financial support...

I doubt she'll ever see a penny. But realistically she doesn't need it. She has me and I will always try my hardest to make sure she has everything she needs and sometimes the things she wants as a treat.

Sorry for the huge reply, today has pissed me off beyond no end and I really wish I wasn't partaking in Dry Jan and I could murder a glass of wine haha.

OP posts:

maddening · 08/01/2014 20:53

The woman plays games and sulks - be happy to let her go while dd is small and will forget her - if granny likes to play games now it will only get worse and your dd will understand more and be more attached - your ex is a twat - the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree it seems.

Original poster

MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 20:58

maddening

I've never really thought about it like that but actually I think you're right. The more I've thought about it and written some of it out makes it quite apparent they are cut from the same cloth.

OP posts:

CecilyP · 08/01/2014 22:57

Yes, absolutely. I have just had another read of what she wrote to you.

"It's a shame I have to forgo MY relationship with MY son's Daughter because you can't be civil enough to make an effort at Christmas, we will make sure xxxxxxx knows when she is old enough to understand that we didn't have a choice. I can't maintain a relationship with you if it will hurt my son"

If she thought it would have been nice for you to have bought a card and present from your daughter to your ex (personally I think it would have been ridiculous) then, fair enough, she feels disappointed. It is not reasonable of her to choose not to see her DGD in order to punish you for not doing what she would have liked. And not having done it, what exactly are you supposed to do? Of course she has a choice, but she would rather choose to punish you for this supposed slight, than choose to see her own grandchild. You have twice tried to extend the olive branch and it has been thrown back in your face. I would not contact her again.

SinisterSal · 08/01/2014 23:14

I don't blame you for the rage.

the more you post the more I think you should keep your precious DD away from that poisonous family. Fuck 'em. Your DD already has a lovely gran in your mum, she has you.

Thank God they are not only poisonous but thick, and are unwittingly doing the best thing for your girl at pretty much the perfect time.

Document all this contact, as you are doing, and fuck 'em. They're not normal.

Sorry for you to be dealing with all this, but I'm delighted for you daughter tbh!

Original poster

MeepMeepVrooooom · 09/01/2014 17:29

Thanks everyone I decided not to send the message however she turned up at my door today with a couple of toys that were in her house from last time we were there.

It was not an nice exchange (from her part) and I am extremely proud of myself for keeping my cool even though I have had several fantasies about ways to bump her off since I closed the door

She has officially made her bed so she may lie in it. I appreciate all your replies.

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