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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is my mum?

41 replies

CiderBomb · 08/01/2014 10:12

My mum is getting to the stage now where she struggles to stand for long periods (due to very bad arthritis) this makes doing housework very difficult. She especially struggles with ironing, she still has my brother at home and along with her and my dad it really piles up. Neither of them really help around the house, but that's partly her own fault because she's always done everything for them.

I've mentioned on here before how anal she is about ironing. She irons everything, including underwear, socks, bed sheets, pillow and quilt covers and pyjamas. Things I just don't see the point in ironing. I've tried to point out to her that she's making more work for herself, but I just get my head bitten off.

Recently she's been moaning a lot about all the ironing she has to do last night I offered to help her with it. However I was told that I don't have standards, that she doesn't like the way I iron (I've done it for her before), and that if I do her ironing I will have to do it her way, which basically means spending ages on a every bit of clothing until there's not a single crease left and also do the underwear and sheets etc.

AIBU to think she's been highly rude and ungrateful? I do have standards, I just don't see the point in ironing things that you can't see and making extra work for yourself? Surely she'd be grateful of the help offered? I would be!

Should I just I ignore her whinges and just let her get on with in future? I do genuinely want to help, but she's just thrown my offer back in my face!

OP posts:

fluffyraggies · 08/01/2014 10:15

You can get high stools for sitting on at an ironing board. Perhaps look into that?

It doesn't sound like you are going to be able to change either your mum, nor the dynamics in that house OP!

SkinnybitchWannabe · 08/01/2014 10:17

Yanbu.
I very rarely iron but my mum irons everything!
I would never offer to do hers because I'm so crap at it
Could you let her know that there are ironing businesses that would do it all for her?

ZillionChocolate · 08/01/2014 10:17

She's made her bed, she can lie in it (ironed to her standards). I think she was a bit ungrateful but if she's so fussy she will do it again, then your help isn't actually helpful.

Maybe buy her a stool so she can sit to iron.

JeanSeberg · 08/01/2014 10:18

Agree with fluffy, you won't change her attitude now but you could buy her some aids that will make the task easier for her.

You could also take your brother on one side and tell him to start pulling his weight. I'm sure he wouldn't be allowed to help with the ironing either but you could make damn sure he's doing everything else round the house.

pudcat · 08/01/2014 10:19

Your Mum could lower the ironing board and then sit on a chair to iron. As I get older and achier I iron less and less.

statisticsthicko · 08/01/2014 10:19

I can sort of see why your mum reacted the way she did (although she shouldn't have said you have no standards). It sounds like her ironing is a source of pride and she historically likes to do a good job of it (this concept is totally alien to me as I iron the bare minimum ) and her not being able to do it to her own standards due to her debilitating condition must be very frustrating for her. It's also probably making her wonder what else she will start to struggle to do in the future and causing her to worry. Rather than offering to take over her ironing it might be a good idea to think of things that will help her continue to do it as long as possible. Do you think she would entertain the thought of using a perching stool so that she can sit down to iron? Also suggest to her that she doesn't do it all in one huge ironing session, maybe breaks it down into a few 15-20 mins( or whatever time is manageable) sessions instead?

I think she's lashed out at you in frustration which is hurtful bit try not to take it personally.

littlewhitebag · 08/01/2014 10:19

I think that you have tried to be helpful and had it thrown back in your face. All you can do is to step away. If she continues to whinge you could tell her clearly that you have offered to help but she doesn't like how you iron plus you have told her to stop ironing things which don't need ironed but she has ignored you. She has made a rod for her own back and there is little you can do. I don't even think trying to encourage dad and brother to help will be of any use and she likely won't like how they do things.

You could maybe suggest to brother that he removes his clothes and bedding etc before it makes the ironing pile and either do it himself or not bother?

IamGluezilla · 08/01/2014 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 10:25

You've offered I think that was a kind thing to do. Could you suggest an ironing service if her funds will stretch to it?

MerryMarigold · 08/01/2014 10:31

Agree with statistics' (very insightful) post about your Mum's reaction. The reactionary part of me would say, "Well let her do it herself, then, and never offer again." But the kinder side of me would realise that she was mouthing off in frustration. I would leave it a bit and then ask if she thinks a stool would be helpful or whatever other aids you can come up. Maybe also (depending on your relationship, but you can try) have a chat about how she is feeling about life, the arthritis etc.

She will soon realise what she really CAN'T do and will have to give in to it, but in the meantime, if this makes her happy then let her do it - and try to help by helping her do it IYSWIM.

DIYapprentice · 08/01/2014 10:32

Oh an ironing service would NEVER meet her standards I'm afraid!!!

Looking at easier ways to do the ironing is a good idea.

Perhaps an ironing press rather than/in addition to an iron? It would be much easier to do socks and jocks in that I daresay.

Also an iron which isn't too heavy, but steams well.

DIYapprentice · 08/01/2014 10:33

Oh and YANBU - she's created her own nicely ironed bed, she can sleep in it now.

Original poster

CiderBomb · 08/01/2014 10:33

I've suggested a chair before, but she says she can't iron sitting down. I've also suggested that the men of the house pull their weight and was met with the response that men can't iron! Strange, because I know of several families where the man of the house does all of the ironing himself....

I think she's just old fashioned. My Nanna is a lovely woman, but she waited on my dad hand and foot and as a result he's always expected my mum to do the same. I doubt she'll change him now.

I guess an ironing service is probably the answer then.

OP posts:

SquinkiesRule · 08/01/2014 10:38

She sounds like she has a reason that every solution isn't going to work so really I'd leave her to it.
When she complains don't mince words, she's being very stubborn about it and isn't doing herself any favours.

statisticsthicko · 08/01/2014 10:41

Cider this is a perching stool. Not the same as a normal chair, she can adjust the height and remove the back and arms if she wanted. It means that she will literally perch at more or less the same height as she would iron at.

I expect the men in her house really can't iron as she's always done it for them It's probably that she's sees it as her 'role' to take care of your dad and brother and no, that probably won't change now.

JeanSeberg · 08/01/2014 10:42

Your brother does his own washing and ironing yes?

fluffyraggies · 08/01/2014 10:45

OP all you can do is be there when she asks for help really. While she's feisty enough to refuse all suggestions and struggle on, and while there's other adults in the house with her, then i don;t think she'll come to any major harm.

My mum is a bugger for moaning about stuff like 'having to do all the hoovering all the time'. But she lives alone in a big house with rooms which are clean, neat and modern, and the doors to the unused rooms are kept closed. It really really doesn't ALL need hoovering more than once every couple of months. If i suggest not hoovering it all every time, or getting someone else in to do it she tells me she oh noooooo, she enjoys it and it gives her something to do ...

... then moans about it the following week again

NearTheWindmill · 08/01/2014 10:47

If ironing's to be done then I agree with your mum it needs to be done properly and that means no remaining creases. I can see her point to a degree - she's in pain and fears she's losing control of things that are important to her. Can't you compromise so you do the things that are essential leaving the non essentials to her.

The other side of the coin, in my opinion, is that if your father and brother don't want to help then they need to start paying someone else to come in and do it for them/your mum. Presumably you have your own domestic challenges to deal with.

statisticsthicko · 08/01/2014 10:52

It's really difficult to understand why some things are important and meaningful to other people, especially if a. they're not to you and b. the person also moans about them! I think Fluffy has illustrated that perfectly! Even boring household type tasks can be linked to someone's self esteem and sense of worth. Not mine though, I would gladly pay someone to hose down my entire hideous house!

Original poster

CiderBomb · 08/01/2014 11:34

No, my brother doesn't do his own laundry, despite being almost 30....

I always did my own from a young age, but he never had to.

OP posts:

peggyundercrackers · 08/01/2014 12:03

i can see your mums point really - she obviously has different standards to yours - shes not unreasonable because she wants her clothes ironed to her standards - i agree completely with her if your going to iron something then take all the creases out - if it still has creases its not been done properly.

my grandad always told me if your going to do a job then do it right and if your not going to do it right then its not worth doing!

Starballbunny · 08/01/2014 12:16

Statistics sums up my DM perfectly, she's never delegated anything household in her life and finds not being able to stand to cook, iron etc. massively frustrating.

She is too polite to moan out loud, but I'm certain, DSIS and DDad's efforts at household tasks annoy her.

Mine would get moaned at, my house keeping is far too casual, fortunately I'm not near enough to get involved.

Original poster

CiderBomb · 08/01/2014 12:58

The way I see it is that it gets creases anyway when you wear it to whats the point in ironing something until it's very stuff and flat? Shirts I understand, but underwear and pillow cases?

I do not know anyone else who irons boxer shorts and knickers. Apparently she likes to so this because they "don't feel right" if you don't iron them? I can't say I've ever felt any differently for wearing crumpled knickers!

OP posts:

Pigsmummy · 08/01/2014 13:43

My ex MIl ironed everything too, things do look nicer ironed when going into drawers, such as boxers but I don't see the point. My SIL irons babies sleepsuits and bodysuits? No idea why, I haven't ironed since November.

You are not going to change your Mum, however keep offering iron the essentials for her. How about an offer "shall I iron Dad's shirts for you Mum?" then ignore pillow cases and pants etc.

Also could you have a quiet word with your Bro? Surely he could iron some of his own stuff, or at the very least take his jocks out of the ironing pile?

MyNameIsKenAdams · 08/01/2014 13:46

No way would I be doing the ironing, when I dodnt even do.my own and there are two other capable adults in the house!

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