AIBU or is my mum?

[CiderBomb]

My mum is getting to the stage now where she struggles to stand for long periods (due to very bad arthritis) this makes doing housework very difficult. She especially struggles with ironing, she still has my brother at home and along with her and my dad it really piles up. Neither of them really help around the house, but that's partly her own fault because she's always done everything for them.

I've mentioned on here before how anal she is about ironing. She irons everything, including underwear, socks, bed sheets, pillow and quilt covers and pyjamas. Things I just don't see the point in ironing. I've tried to point out to her that she's making more work for herself, but I just get my head bitten off.

Recently she's been moaning a lot about all the ironing she has to do last night I offered to help her with it. However I was told that I don't have standards, that she doesn't like the way I iron (I've done it for her before), and that if I do her ironing I will have to do it her way, which basically means spending ages on a every bit of clothing until there's not a single crease left and also do the underwear and sheets etc.

AIBU to think she's been highly rude and ungrateful? I do have standards, I just don't see the point in ironing things that you can't see and making extra work for yourself? Surely she'd be grateful of the help offered? I would be!

Should I just I ignore her whinges and just let her get on with in future? I do genuinely want to help, but she's just thrown my offer back in my face!

Suggest she pays for an ironing service, and increases the rent your DB pays to cover it (I bet he's not paying market rent for that room, let alone being looked after!). If he doesn't like it, he can move out and do his own...

Similarly she could have a cleaner...

tbh, I'd tell her to either accept help, stop doing it or stop moaning about it.

I don't know why, but some people get more and more rigid about these things as they get older, while they simultaneously lose all perspective on the work their demands are creating for others. (My grandmother insists that she is bought shopping from 3 different supermarkets, rather than from one, because 'she likes the bread' or 'the butter is cheaper' etc. etc. etc. despite the effort this creates for my parents).

I honestly think the only thing you can do is to keep pointing out whenever she moans that the offer to help stands, but that she will have to put up with your own style of ironing. That way, you're being supportive but you're not getting involved in some silly routine.

I'd get your brother told to get it done because he is now making your mother ill and he still lives there. If I did do it, it would be your mothers items only and the other two can spin on it.

Sorry I get so annoyed about this type of thing! My own mil on the other hand is truly appalled because her brother does his own ironing and her sil sends her ironing out to get done

I haven't told her DH often does his and the girls (he's terrified of mines in case he burns something).

Well she's allowed me to take one basket to do for her. But she still has about three large piles that she's allowed to build up over the past few weeks. The problem is my mum and dad will wear things once, even for only an hour or so, and then toss them into the laundry basket.Thus creating more work. The only thing I wear once before washing again is underwear. Everything else is worn several times until it's actually dirty.

I've also tried to point out that if she folded things correctly after taking them from the tumble dryer then she wouldn't need to do as much ironing.

Good luck with the ironing OP, pressure's on!

I think the ironing everything thing including pants, tea towels etc is a generational thing. We were talking about it at work the other day and nearly all our mums iron like this.

Why don't you and your brother go halves on an ironing service for things like sheets and shirts (or let your useless brother pay for it all) and then your mum can get busy with ironing the knickers etc

But men CAN iron. My DH irons very, very obsessively well taking forever to get every single crease out. He will spend 5 minutes on every item of clothing getting it just right whereas I am slap dash and iron things in a few seconds.

I think he's weird and he thinks I have low standards

As a few posters have said, people are as immutable as the tides. Your DM won't change, particularly at her age. Ironing must be fulfilling some role for her - self worth, a time filler, a sense that life is still the same as ever, also the ability to moan!

Keep doing what you're doing ie offering. But I would:

a) find something else you can do to save time, that she's perhaps less proud of eg shopping, veg peeling, hoovering - could you cook some things for the freezer?

b) make sure she's on the correct meds/treatment for her arthritis

c) guilt trip your DB

Good luck.

I think old people iron everything because it was terribly damp otherwise- if all you had was a n airer in from to the fire I bet nothing was ever properly dry...

Do the other stuff for her- hoovering or something and let her carry on. I bet it's something that her self esteem hangs on- as sort of " well if I can't even iron the bed sheets I'm a totally useless wife/person" feeling :(

I agree with what statistics and others have said - it may be about loss of control as her capacity to do things shifts.

It's terribly hard to become less able and have to ask others to do things, and it takes time for people to be able to let go of having things done just the way they like. It's a huge adjustment for her, so try to understand where it comes from and be patient.

I think your DB needs to man up and help, if not with the ironing then with other things. Caring for aging parents and housework are not just "womens work".

My mum irons pants and socks. And towels. I iron next to nothing.

I would suggest an ironing company to help but she might be unhappy with their standards too which would be embarrassing.
I'm early 30's and sit down to iron with the board lowered. Has no one else realised how brilliant it is? I love it! Suggest it to her!

She sounds like my mum; she doesn't want solutions just wants a chance fora good oldmoan and some sympathy about how hard her life is. After that shes fine even though nothing has changed.

I would not do the ironing because you are then perpetuating the notion that this is women's work and the women of the family take care of it. I know it's not tactful to put it like this, but what will happen when she's not around anymore, or is completely physically unable to do it? Are you then going to take on the ironing for your dad and brother for the rest of their lives? It's time that your brother, at the very least, stepped up. Dos he pay them proper rent etc or is that another thing he doesn't get called on?

I would go and have a chat with your dad and brother, without your mum there (perhaps while she's in another room doing the ironing...) and say to them that this can't go on as it is damaging your mother's health to the point where she won't be able to do anything for them *(that might make them think....) so there are two options. Either they take on a share each, or they pay between them for an ironing service.

If she really won't hear of any of this, then you will need to do the tough love talk, I'm afraid, and say that she is bringing pain on herself if she persists. Could you get a GP on side who would tell her that on account of her arthritis she has to stop doing it? She sounds like the sort of person who would take a doctor's word as gospel, unlike that of her children... (my parents are like this....)

I think ironing everything is a generational thing.everything was ironed to make sure it was dry and didn't go mouldy.
Leave her to it would be my reaction tbh.