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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother ( charmed I'm sure)

27 replies

dingit · 08/01/2014 08:56

Maybe I Abu.

My birthday tomorrow. No biggie. Nothing planned, weekday in boring January, dh at work. ( he is taking me to see the Bodyguard tonight, very excited)

Anyway phoned dm this morning, who says I won't see you tomorrow, I'm going shopping Hmm She lives a five minute walk away.
I feel very hurt that she's not even making the effort to pop in for a cup of tea, or if she really can't be arsed, to ask me round.
I always make an effort for her birthday, ( pop in with cards, pressie, and flowers from the dgc). Then on Sunday do big roast lunch and homemade birthday cake.

Or do I need to grow up and stop being so stupid?

OP posts:
selfdestructivelady · 08/01/2014 09:02

This would upset me.

Onesleeptillwembley · 08/01/2014 09:02

Sorry, think you need to grow up v

aderynlas · 08/01/2014 09:03

Maybe she has something planned and isnt telling you. Enjoy your night out with dh and have a lovely birthday. The things you do to celebrate your dm s day sound great.

Xfirefly · 08/01/2014 09:03

I'd be upset too.

CoffeeTea103 · 08/01/2014 09:05

Yanbu, I would be upset too. Sad when you have to point out what you do for her, given that you are mother and daughter these things should be natural. Do you have a close relationship.

SkinnybitchWannabe · 08/01/2014 09:05

Yanbu. I would be upset as well.
Have a lovely day.

ZillionChocolate · 08/01/2014 09:05

Maybe bother less with her birthday from now on. Perhaps she doesn't think they're important. Make your day enjoyable as best you can. Happy Birthday!

Original poster
dingit · 08/01/2014 09:29

Sadly, no she's deffo going out. I don't think our relationship is very close. I really try to make an effort, but she really doesn't hide the fact that she prefers my sister. I've posted on here before about her arranging days out with my aunt and sister and not asking me. I've sat and cried before, and swore I wouldn't again, but, lo, here I am crying fucking tears again.

Could someone pass me a grip?

OP posts:
wyldchyld · 08/01/2014 13:05

Passes a grip

Dingit... This is probably gonna hurt but you need to move on or you'll be stuck in a toxic circle forever. If she organises days out with DSis and DAunt but ignores you, you shower her in gifts and surprises for her birthday but she can't be arsed to pop round the corner for a cup of tea with a card, no amount of effort on your part is gonna change it. From the sounds of your post, you have a lovely DH and DCs - focus on your own little family. She may suddenly realise how much she's losing out on if you start focusing on your little unit and not trying to please her constantly.

It's hard though. =(

Original poster
dingit · 08/01/2014 13:16

No it's ok, that doesn't hurt, it's good for someone to say that, and it's probably what my wise friend will say when I talk to her later.

OP posts:
EssexGurl · 08/01/2014 14:01

Poor you. Def NBU. My mum lived a 2 hour drive away and always tried to see me on my birthday if she could. She once almost turned down a major op as it was scheduled for my birthday. She agreed to it but asked me if I minded as she would refuse if I did. Of course she had the op. Last year was the first birthday without her. Kids at school, DH with clients in the evening. Very sad all round.

melika · 08/01/2014 14:04

are you sure she hasn't overplayed she won't see you because she has a surprise for you!!

Weeantwee · 08/01/2014 14:08

I'm feeling a bit like this with my mum at the moment. She didn't phone on my birthday, I got a card a week late and she said she had posted a parcel. I was worried that it had got lost in the post so mentioned to her that I hadn't received it and she said the website was out if stock so she would let me know when it was dispatched Hmm thanks for making the effort mum.

I don't think yabu but perhaps we both need to accept that our mums can be a bit rubbish.

Original poster
dingit · 08/01/2014 14:11

Maybe, but surprises aren't really her thing. I will probably get money or vouchers, which is lovely as I've lost weight and want some new summer clothes.

I'm taking the advice up thread, and detaching myself Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
dingit · 08/01/2014 14:13

Weeandtee, that's Hmm I hope your other friends and family made you feel special.

On the plus side, I'm learning not to make the same mistakes with my dd.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 08/01/2014 14:14

Honestly, the only thing you can do is disengage. My own DM asked my DH flat out why she hadn't been invited to my birthday lunch, he luckily had the presence of mind to say nothing instead of the real reason. ('because you haven't bought her so much as a card since she was 18 and the last time you were drunk you told her you didn't love her you stupid old witch.')

It seems that living well really is the best revenge.

I know it hurts, but when you disengage and focus on your own friends and family it hurts a lot less.

The other thing I did was stopped doing what I would consider 'normal' things for her, ie I still buy a card and present for her birthday because I am a decent human being, but I don't rush round there or organise lunches or anything. Fuck. That.

yoshipoppet · 08/01/2014 14:18

Most of my family forget my birthday also, OP. Mine is this week as well. I find it quite hurtful, that it seems they can't be bothered, yet get all snippy if I forget one of their special days.
It's apparently very common for those whose birthdays fall within a few weeks of Christmas.

Original poster
dingit · 08/01/2014 14:26

Happy Birthday Yoshi. Do you share with Kate Middleton ( damn herSmile) like me?

OP posts:
melika · 08/01/2014 14:26

I too have a January birthday and never look forward to the things people buy me, eg, sale items I would never buy, things regifted from Christmas presents and lots of bath stuff. I never have a bath, just showers. It may sound ungrateful but it's the same every year! You are probably better off having nothing from her anyway, it's bound to be a half hearted present you don't want. Withdraw your efforts and make your feelings known when it's her birthday. She will get the message.

I want Champers, flowers and a meal out please!!!

BlackeyedShepherdswatchsheep · 08/01/2014 14:31

melika Thanks hope you get some real ones too.

dingit Cake

BlackeyedShepherdswatchsheep · 08/01/2014 14:32

yoshi opps did i just proove your point? Wine

longingforsomesleep · 08/01/2014 14:39

dingit - does she know how you feel? What did you say when she said she is going shopping? Perhaps it would have been an idea to say something along the lines of, "what do you mean you won't see me - it's my birthday! Can't you spare me a bit of time?!". Maybe if you suck it up all the time and don't let her see you're hurt she mistakes this as indifference?

Davsmum · 08/01/2014 15:00

I agree with longingforsomesleep You need to let her know how you feel. It may be because you live so near each other and can see each other any time, that she may not think its an issue.

Does seem a bit miserable not to be able to pop in before or after her day out though.

buttercrumble · 08/01/2014 15:07

Happy birthday , mine is this month too and I always find people disinterested . I think it's just the time of year, don't let it bother you, but having said that I would be pretty pissed off too. I hope you have a lovely day anyway , pamper yourself and try and have a little bit of me time Thanks Cake

toolonglurking · 08/01/2014 15:21

Its my birthday tomorrow too!

My boyfriend works away Mon-Fri, my Parents and siblings live in different countries.

I'll be on my own, but I'm going to do something nice on my own. Sometimes you are your best company.

It doesn't mean your family love you any less because they are busy Smile but wishing you a big Happy Birthday for tomorrow!

Perhaps if you can, take 30 minutes out of your day to do something just for you - have a bath, read a book, go for a walk etc.