AIBU to not want to leave DD (6mo)

[PuddingAndHotMilk]

DH and I have a weekend away with a large group at the end of the month and DD (6mo) will come with us as I'm ebf and she's a bottle refuser. While I know people it's primarily DHs friends.

We're staying in a small hotel in a small town. DH thinks it's ok to leave her asleep in our room with the monitor on and have dinner. I don't feel comfortable but worry I'm being overly cautious.
He can't see how it's different from having dinner downstairs at home. Maybe I'm being PFB or maybe he's reckless. I just don't know anymore. AIBU to say I'll go to bed when she does?

I agree with MrsSteptoe.

I wouldn't be able to relax so couldn't do it. Keep her up for a bit if appropriate or, as I would most likely do, go upstairs with her and have a long bath while she sleeps.

Not unreasonable or over cautious - sensible I you ask me. Babies ate vulnerable and need adults close by who can get to them quickly if needed

I wouldn't feel comfortable to do it and I'm on my third so not pfb either!! Plus none of mine were the sleep in a pram sort - I still shudder when I think of my best friends wedding with my 6 week old and the endless circuits round the venue praying for sleep!!

Perfect excuse for an early night of you ask me!!

If you don't feel comfortable, then that is a perfectly valid feeling. I would imagine this isn't a cheap weekend away, there's nothing wrong with saying you don't want to do somehting that will ruin it for you. If you can't relax, it will be spoilt.

When DC1 was 6 months we went to a wedding in Ireland in a lovely small hotel. For the actual wedding evening, I'd booked a local nanny/babysitter via the hotel to be in our room, however I hadn't thought about the fact we arrived on the Friday night and the wedding was on the saturday, and I'd want to eat on the first night too! The hotel had a listening service, but that is just like having a baby monitor, we basically called the reception and put the phone on speaker, then they did the same, and would come to get me if he woke up. I felt really uncomfortable in that meal, it was lovely food had just stopped BFing so DH had ordered very nice wine but I couldn't relax, I really regret not either just walking DC1 around in the buggy until asleep then wheeling next to our table or hiring the nanny for 2 nights.

If you can afford it, I'd call the hotel and find out if they have nannies/babysitters they use regularly (most do have a list I've found). If you can then get your DD to sleep yourself and the nanny take over just sitting in your room with her so you can enjoy your evening in peace knowing if she woke up, someone is there who will call reception for you to go to her.

I'd just let dh go and stay at home myself. I wouldn't leave 6 month old in hotel room alone (or child of any age tbh).
They're only tiny for a short amount of time. Next year you'll be able to do a bit more as dc will be able to be babysat for the night.

And, yes, listen to your instincts and do what you feel is right. Don't leave your dc in a situation you don't feel comfortable with even if everybody else thinks it's fine. You don't need to cause a fuss, but don't go along with leaving them if it doesn't feel right to you.

No, I've 3 kids and would never have left them as a baby in a hotel room with just a monitor; purely in case there was a fire.
Of course it's different from eating downstairs at home you're only seconds away if needed not the case in a hotel

Oh and if you haven't hired a babysitter, whenever I've used one via a hotel, I've paid around £8-9 an hour. Say you booked one 8pm - 11pm, that's 3 hours, if you paid £9ph that's only £27. How much is this posh weekend away and meal costing? Would an extra £27 on the bill be ruinous or would it just be enough so that you can join in with everyone and be sociable (8-11pm should give you enough time to join in the meal) and often on these sorts of things, an extra £30 isn't really that much to spend.

I don't think you have to be either "leaving your baby and relaxed mum" or "never going away or being sociable" - but the cost of a babysitter must always be factored into the cost of a weekend away.

(At the wedding I hired a babysitter for DC1, one of hte other mums had left her DC in the room using the listening service because "we couldn't justify the cost of a sitter" - which would be perfectly understandable, if her DH wasn't buying shots for everyone at the bar, and she wsan't wearing a new dress that easily cost £100 - if you don't have family childcare or are going somewhere without family near by, paying for care is a must, not just not having it)

Yanbu. I wouldn't care how I came across to others, I wouldnt leave my baby unattended in a hotel room alone. It's different to being at hone because the only people in your home are you. A hotel is full of strangers anything could happen. Plus other risks like fire. I personally wouldn't.

I think it's pretty weird to suggest that the OP should worry about being seen as odd or 'anti-social' by her husband's friends, or a nuisance for bringing her baby to the table - why on earth should she consider the perception of a bunch of acquaintances over her own feelings about the welfare of her baby?

OP, do what you are comfortable with. If you think your baby will sleep in the dining room in her pushchair or car seat, then try that, even if you only manage to have a starter. If you would be more comfortable in your room get room service, or have your husband bring you up your dinner. If you think the weekend will be miserable, stay at home - your baby is still small. It doesn't mean you will never have a social life again.

I tried the baby monitor thing in a tiny hotel when our son was about ten months. Even though our room was directly over the bar, the signal didn't reach, so we ended up taking it in turns to be downstairs with the group.

YANBU, I wouldn't leave a baby unattended in a room even with a monitor on. Some hotels have lists of local child minders who are CRB checked etc. Would that be an option? Otherwise, I would take her down in her pram. At 6 months she's still fairly portable and won't cause disruption. As a last resort I would simply decline to go.

Yanbu i personally couldnt do it. No even with my older dc.

As others have said - have baby with you in a pram, if baby gets unsettled then everyone will understand why you need to go back to the room.

It is too big a risk leaving such a small baby in a strange place

I think it's pretty weird to suggest that the OP should worry about being seen as odd or 'anti-social' by her husband's friends, or a nuisance for bringing her baby to the table - why on earth should she consider the perception of a bunch of acquaintances over her own feelings about the welfare of her baby?

Because presumably this weekend isn't being held purely to revolve around their new baby.

If it's a long-established group of friends and they have a good child-free piss-up once a year, there's no reason why they should have to now accommodate a baby into the mix.

Also, these are the husband's friends. Why should he spend the weekend having to bring food to his wife of whatever?

I don't think you would actually be allowed by the hotel to leave her unattended if they knew, on fire risk alone.
It is not the same as being at home as there are multiple points of entrance/exit.
If you want a reason to counter your DH's negligent attitude, you need only say the words 'Madeleine McCann'

6 month olds are usually content to be alongside in a restaurant however posh - it's not like she is toddling. There is no need for you to forgo dinner simply take her along and be ready to move if she were to be sceaming a lot but chances are she will be content in buggy/rocker/on your lap.
Enjoy yourself but keep your baby alongside at all times.

I wouldn't do it and I wouldn't give a stuff who thought I was being PFB or anti-social.

Take the baby down with you or ask the hotel to recommend a sitting service. I got a sitter when we went to a wedding in a hotel. She was wonderful, just like Mary Poppins . And it meant I didn't need to worry.

"Because presumably this weekend isn't being held purely to revolve around their new baby."

jeanseberg that in no way responds to the point you quoted in bold. That person wasn't saying anyone should revolve around their baby. Just that the OP shouldn't be swayed by the others' perceptions. I'm sure the others will be having plenty of fun and won't be in the least perturbed by OP being in her own room with her baby. And on what planet would the DH be spending the weekend bringing food to his wife? Bonkers!

See, I have a lot of sympathy with Jean's view. Your DH isn't wrong for wanting you to join in with the full weekend, and the dinner sounds a part of that. You are not wrong with rejecting his solution ot the problem, but that doesn't mean you can't find other solutions that don't involve you missing out.

I'd be weary of the baby at the table thing if you've not done it before with her though, because if she's cranky and doesn't settle in the pram, then you are going to feel the pressure to leave the table anyway to avoid spoiling hte evenings of other diners in the restaurant, and feel the pressure from your DH to stay at the table. (so what you'll actually end up doing is taking it in turns to walk the pram round the gardens in an attempt to get her to sleep)

At least with a sitter you know you have it booked in advance, if your DD doesn't settle in the room, then you can think again about what you do (and still have the pram by the table or you missing out options).

Life doesn't have to stop once you have DCs, and other people don't have to compromise to fit round your child, but the only way you can achieve those is to have childcare. From now on, only book trips away if you can be certain in advance you can have childcare and you include the cost of it in your budget for your trip. If you can't afford the sitter so that you can fully join in with yoru DC safe, then you can't afford the trip.

oh and I've not used sitters the company, but it might be worth checking them out if the hotel don't have a list of CRB checked childminders/nannies/babysitters they can call for you.

I think the sitter is a great idea. Hope you get it resolved to your satisfaction, OP!

I think it would depend on how far away the dining hall is from your room and how well you baby sleeps. If you are 99% sure that once your baby is asleep it would stay asleep, then I would consider it. I've left my baby in their room while having dinner in a hotel. I felt it was fine and any risk was absolutely tiny. I have also had my baby in a car seat underneath the table. But I think this is only OK if the baby is asleep. I don't think it's OK to disrupt other people's expensive dinners in a posh hotel with a screaming baby.

Hi pudding, I wouldn't do this either. My parents actually did this when I was a baby (of walking age) and I was later found roaming the corridors! No one heard a thing. I know your LO is unlikely to escape but it does go to show that quieter happenings won't be heard on a monitor in a restaurant. Just do what you're comfortable with and you'll have a great weekend away

Wow. So many responses. Thank you all!!

I will be on the outside looking in all weekend but I'm looking forward to seeing people too. DH wants to introduce DD to his friends too.
She is a spirited child and so is unlikely to sleep or stay asleep so bringing her to the restaurant isn't an option. I might be able to keep her up til 8:30/9 at a push.
I mentioned Madeline to DH and he scoffed. I will stick to my guns tho. I'm really not comfortable and sounds like you (mostly) all agree

Thanks MN

The sitter idea is genius. I will check with the hotel. I think there's about 20 rooms so not tiny.

Quote OP: 'I mentioned Madeline to DH and he scoffed'

Well I am sure I am not alone in having the extent of my sympathy for poor Maddy's parents blunted somewhat by the fact that I know DH and I would never in a million years have left our own child/ren in a similar situation.

If something did happen, he would soon cease to scoff. Maybe pull the maternal biological attachment card - he just provided the sperm - maybe his bond is not quite as strong as you would like.

Are there a lot of hotel fires? Anyone got statistics?

I don't know about "a lot", squeaky, but I've not stayed in that many hotels in my life (maybe 20?) and we were evacuated before we'd got to breakfast one morning when there was a fire in the kitchen. Of course we were with DS1 so took him with us outside; but if we'd been at breakfast and left him in the room (which I would never have done but for the sake of argument) I don't suppose they'd have let us back up to fetch him, I really don't know!

ukatlast