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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to judge someone by the company they keep

38 replies

CustardLover · 07/01/2014 22:02

Or more specifically by something their fiancé said on FB?

I'm recruiting a nanny at the moment, down to two excellent candidates. I slightly prefer one, DH slightly prefers the other. Did a search for my preferred candidate and went down a Facebook rabbithole that led me to her fiance's page (all totally open) on which he makes quite a few angry statements about various things (immigrants and gay people for instance) totally at odds to my own values. It has made me question my preference for this candidate but AIBU?

OP posts:
AbbeyBartlet · 07/01/2014 22:10

She could be great - I really wouldn't judge her because her fiancé is a tosspot. I know couples that couldn't be more different from each other in views etc.

lisianthus · 07/01/2014 22:15

I don't know- if she's marrying him, she must find his views at least acceptable, even if she doesn't agree with them IYSWIM. I'd be a bit wary, myself.

CoffeeTea103 · 07/01/2014 22:18

Yanbu, she must find her fiancé opinions a bit acceptable as she is marrying him. I wouldn't go with her as you will constantly be worrying about this.

Wuxiapian · 07/01/2014 22:21

YANBU.

I wouldn't want my child/ren possibly being exposed to her views.

TheGirlFromIpanema · 07/01/2014 22:24

I wouldn't dream of hiring a nanny who was so silly as to have an open FB account tbh. If she's that slack, then I wouldn't trust her judgement iyswim? But, yes, for me - the fiancé is enough to put me off.

A nanny role is far, far different to the standards I'd expect from other types of employee.

ukatlast · 07/01/2014 22:24

Why has she been dumb enough to give a future employer access to her Facebook page?
In your shoes because it's your babies involved, it would make me assume she shares the views most likely.

lisianthus · 07/01/2014 22:29

You've got two great nanny candidates. If you have (putting it at its bluntest and potentially overstating it as you haven't said what he said on FB) just discovered that she thinks a homophobic racist is a great guy, I'd go with the other one.

Original poster
CustardLover · 07/01/2014 23:09

Thanks all. So hard to be objective when your thinking about your precious DC so good to get some external perspectives.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 07/01/2014 23:14

I would go with the other candidate.

As someone else has said, she's marrying that racist, homophobic bloke. Even if she doesn't to agree and share his views, she's clearly happy to live with them.

Also, anybody with half a brain knows to have high privacy settings to avoid prospective employers making judgements based on your social life. I'm 25 and my profile has been on high privacy settings since I first got into Facebook at 17. Twitter, well the account in my name, is locked as well. Not because I'm in fact a crazed bigot just because I don't want employers prospective or otherwise being able to spy.

Alas, she never got that memo. Them's the breaks. I think you're justified in selecting the other candidate.

anothernumberone · 07/01/2014 23:16

This is Mumsnet we don't judge but I would personally be skeptical about giving someone such a fundamental role who did not share my values

shoom · 07/01/2014 23:25

Go for the other candidate.

Unless the many job doesn't include her speaking to your children, they will pick up on her values, possibly including her acceptance of racist and homophobic attitudes.

shoom · 07/01/2014 23:26

nanny job.

RandyRudolf · 07/01/2014 23:34

I used FB to pry on potential tenants when I was renting a property. It was a real eye opener. I'm so glad I did.

sykadelic15 · 08/01/2014 03:05

My DH posts questionable stuff on FB sometimes. My sister actually commented to me once about it saying that he should really consider his audience... so he did and unfriended her :P His views aren't necessarily the same as mine but you're right, I did choose to marry someone who is okay with doing or saying those things... which means I'm "okay" with them. if i wasn't, i would ask him to remove them (which he's told me before he would if I asked when i mentioned I really didn't need to see a particularly graphic photo that popped up in my feed. I just "hid" it but told him next time to give me a heads up!).

I might think some mean stuff sometimes (who doesn't) but I try hard not to say them or put them out there to offend someone because usually I'm only thinking it because I'm in a bad mood or just being bratty.

My concern with the girl is not only that her fiance is like that, but that he's open about it, and that most likely that also means his friends are like that.

flyingspaghettimonster · 08/01/2014 04:32

I would go with the other candidate and I would message her back saying you thought she seemed lovely, but you couldn't risk having the children exposed to her finance's views that you saw when doing a social media check on her for security. That way she knows his dickhead views lost her a good job and might rethink it a bit.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 08/01/2014 07:29

People dont tend to marry someone whose views they find repugnant.
racism is not like a tv programme or preferring tea over coffee, you dont go oh well, he is a small minded bigot and I am not, but never mind.
I have never met a member of the anti nazi league married to a member of the bnp.
imo birds of a feather and all that.
so no. I wouldnt hire her.

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 08/01/2014 07:39

YANBU. If she were the only otherwise-reasonable candidate I might still hire her, but given that you have another good candidate to hire then it's sensible to take this into account for all the reasons you and others have given.

struggling100 · 08/01/2014 10:34

Oh gosh, this is a tough one!

On the one hand, she shouldn't be held responsible for her fiance's views, particularly if her own Facebook shows no suggestion that she thinks in the same way. They may differ completely on this. It seems unfair to judge her, particularly as you might find the same problems with the other candidate!

On the other hand, I think you are not being unreasonable to worry about the possibility that she shares those views, and that however professional she was, they might come out in unthinking statements made in front of the children.

Can you ring both candidates and ask them about this directly? Like a second phone interview with questions about their values?

differentnameforthis · 08/01/2014 10:44

Hmmm, a facebook rabbithole..

In other words yo looked her up on fb & then looked him up. At least be honest about it op.

Is he likely to be spending any time with your DC? Because of not, I think it would be wrong to write her off for views she may not even hold.

SinisterSal · 08/01/2014 10:58

OP was honest about it - she didn't cover it up in the slightest.

No I would hire the other one as well.

She doesn't mind people being homophobic and racist
She is daft enough to leave her FB open

Nah, not showing much judgement there.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 08/01/2014 18:39

Mmn, I would be concerned that he had such views and that she has no qualms about his opinions being seen by all and sundry.

If you're not so keen on the other candidate will you be happy with that choice?

HermioneWeasley · 08/01/2014 19:46

Another "no" vote

She's happy to marry a bigot? Like fuck would she play any role in raising my children!

Alisvolatpropiis · 08/01/2014 22:32

I would not tell her Facebook stalking is why you're not employing her. Just say you feel the other candidate is more suited.

Many prospective employers do check Facebook/twitter but none admit to that being the reason someone don't get the job. That would be stupid.

Alisvolatpropiis · 08/01/2014 22:33

*doesn't.

Good lord my typing is going downhill.

WilsonFrickett · 08/01/2014 22:38

I think you need to be very sure that he is her fiancé. If you've followed a trail (which suggests she has reasonable high privacy settings) its easy to make an error.