To Wonder How You Would See/Deal With This...

[RockinAroundTheXmasTreeHippy]

& if I'm right in feeling a bit red flaggish over a few things...

New Girl in DDs yr 6 class, teacher asked another DC to mentor "befriend & show them around school" this DC as asked, showed new girl around - my DD then overheard her friend tell new girl " okay, that's it, I've shown you everything, I'm going off to sit with my friends now, bye" & left new girl wandering around alone - my own DD felt sorry for the NG so having watched her for a few minutes, went over, introduced herself & invited the NG to hang out with her & her very other small group of friends - all good so far.

Turns out NG is previously HE & according to her, first time in school & no previous education at all, differs from what else I've been told in that NG is not behind, just needs intergration into the school system pre high school- my DD is currently struggling in class herself due to health problems & feels she's letting herself down, but as she's above where she needs to be academically, its not always been taken that serious -

NG is now sitting herself with DD in all lessons, DD doesn't mind, but its causing friction with one of her good friends, though DD has told him its unkind & girl is new & she will settle in soon & make plenty of friends, but DD has confided to me that she feels NG doesn't try at all with the others, to the point of being quite rude, thats even though they are trying hard to chat with her, and that she feels NG is trying to "own her", she explains this as every time DD try's to chat or involve the others, NG finds a way to but in & talk about something completely different & exclude all others bar DD red flag no1 1 ?

also with lessons NG is pairing up with DD, but telling DD she doesn't understand, can't write etc etc, leaving DD to do both lots of work, DD was very upset & exhausted yesterday as a result - red flag number 2 ??

DD also tells me NG is sticking to her like glue - DD has time out of class in a chill out room, this is due to health problems - NG pretty much invited herself along, charmed the teacher leading the classroom into letting her stay, so DD didn't get a break at all - DD complained that she felt overwhelmed & needed a break.

Later on DD hurt herself & was sent off to the recovery room - NG again followed her, but DD was a bit upset & a bit shocked that NG then asked, "oh cool, is this why you pretended to hurt yourself, so you could hang out here" red flag 3 ??

A few more similar incidents, but generally DD likes the girl, understands that it must be really hard for her & wants to help her settle into school as she has done with several other NKs over the years, but feels overwhelmed, thinks the girl can do more work than she pretends too & DD just feels exhausted by it all, is struggling even more to concentrate on her own work as a result, but doesn't want to make a fuss as she feels its unkind & hopes NG will back off & find other friends too, though DD also said that she's never had a new kid so clingy & "owning" of her & that she doesn't like that at all.

On top of this, tonight at pick up I had what turned out to be NG DM accost me, very pushy friendly, announced she was NG mum by name, presuming i knew exactly who her DD was - even though its only her second day in school insisting on knowing where we lived, which by her tone felt a little like we passed the test as its not a local council estate though that might be my projecting as I obviously can't be sure that's what meant, but she did come across that way a bit & then announcing her DD is really taken with my DD & that we must get them together out of school very soon - felt a bit full on so soon to my mind - is it ??

DD has had some problems with bullying in the past & also obsessive behaviour towards her from more than one DC in school - something the school picked up on & dealt with, hence why we may be a bit over sensitive to trouble brewing & posting here to get a feel for what's real IYSWIM

Over to you :)

by the way you where talking it sounded liek it had been going on for weeks..months.... NOT 2 DAYS.

i think you are being oversenstive... it was the girls second day.. and essp as she hasnt been into a school setting before.. the poor girl prob just clung on to the first person to show her friendship.

teach your daughter to say.. she needs some space if it gets to much.. but i honestly trhink as time goes on she will find new f riends and wont be so clingy.

Sorry but you need to let it go. Y6 is old enough to let them attempt to sort it out. Let her at least try to resolve it.

A couple weeks down the line, maybe look at it again.

If she's been home ed, she may not know the social boundaries that school educated children will have learnt from the age of four onwards - and the mother may not be aware of how different her behaviour is either. I know most HE families bend over backwards to ensure that aspect of their child's development is covered, but possibly this mother hasn't.

Still, it is just the end of the second day.

Can you ask the class teacher to ensure that New Girl is given lots of opportunities to meet new people - subtext, make sure she isn't sat beside your dd all the time? And insist that everyone respect your dd's privacy re sensory room etc.

Hmmm - just wondering why NG is in new school with only two terms to go before big school? Are there some other issues you don't know about?

It is such early days, but if I was you I would ask to speak privately to the form teacher and say that although you might be being too sensitive and you realise that things might pan out over the next week or two, you are just raising your concerns now as intense 'owning' relationships can often be very stressful if anything makes the 'owner' (ie NG) and the other child (your DD in this instance) fall out. Say you would like teacher to ensure DD gets some of her own space, the chance to play or be with whosoever she chooses and that teacher ensures NG is paired off with others so that NG has a wide variety of friends. I think you are right to be concerned. Play it very carefully though; you don't want to come across as neurotic DM!

As regards the NG's DM I think best if you are vague about committing to anything. Perhaps say that you tend not to do play dates at this time of the year due to tiredness/bad weather/potential illness/DD prone to tiredness in January and that perhaps you can fix something after half term. That just about gets the message across I think!

Good luck - let us know how it goes :)

Poor girl probably doesn't know what hit her. I would tell your dd to be kind and nice, but be firm when she needs time out. Learning to deal with this sort of situation will be very handy for secondary. I would not go barging in.

Sorry had missed bit about home schooling. Wondering why she is in school now?

Just had to re read that to make sure it's really only been two days ?
I'm sure it will settle down, of course the NG is going to cling to your DD - she has been kind and she obviously makes her feel safe in a new environment.
Her DM probably feels the same, a new Mum in the playground ? She's probably just trying to find friends herself. I'm certain with time it will get a little less intense.

If she was HE, how can she have had no previous education at all?

I agree with the PP who said it's been 2 days

Blimey

You need to take it down a notch, you are way too involved in this. Yr 6 is old enough to deal with this on her own.

Cold

It's been two days. Ease off with the 'red flag' nonsense. She's just a child thrust into a new environment and finding their feet. I'd perhaps have a word with dd teacher just to make sure she has a break but other than that, leave be. Perhaps cut the mum some slack too - there may be reasons why they've suddenly had to switch to mainstream schooling and she might be desperately worried that her dd is ok.

It's been two days! You are massively overreacting. What's with this "red flag" shite?!
Calm down,let the poor kid find her feet, and reassess a few weeks down the line.
Sheesh. You are really overthinking this.

Jesus, I thought this had been going on since September by the gravity of your tone! Honestly, OP, you'll probably be looking back on this and thinking you were overreacting by the end of the week. Yes, certainly talk to someone so that your DD (who sounds very nice, incidentally) gets a break in her chillout room periods, and obviously she shouldn't be doing the other child's work for her, but it's far too soon to see it as a major issue.

Bloody hell, talk about an over reaction. I was with you all the way until you said it's been 2 days!

I think you need a cup of tea, and to back away from the glue

The NG is probably like this because your dd is kind enough to be the only one to make any effort with her and she feels accepted by her

I also thought it had been more than 2 days from your OP. Let the poor girl settle in before spotting "red flags"! Hopefully she'll make some new friends soon.

I would ask the teacher to make sure your DD gets her break on her own though as it is for health reasons. Also tell your DD to tell NG to ask the teacher for help if she is struggling.

Thanks everyone, we ARE already doing pretty much as you all say & even DD herself understands how difficult it must be for this NG being new to the school setting & we are encouraging that too.

The red flag "shite" was by way of trying to get across though probably badly as I'm knackered that DD feels that the NG is being manipulative at times & that's making DD anxious & as my DD has some not insignificant health problems, meaning we are under a lot of pressure to keep her in school even when very ill, making us feel that the pressure is really on this next term & that DD is already falling behind herself & she is panicking as a result - so extra stress for her during lesson are something she could really do without

also some recent incidents where DD has been left feeling unsafe & not listened to in school, making her feel less confident speaking up for herself - & she doesn't want "to be mean" to the NG as she understands how hard it must be for her, but she is feeling stressed & overwhelmed by it, so I have coaxed her to politely tell the girl to back off - she's even following DD to the toilet, which really embarrassed DD as she suffers with IBS.

So yes very early days & at this age DD is very good at fighting her own battles in a very mature way BUT because of the health problems & pressure to perform in test after test in school ATM I'm worrying that sitting on it & seeing how it pans out I usually would isn't the best action this time.

NG does seem quite feisty, even rude as I had to take medication up to school for DD - NG followed DD to see me too, which I knew would embarrass DD, so I asked NG if we could have some privacy as I needed to speak to DD - NG looked me straight in the eye, gave me the most defiant glare & stayed put, took 3 goes & my asking if she needed me to get a teacher before she left.

To clarify - The NG HAS been HE & having met her DM I would be very surprised if that meant no education at all & I was told that she was HE & was only in school now to get her used to a school setting as all our local HS are huge, which implies the NG CAN write, read, do math etc, BUT NG is telling DD that she can't & then is hassling DD to do it all for her - though its so far been shared projects, so not so obvious to the teachers. DD also says NG is acting shy, but then suddenly turns & can be very feisty if not a bit nasty when she wants too.

DD isn't the only DC trying to be friendly, lots are trying, but she's the only DC that NG is accepting friendship from though & as I said DD feels she wants her to herself & doesn't understand group friendships.

They are not new to the area & also older DCs, so I doubt the DM is looking for friends as such, more keen to see her DD with a school friend, which I do totally understand, it must be very difficult for her too - I just thought 2 days in was a bit soon

Laughing my head off at the HE transgender though around here that wouldn't be the first DC we've come across & taken in our stride, DD would probably prefer that as she likes hanging out with boys as she struggles with the group dramatics if her girlfriends at this age, so best of both :)

Thanks again

Red flag?seriously?you're overreacting. Let the poor girl find her feet.

Cold, if its any consolation, so did i.

Get a grip woman. If this girl has never been to school she must be totally overwhelmed. I'm sure she'll settle in but if this is going on for weeks then you could speak to the teacher. Have some compassion.

& FTR, yes i may seem to be over reacting, BUT My DD was crying in pain last night & couldn't sleep most of the night as a result, this was directly linked to her writing double the amount she needed too & having the NG hassle her to write faster so they didn't miss any break time - so yes, a little difficult not to over react & as I said, we have had some pretty serious problems in the past that affected DD very badly

Given that your dd is anxious about it due to previous problems I would speak to her teacher and see if that would make her feel stronger about it. Maybe your dd could speak to the teacher about setting boundaries (with you there if necessary).

Also speak to the teacher re your dd's breakout room and make clear that she needs to be on her own in there to get the benefit of it.

I have always found with ds if something is stressing him out at school, taking him to speak to the teacher and getting him to ask them what he should be doing makes teacher aware of potential issues, ds feels confident in what he can do and what back up he will get if things get worse and I know how the school think it should be handled so we are all working together. A 5-10 minute chat can stop the child feeling stressed and the teacher can keep an eye on it.