To Wonder How You Would See/Deal With This...

[RockinAroundTheXmasTreeHippy]

& if I'm right in feeling a bit red flaggish over a few things...

New Girl in DDs yr 6 class, teacher asked another DC to mentor "befriend & show them around school" this DC as asked, showed new girl around - my DD then overheard her friend tell new girl " okay, that's it, I've shown you everything, I'm going off to sit with my friends now, bye" & left new girl wandering around alone - my own DD felt sorry for the NG so having watched her for a few minutes, went over, introduced herself & invited the NG to hang out with her & her very other small group of friends - all good so far.

Turns out NG is previously HE & according to her, first time in school & no previous education at all, differs from what else I've been told in that NG is not behind, just needs intergration into the school system pre high school- my DD is currently struggling in class herself due to health problems & feels she's letting herself down, but as she's above where she needs to be academically, its not always been taken that serious -

NG is now sitting herself with DD in all lessons, DD doesn't mind, but its causing friction with one of her good friends, though DD has told him its unkind & girl is new & she will settle in soon & make plenty of friends, but DD has confided to me that she feels NG doesn't try at all with the others, to the point of being quite rude, thats even though they are trying hard to chat with her, and that she feels NG is trying to "own her", she explains this as every time DD try's to chat or involve the others, NG finds a way to but in & talk about something completely different & exclude all others bar DD red flag no1 1 ?

also with lessons NG is pairing up with DD, but telling DD she doesn't understand, can't write etc etc, leaving DD to do both lots of work, DD was very upset & exhausted yesterday as a result - red flag number 2 ??

DD also tells me NG is sticking to her like glue - DD has time out of class in a chill out room, this is due to health problems - NG pretty much invited herself along, charmed the teacher leading the classroom into letting her stay, so DD didn't get a break at all - DD complained that she felt overwhelmed & needed a break.

Later on DD hurt herself & was sent off to the recovery room - NG again followed her, but DD was a bit upset & a bit shocked that NG then asked, "oh cool, is this why you pretended to hurt yourself, so you could hang out here" red flag 3 ??

A few more similar incidents, but generally DD likes the girl, understands that it must be really hard for her & wants to help her settle into school as she has done with several other NKs over the years, but feels overwhelmed, thinks the girl can do more work than she pretends too & DD just feels exhausted by it all, is struggling even more to concentrate on her own work as a result, but doesn't want to make a fuss as she feels its unkind & hopes NG will back off & find other friends too, though DD also said that she's never had a new kid so clingy & "owning" of her & that she doesn't like that at all.

On top of this, tonight at pick up I had what turned out to be NG DM accost me, very pushy friendly, announced she was NG mum by name, presuming i knew exactly who her DD was - even though its only her second day in school insisting on knowing where we lived, which by her tone felt a little like we passed the test as its not a local council estate though that might be my projecting as I obviously can't be sure that's what meant, but she did come across that way a bit & then announcing her DD is really taken with my DD & that we must get them together out of school very soon - felt a bit full on so soon to my mind - is it ??

DD has had some problems with bullying in the past & also obsessive behaviour towards her from more than one DC in school - something the school picked up on & dealt with, hence why we may be a bit over sensitive to trouble brewing & posting here to get a feel for what's real IYSWIM

Over to you :)

Cold i thought the same till i saw the responses

Thanks Armadillo - that's a good idea & may end up doing that - but for now DD is adamant she wants to see how it goes today, we've chatted lots about boundaries & that her own problems are just as valid as the NG & to say no firmly in more of a jokey manner if she's not comfortable just saying no stop, I'm not doing your work, don't follow me to the toilet, these are my friends too, we all play together etc etc - outright - fingers crossed she copes better today

Just to update as I know we all love an update :)

Thankfully DD dealt with this really well herself, very proud of how she handled it TBH - seems she just needed permission & someone else to say, "actually its not okay if you feel uncomfortable with it, its okay to say so so long as its done kindly"

She told the girl that...

A. She had to do her own writing & if she was struggling to speak with the teachers as that's what they are there for & would help her - this has resulted in the NG being taken out of class & having 1-1 lessons to bring her up to scratch - though turns out DD was right, the NG can do much better than she was telling DD, but was trying it on & getting DD to do her work for her.

B.After a particularly bad day where NG wouldn't let DD speak to any of her other friends - constant rude interruptions & getting very stroppy if DD didn't stop & speak with her immediately & this was starting to have a negative affect on her other friendships too, as they were getting annoyed with DD for giving in & getting sick of NGs rudeness, so not good all round.

DD took the NG to one side & said something along the lines of "look, you have to understand I have other friends too & you need to be friendly to them too, because they are nice people & important to me & you cant expect my attention ALL of the time, we will fall out if you keep doing that. - NG apparently replied, " but I'm new & I've been homeschooled so don't know about how school works & I don't want lots if friends, just you, you have to play with me & be my friend - DD says she counter acted this with - "Actually, I don't HAVE to do anything, I do it because I want to. How would you feel if you had a good friend & someone new came along & wouldn't let that friend speak to you any more - wouldn't it make you cross & not like that new person ? - you risk having no friends here at all, when you could instead have lots of new friends including me" -

this resulted in the NG screaming names, abuse & swearing at DD that she was out if order & storming off - she did however come back & apologise to DD later, DD said she accepted her apology, but wanted to play on her own with another friend she had been neglecting that play time -

NG was stroppy again, but went off & played with another girl - sadly she seems to be now doing the same owning, controlling behaviour there too, but other girl is the DD of a staff member, so at least it will be taken care of & the N.G will get help to integrate better. That said DD has played with her again since & they are getting on better & she's stopped being so rude to DDs other friends & DD says she now really likes her & they do have a lot in common :)

For those missing the point of this - DD has health problems & this was causing her physical pain & affecting her just as much as if the NG was kicking her or something, hence why leaving it for weeks wasn't really an option, though without the health problems - you were of course right

Glad your dd stood up for herself and in such a mature way. You must be proud.

She sounds like she will go far!

Your dd handled it really well, good for her.

NG, by the sounds of it, is struggling to adjust. Completely understandable as she's not just a new girl at school, she's totally new to the concept of school. All the little things other children pick up from age 4 onwards, she will have missed. I hope the teachers are keeping an eye on her. It must be so difficult for her.