To want my sister to move our of the parental home?

[struggling100]

Sorry, this is long! I have too many very personal emotions about this to know if I am thinking straight.

My sister is in her mid 30s and has always lived at home, apart from a one-year period when she moved out to go to college, and then moved back almost immediately.

She has a well paid job and has been with the same guy (who is lovely) for over a decade. He also works. Their income together must be around £80,000 a year, so enough to buy a house even in an expensive place. Yet they both live at home.

The official reason she refuses to move out is because she is 'anxious'. I believe this - it is a family trait that I share. But she is completely functional to work and do everything else that she wants to do. I know this sounds awful, but I think the real motivation for her to be there is simply greed and convenience. My parents allow her to live there on a very small rent. She has consequently been able to save a massive deposit for her first home, which will allow her to skip several rungs of the housing ladder and move straight into a property that most ordinary people would have to save into their 50s to afford.

My parents do a great deal of things for her: washing, ironing, they make her breakfast and they cook for her. It is like she is living a lifestyle with two servants to take care of her. The house is chock-full of stuff, and is increasingly untidy, despite my Mum liking things neat. My parents have repeatedly said that they are fed up with the situation, and I am concerned about their wellbeing. I want them to be able to enjoy their retirement in their own space. I also worry about her, because I don't think it can be good for someone in the long term to be dependent on others. What would happen to her if (god forbid) something happened to my parents?

But I am also very aware that I have personal feelings about this that may be clouding my judgement. My sister is so obviously the favourite, and I receive nothing but criticism from my parents. Partly this is because my sister shores up her position by constantly briefing against me, twisting everything that I say to the most negative meaning, and lying about me when she can't do this. There is nothing I can do to stop this or to correct the falsehoods, because they are never openly stated. She is much more clever at that sort of thing than me.

Meanwhile, I have roughed for years it in horrible flats, sometimes without any heating or anything to eat. I have had to be really resilient to get through some horrible situations alone. I have also experienced anxiety for years, yet I don't get anything like the same support! A while back, I went through a divorce from a man whose behaviour was erratic at first, becoming violent later. Earning much less than my sister, I couldn't afford to pay my half of the mortgage on the house I owned with him while it was up for sale and live elsewhere. So I slept in my car for weeks until I met my DH who let me move in with him straight away. Most people would have been able to move in with parents for a while - I couldn't, because she was already there, her anxiety trumping every urgency of my own situation. In fact, my family responded by accusing me of having an affair (so untrue and so hurtful), and by offering my ex support. My sister even told him my plans and whereabouts, even though I had said that I didn't want him to be given this information and feared for my safety if it were handed over.

Anyway, I recently received a text from my sister asking me not to mention her housing situation because she found it upsetting when I did. I am afraid that under the influence of PMS I replied in a rather bad-tempered way. I said that I cared very much about her, but that I thought I had a right to mention it since it affected others as well as her. I went on to say that I genuinely didn't think that living at home was the best thing either for her or for my parents in the longer term, and that 10 years of shutting up on the subject hadn't achieved any change. She called me a drama queen, said I was lying about our parents' feelings, and told me that I was being unsupportive of her feelings and that I needed to back off. I replied that I thought she was old enough to see the moral side of the situation and to be able to stand on her own two feet rather than exploiting our parents. She asked who made me the sherriff!! I suppose I was a bit pompous.

BTW, I will probably be excommunicated from my family for some time for taking it this far.

They do sound mean and unsupportive. And it does sound very one-sided.

I don't think it's a question of being reasonable. Fuck that. You have every right to feel miffed/rejected/second best.

You don't need to make apologies or excuses about that to anyone - least of all on here!

Listen to Humphrey's wise words above!

I don't blame you for feeling jealous. From what you've told us, there's a lot in this situation which is very unfair. Have your parents always favoured your sister?

Is it that you have always had to cope, and so they think you['re a coper, and are happy that way?

Sibling rivalry is instinctive and can go very deep. As an adult it can be difficult dealing with such primal feelings, which can make you feel worse.

But OTOH, would you REALLY want to be in your sister's situation? Look at what you achieve every day, as an independent, resilient person. THat's an achievement to be proud of.

Yabu , mind your own business.

Being the favourite is not generally a good thing, though the scapegoat child often thinks it is. Someone I know who is also the scapegoat told me he had a lightbulb moment sitting in the pub once when one of his parents acquaintances nodded at his parents and sibling doing their happy trio act and said "You're well out of that one, mate". And he was.

So are you. Your parents and sister are locked together in what doesn't sound an especially healthy situation, please don't rush to join them. You really don't want a seat at that table. She'll probably never move out, and the three of them will bicker more and more and enmesh themselves deeper and deeper.

Best you stay out of it

You are happy with your DH now, so focus on that instead of jealousy

You wouldn't be human if you didn't really mind the difference in the way you've been treated to the way your sister's been treated. But you can't singlehandedly change the family dynamic. I too think counselling is the way forward - try to reach a point where you can come to terms with the hurt so that it no longer bothers you so much. YANBU to mind, and to be hurt, but you need to think about the best way of ensuring your happiness in the future, and you can't rely on your family to help you in that.

Your sister moving out won't stop your parents favouring her, won't stop them being mean and unsupportive to you and won't stop her lying about you or being mean to you.

I agree with everyone else saying leave them to it. It doesn't sound like they bring anything to your life, just add to the burden.

What does your DH think about them? Does he have a view?

I'm really sorry to hear about your job and fertility problems. I can totally see how sitting at home feeling upset about your situation is heightening your feelings if anger for your sister and parents.

Thing is the only person this is really hurting is yourself. It doesn't matter what you say, your sister is still going to carry on being a selfish free loader and your parents are going to continue to offer you no emotional or financial support.

If I were in your shoes I would concentrate on getting the job situation resolved so your time is filled again and you feel calmer about money. The fertility situation, are you sure it's definitely bad news? Any chance of other alternatives such as IVF?

I think you sound very strong btw xx

OP it sounds like you've taken quite a few hits recently, and it's bound to make you feel stressed and resentful. I agree that taking a step back and just focusing on yourself for a bit and allowing your parents to deal with her will most likely decrease your stress and give you some time to come to grips with the loss of your job and your medical problems. If your parents don't want her there, then they need to... um, be the parent... and tell her to leave. It's THEIR responsibility. They shouldn't be putting that on you.

I can see why it would annoy you Struggling but I say just leave them to it.

It may seem that she has more help but really your sister has never learned to be independent, your parents have allowed to her to live as a perpetual adolescent...in the long run that doesnt help her to develop as a person, quite the opposite in fact!

Who will she rely on when they are no longer there, what if they want to sell their home and move to some kind of retirement accommodation?

I would be embarrassed if I still lived with my parents at 30 and in your shoes I'd make sure that I wasnt the next person in line to be manipulated by her anxiety problems

YABU in some ways and YANBU in others.

While I can understand you have issues with your parents, and feel very hurt by their actions (or lack thereof) when you've needed their help- and very jealous that they are supporting your sister, but not you- I would say where she live/financial and housing arrangements is not really any of your business.

I have been the one in your sisters shoes- sort of. My daughter and I moved back into my parents after ExH and I split up. We were there longer than expected, for lots of reasons, but we were all happy with the arrangement- mum had help caring for dad, I had help with DD after school/holidays when I was at work and they got some extra income.

My brother was very jealous. He also believes I am the favourite and get preferential treatment- but he has narcissistic personality disorder, so that's not unexpected. He kept asking me when we'd be leaving mum and dads, as it wasn't fair on them/he hadn't think it was fair/thought I was just using them to save money and so on.

I told him to butt out- by all means speak to our parents about whether they are happy, but I would not discuss my financial/home arrangements with him as they were absolutely none of his business. Mum and dad told him they were happy as we were. He kept on about it though- eventually we had a big row about it, and mum also lost the rag with him over it.

IMHO, YANBU to be upset about your relationship with your parents and their lack of support. I can understand why you feel it's unfair, and I agree that she probably should stand on her own two feet if she can (not having met her I don't know if she can but won't, or it's just your opinion that she can and you are wrong).

YABU to believe you have a right to say in any financial/housing arrangements between your sister and your parents, unless they specifically involve you- for instance by asking you to speak to your sister, as they don't feel able to. You don't- their home, their money and it's none of your business what they do with either, as long as they have all their faculties and are doing it of their own free will.

We have a similar disfunctional symbiotic relationship in my DH's family except SIL in lovely. The situation has been destructive for her, unlike your dsis she has no partner, and virtually no social life. DH has spoken to her once or twice but he doesn't really see what more he can do so he backed off.

You do sound very jealous and I dont blame you. But uts obviously not making you happy and to a certain extent its not your business. I would build a bit of distance fir a while. At least you can look at your home and know you have truly earnt it

I feel awful now... just realising how jealous I am.

Financially my sister will probably benefit from this to the tune of 150,000-200,000 quid. But that hurts a lot less than the emotional side of it.

Next time your parents start complaining to you about your sister living with them, tell them that if they're not willing to do anything to address the situation then you don't want to hear them whining and moaning about it. The sooner you stop indulging them in this the better.

I agree, your parents are just as much in the wrong.
I feel sorry for you, it can't be easy knowing or thinking your sister is the favourite.
Sometimes though things ain't what they seem and who knows what will happen in the future.
It may seem unfair atm but God bless the child who has their own.
Two song titles in my post.

struggling want to give you cyber hug hope job situation improves soon and that your new bloke sounds lovely who knows what future will hold.

They dont sound very supportive.

I have 2things to add.

im early 30,s sis 5years younger.

The favouretism of younger sis was always obvious.

i was always one to get told off.
I was one who did hardy any clubs/activities
i always worked part time detrimental to education.
paid something when living at home.

sis did better academically
mam alowed her drive her car said i eer could so never bothere doing test at 17 still learning where as mam paid lessons,brought sis car, piano, paid rent on her own flat at uni, funded her gap year round chille. sis has aroom at home I never have. was i bitter hell yes

Was very toxic moved away at 19 and never moved back.
50miles and diffrent countries help.

as a result im not really close to my mum.
mums bit more skint these days but remarried well so comfortable but cant shower sis with as much money as used to but sis moved on to wealthy men to support her on 2nd degree and always lands on her feet.

My mums sister says mums secretly proud of me being independent moving away and do good job with kids.

was point about age 22 that things came to ahead huge row where really could have gone either way but in the most part i let it go focusses on my now husband , have 3lovely kids and as times gone on family seems less important occasionaly I think about it but try not to makes me angry after all I am human and in some ways feel let down.

My dads yougest sister 1/5 never moved out home.

Initially grandparents rented council.
aunt brought right to buy
in all time i know her never known her have partenr of either gender.
unsure how many freinds she has.
shes normal lovely person no health/mental difficulties always worked spend lot of tme with her brother.
grabddad dies, nan has dementia needs lot care taking it in turns.
lives rural village not so nice area of village in not so nice house old people decor, watching siblings marry, have kids, grandkids.
when visit just feel sad for her .Part of me when nan dies want her go travel world or sokmething as shes put her life on hold.

may seem great now with sis but will she feel so fab in 10-20years time.
will they do each others head in so much their relationship suffer.

also ay decent relationship wouldent be living apart for so long they would want to live together progress with their life as acouple and if this been a while maybe their reationship not as good as you think or not even close to your new relationship.

I feel sadddened they put ur safety and well being at risk with ex.

a break sounds just what you need.

who knows what future holds travel, lovely marriage maybe kids

what i have learnt is sometimes anxiety and caution can stop people taking risks and sometimes taking a risk can lead to amazing opportunities you never imagined and lifes mistakes can be lesson well learned and make you better stronger person than your sister who eventually in time come down to earth.

Struggling

YANBU. I think you have had a hard time from a few on this. I honestly don't think you sound jealous, although you have admitted you are a little bit and so bloody what. We've all had a little experience with the green eyed monster from time to time.

I think your Sister sounds toxic and maybe you could try cutting contact for a bit, certainly until your emotionally feeling a bit stronger. Your relationship with your parents doesn't sound ideal either but maybe you could try and meet up with them away from the home (and your sister) and hopefully it will improve slightly.

Hugs x

I think that calling you jealous is harsh. It is a word that has nasty connotations. I think ynbu to feel unfairly treated by your family.

You need to leave your parents and sister to sort out their own lives. They are all capable of looking after themselves and none of them deserve your help.

Take care of yourself. Do what makes you happy.

Thanks PrimroseLodge. I need to find a way of not feeling hurt by all this. I don't really know how to do that. I don't know if this makes sense, but I feel like I don't have the right walls up. I am getting on with my own life, and I am very lucky to have a wonderful and supportive DH, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't think their behaviour shaped me. I think I could maybe start by not contacting them for a bit, and by seeing a counsellor??

Some parents love to moan about washing and so on but wouldn't have it any other way! It makes them feel wanted and useful...they dont have to do it

I think some distance would help, everything gets smaller when it's further away.

This is so much easier for me to say than for you to do but try to accept that this is the way things are.

You can't change them or the past.

Look forward to a lovely life with your DH, you can write your own story from this point forward.