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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want hubby to get rid of facebook?

59 replies

wetwetwetfan · 07/01/2014 11:44

I have had a facebook account myself so i know how addicitive it is and how it sucks hours and hours away from your life without you even realising it.

i don't mind it in principle, my family all live far away so it can be useful, and he has groups linked to his hobbies to arrange meetings and matches and stuff but...

260 'friends' the majority of which are people he has had no actual contact with in years (about 20 years in some cases).
Yes i know he worked with them once upon a time but so what? Why does he now need to know where they've been on holiday or what a cute cat they've got!??!!

And don't get me started on ex girlfriends... i haven't clapped eyes on any one of my ex boyfriends and have no interest in their lives at all so why does he need to see what a lovely time his exes are having at the zoo with their kids and husbands? It's just weird and although it has always grated on me a little bit it now pisses me off big time. The more i think about it the more it irritates me...

or am i just being controlling? Should i be able to say who he has contact with and who he doesn't?

OP posts:
livinginawinterwonderland · 07/01/2014 12:11

Very controlling.

It's obvious that the ex's are what's winding you up, but why? Don't you trust him? DP has ex's on his Facebook and so do I, but it doesn't affect either of us. Why should it matter? I trust him and we love each other so him being "friends" on a networking site with someone he actually hasn't seen in over five years really isn't an issue for me.

redexpat · 07/01/2014 12:27

Is the problem that he is spending too much time on it, or is the problem that you don't like facebook?

PresidentServalan · 07/01/2014 12:31

Glad you have thought it through. It is one of those situations that, if the situation was reversed, people would be telling you to LTB!

PresidentServalan · 07/01/2014 12:36

And I love FB too - it can be great fun.

I have nearly 1900 'friends' most of whom I have never met in real life but we are all 'cat people', and I wouldn't be keen to stop doing it because someone else had an issue with FB.
I just find it a fun way of spending time, sharing support, funny stories and sweet pictures.

saintlyjimjams · 07/01/2014 12:38

YABU - the thing I like most about facebook is that through it I have rekindled friendships with some people that I haven't seen for 20 odd years. In some cases we meet up quite a lot now.

Kaluki · 07/01/2014 12:42

YABU
Leave the poor man alone!!!
I have lots of 'friends' on FB I havent met (some from MN) and a couple of ex boyfriends and friends I haven't seen for donkeys years. If DP started questioning who I was friends with on there I'd tell him to piss off.

IneedAsockamnesty · 07/01/2014 12:44

Yabu.

He is an adult and should be treated like one

DoJo · 07/01/2014 13:32

You found it addictive and you spent hours on it - most people use it as an online tool like any other and get what they want out of it without having any problems. If your husband is one of them, then leave him to it!

LividofLondon · 07/01/2014 13:38

wetwetwetfan, is the time he's spending on FB interfering with your relationship? If not, then although I agree to a point, I'd just leave him to it. Or how about he gives up FB if you give up MN? Wink

TheCraicDealer · 07/01/2014 13:46

What is your actual problem with it though? You've made statements about it being full of "bollocks", but so what? Heat magazine is full of bollocks, doesn't stop me buying it to read on the loo.

The only other point you've made against it is the fact that he's "friends" with his exes. I've got ex-boyfriends on mine, I don't think about it beyond, "oooh, wonder what he's doing with himself". We didn't end badly; if anything if I wanted them back I'd delete them so as to stop being reminded of the fact they're not with me!

You're being VU. And controlling.

loveolives · 07/01/2014 13:49

YANBU to be pissed off that he has ex girlfriends on there - I don't think many women honestly would like that

YABU to want him to get rid of it totally, especially when you have it yourself

MeepMeepVrooooom · 07/01/2014 13:52

I think you are being controlling and paranoid to be honest.

Nobody should ever tell their husband/wife who they can and can't talk with or have on FB. If you had a reason such as inappropriate messages etc then I could sympathise but you actually just sound quite jealous.

Flossyfloof · 07/01/2014 13:52

You should have no say in whether or not he uses Facebook. I wouldn't like it, though so I do understand. Since I set up an account I really feel differently about people - they post such awful embarrassing rubbish on there. I still look, though. I only went on it in case I needed lived for Candy Crush.
I wouldn't be happy about him having exes on there - why?? Unless he is one of those rare people who stay friends. I hate all my exes.

Timetoask · 07/01/2014 13:56

I don't have FB and really despise the thing. But I am waiting for the day DH bans ME from mums net! I am seriously addicted. HEEEEEELP

NoFavours · 07/01/2014 14:33

oveolives YANBU to be pissed off that he has ex girlfriends on there - I don't think many women honestly would like that

Those women need to grow up.

Original poster
wetwetwetfan · 07/01/2014 14:59

I wish i could trust him 100% I wish i wasn't paranoid but he cheated on me a few months ago....nothing to do with facebook though but with a female 'friend'.

He also has used it for innapropriate messages in the past about 7 months ago... although he was deleting them as he was chatting to her ( a different female 'friend') i happened to stand behind him as her reply popped up on the screen saying "well, no wonder she's jealous when you say things like that!"

I have forgiven the affair as we were having major marriage problems at that time. I was not happy about the messages at the time and told him so. He claimed it wasn't anything that bad and he was just flirting/ pissing about. He doesn't have chat turned on now so no popping up anymore.

The ex girlfriends have been on there for years and i have never had a problem until now...

That all said though i think you are right that i cannot tell him what to do and if he wants to talk to other people then he will and can in any way he likes. I will just have to suck it up....

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 07/01/2014 15:02

I have a few exes on my FB and I even chat to them. It's not a big deal, my husband doesn't mind.

I am a little on the insecure side and would probably be uncomfortable with it if my husband had FB with ex GF's on there but I know it would be MY issue, not his. He hates FB though.

Sallystyle · 07/01/2014 15:02

Well now you have drip fed it changes things doesn't it?

BumpNGrind · 07/01/2014 15:07

I think YABU to tell him to cancel his account but I can understand how you feel on some level.

My DH has a Facebook account and his exes were all friends. One in particular took it upon herself to contact him every so often and arrange to meet up. He always told me and didn't meet up with her, but it started making me uncomfortable especially when my DH told her that he didn't want to meet up because my DF had died. I didn't want information like that shared with his ex. I ended up asking him to unfriend her which he did. Since then I've never had a problem.

Weelady77 · 07/01/2014 15:07

YANBU well maybe a bit but I understand cause I was the same!!

I had fb for years was on it constantly DH despised it suddenly he made one! Fine fair enough he wanted to hear from old friends but then he added an ex!! And I went crazy lol god knows why and I mean really crazyShock
But the thing that pissed me off was he lied he said she added him but dafty didn't know I had his password!

So the solution was we both came off fb as I didn't see fair that he come off and I stay on it much to my annoyance as I've got relatives in Australia and that was our contactHmm

Maybe controlling a bit but hey oh were only human Wink

MeepMeepVrooooom · 07/01/2014 15:11

Different ball game if that's the case though OP.

Still wouldn't tell him to delete it, FB doesn't start affairs the person does. I think ultimately if you don't trust DH it wont be resolved by him deleting his FB.

Truthfully I suggest you make a decision between moving forward with your relationship and trying to rebuild your trust or look at going your separate ways. I know it's not as black and white as that but when you boil it back to basics they are the two options you have...

LiberalLibertine · 07/01/2014 15:12

Think I've got 3 exes on fb, don't know about dp, I've never asked him! Why would I? I trust him.

struggling100 · 07/01/2014 15:14

YABU. I get a great deal of pleasure out of updates from people I haven't seen for a while. Facebook helps me keep in touch with loads of people, some very closely, some in a more distant way. Not every relationship I have with everyone has to be close all the time. I spend literally minutes on it every day, so it's a very easy, low-maintenance way for me to keep up with people. And I love the fact that I don't have to write a huge email to friends - I can just send a quick note when busy.

I wonder if you are not feeling a bit insecure, given that your post really seems to focus on the exes? You have no reason to be! The ability to break up with people in a civilized fashion and move on without losing contact is one of the fantastic things about modern life.

revivingshower · 07/01/2014 15:25

I think even though he offered you should say it is up to him completely and you don't mind as long as he doesn't spend more time on it than is reasonable. People have loads of useless hobbies that are just for fun. Fb is no different than doing jigsaws or something.

If the ex girlfriend thing bothers you I can see why as you sometimes hear of people getting back together years later after finding each other on fb. But if you can talk about that and he won't take it the wrong way, you might feel better about it.

CuChullain · 07/01/2014 17:00

"YANBU to be pissed off that he has ex girlfriends on there"

Sounds a bit insecure to me.

I have two exes on facebook and a few other women I have dated over the years. I consider them friends. In all cases we went our separate ways amicably and mutually, they have moved on, got married, had kids and I am happy for them. Occasionally we exchange messages, usually birthday greetings or comments on photos. What is the problem? Mrs CuChullain knows they exist and has indeed met them on a few occasions, she is cool as I am with being in touch with her exes. Some people need to grow up a bit.