AIBU to decide I’ve had enough now……

[Hegsy]

And if I’m not can someone help me figure out how to talk to DH?

Sorry this will be long, don’t want to drip feed.

DH and I have been TTC since Christmas Eve 2009, so Christmas Eve just gone made it 4 years. We’ve had tests carried out and all the issues are mine, I have polycystic ovarian syndrome(PCOS) as a result of this I am overweight and struggle to loose weight, also suffer from bouts of depression and more recently diagnosed as having Binge Eating Disorder(BED). In order for us to get the fertility treatment we need I have to loose approximately 100lbs. I’ve joined slimming world and am doing ok with it, think because I can still ‘binge’ to a certain extent but the foods involved are healthier rather than 4 packs of crisps, a bag of haribo and 2 chocolate bars!!! realistically I know I am going to be at least another year before at target then with fertility waiting lists, treatment time etc I am realistically not going to have a child until I am into my 30’s. I had always said I wanted to have had all my kids by the time I was 30! Not going to happen now.

Anyway, the last 4 years have been consumed with monitoring cycles, waiting on periods to arrive, hoping they don’t, then when I have an extra long cycle getting stupidly excited then crushed. I have spent A LOT of the last 4 years crying and I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to stop TTC. I don’t want any fertility treatments. I want to enjoy life with my DH. He’s 30 this year and I am 30 next so really I would love us to organise an extra special trip for next summer, Australia/America that kind of thing. I want to loose weight for me. I want to look good and be healthy for us to have a happy life together. BUT I don’t want to focus on the one thing I can’t have. I’ve spent most of my 20’s being fat and miserable that is not what I want for my 30’s.

So AIBU to tell DH I am deleting all TTC related apps on my phone etc. That I will not be monitoring cycles and that when the time comes and I reach my target weight I do not intend to pursue fertility treatment…………or am I being selfish?

I will give him the option of leaving(obviously he always has that option) he’s make a fantastic Dad I know he would and if he wants to go find someone else to be with then I’m happy for him but I’m done living my life in ‘what ifs’ and ‘whens’ I just want a normal happy life.

Why do all the decisions need to be made at once, why can you not take a break from it all?

Why don't you say that you're going to stop trying anything until you reach your target weight and then see how you're feeling then?

I can commiserate - DS took 6 yrs to finally arrive - lots of heartache on the way, leading to us saying that if things went wrong again we would see if we would be accepted for adopting. DS wasn't born until I was 36. Clearly I was aiming for 31 or 32 - but I wouldn't be without him.

I don't blame you for stopping and having a rest from TTC.

Have you thought about having a gastric band?

Yes, just concentrate on losing weight....for you.........and then once you reach a goal you are happy with then re-think about TTC. Just take small baby steps rather than looking at the massive big picture as that's enough to freak anyone out.

Take some time out for you and DH as a couple and who knows what may happen.

Good luck :)

I agree with Welter - it sound very 'all or nothing' with you. Are you scared that if you lose the weight and go through treatment, that it still won't happen? Is it 'easier' for you now to go 'Nope, not doing it anymore' rather than face failing?

It's a huge decision to make and it sounds like you've not discussed it with your DH at all, which again, doesn't sound good.

Not entirely sure what you are saying, OP? Are you saying you have decided you no longer want to have children? Or just that you want to see if it happens naturally?

I can entirely appreciate how mentally exhausting trying to conceive must be (no personal experience), but are you sure? Doesn't your husband deserve to be at least consulted on such a major decision? Obviously, you know your own mind best, and the last four years sound incredibly stressful, but you aren't even thirty - it seems very early to write off your fertility entirely. Surely if you are determined to lose weight anyway, whether it's to feel good or to give you a better chance of conception is a moot point?

Many (if not most?) women now have their children in their thirties, after all. I had my son at 39.

If you are not yet 30 it would be more sensible to say that you are taking 2 years off of it all, travel shift weight and see how you feel then

t sounds like taking a break from it all for a bit is a good idea. But on the plus side, you're not even 30. You have years ahead of you to have a baby.

FWIW, I was told I had PCOS. I was always a bit overweight and had become very unfit (struggling to breathe after running for 3 minutes) but when I hit 30 I decided to run a marathon. This was gobsmaking to virtually everyone who knew me. I followed a basic plan in Runners World magazine and after 5 months my body shape had changed out of all recognition. I was pure muscle. Two years later I came off the pill and had no difficulty at all getting pregnant. I have always believed that getting so fit changed my hormones balance and played a major part in good fertility.

will take you a good 18months to lose that weight.

Perhaps you won't need fertility treatment once you've lost the weight?

You sound like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself, so a break might be the best thing right now.

It sounds as if you are ground down by the whole thing. You may feel differently in a years' time though so don't need to make any decisions now except to stop trying until you have lost a significant amount of weight. 100lb is definitely achievable, and a gastric band isn't necessary imo.
Delete your apps as they are making you sad, and concentrate on yourself for the next year: feeling better, looking better and getting your confidence levels back up. Then make the next set of decisions..

30 is still young enough to take a good break from TTC. If I were you I would concentrate on you and the two of you as a couple for a while. Take the time to lose the weight you want and to travel. When you've taken some time off you can then decide what you want to do regarding TTC.

I know from personal experience how all consuming TTC can be and think taking some time away from that will do you a lot of good. I wouldn't make any permanent decisions now.

I think you are right to take a break, and that the stress of TTC is adding to your other problems. However, If I were you I would spend the next couple of years focussing on your health, but not make any decisions about fertility treatment at the moment.

FWIW, I hardly know anyone who had babies in their 20s. Almost all the 'school mums' here had their kids in their 30s. My 20s were for partying and my career.

YANBU at all. You weren't going to get any fertility treatment until you hit your target weight. I don't think that monitoring all that stuff with what it does to your head and your emotions would be of any help at the moment. It sounds like you need a break and some time out.

I agree that it would be good to see how you feel when you hit target and maybe think again. Either carry on trying naturally, have treatment or adopt. You can change your mind at any time so I don't think you are doing anything awful to your DH and I know you were hoping for babies in your 20's but having them in your 30's isn't so bad and you wouldn't be that old even if it were 3 or 4 years from now.

You never know, your DH might want to take a break too but be keeping quiet to avoid upsetting you.

Blimey 30 is nothing my sweet. Not in regards to having kids. I suggest you retread your list slowly. Not all items have to be done. Or even in this order. I saw the following for example....

1 lose weight
2 extended holiday /period of travel
3 reconnect and explore as a couple
4 review methods of treatment for depression/bed
5 delete useless info giving false hope

Just see if he's interested in a 12mth break? Top three could be done in that time. Quite easily if it's what you want.

Just.... What if he's dead keen to keep going? Don't see anything about what he might want here.....

Jmo but I wouldn't carry on trying naturally

Obesity in pregnancy can cause some nasty risks for both mother and baby.

I'd chill out, concentrate on your health and definitely have that holiday

Taking a break from all that stress and pressure to focus on your health and your relationship sounds like a good idea. However telling your husband you don't want to pursue fertility treatment and he can leave you if he wants sounds a bit drastic. Why not take some time to decide and talk it through together? Good luck with everything x

Thank you for all your lovely replies, I will try to repond as much as I can

smug no gastric band is not for me, not something I would consider or want, no offence to anyone who has one just not for me.

talkie yes that probably is it, what if I go through all this, then the trauma and drugs involved with treatment and come the end of it we are still have no child?

WRT taking a break though, I feel that would be unfair on DH to say want to take 2 years off TTC then see, but what if I feel no different in 2 years? He's wasted 2 years of his life with me where he could have gotten someone else who could give him what he wants. You see threads on here frequently where men have put off having children then eventually are honest and say they don't want them at all. Surely its better to give him the options now rather than later?

Worral I know what you mean about risks, to be honest though I would not go back onto any form of medical contraception so we'd either use condoms or 'planning'

I wouldn't object if it was to 'just happen' but I'm not looking for it iyswim?Is that a better way to put it accross to DH? We'll see how things go but I'm not tracking anything anymore and as it stands I am not really willing to go with treatment, that may change in the future but its up to him if he wants to stay for the 'may' and I am not making promises?

I would want him to support me though with family, we already get a lot of niggles from them about us having kids etc so if we stop actively TTC then I would want to just tell people we are not planning kids at all - does that sound reasonable?

Sorry I am a bit all over the place

But is your DH with you because of you or because he wants a family?
You are still pre-judging and putting pressure on yourself.

If it's you he wants to be with, you listening to your body will be fine with him. Maybe he feels the pressure too, to a degree, and time off for you two to enjoy life will be just what he needs as well.

Talk to him about it.

Good luck with the weight loss

Been there myself and have a lot of sympathy for you, it's hard. I didn't manage to conceive until mid thirties after a lot of trying, sometimes the stress of worrying and emotion about it can get so much you need a break.

Definitely worth sharing how you feel with him, but it's ok to just take that break and not feel you have to make definite decisions right now or in order to justify stopping. In a few months you might have a clearer picture of what you want to do. Whether or not in the future you do decide you'd like to try again, the time spent on your emotional health and lowering stress is going to be as good as working on losing weight.

I think maybe you need to say something like and I'm rubbish with words I'm finding all this really hard atm and would like to step back, focus on some other things that are important to me/you/us. Start to enjoy each other and sex again. If we fall pregnant then fab, but if not we'll perhaps look at everything again at some point. Not not trying, but also not over trying, iyswim.

You are bound to feel stressed by everything, step back, shake it out and take it step by step. Good luck, and don't beat yourself up. Your dh loves you, just be honest with him and find a way forward together.

I don't hear you saying you don't want children ever ever.
Just that right now you want to lose weight for you, and step off the infertility rollercoaster.

You are both young. You have time to go step by step.

(And provided you lose weight you could also consider adopting in a few years if you want to be a parent without further infertility treatment).

(Adopter).

Forget TTC for the moment and see about getting your health sorted. TTC is just an added stress. Are you getting any treatment for your PCOS e.g. metformin?

It sounds a bit to me that you are trying to pre-empt the possibility that you might never have children by deciding not to try anymore in case it might fail. After so many years of trying intensively I can understand why you can't deal with trying anymore and need to stop.

I have PCOS and I am overweight. I did eventually conceive naturally in my 30's but I remember crying in the loo when DSIL announced her pregnancy and I hadn't had a period for nearly 6 months.

Focus on getting yourself well and enjoying life for now. Lose the weight because it will make your life more enjoyable not because you want treatment. Go and do some fun things, especially anything you have been putting off because of TTC. See how you feel in a year or two.

I think you need a break and I think you need to concentrate on your own physical and emotional well being for a while. You've got years ahead of you to pursue treatment if you decide to.

Chucking the apps and shagging your DH because you want to rather than because your body temperature is right or your OPK says you should will probably do you both the power of good. Also a lot of these apps, kits, charts etc only really work for women with 28 day cycles.

If your family start asking personal questions you might want to tell them to take their noses beaks and shove them up their arses.

So here's my advice:
Tell DH you want to chuck the apps and give TTCing (but not shagging) a break
Lose some weight and get fitter
Save up to go on a safari/dream holiday of your choice.

Give yourself 12 months from today to do it then book your holiday.

FWIW it took me three years to conceive DS1 and it was hellish miserable but it happened and I was a few years older than you, so don't stop hoping but do stop putting pressure on yourself.

After so long TTC it is no wonder that it all becomes too much. I have been in exactly your situation and it seemed as though the least painful thing to do was to just give it all up and forget about trying to conceive. It is your body and mind's way of saying that you need a break. Listen to it. Have a break, book a nice holiday (make sure you have travel insurance from the outset just in case things change), pack all your TTC things away and have some nice sex just or sex's sake. You'll probably find that you will feel able to return to TTC in the future feeling refreshed and ready to try again. You are still young and have lots of time. I had my 1st naturally after years of infertility at the age of 36 and got pregnant soon after with my 2nd. The thing that saved my sanity when TTC was taking regular breaks and, what we called 'turkey basting' i.e, DH doing the deed in a pot and me putting it where it needed to go with a syringe. Takes away the sometimes relentless crap TTC sex and, funnily enough, I got pregnant both times after a week of 'basting' rather than actual sex. Sending you all my love. No one really understands the pain of TTC unless they have experienced the heartache but statistically, you are very likely to be a mommy one day x