AIBU to decide I’ve had enough now……

[Hegsy]

And if I’m not can someone help me figure out how to talk to DH?

Sorry this will be long, don’t want to drip feed.

DH and I have been TTC since Christmas Eve 2009, so Christmas Eve just gone made it 4 years. We’ve had tests carried out and all the issues are mine, I have polycystic ovarian syndrome(PCOS) as a result of this I am overweight and struggle to loose weight, also suffer from bouts of depression and more recently diagnosed as having Binge Eating Disorder(BED). In order for us to get the fertility treatment we need I have to loose approximately 100lbs. I’ve joined slimming world and am doing ok with it, think because I can still ‘binge’ to a certain extent but the foods involved are healthier rather than 4 packs of crisps, a bag of haribo and 2 chocolate bars!!! realistically I know I am going to be at least another year before at target then with fertility waiting lists, treatment time etc I am realistically not going to have a child until I am into my 30’s. I had always said I wanted to have had all my kids by the time I was 30! Not going to happen now.

Anyway, the last 4 years have been consumed with monitoring cycles, waiting on periods to arrive, hoping they don’t, then when I have an extra long cycle getting stupidly excited then crushed. I have spent A LOT of the last 4 years crying and I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to stop TTC. I don’t want any fertility treatments. I want to enjoy life with my DH. He’s 30 this year and I am 30 next so really I would love us to organise an extra special trip for next summer, Australia/America that kind of thing. I want to loose weight for me. I want to look good and be healthy for us to have a happy life together. BUT I don’t want to focus on the one thing I can’t have. I’ve spent most of my 20’s being fat and miserable that is not what I want for my 30’s.

So AIBU to tell DH I am deleting all TTC related apps on my phone etc. That I will not be monitoring cycles and that when the time comes and I reach my target weight I do not intend to pursue fertility treatment…………or am I being selfish?

I will give him the option of leaving(obviously he always has that option) he’s make a fantastic Dad I know he would and if he wants to go find someone else to be with then I’m happy for him but I’m done living my life in ‘what ifs’ and ‘whens’ I just want a normal happy life.

OP just wanted to say when I read your post My heart missed a beat because it reads like a post I could have easily written 12 years ago. So many similarities it's scary!!!
I too have PCOS and after going through 4 years of trying and following my ovulation, trying to lose weight ( similar amount to you) etc I couldn't do it anymore. We decided to give up and book a fantastic holiday for the following year then decide where to go from there.
A couple of months into our carefree new life I found out I was pregnant!!! I truly believe that the stress I was putting on myself was preventing me from conceiving and as soon as that was gone and I was relaxed things were able to happen.
I sincerely hope your path continues to be so similar to mine!!

This might sound odd but there is a possibility that stopping TTC might help with the BED.

I only say this as someone who has suffered numerous eds that have all been linked to loss of control in areas of my life.

Is it possible that your ed could be linked to the stress and loss of control TTC has created?

Ironically, stopping might make the weight loss (and then possibly conceiving later) possible.

Uanbu at all. If that's your choice then stick with it I reckon.

Best of luck

I have PCOS and an emotional eating issue.

We spent four years ttc, 2.5 of which I spent doing WW, very very slowly losing 4.5 stone in a one step forward, two back pcos fashion.

Three years ago on Saturday I conceived my Clomid baby (I know the date because I had an ovulation scan that morning). DD is now two, she was born when I was 33.

Having been where you are I think you have the right idea. Stress about ttc can affect your chances, and the single biggest thing to address pcos issues is weight loss.

I truly be that is the reason dd is here. We had Clomid for six months before I lost the weight, and nothing happened. I then took a break, lost the weight and had a final Clomid bash and got pregnant.

Losing weight with pcos is hard, some weeks you can do everything right and gain, it takes a long time and it can be very hard to maintain focus when that happens

You gave said that you get stupidly excited when your cycle us late. This says to me that you obviously want children.

Yes, you must loose your weight. Taking ttc out of the equation it's still something you need to do. Focus on that and put ttc on the back - burner.

It seems to me that you are almost putting yourself off the idea of kids as a kind of safety mechanism. This is normal - I did it.

I would discuss how you feel with your DO and see what he says.

As for the drugs and treatment, if may not actually get that far. The drugs are not the best thing, but how can you make a decision when you haven't tried them? You may not need if. I didn't. Tbh, I found antibiotics mess with my body far more than the fertility drugs I tried.

DO and I planned a trip to borneo if of didn't happen. 2 DC s later I still haven't been but it is totally worth it.

*DO and I, not DO!

Stupid phone!

I found that the only way I could get my head around that was to view it as a permanent lifestyle change rather than a diet, and that any weight loss was a bonus. It kept me going on the weeks the scales went the wrong way or didn't move.

I've just started sw because dd brought a lot of my weight back with her lol, and we're contemplating attempting number two... Once I get this weight off as I'm not going to put myself through it again until I'm in the best possible position as it is such a difficult thing to do.

I can fully understand why you need to take a break from TTC. You are coping with a huge emotional burden.
I would be wary about shutting the door on ever having fertility treatment, maybe you can agree with your DH to review the situation in a year or two?

I am binge emotional eater myself and really need to lose around half my body weight. Reading your OP, I am wondering if you feel overwhelmed about the scale of the weight loss task ahead of you. I know how intimidating that big number can be. I also get the feeling you may be punishing yourself by permanently giving up your dream of motherhood prematurely. Would it possible to access some counselling before presenting your DH with an ultimatum?

You are young and your fertility issues are all ones which can be addressed given time, hard work, treatment and support. Of course you need time to come to terms with everything, to reduce the pressure and enjoy your 20's with your DH. But your OP does sound as though you are preparing to walk away from your hopes and dreams and even your marriage, it sounds quite self-destructive. This why I think you need to go slowly and talk to your DH and maybe a counsellor, please don't rush in and make unilateral decisions you may come to regret.

I can't comment on the TTC issues but wanted to tell you there is hope.

I too have BED. I could never lose weight in the medium term through dieting because even with being able to cut 1000kcals a day through dieting, only 1 binge a week would see me easily being able to consume more than 7000kcals in one session and I simply couldn't lose the weight.

The breakthrough came for me in learning how to cope with life without bingeing, this then allowed the dieting to work.

Many people confuse BED with overeating or assume there was choice in what I did. I was pre-programme to binge, it was done in a zombie like trance so once I'd entered into a session I wasn't conscious of what I was doing, let alone able to decide to try to interrupt it and limit the damage. BED bought me nothingness. I was the only time I could feel nothing and cope with life.

With the option of damage limitation being out of the question, the only way forward was to try to predict when a session would I cure and to interrupt the cycle to PREVENT an incidence. Again, people who don't have a clue had lots of well meaning advice about not keeping crap in the house and making better choices about what I ate. From what you've written, it sounds like you have more control and self awareness than I have. When I binge it's not a decision it's a trance. Even so, I think that what's worked for me might help you too.

I started writing a food and mood diary the moment I thought about or ate anything. To make it clear, it recording the intentions and thoughts, not just when I actually are anything. It would chart what time, where I was, who I was with, what I was thinking, what I was doing, what food was involved etc.

This allowed me to build up a picture of the pattern of my dependence on food. There was a very clear pattern! From that, I could predict and learn to avoid the situation and so interrupt the cycle. As time went on, the interruption of the cycle allowed me to develop alternative behaviors and see those as natural. I'd found a way to cope with life that didn't involve self destructive behaviours.

Last year, I only had a few times where I binged (it used to be at least a weekly occurrence). I do overeat as well at times but i have mostly learnt to manage my BED for enough of the time to remain a normal BMI. On the occasions I have reverted, I don't go into self hatred mode, I simply accept that I will always have BED and that each occurrence is my opportunity to learn and be better at coping in future. I am good enough at coping with my condition enough of the time now but I'll never be perfect, never be cured.

So for me at least, dieting wasn't my answer. It was only by tackling the BED that I could then diet to reverse the damage I'd done by bingeing. I hope my story might have elements in it to help you but from what you've written I know there are big differences between us.

Good luck

Joysmum
That is an inspiring post.

I think talking to your dh is the key. You want to make these decisions without discussion. Perhaps you could edit your post and put it in an email to him to let him know how you are really feeling.

Myself and dh agreed that if children happened then great, if it didn't we wouldn't pursue it, we would have a great life, it would just be different life without kids.

I know it probably won't make you feel better at the moment but my DSis had the severest case of PCOS her consultant had ever seen and hasn't had a period for 8 years. She then had 6 months of chemotherapy for a blood cancer. 1 year later she gets pregnant naturally. The body is a very funny thing

Hegsy your last post still makes it sound like if you make a decision now it is final. You don't have to tell your families anything. Let them niggle and just smile and shrug. It really is none of their business. Or just tell them you aren't planning children and leave it at that if it really will get them off your back and stop them for hassling you. The point is that what you tell them doesn't stop you from TTC conceive later. The decision is not do I have a baby or don't I? The decision is shall we stop actively trying? - if you think of it that way, it is less of a big deal and more of an open-ended, wait and see situation. You really do have time on your side for a few years yet and your DH has even longer as male fertility is less affected by age. It really isn't a question of never having a baby and losing your DH, not by a long way.

FWIW, and not trying to give you false hope but I have heard several stories in RL of friends of friends or colleagues who have taken the pressure off themselves by giving up TTC and then falling pregnant naturally. Sort your physical health out and without the stress of counting and watching and apps, you might just get pregnant naturally. You just never know what is round the corner.