to back dd up instead of exH regarding dancing?

[smuggler]

Dd is 7. She loves dancing and does two dance classes per week. She really wants to do more (and has been encouraged to by her teacher who said she is talented) or attend theatre school. Her father, whom she usually sees every other weekend, has told her that dancing and acting are 'stupid' and a waste of her time. The classes she would like to do are on either Friday evening or Sat morning so would disrupt his contact and he has said a firm no. I feel he should encourage dd to explore these activities, particularly as she was selectively mute up until a year ago - the fact she now wants to do drama is a massive step and she should be encouraged to increase her confidence in this way rather than have it put down in my opinion. I'd be happy for him to have more contact time in the holidays to compensate - he currently has no holiday contact -

YAdefinitelyNBU. Even if you could find other classes which don't disrupt his contact, the fact that he is so dismissive of something she enjoys and is good at is appalling, particularly given her difficulties.

How many hours a week does he have contact? Could you swap days to accomodate both rather than just offer time in the holidays which are at least six weeks apart.

If you only allow him a few hours a week then its very undertandable he wants to spend the time with his DD but if he has the whole weekend every weekend then an hour or two is not that much for an activity.

YANBU he is being very nasty

if she is talented, enjoys it and you can afford it, why would he say no? He sounds like a spoilt brat who cant make compromises for his own child who he is meant to love and put 1st?. as for telling her its stupid, he's a fine one to talk!

Is your contact court decided?

If so then look for dance lessons on different days, it's much easier if you don't do stuff on 'his' days.

I totally agree she should do the activities she wants.

Sorry I posted too soon. He's said no to any holiday contact or extra/replaced contact at any other time. He wants eow, never to be disrupted.

Ex is certainly unreasonable to tell her that activities she wants to take part in are stupid, however sadly he does and should get a choice in what she does over contact time.
Have you suggested the option of more holiday time contact if you took her to something on Friday evening say?

No it isn't court decided. The classes she wants to do are only on a Saturday and theatre school is only on a Fri evening or Saturday morning, I've looked within a 40 mile radius to find alternatives

He sounds like an idiot, which is why presumably he is an ex.

However she is already doing 2 classes a week and I'm not a great fan of young-ish DCs having loads of extra-curricular activities. I'd leave it for now, hopefully your DD can be more convincing than you can, but I would definitely say something about his putting down of her choices.

Rookie he currently has her Fri tea time until Sunday 3pm. I've offered he collect her at Sat 8am and took her to school on Monday so she could do the Fri evening one. He says no.

How about if you took her to the Fri eve one then dropped her off at his afterwards?
Is it that he doesn't want their time dictated, or that he doesn't want the 'upheaval' of having to take her?

YADNBU.

Dancing is lovely and she has obvious talent as identified by her teacher.
I too have a talented dd and if dh tried to stop her activities he'd be an xdh.
Please fight her corner and let her continue. Tell him its nothing to do with him now as you are her primary carer, he has access.

Is there another day you could swop so she spends the correct amount of time with her.
I bet he'll be the first telling everyone "That's my daughter" whn she does shows, competitions, exams etc.

She feels like he's saying no because he thinks she's rubbish at it - he's told her she 'dances like a baby elephant' - and her confidence is really be undermined

He sounds horrible, I can't imagine someone telling their own DD that they are bad at something they enjoy .

Does he have her every weekend? Is overall contact something that can be looked at? Most arrangements are every other weekend and some holiday time, that way at least your DD could go to the activity half of the time.
What does he do with her when she is there?

I think it's both kinky. The Fri evening one is until 8 and he's half hour away so I couldn't drop her at his afterwards as I also have a toddler who'd fall asleep in the car. I'd be happy to take dd and have him collect her though, or drop her off on Sat morning but he won't compromise at all

He's said no to any holiday contact or extra/replaced contact at any other time. He wants eow, never to be disrupted.

He needs to get that out of his head right now. Unless he plans for her to spend her entire childhood refusing invitations to parties etc on Saturdays just so that his contact is never ever disrupted. I fear you might need to get this one sorted out by the courts, who I hope would be unimpressed by someone as inflexible as this.

He has her eow only, he doesn't want anymore besides Christmas days. Only doing the dance classes eow means she'd miss too much and wouldn't be able to do exams. Missing half the theatre school classes isn't an option as it's extortionate! Her friends from current dance classes and school go to the sat morning classes and she hates feeling different because she's from a separated family and can't go

He is being a selfish arse. My stepson has his daughter once midweek and every Saturday but if this coincides with parties or other events his daughter attends then he takes her to them. It isn't the child's fault that the parents don't live together.

Yes nenny he expects her to miss parties and anything else on his time. She was scouted for the county swim squad but couldn't because it involved weekend commitment. She wasn't too bothered about swimmingbut loves ddancing and I want to support her in it

nenny is right. Far about birthday parties and stuff. Why can't he just take her does he really expect her to be home all day every other weekend. The world doesn't stop just because it's his weekend. Classes can't eat that much of it up surely?? He's being selfish!

That's how I see it too squeaky, that's she's suffering because of it when if we were together it wouldn't be an issue. Up until now I've gone to great lengths to swap days so she could attend best friends parties but the hassle she and I get from him about it is ridiculous. Theclosest hhe's come to 'compromise' is saying he'd let me collect dd, get her ready for party, buy present, take her to and supervise her at party and return her to him All while knowing I couldn't because times and travelling make it unfair on my toddler but thereby making me the bad guy

Oh and rookie he does very little with her. Last weekendall she could say she'd done is watch tv. She's named 8 films she watched over the course of that weekend so far

Your ex is being a baby and undermining his own daughter's confidence.

She should do the classes and he will have to work around it.

Write him a letter saying dd wants to do dance rather than watching TV all weekend. That you are happy for him to have her another time to make up or for him to take her.

And send it recorded delivery just in case he wants to go to court.

Thought so smuggler (although to be fair DS has done his fair share of hibernation over the Christmas period).

Sounds like contact needs to be re-evaluated and sharpish. Not fair at all that you are driving her to parties because he couldn't be arsed, what a nasty, nasty man.

I have the same problem with my ex

Dd plays the violin but isn't allowed to take it to his house because he can't stand the noise
She also wants to go to a dance class on Saturdays, she can't go during the week due to my work schedule, but he won't take her -its literally at the end if his road!

Sadly I can't dictate what he does during his contact so dd is missing out

He sounds like he wants EOW to spite you and has no interest in his daughter, or love for her for that matter. I'd push for a court agreement unless he is prepared to be more flexible.