to back dd up instead of exH regarding dancing?

[smuggler]

Dd is 7. She loves dancing and does two dance classes per week. She really wants to do more (and has been encouraged to by her teacher who said she is talented) or attend theatre school. Her father, whom she usually sees every other weekend, has told her that dancing and acting are 'stupid' and a waste of her time. The classes she would like to do are on either Friday evening or Sat morning so would disrupt his contact and he has said a firm no. I feel he should encourage dd to explore these activities, particularly as she was selectively mute up until a year ago - the fact she now wants to do drama is a massive step and she should be encouraged to increase her confidence in this way rather than have it put down in my opinion. I'd be happy for him to have more contact time in the holidays to compensate - he currently has no holiday contact -

OP, I think he is disgusting, but guess that's why he's your ex.
My dd did end up dancing like a baby elephant as she grew and filled out, but nobody would have been so mean as to say this, she left of her own accord, to pursue other activities.
I know what you mean about attendance and exams and you need to fully commit.
Does the school have a website where you can link and send him all the details. It might help if he realises the level she is dancing at and the discipline that can be gained through dancing.
He is horrible and I'd fight him all the way, even to court if I had to.
Good luck OP your dd deserves better than his treatment.
Also don't forget he is your x and you are not under his control. He sounds like he was quite controlling.

His belittling what she wants to do means she struggles to speak up for herself about it, particularly bearing in mind her previous speech difficulties. If I stand up for her and say he needs to take her or else restrict/stop contact and he took it to court - which he would because he's extremely concerned with his rights - would the court think he should act more encouraging and like a parent do you think?

Morethan - her dance teacher has offered to speak/write to him/the court if necessary and her opinion would hold particular weight as she's also a speech and language therapist and sees the change in dd when she's dancing.

I work in a dance school and we have so many children from seperated families. It's so sad when one parent isn't supportive.

That said we do try to accommodate and have several children who dance every other weekend, due to contact arrangements. Would the dance school not consider this an option? If he is interested in taking exams could she not have a private lesson to make up the work? That's what some of our girls do.

My heart goes out to all of you who have said similar.
There was one child in dds old dance school who this happened to and the parents and children felt so sorry for the poor child.
How on earth can a parent do this, I look at the things my dd is doing and know it would break her heart to not be allowed to do it, especially as the one doing it should be supporting.
I am so sorry OP and others, I wish there was something that could be done.
Good luck.

I paid full fees for drama and ds could only go every other weekend. Sometimes these things have to be done. I could afford the fees, but it was galling that he was only there part time. I just had to not think about that aspect, just what he was getting out of it when he was there. He also missed parties on contact weekends. He just had to learn that as a fact of life and say sorry I'm with my dad that weekend.

"If I stand up for her and say he needs to take her or else restrict/stop contact and he took it to court - which he would because he's extremely concerned with his rights - would the court think he should act more encouraging and like a parent do you think?"

A court won't care about his rights, they will care about what is in the best interests of the child.

I think they would therefore take an exceedingly dim view of a child who is in the process of overcoming social/communication difficulties being prevented from taking part in social activities (parties as well as regular classes). If he constantly belittles her and puts her down (is that related to her former mutism at all?) there is even a (probably exceedingly slim) chance that they would decide that it is not in her best interest to see him at all.

I really don't think that second option is likely, but use it as an argument - tell him you'd rather sort it amicably, 'but if it did go to court here's what they would consider and how do you think you'd do on those criteria?'

If contact is informal agreement can you say that in the best interests of your child these being a/b/c you are changing contact to Saturday 8am to Sunday 7pm or whatever and if he doesn't like it he can go to court.

or rather on professional advice, in the best interests of your child you are enrolling her in blah blah friday nights. As he has said he is unwilling to facilitate this you will do it and he can have her from x time on saturday morning to his usual sunday 3pm or he can have her until mon morning if he prefers, and if he doesn't like it he can take you to court.

As someone who has a dd who danced & I run a theatre school it's really hard for a child to miss every other weekend especially in performance terms when show choreography, songs & drama rehearsals are taking place.

It's not so bad with syllabus work where the consequences are that she'll probably just take a bit longer to learn the work.

I've seen remarkable changes in selectively mute children who have attended my classes. Your dd has a live for something & there is the added bonus she's good at it. Your ex is being v unreasonable. This sort of thing makes me very sad. He's treating her like a toy for his own own amusement - not acting like a child.

My dds love of performing means I only get to spend Saturday afternoons & Sundays with her as she leaves the house very early & gets home an hour before bedtime. It's a sacrifice us parents make.

Yadnbu he should be supporting his dd and encouraging her in something she obviously enjoys! When my dsd started stage school we didn't get any option and we lost some of our contact time with her but the main thing was she was having fun! Our dd is now doing dance and she loves it too.
Your ex is being a selfish pain in the arse out of pure spite so I wouldn't think twice about changing contact times. Your dd is the important one here not him.

he's told her she 'dances like a baby elephant' what a bastard, who says something like that to a child? it doesn't even matter if it's true, that's just a horrible thing to say!

I'd take DDs side, you have offered him reasonable contact and options to make it wok and he won't compromise, provided there's no genuine reason he can't change the times that's all a court is likely to offer him anyway because as PunkHedgehog said A court won't care about his rights, they will care about what is in the best interests of the child.

DS's dad argued about football and parties eating into the contact time and the judge actually told him that being a parent is about putting your child first and that he had to be more flexible, eventually it was a contributing factor in the court stopping contact (there was far more to it than just that though)

I sent him an email last month offering various compromises and emphasising how much dd loves dance and how good that and parties are for her social development. He replied, at long last, yesterday simply saying: no. In person he accused me of trying to cut contact (despite offering more/replacement!) and tryingto ddictate to him.

I argued this with my own ex with no come back argument of 'they are their own people and entitled to their own lives and to make their own choices'

As above, contact is for the benefit of the child, not the parent.

Even if you don't ultimately want to take it to court, I think you would find half an hour with a solicitor enlightening.

All he is doing is ensuring that as she gets older, she won't want to go to his as it's boring, undermining and in the way of her social life. And for an older child, court will take the child's view into account.

He is cutting off his nose to spite his face.

This sounds very similar to a thread that wad posted a few weeks back but that seemed to be from the ex's/his new partners view

Do you only have 1 child with him?

Wasn't me jigsaw, yes we only have the one child together.

Thanks kundry, I was considering getting her a half hour consultation to see where we stand. In the meantime dd is booked in to try theatre school on Friday and dancing on Saturday and is ecstatic

I do think it's unfair that you are basically trying to dictate what they do on his contact time by booking her into lessons which require her attendance at those times. Especially when she is already attending similar classes. There may be other things he would be more interested in doing with her on the weekend and whilst I don't think his comments about her abilities are helpful(whether true or not), I'd be pretty unhappy myself if I had an expartner who signed up the kids for weekend activities which I was then expected to take them to.

What a complete prick he is.

Sign her up for the classes, and drop her at his after the class on Saturday. If he wants more access he can drop her to school on Monday. How dare he crush her spirit!

Don't let this terrible excuse for a man dictate anything in your lives.

Even if you don't ultimately want to take it to court, I think you would find half an hour with a solicitor enlightening

It wouldn't be down to the op to take it to court, if she makes a decision and acts on it as the none resident parent it would be down to him to challenge it in court.

Mimishimi - surely that's like me saying I'd be pretty unhappy if her friends invited her to a party on my weekend because I'd have to take her? Who arranges what should be irrelevant if it's in the child's best interests. If he spent quality time with her/took her on days out etc and she enjoyed her time there I'd be reluctant to disrupt it, but that isn't the case here and the fact he doesn't choose to have any additional contact with her in the holidays demonstrates to me that he isn't all that committed to her.

So glad to see you've booked your dd in to try the classes.

Your ex is being a total arse!! I can't believe he thinks it's acceptable to say such horrible things to a little girl even if she wasn't talented but enjoyed it he should do nothing but encourage her.

And making her miss her friends parties (particularly with her previous speech issue which I imagine made such events very difficult) is just cruel.

The time he has her is not about him, it's about his daughter. He should be proud of her and be pleased to support her activities.

Hope he's not suprised when she gets older and starts saying 'I don't want to go to Dad's'

I hope she enjoys her trial classes xx

what a horrible sounding man he said she dances like a fairy elephant this is his child doing something she enjoys, I dont think she should be staying with him all weekend if this is the kind of shite he spouts what a way to crush a little girls self esteem, anyway I do think he has a say what she does on his contacts sadly , he is her dad and it is his time with her but i would be having words about his fucking attitude to his child,

He sounds horrid and I wouldn't let it go. He isn't putting his daughter first :(