to be fuming that DP has arranged to take the DDs away for a WEEK over the Easter Holidays without mentioning it to me first?

[mischiefmummy]

Back story. Because of BIL/SIL appalling rudeness when visiting our home a few years ago I will no longer visit them.

DP (rather than grow a backbone) has continued to take the DDs to visit but first has always checked with me re timings etc

During Christmas Day lunch, dd3 announced having spoken to her cousins, that she was delighted to be seeing them over Easter. I replied along the lines of "that's nice" and left it, and quietly seethed. Since then I have waited for DP to mention it but nothing has been said. I realise today that an entire week of the Easter hols has been blocked out. I just think it is such a rude and underhand way of behaving. He has been all sweetness and light over Christmas, I think just waiting for me to explode but I don't want to give him the satisfaction this time. What's the best way forward wise MNs?? I think if I confront him, he'll shrug and say since I said nothing he assumed it was ok, although clearly it was booked well in advance of Christmas. I hate game playing and tit for tat measures but he often isn't able to 'get' anyone's point of view unless he's experienced it for himself IYSWIM?

Do I have it out with him, or simply take all the DDs away in a similar fashion and leave a note on the table?

Well, do you want to deal with it like an adult or a child?

Why did you wait for DP to mention it silently seething? Surely the sensible thing to do, if you hate game playing was to discuss it as soon as it came up - obviously once the DCs were out of range.

I certainly wouldn't do tit for tat - unfair on the DDs to be used in this way. I would have a calm conversation with him, find out what the plans are and advise him of the consequences should he go ahead and agree to this sort of thing again without discussing it with you.

BTW I don't think you are wrong to be annoyed, but you have caused yourself complications and stress by not just addressing it at the time.

Why would he not discuss it with you? Sorry if I'm being a bit confused!

Is it because you don't get on with the ILs?

I mean, I guess he doesn't need permission to take his kids somewhere, just seems really weird why he wouldn't discuss it?

Especially if you have supported him in taking them in the past?

Sounds like you both need to comm

Communicate better with each other

Sounds lovely!
A whole week to yourself!

He takes them all for a week, you plan something interesting for you to do whilst they are away.
Do you usually seethe and explode and hold grudges?
You could ask him calmly why he didn't check with you, but presumably if you'd had plans over Easter, you'd have mentioned them to him already?

So because You don't like your sil/bil, Your dp and dc should have nothing to do with them either?

I'm with captain. The stuff I could do with a child free week....

He should have discussed it with you.

You should have told him you were unhappy when it came up (away from DC obviously).

I would be pissed off that he's been underhand however if you've been happy for them to go in the past then he may not realise you'd be annoyed.

More importantly, do you have a child free week? I'd get planning some fun things to do, alone, without children.

Would you have said no if he asked you?
How rude were the in laws?

On the face of it apart from you asking him to tell you next time there doesn't seem to be an issue.

He should have discussed it, absolutely. YANBU on that front.

But, YWBVU to say they can't see their aunt/uncle/cousins just because you don't get on with them.

Can't speak for your ILs past behavior but you're coming off pretty passive-aggressive and childish here. Just talk to your husband.

He usually takes then for 3-4 days but discusses it first.

We usually discuss all plans so I'm puzzled by the silence. I have been know to get unreasonably cross in the past, mainly due to undiagnosed thyroid issues which are now under control. We've had a crazy few weeks seeing friends or family every day so no real time to thrash things through. Just weird.

I don't want a week on my own, as I love spending the holidays with my girls. We have only had one family holiday in the last 4 years but somehow he always finds the cash to go away with BIL and SIL isn't that fussed about it as they have plenty of family holidays too each year.

He should have discussed it if it's going to cost a lot of money, but if the children will enjoy it and you have the option of being there if you wanted to, I can't really see what the big deal is.

You seem to want more than a discussion about it, you're coming across as if he should have asked your permission.

FWIW, I have never ever stopped him seeing his family but I can't be bothered to put up with their bullying ways. It continued for years and I finally snapped and drew a line in the sand. Other people know what they have said and done and my decision is not seen as unreasonable by even the most level headed of people.

Why not go with them and stay in a b&b that way they can see their cousins and you have the option of going along or doing your own thing for a few hours.

YANBU, he should have mentioned it in the first place but you shouldn't wait for him to bring it up since you obviously know about it now, go and talk to him.

Depends on how you want your relationship with your DP to be do you want a future together, then ask him calmly what the Easter plans are.

If you want to escalate it book a holiday away with you and the girls and take them the night of the last day of school and leave a note on the fridge.

How do you know they are planning to go for a whole week? Was it just that one comment, or have you since found out more? It sounds like you have a very odd relationship when your reaction is to stew and seeth about it, rather than asking your DP what his plans are, and asking him to change them if they don't suit you.

You have a kid free week and are seethng about it?

Are you mad, woman ??

Maybe he's just tired of being piggy in the middle and was avoiding confrontation.
If you want a family holiday together, plan the finances together and sort one out.

I know it's a week as it's been blocked out by him in the family diary.

I've had three emails from him today, asking to add in things regarding work so to not mention an entire week seems odd.

It's not been the easiest of relationships over the last few years but I would have said over the last 4-5 months it's improved greatly.

I usually always query stuff but I did think he would be polite enough to follow up dd3's comment with an explanation. I am always the one to make an effort to clarify plans ahead of time, check with him and discuss and it surely isn't unreasonable to expect the same considerations?

IMO, tit for tat would make a bad situation much worse.

On the other hand, I don't think you should have to meekly accept this at all and must speak to him and lay out some very clear ground rules re: booking time off, family holidays and so on. That would be the case even if the rude BIL/SIL weren't involved and I find it quite extraordinary - if I've understood what you've written correctly - that even though you've had just one family holiday in the last 4 years (and you imply this is due to affordability) he has seen fit to book a week away without any discussion or consultation with you. If he's also going to go away with people who've behaved appallingly towards you, that's a double insult.

The impression I get "somehow he always finds the cash to go away with BIL" obviously makes it sound like this isn't the first time either. It's one thing for him to continue to see his family (without knowing exactly what happened I don't know if this is reasonable or not) but does a holiday have to be involved every time ??!! Yet you don't have a family holiday with your own partner and children ?

It strikes me that a point is being made here. Unless you detest holidays, why on earth would he prioritise holidays with anyone else ahead of a family holiday - and certainly not before discussing it with you first. Looks like he thinks you're being unreasonable over the fallout with BIL/SIL and is putting them first. Have you never objected before to the holidays he takes with them ?

yadnbu. I enjoy spending time with my dc in the holidays. I wouldn't want to find out that other people had decided without even discussing it that they wouldn't be around for half the holiday. Especially if they were people I didn't like.

You need to talk to him. [I would expect some discussion from my dh and have got cross when he has not discussed similar things with me].
As you are emailing today, why don't you query by email and say we can discuss it tonight [is he at work?].