to be fuming that DP has arranged to take the DDs away for a WEEK over the Easter Holidays without mentioning it to me first?

[mischiefmummy]

Back story. Because of BIL/SIL appalling rudeness when visiting our home a few years ago I will no longer visit them.

DP (rather than grow a backbone) has continued to take the DDs to visit but first has always checked with me re timings etc

During Christmas Day lunch, dd3 announced having spoken to her cousins, that she was delighted to be seeing them over Easter. I replied along the lines of "that's nice" and left it, and quietly seethed. Since then I have waited for DP to mention it but nothing has been said. I realise today that an entire week of the Easter hols has been blocked out. I just think it is such a rude and underhand way of behaving. He has been all sweetness and light over Christmas, I think just waiting for me to explode but I don't want to give him the satisfaction this time. What's the best way forward wise MNs?? I think if I confront him, he'll shrug and say since I said nothing he assumed it was ok, although clearly it was booked well in advance of Christmas. I hate game playing and tit for tat measures but he often isn't able to 'get' anyone's point of view unless he's experienced it for himself IYSWIM?

Do I have it out with him, or simply take all the DDs away in a similar fashion and leave a note on the table?

If you want to play games, you could tell him that you had found a lovely cheap holiday for all of you as a family over the Easter break and add that how lovely it would be after four years of no holidays.

you dont get on with his family,fair enough

but he does and wants to see them

cousins want to see each other

maybe he's scared of your reaction so is waiting for the "right moment" cant say i blame him if your gonna be OTT about it

enjoy your child free week,its not dp and the kids fault you refuse to see sil

Get it out in the open, this stand off isn't helping anyone.

Tell him you're annoyed by the silence regarding the trip and why did he feel the need to keep it quiet.

Oh dear, the lack of money for holidays makes this a bigger issue. Are they going to stay with the ILs or going away together? Spending family money on a holiday, when you can't afford one for the family with you included, would be very bad.

My first thought would have been that your dd had got the wrong end of the stick or just cooked something up with her cousins without agreeing it with adults. So I'd have asked DP straight afterwards what he thought she was talking about, as nothing had been agreed yet.

He should have talked to you but you holding out makes you as bad, unfortunately. So, get it out in the open. You haven't agreed it, so it is not yet a plan, just a proposal.

Don't turn it down just because you're annoyed about how it's come about but do reduce the time if there's something else you'd rather be doing with your daughters. Do adjust the plans if that's the only way you can afford a holiday as a family.

It's possible that because it's a regular thing, he just took it as read that they'd be visiting as usual at that time, so wasn't deliberately being deceptive. In which case that's fine as a proposal but does need to be agreed by you and any variation on the norm, such as extra days, discussed.

So he goes away with BIL and SIL and you don't get a family holiday?

It is courtesy to discuss plans with each other. I don't think YABU to expect that. However your DP obviously doesn't have a problem with his family and neither do your children so can't you just rise above it and go with them?
You need to discuss this with DH sensibly. There is no need for exploding and seething.

If you've had a rocky relationship for the past few years, he may find a holiday with his children and his family more relaxing than one with you as well, especially if the children love seeing their relatives.
I'd concentrate on improving the relationship between you rather than point-scoring, if you want it to continue.

Why don't you just tell him casually that you've booked a holiday/activities for you and the DC's for X week. Wait and see what he says.

When he tells you his plans, tell him that the entire week doesn't work for you so it's not going to happen. Then discuss alternatives.

Then I'd have words with him for being so rude as to make plans for YOUR children (as in, not JUST his) without discussing it with you first.

Catsmother, thank you.

Yes it's to do with affordability and the way we deal with shared finances is a whole other story, sadly.

I have never objected to the holiday, although I have made your point about how he prioritises a holiday with them, but I have at least had a say in the past when it has clashed with DD1 or DD3's bds. I knew nothing of the break until Christmas Day, by which stage it was clearly a done deal.

SIL doesn't go, it's usually a dads and their gals event. I don't object to them going but to not being asked about it first. Not for permission but out of respect. I never plan anything without checking with him first.

SIL and BIL have 'form'. SIL alienated her sisters and parents by bossing them around 'You should....' is her catch phrase. She's reduced MIL to tears over comments over her housekeeping etc but she's more than happy to ask them to move across the country to help out with childcare etc. I decided I'd had enough when they both verbally attacked me in my own home. DP is the sort of person who will only see and hear if he wants to. Will avoid conflict at all costs, which I do find particularly weak and frustrating.

you say he usually takes them but normally discusses it first - maybe he though because its been a regular thing previously theres no need to speak about it. you seem to be making a mountain over a molehill, just speak to him about it and stop the silly games.

So I asked commented in a very neutral tone that I was disappointed that a whole week of the Easter hols was booked out without any kind of discussion.
DP just avoided my gaze, muttered something about 'oh yes, suppose I should have checked in with you' and then said nothing more but made himself scarce for the rest of the evening. Bloody teenager....
I wouldn't have minded being asked, or even a direct glance and a proper apology but he hates to admit he's in the wrong even when it's a blatant mess-up.

He threw a huge hissy fit last year when some dates got changed at the last minute and it affected his plans. Even though it wasn't my fault and I came up with numerous alternatives he was still cross with me and then he goes and does this.
FWIW eldest DD doesn't really want to go, as she doesn't like way BIL speaks to her, I'll still have the dogs to look after so can't go out for long myself, or overnight. And I think it's too long for youngest DD. She's fine for 3-4 nights but any longer and she starts to get sad.

Your whole relationship sounds like a nightmare tbh, this is just a symptom of an inability to communicate properly and put the needs of your children ahead of silly squabbles and tit for tat.