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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if I should say something or keep quiet?

66 replies

crapholes · 05/01/2014 19:07

(it's a bit long, feel free to skip it!)

Mil has made me cross this afternoon. She has become increasingly irritating over the years anyway and I'm still wound up over her behaviour whilst here to stay over New Year (they went home Wednesday, was the longest 50 hours of my life), but today she has really pissed me off.

Background. Dh is a teacher. Subject lead in a science subject. They had a new head this year who is keen to prove himself and last term was particularly stressful. He works long hours and bloody hard but he enjoys the teaching and he's good at it. He has totally managed to relax over the holidays and is looking human again He's back to it tomorrow.

This afternoon, firstly she sent him a blank text, so he replied to tell her so. She sent another, saying her message was too long and was it convenient to chat? Dh didn't have time to reply before she rang anyway so wtf was the point of the question?! It wasn't convenient, but she just talked over dh when he tried to tell her so (as usual).

But now the crux. Mil has chosen today to ring him and talk to him about how crappy and stressful his career choice is, how it puts his health at risk and is no good for him and that it's incompatible with family life (her main problem I suspect is that during term time we refuse to schlep 5 hours + up the motorway to see them because there simply isn't time). AIBU to think that at the very least that is fucking unsupportive?! Dh has now lost his last holiday evening of feeling carefree because she felt the need to stick her oar in and now his stress levels are back up.

I hope I am never so mean to my own children.

WIBU to email her and let her know what I think? Can't call her, suspect there'd be no coming back from any 'conversation' that may occur. Also suspect she's pissed yet again so wouldn't remember anyway.

OP posts:

Bodypopper · 05/01/2014 22:03

she soon got put in her place by her dil

What a sad littie sentence.

Topaz25 · 05/01/2014 22:16

There's a difference between discussing his career and criticising it. He is an adult and his mother should respect his choices. And her timing couldn't have been worse. Definitely don't email her or get involved though, IME she will just see that as interfering or coming between them and then she will only cause your DH more stress. Just support him to stand up for himself.

cjel · 05/01/2014 22:19

I had my H in hospital with pulmonary embolisms and really stressed and had things going on with dd and ds at the same time and my MIL used to ring me up and say I needed to look after him better,even though it was hereditary from her.

I never 'put her in her place' what a horrid thing to say.
Hope you never worry about your son Mowbray.

LividofLondon · 05/01/2014 22:25

Just because someone phones it doesn't mean the call must be answered. Caller ID is wonderful; if you know someone has form for rambling or winding up, then ignore their call if you don't have the time, inclination or patience to chat to them. Call them back when it's convenient for you. It's really simple and effective, and I have no idea why some people are such slaves to their phones. Just ignore the bloody things, save your sanity, don't chat to someone you don't want to chat to right then, don't miss the first few minutes of that TV programme you want to watch, etc

Topaz25 · 05/01/2014 22:35

cjel, that sounds awful, I can understand her ringing up lots to check he was ok, but to blame you?! You're a saint, I couldn't deal with that.

Topaz25 · 05/01/2014 22:36

Forgot to say, I hope your DH is ok now.

Weller · 05/01/2014 22:39

I was stressed in my previous employment and it was my mother that told me I was taking to much on and that I did not have to keep accepting extra workload. To be stressed is sometimes not taken seriously enough and when do you intervene and say something has to change is it before or after the breakdown. She probably was more tactful than the ops Mil though.

Bodypopper · 05/01/2014 22:43

I expect cjel understood, being a mother herself and an adult, that her mil was both worried bloody sick about her son and guilty as it was hereditary from her.

When you have grown up children and also have to deal with elderly parents and pil who can be difficult but vulnerable you sometimes feel it's the hardest time of your life.

Because it is.

Hope your dh is ok ciel

Dollydishus · 05/01/2014 23:11

Great posts Bodypopper. Well said.

Bodypopper · 05/01/2014 23:27

Thanks dolly.

cjel · 06/01/2014 08:36

Morning, H is ok from that but now EX!!! thats a whole other story.

givemeaclue · 06/01/2014 08:38

Ignore it.

When my dcs were born DM told DH he would have to change jobs as his hours were too long.....re, it ain't that easy and he didn't want to!

Note to selves for future, don't answer phone when you don't want to. You don't have to respond to her beck and call. Just text back, busy evening will call you soon.

cjel · 06/01/2014 08:42

GIVEME. To speak to a concerned parent is not being at their beck and call and just maybe these parents are right that we should take easier working hours when their children are small. It may not be that easy but perhaps they should want to put more into their dcs lives than they are.

givemeaclue · 06/01/2014 08:56

In this case, the dh spent his last free evening on phone to his dm. That is not supportive behaviour. There are upsides to being a teacher eg the longer holidays. And does dm have any positive suggestions as to alternate careers? No, just carping about current one. It is not that easy to switch careers. In my case, dh loves his job, does tonnes with the dcs, is home by 7 and is free all weekend.

In case of op the timing, lengthy of call etc were all inappropriate. I personally wouldn't have answered the phone.

DoJo · 06/01/2014 11:23

If your husband didn't see fit to tell his mother that he didn't want to have the conversation with her, then you can't really complain that she should have known not to bring up the topic for conversation. You are all adults and need to manage your own relationships with one another yourselves - I don't see how you joining the fray and levelling accusations will help in this instance.

BabyMummy29 · 06/01/2014 16:53

There's a bog difference between being concerned for you grown up children's welfare and interfering in their lives.

My mother chose my school subjects for me and told me what careers were suitable for me and I can't forgive her for that. So when she tries to talk to me like I am still a child I do put her in her place

My children received advice from me but chose their own way in life so that they could never feel the resentment for a parent that I do;

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