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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if I should say something or keep quiet?

66 replies

crapholes · 05/01/2014 19:07

(it's a bit long, feel free to skip it!)

Mil has made me cross this afternoon. She has become increasingly irritating over the years anyway and I'm still wound up over her behaviour whilst here to stay over New Year (they went home Wednesday, was the longest 50 hours of my life), but today she has really pissed me off.

Background. Dh is a teacher. Subject lead in a science subject. They had a new head this year who is keen to prove himself and last term was particularly stressful. He works long hours and bloody hard but he enjoys the teaching and he's good at it. He has totally managed to relax over the holidays and is looking human again Smile He's back to it tomorrow.

This afternoon, firstly she sent him a blank text, so he replied to tell her so. She sent another, saying her message was too long and was it convenient to chat? Dh didn't have time to reply before she rang anyway Hmm so wtf was the point of the question?! It wasn't convenient, but she just talked over dh when he tried to tell her so (as usual).

But now the crux. Mil has chosen today to ring him and talk to him about how crappy and stressful his career choice is, how it puts his health at risk and is no good for him and that it's incompatible with family life (her main problem I suspect is that during term time we refuse to schlep 5 hours + up the motorway to see them because there simply isn't time). AIBU to think that at the very least that is fucking unsupportive?! Dh has now lost his last holiday evening of feeling carefree because she felt the need to stick her oar in and now his stress levels are back up.

I hope I am never so mean to my own children.

WIBU to email her and let her know what I think? Can't call her, suspect there'd be no coming back from any 'conversation' that may occur. Also suspect she's pissed yet again so wouldn't remember anyway.

OP posts:
cjel · 05/01/2014 20:12

BABYMUMMY. I don't know how old your dcs are but mine are 32 and 30 and I worry about them the same as I did when they were babies. Its very sad if I stop being a dm just because they have passed a certain age.

Salmotrutta · 05/01/2014 20:15

Thing is OP you never stop worrying about your offspring - no matter how old they are.

Perhaps she was clumsy but maybe she was/is genuinely concerned about him?

Salmotrutta · 05/01/2014 20:16

And washer cjel said! Grin

Bodypopper · 05/01/2014 20:16

cjel couldn't agree more.

In fact hate to break it to those of you with littlies but this really IS the easiest part of your being a parent.

It's when they are teens and upwards that you really really worry.

That's when life really does get hard and you really understand exactly how your parents and inlaws tick.

Salmotrutta · 05/01/2014 20:16

"Washer"??

what

BabyMummy29 · 05/01/2014 20:18

Mine are in their twenties cjel

I have found it a great comfort to be able to come on MN and have a good rant and receive advice from other people.

The problem I have is that I live in a very small place and if I don't set the record straight people will believe any gossip they hear and add things to it without bothering to find out the truth,

I am currently in the middle of another "situation" with mother and sister, so am all set for another confrontation Sad

Viviennemary · 05/01/2014 20:19

It sounds as if she is very concerned about his stress and what you have said she has cause to be. But I quite understand why you feel she is interfering and spoiled your DH's last night. I'm not one who usually says say nothing but on this occasion I think I would leave it for the time being.

Ragwort · 05/01/2014 20:19

cjel - but would you phone your grown up children and tell them that you thought they had made a bad choice of career? You might phone them for a general chat and ask 'how's things?' but surely you wouldn't give your opinion on such matters (unless specifically asked).

I am constantly amazed on Mumsnet about how so many 'grown-ups' take such abuse from their parents, your DH needs to grow a back bone, he is a teacher for goodness sake, he shound end the conversation before it gets nearly anywhere like the criticism she is giving him.

But yes, stay out of it.

BIWI · 05/01/2014 20:20

So. Let me get this straight. Your DH is working such a stressful job that it makes him look ill. Only now, some two weeks after term has ended is he looking 'human'.

His mother comes to stay over the festive period, (so you weren't forced to schlep for over 5 hours to see her,) sees him looking so ill, and then rings him to express her concern about the impact his job is having on him.

And you want to call her and tell her she is being mean and unsupportive?

Just try, for a nanosecond, putting yourself in her place. Imagine it was one of your children. If you were worried about your child, wouldn't you want to talk to them about it? Just because her child has married you doesn't stop her having the right to be worried about him, to love him and to want to talk to him about her concerns.

And as for your asides about her being selfish and pissed Hmm. Bloody hell, woman - just think about what you've said in your OP.

Yes. YABVbloodyU.

Beautifulbabyboy · 05/01/2014 20:20

Cjel, I agree.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 05/01/2014 20:22

If his stress levels are back up, then does this mean his job is indeed very stressful?

Has she observed him seeming really stressed out? Is she actually simply genuinely worried?

Beautifulbabyboy · 05/01/2014 20:23

I agree BIWI

Bodypopper · 05/01/2014 20:25

Biwi absolutely

Ragwort it's a small step to express concern at her sons career as it made him so stressed and ill to say its a crap career choice. Totally depends on the actual words spoken.

.

cjel · 05/01/2014 20:25

Ragwort, yes I have a brilliant open relationship with my dcs and their partners and I do chat about the stress they are living under and whether they have other options, I can't imagine ever saying that the career choice is wrong and making it a critical thing like you are suggesting but yes I know its weird, but as I said being their dm hasn't stopped because they are married. I had them and their dcs in today for an 'end of christmas' lunch and we did chat about all sorts of things - even around which ones of their dcs they would keep and which ones they would sell so they could get some sleepSmile

ocelot41 · 05/01/2014 20:28

I think its a generational thing - my parents and ILs are regularly horrified at how stressed out we both are at work. And they have a point - work has got to the point when it is demanding in quite an inhuman manner for many people.

But where are these well-paid, intellectually stimulating yet manageable jobs, where managers are fine to let you leave early enough to make tea at 5 or 6 pm and don't mind in the slightest if you need a week off without notice to care for sick kids? I don't know anyone who has one!

Sweetishdelight · 05/01/2014 20:31

YABU. his mother, his problem. Your job is to support him, not do it for him. BTW it is not unreasonable for her to expect a term time visit even if if is a long drive: once a term wouldn't be too much to ask. Teaching is not the most stressful job in the universe .... and I speak from direct experience

Ragwort · 05/01/2014 20:33

I agree it totally depends on the tone and language used but I do see a lot of parents 'over involved' in their childrens' lives and I don't think it does anyone any favours. It is very hard to accept criticism from your parents (even when done really nicely Grin) and it is a very fine line between being 'helpful' and being 'critical'. I see my parents' friends (they are all in their 80s Grin) still being over involved in their childrens' lives and I just want to scream 'back off - let people make their own decisions'. My mother would love to have 'in depth' discussions with me about my life and life choices but quite frankly, in my mid 50s, I just don't want to have those sorts of chats with her !!

Beautifulbabyboy · 05/01/2014 20:37

Ragwort - that's not nice. I really hope my children never feel that way. I talk to my mother and my mother in law as friends, because that is what they are. The blood link is just a nice extra bonus.

LoonvanBoon · 05/01/2014 20:37

I agree with Bodypopper that a lot does hinge on the actual words that were used. Based on the OP, though - & I guess her DH told her in some detail what his mum said - it doesn't sound like the MIL WAS really showing much concern for her son.

Telling him - that's what the OP said - that he'd made a crap career choice that basically wasn't good for him or his family life - isn't that quite a long way removed from saying: "You seem so tired & stressed, I can't help worrying about the effect your job's having on you"?

The timing DOES matter too. I know a fair few teachers - one of my parents was one, as well as my DH - & the last day before a new term is never going to be a good time for this type of conversation. The MIL in this case will be aware of this, if she generally shows an interest in her son's work.

I do get that parents never stop worrying, but if you're really worried about someone, do you normally behave in a way that will pile on the stress at the worst possible time? The MIL was staying with OP & her DH over New Year - surely it would have been better to bring up the subject in a more relaxed way then?

TheGreatHunt · 05/01/2014 20:40

YABU

She's his mother. He has the relationship with her - he should tell her why it was the wrong time. However I suspect that he needed to hear it and must have his head in the sand if that made him more stressed.

cjel · 05/01/2014 20:40

I'm not overly involved. I am only 53Smile I have very full independent life. They come to me, for chats, company,babysitting etc. I think it is natural to want to get advice and support from people who have been through it.
We are not dinosaurs - Very successful business people - but there are always other options, dd has retrained, DS works for himself after we helpd him with costs to retrain, They are very aware from our example of life choices of how it is possible to have good career and family life.
I find it odd that you feel they might not want to be close to their parents.

I am not in there pockets and nearly always wait for them to contact me but do invite every few weeks for family meal if I haven't seen them.

storynanny · 05/01/2014 20:43

Reay difficult but overall I agree best not to say anything. Remember that once yuo have said something, anything, you can never unsay it.
I agree with those who say parenting is hardest when they are young adults! I struggle with empty nest syndrome and worry about what not to say in case it is unwanted or misinterpreted and ends up on a thread here entitled can you believe what my mil has just said/done!
Just let it pass and enjoy your last holiday night

Bodypopper · 05/01/2014 20:55

Yes like cjel I have 2 grown up sons and 2 teens.

We are all close but not in each others pockets. There is a difference.

If one of my kids was so stressed I would definatly chat to them as we have been there, dh was on medication for anxiety so we have experience. We love them and care for them. That won't stop until we die.

My dm and df do 'worry' about us too and do sometimes offer advice but it's ours to ignore or accept. I don't begrudge them their penny worth.

Everyone likes to be needed and wanted in their children's lives, that's not so terrible is it? Of course there's a line but to me the only crime here is bad timing from mil.

Op if your dh is THAT stressed then maybe the job isn't fur him. My dh changed his and had another successful career.

VoteYes · 05/01/2014 21:03

Phineyj Really? I think that is a bit extreme.

OP to be honest, she is his Mum and is maybe just concerned? She may not have gone about it the right way but I would guess her heart is in the right place. If you DH isn't happy, let him deal with it. Don't think it's your place.

mowbraygirl · 05/01/2014 21:37

My SIL worries about her DS's and their work the youngest one works in further education down in Cornwall and has to travel about to other colleges and she thinks that is awful as it too much for him etc. she rang up one day and was telling her DIL that she thought he was under a lot of stress I am afraid she soon got put in her place by the DIL.

Hopefully for the OP's DH once the new Head settles in to the routine of the school and the staff get used to his way of leading the school things will quieten down.

My DF was also a teacher in further education and life can be stressful at times and I also help out a SN teacher at our local Secondary School and at times she has been under a lot of stress.