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Original poster

More of a wwyd regarding IL's referring to unborn baby as 'granddaughter'

77 replies

AmberSweet · 05/01/2014 17:36

Even though we are having a boy? Ok tbf to them they don't know we are having a boy (their decision, they wanted it to be a surprise) except it's not really a surprise if they've decided already that baby is a girl?

Everything is 'My granddaughter' and 'She'. DP does correct them and say 'baby' or as horrible as it sounds 'it' but they insist on saying 'she' because MIL just KNOWS that baby is a girl.

The most annoying part is that they were really against us finding out the sex. They said it would spoil things and were really quite pushy and insistent on the matter to the point where DP changed his mind and didn't want to know either until our 20 scan when he changed his mind again and did want to find out (I wanted to know but said that I was happy enough to keep it a surprise if he really didn't want to know). PIL don't know that we found out (because DP didn't want to get a earful from them Hmm).

So wwyd? It's so hard for me to know scream at them 'He's a boy!' Everytime they go on! Tbh this isn't the first issue I've had with them over the pregnancy so I'm kind of at the end of my tether anyways. I'm 22 weeks, uncomfortable and quite emotional. Working part time and have a 6 year old Ds so also tired. I just want it to stop!

OP posts:
IHaveSeenMyHat · 05/01/2014 19:23

Just to add: their "right" to a surprise is cancelled out by your right to a relaxed pregnancy with minimal grandparent gender nonsense.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/01/2014 19:43

"they point blank refuse to believe it may be a boy which makes me (and dp) worry about what the reaction will be when he's born"

And there's the rub. I would tell her it's going to be a boy, not to piss her off or to see the look on her face, but to prepare her for the inevitable. You could do it kindly (I was worried you might waste money buying pink things and then be unable to get your money back [subtext - don't even think about giving me pink things]) or you could point out how rude she is being (you didn't want to know but you keep insisting it's a girl; it is a boy and your insistence is upsetting me).

Better to do it now so she can realign her head to reality, rather than have her pissing you off even more post-birth.

And yes, your DH needs to grow a spine. If his mother is this much of a PITA over things she cannot control, how much more will she be over something she can influence? Nip her behaviour in the bud, preferably next time you see her. You don't need the stress of biting your tongue all the time.

HaroldTheGoat · 05/01/2014 19:46

MIL went on and on and on about how she couldn't possibly understand why anyone would find out the sex.

Well, that's because I am not you!

I'd just tell her, it's not her baby and not her surprise. It's your baby and you wanted to find out. She is being rude.

FryOneFatManic · 05/01/2014 19:48

My mum was very insistent that it was a surprise for her.

First time, DP and I decided not to ask, and DD was born.

2nd time, we wanted to know so we could sort out some stuff in advance. DP couldn't manage to get to the scan so I took mum, and when I was asked if I wanted to know, mum said she was going to leave the room so she didn't find out.

However, as soon as I came out, having been told, she asked how the baby was and I instinctively replied "he's fine" Grin So much for keeping a secret.

I found that once you know it's very difficult, as I was always tempted to refer to baby as "he".

But ultimately, I know dad effectively told mum to get a grip, that it was our baby and if we, the parents, wanted to find out, then that was that, it wasn't about her and what she wanted.

foreverondiet · 05/01/2014 19:55

I would have a word to them and ask them to stop referring to the baby as a girl. If they don't comply then let it slip accidentally on purpose.

Or could your DS say, "but granny, the baby is a boy, we saw on the scan"

Writerwannabe83 · 05/01/2014 19:57

Why on earth are you tiptoeing around them??

You are both adults, it's your pregnancy, your baby, your choice.

Just tell them it's a boy - stop worrying about their wants and needs and just enjoy your pregnancy with your husband as you should be.

Bodypopper · 05/01/2014 20:04

This secrecy would drive me mad and all the tip toeing in egg shells. Life is far too short. It's a boy, tell them it's a boy, end of.

Up thread someone said it's not so magical to find out the sex? That's crap, we didn't know with our first 2 and it's a pita as you can't plan. We insisted on dc3 and 4 as practically we needed to know.

I felt closer to the last 2 in my pregnancies as they became people to me rather than the baby. Iycwim.

pianodoodle · 05/01/2014 20:11

PIL don't know that we found out (because DP didn't want to get a earful from them)

Whose baby is it again?

Personally I'd say tough luck to a partner trying to make me tiptoe around his parents like that. I wouldn't be pandering to them even if he wanted to.

I'd also be telling them the sex at the very first opportunity. They sound like dicks.

I'd be doing it to prepare them... but also to piss them off massively because I'm mean and would take great pleasure in annoying people who carried on like this.. Grin

RaRa1988 · 05/01/2014 20:14

I'd be FUMING with this! I'd tell them - and I'd enjoy ruining their surprise Grin. How rude they are.

Original poster
AmberSweet · 06/01/2014 12:32

Wow thanks everyone for your replies I wasn't expecting so many! I do feel much better about the situation now that I know it's not just me being irrational. I had a chat with DP last night about it all and basically said that if they didn't stop then I'd just tell them because it's really starting to piss me off.

OP posts:
youretoastmildred · 06/01/2014 12:38

I don't think you should tell them you have medically found out. I think you should give them some "mother's intuition" bullshit because she will dismiss it, and be really pissed off when your little boy is born.

Congratulations on your new baby!

CommanderShepard · 06/01/2014 12:45

I'd tell them. If they've already decided the baby is a girl, they can't reasonably be upset if you know different.

I appreciate we may not be dealing with reason, however.

fluffyraggies · 06/01/2014 12:52

Good OP.

I agree with the posters who are saying treading on eggshells round them at this stage in YOUR pregnancy with YOUR baby is paving the way for future problems.

It may not seem a big deal right now to some, but it's risking starting a pattern of tip toeing round the GPs wants and needs at the expense of you and your DHs own.

AngelaDaviesHair · 06/01/2014 13:05

Don't tell them ! Let them buy the pink stuff! Then cackle evilly.

flowery · 06/01/2014 13:11

Why on earth would DP get an earful for finding out the sex of his own baby? How utterly bizarre!

My parents didn't want to know with either of our two, which is fine. We did, so we found out, and just didn't tell them. Why on earth would they have a problem with us finding out, as long as we didn't tell them!

TheRealAmandaClarke · 06/01/2014 13:16

Yes you'retoastmildred excellent plan.

FryOneFatManic · 06/01/2014 13:18

Flowery seems OP's DP would get an earful as his parents want the surprise. No regard for how the actual parents of the child feel.

Wevet · 06/01/2014 13:27

Jesus, tell them! Whose actual baby is this, anyway??? Maybe suggest they start going to swingers' parties or bell-ringing or something if their life currently revolves around a 'surprise' which is never all that surprising, really, being either a boy or a girl!

SolitudeSometimesIs · 06/01/2014 15:58

Don't get annoyed, use it as a money making opportunity.

"Oh MIL, I bet you 300 quid it's a boy"

Baby is born and kerching!

Not terribly helpful I know.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 06/01/2014 16:07

Tell them you "accidentally" saw something when you had the scan which means it's unmistakably a boy!!

TheFabulousIdiot · 06/01/2014 16:13

WWID? I would tell them it's a boy.

CokeFan · 06/01/2014 16:20

My mum was insistent that she didn't want to find out the sex of our first DC before it was born. She then spent the next 15 weeks looking at our scan pictures and saying "I think it's a girl - yes, definitely" and basically guessing (she knew that we knew) and being very annoying. In the end she found out because she said something to DH and he asked her if I'd confirmed she was going to be a girl. All her own fault - and it meant she'd missed out on any discussions of potential names.

This time she's accepted she'd find out when we did (because we have a big-mouthed 5 year old Grin).

It sounds like they're going to start buying pink stuff if they haven't already so probably best to "accidentally" let it slip.

TodgerDodger · 06/01/2014 16:28

I'd take all the things they've bought for their grandchild before he was born and then insist on dressing him in all the pink stuff because it would be a shame to waste it.

I'd love to see her expression if you did that.

NewtRipley · 06/01/2014 17:09

I love that you'retoastmildred. Covers everything nicely.

oscarwilde · 06/01/2014 17:24

Have some fun instead Grin It will do wonders for your blood pressure.

You could say that you're considered James/George/Adam etc for a boy but if it's a girl, it's definitely going to be Ambrosine/Erminia/Faustina.... then refer to the bump as Ambrosine whenever you are in her presence Grin