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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL from hell

63 replies

piplypip · 04/01/2014 23:24

I've had enough of her! We used to get on fine but since I became a full time mum- I cant take her any more. She is not a stereotypical GP (who is?) so none of the advice pages have anything to offer. She annoys me so much that the mere mention of her sets my teeth on edge and means hubby and I spend the weekend arguing.
She is very controlling and manipulative and very difficult to argue with. I hate arguments and prefer to be all polite and English about it until it all gets too much and then burst into tears and have a go at hubby.
She has never tried to help me since having my son instead she used to bring bag loads of her own laundry (her machine broken) and invite her friends round to meet the baby (2wks old).
He is now 19mnth and we have learned to tactfully say no- but there is always another issue brewing that we have to say no to eg extended family (younger cousins of my hubby) using our house as their uk hotel when they come over from Spain for London shopping trips etc.
Also- she is obsessed with ironing my husbands shirts. What's with that???! Forget making a tired, breastfeeding new mum a cup of tea...no out comes the ironing board, tells me off for not weeding the garden enough and goes on about how her poor son is working too hard (as hard as an up all night new mum?? I dont think so). Oh g=d, I have a son..please dont let me become this woman.
Please dont tell me I should feel lucky for the ironing.
Advice please.

OP posts:

HaroldTheGoat · 05/01/2014 00:11

Oh god this resonated a little bit.

I use an ironing service MIL gives me this face and says "i used to take a pride in ironing for my family"

Fancy that on your gravestone.

here lies Harold, she did a lot of ironing,

Just fuck off!

My aunty was a MIL from hell, and when my cousin and his wife split up, she looked at me and said "you know she didn't used to separate his darks and whites"

Original poster

piplypip · 05/01/2014 00:17

That sounds like you've had a tough 30 years Salmotrutta.

My MIL also tries to control the big stuff in our lives too eg where we live, what car we should buy etc but oddly its the little things that seem to set me on edge more than anything else. I feel pretty confident about making big decisions and saying no to that sort of control. Its the little day to day gripes that are difficult to battle with for me as they are constant and its difficult to say no to someone standing in your kitchen rather than via email about house choices etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

piplypip · 05/01/2014 00:19

Oh Harold!! You have made me smile on such a miserable evening after rowing about MIL. Thank you. That darks and whites thing is a corker.

OP posts:

figgypuddings · 05/01/2014 00:22

Your MIL sounds like she needs to be busy elsewhere and you need your space. Could you both talk to her to make boundaries clear?
Speak to your dh and make a list of the things which cross your boundaries.
Could your MIL do some voluntary work with people her own age?

HaroldTheGoat · 05/01/2014 00:23

I know what you mean though. I've had big issues with MIL which I leave DP to deal with and I always maintain a friendly relationship.

But buggery it's hard at times.

Classic so far is "tell mummy she needs to clean under her toaster" when I had given birth 2 days before and the baby was in SCBU and we didn't know what was wrong and I was rushing about to get in to the hospital.

How I managed not to shove that toaster up her arse is a mystery to me but I did the adult thing of going into a separate room and flicking v signs at her through the wall.

AngelaDaviesHair · 05/01/2014 00:23

Stop biting your tongue and start talking to her. Have things out there and then, politely and firmly.

And let the cousins know they have to find B&Bs in future. Get DH to talk to them directly, don't let MIL be the conduit.

wouldbemedic · 05/01/2014 00:23

salmon - ha! who wouldn't feel their MIL was 'truly' difficult while everyone was else's was just a bit misunderstood. Nothing that your MIL has done sounds that bad actually. Controlling, yes, but no more so than having your kitchen turned into a jam factory.

My MIL is a truly difficult woman, of course. At my wedding, she wanted us to seat her mother with my parents' friends. My mother said no, on the basis that the siblings would be deeply hurt. MIL appeared to agree, then nipped up after the wedding ceremony and made huge changes to the seating plan, shifting chairs from one table to another and laying new places. I could go on all night. We ended up stepping away from the relationship in the end, very decorously you'll be pleased to hear salmon :)

Hopasholic · 05/01/2014 00:24

Mil phoned this morning and asked DH if she wanted him to drive down with some sandwiches for him to take to the away match

Fortunately he told her he was more than capable of making his own fecking sandwiches him being in his forties!

Why does she think she can start cooking in your kitchen without your permission?
Did all these Mils go to the same finishing school of how to make your Dils life a misery?

RubyGoat · 05/01/2014 00:26

The darks & whites thing made me smile. The episode with the toaster & flicking V signs has made me snigger & nearly wake up DH. (I won't be popular!)

Batmam · 05/01/2014 00:27

Harold you made me laugh out loud at each of your posts, thank you!

Salmotrutta · 05/01/2014 00:32

wouldbemedic - what I've listed may not sound that bad but trust me when you have an upset DD telling you that her granny keeps nagging her about her career choice every time she sees her, and a beyond-angry DS who wants to cut all ties with his Granny for her interfering it's worse than you think.

I also haven't detailed some of the rather comments she has made over the years - they are very "recognisable" and would out me because I have discussed them with friends in RL.

Original poster

piplypip · 05/01/2014 00:32

Hopasholic- mine always brings round sausages and ham for hubby as Im a veggie and she worries he's not getting enough meat. She also likes to bring round loads of packets of food that are just about to go off. Random stuff that has been reduced in the supermarkets and 'needs to be eaten tonight'.

I think there is a MIL finishing school or maybe all mothers of sons become like this to sadistically get our own back for all the years of pain being a downtrodden DIL. Please dont let me...

OP posts:

HaroldTheGoat · 05/01/2014 00:32

I have two sons, I am a little worried that I will be the sandwich offering MIL!

I will absolutely not be an ironing MIL that's for sure.

Salmotrutta · 05/01/2014 00:32

rather horrible comments I meant to write!

Batmam · 05/01/2014 00:39

Figgy that is exactly what I need to do with my MIL, but the mere mention of boundaries would sent her into meltdown and ruin what's left of our relationship. She definitely has too much time on her hands and I've often thought that she has a lot to give as a volunteer, but I've no idea how to bring this up with her without her getting massively offended. I am also worried about her health, she is overweight and I think she may be depressed but every time I offer for her to come for a walk and some fresh air with me and dd she declines and tries to stop us from going. I really think that becoming more active would help her but again, don't know how to suggest it...

Caff2 · 05/01/2014 00:39

I'd love to see her side.

HaroldTheGoat · 05/01/2014 00:41

There will be a thread in gransnet soon "DIL keeps spurning my jam"

Caff2 · 05/01/2014 00:44

My mum and my MIL both do things that irritate me a bit sometimes. I take it better from one than the other. Guess which one?

As a mother of two sons, I'm scared of being a MIL sometimes, reading these threads!

Dubjackeen · 05/01/2014 00:46

How I managed not to shove that toaster up her arse is a mystery to me but I did the adult thing of going into a separate room and flicking v signs at her through the wall.
This cracked me up laughing. . Brilliant.

Monka · 05/01/2014 01:13

My DH never stood up to his mum saying she's old and we can't possibly hurt her feelings etc so in the end I just had it out with her. It just happened to be the second day after my csection and in front of my poor SIL in hospital. I wasn't rude just firm. And I felt loads better for it. Yes, it should have been my DH to do it but I couldn't take any more of her crap.

Weirdly we actually have a better relationship now. Mil wants to see her GC at least once a week (which she does) and we get on better now that she knows I won't be pushed around. I think she suspects that I might stop her seeing her GC but I wouldn't as she really loves my dd and is a good grandmother.

echt · 05/01/2014 02:41

I'm wondering if the OP could send round all the shirts direct to the MIL's house for the ironing. :o

I say this as someone who does not iron DH's shirts. I stopped doing it as soon as I saw he didn't do DD's clothes as well as he did his shirts. I've now stopped ironing DD's things as she's 18, so I'm getting there.

Back to the OP. I'd say: "Gee whiz, thanks for the ironing. You know what, I can't be arsed. Here's the weeder for the garden. Where's the gin?" Pile on the thanks, and the ironing. Let her drown in your oleaginous, gushing gratitude.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 05/01/2014 02:45

she comes round to yours a lot doesn't she - does she love close?

salsmum · 05/01/2014 03:55

My MIL really was the MIL from hell and reminded me throughout my marriage to late hubby how much she really liked his previous GF who was 'one of us' and was very hurtful with her words. Strangely when she got a Dementia she was ok with me (I think she'd forgotten how much she didn't like me!!) My tongue was constantly sore with chunks bitten out of it where I tried to keep the peace. Now she has passed away I'm sure she is 'somewhere nice and hot' not Australia for all her sins!

CadleCrap · 05/01/2014 05:45

Arf @I did the adult thing of going into a separate room and flicking v signs at her through the wall

sykadelic15 · 05/01/2014 06:39

Ahh it's the subtle digs that you look petty for pointing out... I know all about that.

People telling you you're being unreasonable but it all adds up.

You're not being unreasonable though.

Is she living with you? If so, perhaps it's time to give her notice. Does she have a key? If so change the locks. Tell her she needs to give notice before popping over and keep the doors locked. If you're not in the mood, tell her now isn't a good time. If she starts cooking stuff, stop her before she starts. If you miss the start, tell her to take it home or turn it off. Tell her to do her dishes before she leaves, give her a call remind her he forgot to do them (so she doesn't get away with it).

If ANYONE pops by and you're not in the mood, tell them now isn't a good time, they should have called. Do NOT let them in the doorway, step outside for a second if you have to.

As for people staying over, if you're not asked tell them yuo weren't asked and it's not convenient. If you ARE asked, tell them it's not convenient.

Essentially, you just need to start to feel stronger. People won't like it at first, they'll resist the change from getting their way all the time to not, but they'll adapt.

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