MIL from hell

[piplypip]

I've had enough of her! We used to get on fine but since I became a full time mum- I cant take her any more. She is not a stereotypical GP (who is?) so none of the advice pages have anything to offer. She annoys me so much that the mere mention of her sets my teeth on edge and means hubby and I spend the weekend arguing.
She is very controlling and manipulative and very difficult to argue with. I hate arguments and prefer to be all polite and English about it until it all gets too much and then burst into tears and have a go at hubby.
She has never tried to help me since having my son instead she used to bring bag loads of her own laundry (her machine broken) and invite her friends round to meet the baby (2wks old).
He is now 19mnth and we have learned to tactfully say no- but there is always another issue brewing that we have to say no to eg extended family (younger cousins of my hubby) using our house as their uk hotel when they come over from Spain for London shopping trips etc.
Also- she is obsessed with ironing my husbands shirts. What's with that???! Forget making a tired, breastfeeding new mum a cup of tea...no out comes the ironing board, tells me off for not weeding the garden enough and goes on about how her poor son is working too hard (as hard as an up all night new mum?? I dont think so). Oh g=d, I have a son..please dont let me become this woman.
Please dont tell me I should feel lucky for the ironing.
Advice please.

[EllaFitzgerald]

What would happen if, the next time she starts getting pans out to make jam, you firmly say 'No, you're not making any more jam in my kitchen, you never wash up after yourself and it always end up in the bin because none of us are that keen on it'

Or the next time she brings round food that's within hours of its use by date, say 'Thank you for the thought, but I'm afraid you've wasted your money as we've got dinner sorted for tonight. Do you want to eat it for dinner or shall I pop it in our bin?

Or the next time she starts moaning about the garden not being weeded, laugh and say 'I'm sure gardening wasn't your top priority when DH was a baby, and if it was, then we obviously have different priorities'. Or if her MIL is still with you, tell her you'll bring the topic of gardening up next time you see her and ask how well your MIL got on with it when she'd just had a baby.

I have to be honest, I think I'd let her crack on with the ironing though! I do sympathise, but she's doing it because she hasn't been told it's unacceptable behaviour. Your DH obviously isn't going to tell her that so it has to come from you. You don't need to fall out with her over it, just adopt a firm, no nonsense approach. If she suggests Spanish relatives checking into the Hotel du Pip, the only answer is 'No, absolutely not. I'm not even prepared to discuss it'. And then change the subject. She won't like it, because she's been allowed to get away with it up until now, but carry on standing your ground and she'll eventually get the message that you won't tolerate her behaviour.
And if you just don't feel up to the battle, leave details about emigrating to Australia lying around!

[HaroldTheGoat]

Totally, the petty digs.

I read on a different thread which was good advice if someone says a petty dig pretend you didn't hear and say nicely what was that ?

I think it makes people think a bit more about what they said.

[saintlyjimjams]

Set your boundaries. Just do it, firmly but politely. It took my MIL & I years to establish our boundaries - I had to give a bit as well - but we get on a lot better now.

[CecilyP]

It wouldn't bother me about the ironing, some people even pay an ironing lady to do the ironing for them and I would be tempted to say about how much money this is saving you; (Even if you would never in a million years have an ironing lady) OTOH, nobody pays anyone to come into and make a mess of their kitchen making quantities of jam that they won't be able to eat, so would follow Ella's advice about that one, or just come out and say that you don't even like jam. Also be up-front that you won't be able to use the sell by date food and suggest she takes it home with her.

You also have to be firm about her not inviting other people to stay in your home. That is absolutely not on. If she wants to provide a free holiday for various relatives, that is up to her but she should invite them to her own home - not yours.

[monkeysox]

Mine "I'm not a lazy bastard" when I asked if they were Getting dishwasher in their new kitchen.

My aunt's mil "well you have to keep ontop of your ironing" this was a matter of weeks since her grandson had passed away.

I have a son omg will I turn evil and bonkers once he's married?

[Hoppinggreen]

Is she Spanish?
Appologies if not but if so I think there may be cultural differences at play here. Spanish people don't necessarily have the same boundaries as us, they would think it was a bit odd for the whole family NOT to be allowed to crash at your house if they were in the area. Her focus will be her son, in many traditional Spanish families the men are the focus and the women rush around looking after them, hence the obsession with shirts rather than you.
I think there was a thread in multicultural families a while ago talking about coping with a suegra, might be worth a look.
Ignore me if I've got the wrong end of the stick here.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

'Oh, didn't I tell you, it's one of my new year's resolutions to be the only person in my house that does my ironing, pop the kettle on instead'.

'Oh didn't I tell you, it's one of my new year's resolutions to not have any more jam making here, how's your day been MIL'.

Oh didn't I tell you, yada yada yada, do you want a brew?'

[piplypip]

Yes hoppinggreen. She is a Spanish MIL used to running a household with two sons and a husband who all want a quiet life and do what they're told. I think you have hit the nail on the head: there are massive cultural issues.
She expects us to deposit our child in a corner to sleep and attend family parties that go on all night and has done since he was born. When he was going through separation anxiety aged 7 months she kept passing him round the Spanish family who would walk off in and out of the house with him and they would laugh when I would try to find him, telling me not to be so worried. He was always crying when I found him.
Her ironing is crazy because she takes over the whole house draping shorts everywhere, wetting the babies towels and sheets to use to dampen the shirts down first and leaving the board and iron close to where my son plays. If she went off into a spare room somewhere and ironed it would be less problematic. She likes to keep an eye on the jam, tortilla, sausages whatever whilst ironing and doing another million messy things all at once in our kitchen. She gets very upset very easily. Cries and goes on about how her sons don't seem happy and don't see her enough anymore...blah, blah.
We have stood our ground a lot more the last few months but whenever she calls there is a serious conversation to be had afterwards with DH to discuss out strategy for saying no. I'm so tired of it.

[perlona]

Why do you let her in? Why do you let her cook in your kitchen? Fill your house with rubbish? Use your iron? Drape clothes everywhere? Stay silent while she goes on about how inferior you are and how her son could do much better?????

She can't do those things without your permission. You have to stand up and say no. No you can't come in, I'm busy (while closing door). No you can't bring your saucepans and use my cooker. No you can't fill our house with almost gone off food. No you can't speak to or about me like that, this is my house, here's the door, bring your manners next time......

If your husband doesn't support you in that, send him back to live with her, he sounds useless. He shouldn't tolerate anyone treating his wife like that and creating that much stress in his home.

You BOTH need to grow a spine. Look up the broken record method to help you learn how to say no in a manner that can't be argued with.

[Ragwort]

The issue is your husband not your MIL - just insist that he explains the issues to her, he can visit her (with your DS) if that makes it easier. It really is pathetic how so many men just won't stand up to their mother, or perhaps he genuinely enjoys her company and thinks you are over-reacting?

I do think you are over reacting regarding the ironing, I was exactly the same when I was newly married, in hindsight I should have accepted gracefully and given my MIL my ironing to do as well. .

[Kundry]

Why don't you pick one thing - possibly the ironing or the jam - and absolutely clamp down on that one thing. It'll be easier to do as it's a single issue and when you've done it MIL will know you aren't messing and you'll have more confidence when you pick the next one.

[parakeet]

Hide the iron?

Then when she asks where it is, say (with a friendly smile): "I'd rather we didn't have any ironing done today I'm afraid, Sorry. Smile again. Then leave room.

Ditto for jam pans, etc.

[HaroldTheGoat]

Get the ironing done, lose the jam!