not to apologise when I have done no wrong??

[ColdFeetWarmHeart]

Will try to keep this brief. Dh uncle put a photo of dd on facebook last night. I commented asking when it was taken as I didn't remember/see it taken. Your standard type of comment for facebook pics, I feel. Dh unc explained it was christmas day and I was in another room. My last comment before I went to bed was that he must have been quick as I hadnt seen him.(lol).
I then get an email asking if there was a problem posting the picture. I replied no, just asking as I didnt see you with your camera that day.

I went to bed, and woke this morning with what felt to me like quite a shitty email. "Sorry but I do think there is a problem. It seems to me you think I would go into your bedroom when you're asleep and take photos. I'm not this sort of person. So to keep everyone happy I'll keep away from your flat"

Wtf??! Told dh and he could not see why his unc went off like that. Dh phoned mil this evening to see if something else had happened to upset him.mil told us we had to grovel etc to unc - cue a big row between dh and mil!

Dh phoned unc and explained it was just a simple question - no offence/malice meant etc. Unc said we'd put it down to a misunderstanding. But mil reckons it would have been better if I had called, and I still should phone/mail.

Should I message and "apologise"? I haven't done so far, and asked dh to do it, because

1. I didn't say anything wrong
2. It's dh's family having freakouts, not mine
3. I worry if I say something I'd make it worse (I really wanted to tell him not to put words in my mouth!)

I can't see what's so wrong in wanting to see a baby sleeping. It's a beautiful thing to see. OP wasn't in the room and there was no sneaking, it was a flat with lots of people in it and thus very difficult to sneak anywhere, I'd have thought.

Because bedrooms tend to be private areas regardless of how small a home is.

"It seems to me you think I would go into your bedroom when you're asleep and take photos"

Um well he is the sort of person who will go into your bedroom when you are not there, without permission, how is that so much better?

Bedrooms are private spaces, does he not know this?

Your husband was in the bedroom ? With the baby when the photo was taken ?

And your uncle has put a cute picture of your sleepy Dd on Facebook ? Not some other dodgy picture sharing with strangers website ?

And you made some fairly snippy comments which have upset him ? Inclusing a reference to being sneaky ?

Now crazy as it may sound, is it any way possible that the undercurrent on this thread ( that your comments suggest that your uncle is a sneaky 'paedo') is EXACTLY why your uncle is upset ? You don't believe your comments to be wrong but I can totally understand why he has reacted in the way he had. And I don't buy into that whole passive aggressive pseudo apology shite ' I'm sorry that you're upset '
Just apologise!

I'm not sure what difference it makes thatthe husband was in the room-unless the husband knocked and/or was invited in.

Otherwise he's wandered into a bedroom to take a pic!

It's no wonder people fall out having read this.

What's wrong for expressing sadness that, despite not intending to make him feel like a scum of the earth abuser, that's exactly what you've done!

It would help for you to acknowledge his feelings and show regret for that, even if you don't feel the need to apologise for the comments themselves (although I think you've been very crass in your comments).

Its all a mountain out of a molehill, and given that it is your child, your house and he put the photos on FB, he should have simply laughed off the comments. I find his reaction odd, and I would simply leave it at that and certainly not grovel to him and fuel his odd reaction.

I think he took the photo without the permission of dd not just without yours. I would not be happy but then I know someone who had just been jailed for this.

Buzzardbird- jailed ? For taking a photo of a baby in front of it's parent ? Really ?

He's not an abuser. The op didn't say that. She implied he was rude. He was rude

It is very rude to go into people's bedrooms to take photos of sleeping children. Or for any reason.

I would be seriously cheesed off if he woke the child by accident. The op might have been up all night with the child. He didn't know that.

It's the presumptuous wandering around in other people's private spaces that is out of order.

And yes, regardless of the fact it's just FB, the courteous thing to do is to ask if it's okay to post a picture of someone's child on there.

Basic manners really.

"It's the presumptuous wandering around in other people's private spaces that is out of order."

Yes, that.

I'm confused, everyone keeps saying about the uncle wandering about without permission but the OP said her DH was with them? If DH was with them in said room when the photo was taken then he wasn't going about without permission he was with one of the household members, so how was he rude?

I think it depends if they went in the room together or uncle wandered in & husband happened to be there.

diddl, I think op should clarify that, he is rude if he wandered in alone but if he wandered in with DH then he isn't.

Whatever way it happened (either with the husband there, or without) it is grossly unfair for the uncle to be left to fester on the fact that he believes people think he's a paedo!

Even if he did go and look at the child without the husband and that's the issue, he DESERVES to know this is about privacy and not that he is believe to be the worst scum of the earth and sexually attracted to children. He doesn't deserve to be left under that illusion and any decent person would initially put aside their privacy issues to first reassure and then clearly express what their concerns actually are.

Jesus people do like to jump down your throats on here!! For the record, I do think that before people give me their opinions (and tell me that I am out of order etc), they do me the decency of reading all of my posts.

I really do not believe that my comments were snippy or rude - it was making conversation. Have none of you ever said to a family member "What are you doing sneaking about?" or similiar? Saying something like that does not mean I thought he was a perv etc. I was asking him a question. Yes, I can see how someone MIGHT read it the wrong way, but most would read it as general family banter.

Also, for the record, I never called him a perv etc. DH unc came to that conclusion all on his own. So if he has sat there festering over it, it is his own doing. DH and I have never said anything to suggest that we feel that way about him. If we did, he certainly would not be staying in our flat!!

Yes, for me it is a little about privacy etc. Whether DH or I are in the room or not, I don't really feel that anyone should just wander in or out of our bedroom. Unfortunately we live in a flat where our bedroom is positioned in the middle. In an ideal world I would tell MIL and her brother not to come into our room uninvited, whether the door is open or not. But I know that it would cause arguments.

I have sent an email to him, just for DH's sake really. It was very basic "sorry you were upset, but I meant no offence etc, I was just being curious". I have heard nothing back from him or MIL, so I fully expect them to give us the cold shoulder for a while, and paint me as a big bad wolf. C'est la vie!!

Just to clarify for people that seem to be getting confused (reading above, it seems that some are getting my posts confused with other posters assumptions):

• My DD was awake when he took the photo, but not long awake
• DH was in the room when photo was taken, but he did not invite uncle in. He just "wandered" in
• I had no problems with the picture being put on facebook. We do put pictures on facebook ourselves.
• I was not intentionally rude to him, or snippy. I asked a question in what I felt was a normal way. I understand how some have misinterpreted my words, but believe the uncle, and some on here, have gone OTT. It's not like my comment was "what the fuck are you doing in my room?!"
• DH uncle took comments the wrong way, for whatever reason, and over reacted
• MIL in turn, over-reacted, and made things worse
• DH phoned uncle yesterday, and assured him that we don't not think of him as a perv etc, and that it was all just a misunderstanding. He was not left festering.
• today I wrote a carefully constructed e-mail, thinking about each and every word, explaining again that I meant no harm, and my words were in jest etc.

God, I would hate an uncle like yours, op. He seems paranoid. You never suggested he was a pervert paedophile. That's his extrapolation and his problem. Only his. Don't make it yours.

One is allowed to feel that one's bedroom is not open to people going in at a whim, regardless if they've been invited into the flat/house.

You've done nothing wrong. He has basically accused you of suspecting him of something sexually deviant of him. That sounds mental erm, because it is.

What you've actually questioned is his going into a private room uninvited.

His posting picture of your dd obviously doesn't bother you. That's great. Wonder if he ever bothered to check if it did?

Personally, I'd start to pull down some boundaries so there is no room for misunderstandings. Especially among people who feel so defensive about their crossing of personal boundaries, they jump to irrelevant conclusions and make a big drama about it.

I think you need to make your own mind up before you start asking other people's opinion.

Your comments don't read like general family banter or an attempt at making conversation. You do sound like you are pissed off and calling him on his behaviour.

Which is fine if you are- it's your flat and your baby.

But if you're not, then I don't think it's ok to publicly "accuse" someone of sneaking around in your bedroom.

Thanks winky - it's DH's uncle actually so that makes it a little more awkward (simply because I don't know him as well).

No he never bothered to check if it was ok to post facebook photos, but to be honest, no family member ever has. Both my side and his post photos of the children and I don't think any poster/parent has ever even thought about asking permission to post! it's the norm for us really, though I understand its not for everyone.

I definitely think that I will start to impose a few boundaries, but with as little drama as possible, iykwim. Keep the bedroom door closed at all times when they are in the flat, so they get the idea that its not ok to go in there.
I have a feeling that more dramas are going to be coming up in the near future. Either with MIL or the uncle, as they sometimes do things that we aren't happy with, and DH has started commenting (never goes down well .......)

When i was initially commenting on facebook page I was not pissed off - that was conversation/banter.

I only became pissed off after I got the e-mails telling me that I had a problem!!

Don't subscribe to the drama. Some people just love it. As you say, develop some quiet, firm boundaries and don't be drawn into the broo ha ha. It's tedious.

I have started to do that with MIL to be honest. Every time she tries to moan / have a bitch about someone etc, I kind of ignore her (I acknowledge her but I either walk away or change the conversation, rather than getting pulled into the drama).

OP - I believe you - my family (who I no longer speak to) do this kind of thing. I often used to feel they intentionally took the hump just for the drama/control/fun of watching people jump through hoops to keep the peace. Funnily, on the occasions I refused to play all Hell would break loose. Funny that, eh?