What to do about DC's hoarding?

[balia]

I've been a bit concerned for a while about DSS not wanting to get rid of stuff and with Christmas (loads of new stuff) DH has had to admit that there does seem to be an issue. (Previously he has always said I am over-reacting as DSS's mum is a terrible hoarder). You literally cannot get into DSS's room ATM, and DH tried to sort through stuff with him but DSS doesn't want to part with anything, including broken toys, stuff he never plays with etc.

We've tried asking him to donate to charity (agrees with principle, just doesn't want to donate anything). Now he wants to 'give' some of the stuff to DS (so it can be stored in DS's room - DS doesn't want the stuff) and he's asking DH to build shelves in his wardrobe. I think that will just delay sorting out the problem and have suggested that DH get say, 20 of the most broken/age inappropriate toys and say DSS can only keep 10 of them. DH's suggestion is to say that he can take stuff he won't get rid of back to his Mum's. (Which is just bound to cause confrontation as it was only just before Christmas that she was off-loading old school projects on to us as her mother had told her she had to get rid!)

Any ideas?

Well in the future you could try a strict 1 in, 1 out policy, we did this over Christmas. Dd is only 1 but I have hoarding tendencies, she got a large carrier bag of toys so I filled the same bag with stuff to sell/donate.

For the big sort out, could he be motivated by car boot/ebaying items, with him keeping the profit? Is he too old for a sticker reward chart with prizes for getting rid (say every 5 items)? Or you might find it easier to gradually remove some toys while he is not around (starting with anything broken and buried as he's unlikely to miss it) and then once his room is tidy you can get him on board to keep it that way.

Dd is 11 and only towards the end of last year did she actually consent to throwing stuff out / donating. Prior to that she just wanted to keep everything. Our strategy has been to wait until she's not home and then clear out her room. She has never asked for anything we threw out, there is so much stuff she cannot remember what she has. Today I did a mini-clearout of her room and stored some of the stuff in a plastic container in the garage. If she hasn't looked for any of it in a couple of months' time, out it goes.

He's 11. He hasn't had a reward chart in a few years, but will suggest to DH. He usually keeps his room very tidy, but it has just got to the stage where every cupboard/storage area is crammed and stuff is over flowing. It's like a Rubic cube - he has to clear the bed by piling stuff up on the (already covered) floor in order to go to sleep! Not sure about Ebay in the sense that we ebay old toys/clothes now, seems unfair for DSS to get the money when DS doesn't. Will talk it through with DH, though, as we are at desperate measures point, I think! We could just take the problem out of his hands and start chucking as he's not with us during the week, but I would definitely feel mean and I do think it is important for him to be a part of the solution in the longer term.

One in, one out sounds like a fantastic idea. But we'll have to get it clear first.

The only way to exercise any kind of control over hoarding is to be strict about what comes in.

Don't throw his stuff away while he isn't there, it has the potential to make the situation worse. Hoarding is often about maintaining control of your environment and mitigating feelings of loss, or imminent loss. I have strong hoarding tendencies, and I find it comforting to have things around me, tangible reminders of my past and my relationships with people. I was subjected to having my belongings forcibly taken away when I was young, and it just made everything seem much less stable, and eroded my ability to trust people, and to trust that things were not always about to end.

Hoarding is a recognized MH issue and has a genetic component. He needs to have this addressed. Hoarding is dangerous (fire) and unhealthy (dirt) and getting him appropriate help will really help in the long term. Can you ask the GP about CBT or alternatives for this?

Not sure about Ebay in the sense that we ebay old toys/clothes now, seems unfair for DSS to get the money when DS doesn't

Why doesn't your son get the ebay money when you are selling his old toys? It seems very simple to just give him the money [presumably these are toys or clothes that he was given so are rightly his?]

I sort through my kids' stuff while they're at school & drop in the goodwill box pre-pickup.

Ah, I was (am still) like this, it's really horrible and I wish I was as ruthless as my DSis! My parents used to put up shelves and shelves in my childhood bedroom, and still the stuff was everywhere. I used to keep everything. I moved out of my childhood home about 5 years ago and it's as if I never left, there's still a roomfull of stuff there.

I wish so much that they had got me into the habit of getting rid of stuff, as it's something I'm trying desperately to teach myself now, at the grand old age of 27. They never got me to sort things out to get rid of. I did one car boot sale when I was about 14 and I hated it. I think things donated to charity and to younger more distant family members, as well as when I was older donating things to the school where my Mum (and me for a while) worked was a really good way of getting rid. I was the youngest of 2 so didn't have a younger sibling to palm things off onto but I wouldn't recommend that tbh, my sister would sometimes 'give' me things (I would take more than I wanted/needed as I felt sentimental of her things as well...) then she would take them back from me as and when she wanted. If he's a hoarder then that won't fix the problem or really encourage him to 'let go' of items if they're still seen or able to be accessed regularly.

I really like the idea of one in one out and really think that would have been good for me. I know it would have been hard at first but I'd have got used to it and it would have been really good for me. It gives the control to the child- yes you can have new things but only if you move on from the old things. If you don't want to then you don't get new things- and that's ok.

Good luck!

Get rid of anything broken/incomplete straight away.

I would sit down and have a serious talk that something has to be done...his room cannot go on looking like that.
If he won't help you, then I would do it while he isn't there. You've given him a chance to co-operate.

Oh, was also going to say- I wouldn't recommend just doing it when he isn't there and/or without him knowing. My Mum would occasionally do this and it didn't help me as it took the responsibility of getting rid of things out of my hands. He needs to learn how to make choices himself, and how to let go of things on his own. Nothing against an adult helping him but it won't solve the problem if he hasn't even realised things have gone.

Please don't do anything with his belongings without his consent.

Hoarding, in its most serious forms, is a mental illness and can be extremely disabling for sufferers. Even in a mild form, it needs treating with care.

You say he's your stepson, so he must experience some upheaval and the effects of the breaking down of his parents' relationship. He may have transferred these feelings onto "stuff", keeping his things as an expression of control, when in many parts of his life, he feels as though he doesn't have control.

I think you need to do this, in conjunction with his mother, in a caring, supportive way and with kid gloves. Start with one or two things that he no longer uses. Talk to him about what causes matter, let him choose a charity to donate them too. Rather than talking about throwing things away, show how things can be re-purposed and bring pleasure to others.

Work with him through the feelings that throwing away might bring. Don't dismiss his sadness, but see it as an expression of something else - his sadness at the situation with his parents, his lack of control about your presence in the family, his fear of going to big school and losing his childhood. Talk to him.

When I moved to the US I had to go through my "stuff". I couldn't afford to ship it all and I realised it wasn't good for me to leave massive amounts of stuff for my mum to deal with. So what I did was sell what I could, donate what I couldn't, and burn the paper (exercise books from high school... 12 years ago :S).

My next idea was to take photos of things that were sentimental and prompted memory recall. I didn't necessarily want the item, but I wanted the memory. I suggest trying that with your DSS.

Explain to him that he can't play with the broken toy, but you can take a photo of it if he likes to remember it. See how he feels about that.

I can see that getting rid of things without him being there won't work with an 11 year old, I was thinking more for a younger child where out of sight is out of mind!

If you're uncomfortable with handing money over directly, why not raise money for a special day out? DSS could pick the place but then both sons will benefit from it.

I would strongly advise against advice of throwing it out yourself: it may help in the short term, but long term may be damaging in the extreme when it comes to exacerbating hoarding tendencies.

Most of us have items we have sentimental attachments to: how would you feel if someone threw them out?

I don't think you just put up with it but you do need to get to the bottom of why he is so attached to items. Some good questions may be, 'does this item make you think of a particular time/person/place?' 'Do you worry you will lose the memory if you lose the item?' Time-consuming, but it helps identify the REAL problem.

Wow, thank you to everyone for the responses - it has really made DH and I think about this more deeply. We are in agreement that we won't be getting rid of any of his stuff without his permission/involvement. DH thinks 1 in 1 out is a great long-term strategy, so we will go with that when we have got things back to manageable levels.

His parents' relationship (they were never married/lived together)broke down when he was very tiny, so I really don't think he can be reacting to that. However, the ongoing relationship is very strained (his mum has MH issues herself and that is very challenging in terms of co-parenting) and I think he has a lot to deal with because of that. Relatively recently we went back to court for holiday contact and he had to tell the Cafcass Officer how much he wanted it, despite knowing how much his mum was against the idea. He also had a bit of a difficult start at secondary school although that seems to have got easier.

The idea of hoarding as an expression of control is very interesting but I'm not sure what we can do about it...and when DH talks to him about it eg throwing things away, he comes up with lots of reasons why he wants to keep stuff, rather than anything emotional. I think maybe we have to get him to acknowledge there is a problem...but then he might interpret that as criticism of his mother...this is very tricky.

Can you sort through some things with him which are broken/incomplete etc and have a "trial period" where you put it into a box and take it out of his room and store it somewhere (garage etc) for an agreed period of time. Then he'll have time to get used to it not being there and hopefully will appreciate the space more than the items themselves and then will hopefully be more amenable to throwing them afterwards if he realises he doesn't actually miss them?

Not sure what to do if this didn't work though...:(

Could you have a set reward at the end maybe?

Sorry, am obvs a very slow typist and missed loads of the responses. I love the idea of getting him to 'fundraise' for a trip out, I can see that working and gives him lots of control, he can pick the place etc. (We usually put money from ebay into a central pot to pay for new clothes/toys, Funky, I'm glad money is so 'simple' for you but we work to a budget.)

I also think the idea of offering to photograph some of the items is a brilliant idea, and the suggested questions are excellent - I do think he'll just open his eyes wide and deny any 'emotional' reason, though, and keep insisting that he 'just wants to keep it/them'. Think we'll have to have a read around the subject, find out a bit more about it. One of the things that worried me when we were talking was he said something about how he didn't think he would get to the stage where he couldn't use his room (something that has happened with his mum) but to anyone else he IS at that stage.

Hoarding can be a symptom of OCD. Some reading around that might help you decide how you want to help your DSS.

You sound quite compassionate and understanding.

(We usually put money from ebay into a central pot to pay for new clothes/toys, Funky, I'm glad money is so 'simple' for you but we work to a budget.)

Yes me too. But selling your kids toys should not be part of your regular budgeting. You are in effect getting them to buy their own presents each time.

Do you think I should stop sending them down the mine and charging them rent, too?

Tread carefully. Do NOT throw out his stuff without consent.

COI: product of a long line of hoarders. Personally have reacted by becoming minimalist but have helped hoarders clear - it is really painful for them.

I have no issue with recycling toy cash to pay for treats they wouldn't otherwise get.....it all adds up to a good childhood!

Just clear his room when he is at school.

lurker, how did you become minimalist?? I'd love to be able to get rid of more stuff...