What to do about DC's hoarding?

[balia]

I've been a bit concerned for a while about DSS not wanting to get rid of stuff and with Christmas (loads of new stuff) DH has had to admit that there does seem to be an issue. (Previously he has always said I am over-reacting as DSS's mum is a terrible hoarder). You literally cannot get into DSS's room ATM, and DH tried to sort through stuff with him but DSS doesn't want to part with anything, including broken toys, stuff he never plays with etc.

We've tried asking him to donate to charity (agrees with principle, just doesn't want to donate anything). Now he wants to 'give' some of the stuff to DS (so it can be stored in DS's room - DS doesn't want the stuff) and he's asking DH to build shelves in his wardrobe. I think that will just delay sorting out the problem and have suggested that DH get say, 20 of the most broken/age inappropriate toys and say DSS can only keep 10 of them. DH's suggestion is to say that he can take stuff he won't get rid of back to his Mum's. (Which is just bound to cause confrontation as it was only just before Christmas that she was off-loading old school projects on to us as her mother had told her she had to get rid!)

Any ideas?

I only realised a few years ago that I was a hoarder and why.
As soon as I clicked what I was doing, I stopped it but I still have twenty years of stuff to sort thru/get rid of, and it's hard going. Some of it is actual scrappy stuff but there are also a lot of saleable/useable/designer items so it's taking me ages.
DC2 is due in a few months and I know it has to be done by then or it won't happen for another year.

I became emotionally attached to objects as I didn't feel loved or that I belonged anywhere.
If you'd asked me at 12 I wouldn't have been able to explain it, but would have got v upset if you'd tried to part me from my boxes of bits and pieces.

I wish I had understood it at a young enough age to control it. If you help him deal with it now you'll be doing him a massive favour.

There are some fantastically helpful posts here and it's v good to see you're going to think about his reasons for doing it rather than just ways to deal with the 'stuff'.
My enviously minimalist DSis has repeatedly 'offered to help' me with my stuff, but it's plain as day she sees no value in any of it and would just chuck it all in a skip - be careful not to alienate DSS with this attitude or he won't accept your help.

What about creating a digital scrap / memory book with photographs and notes about the items - reminders of who gave it and when. My daughter also has these tendencies and we have moved things to the attic with her permission, in labelled boxes so they are not thrown out but put away. Once they have been out of sight for a year, we then discuss permanent removal and she is much happier to get rid. She is the same age.

Grr. Wrote a long post and lost it.

I' m minimalist in response to others hoarding. I always have been. But certain strategies help....

Good storage - all the stuff you do want should have a home. If the storage fills up- sort through it before you go out to buy more. Moving house regularly helps with this

Sentimentality has no place. If you don't like an item or use it then don't keep it. Even if great aunt Edna gave it to you.

The time test - if you aren't sure if you need something box it up and seal the box. If unened in 6 months bin/ charity shop. Longer if a seasonal item eg ski gear

Buy as you go - don't stock up on stuff you don't need immediately EVEN if it is really cheap. A proportion of it inevitably gets wasted thus negating your cost savings and makes your house cluttered into the bargain.

I have recently helped a very out of control relative tackle their house (every room is about a foot deep in "stuff"). The strategies we have used are: 3 bags- bin/keep/charity. If the situation isn't desperate you can add a 4th for sell.

Get rid of bags at the end of the day.
If you have multiple duplicates eg. Nail brushes, tea pot cosies chose one to use, one spare and get rid of the rest.

HTH.

Oh and two person clearing out is much easier and I have an agreement with my relative I will not get rid of anything without her consent and I stick to it. even if it means she has 400 clothes pegs!

Another of my hoarding control strategies: don't save things "for best" or for another time. Use and enjoy what you have.

It can be hard to say "no thank you" when people try to give you things, especially if you are a child yourself. This is where you can help him if necessary.

I agree with whomever said 'photograph things' - my DD is happier to photgraph all her models, creations etc, so she has a record of them, then it's easier for her to let go. Scanning artwork/paper items might work too. It's still hoarding of course, but it's easier in physical terms for the household.

Please, please, do not just chuck away his stuff when he's not there.

Also, if he decides he does want to get rid of some things, let him choose them. A couple of times, when I was younger, I did manage to sort out some things I didn't want, and they were often the "wrong" things - unwanted but not-cheap gifts from elderly relatives and hardback books stick in my mind. I ended up in exactly the same situation I was in before.

I've just successfully culled dd's cuddly toy collection by offering to pay her 10p for each one she would send to the charity shop. It cost me £2.20 to reduce an overflowing toy box. Maybe you could come to a similar arrangement to reduce the clutter? I'm sure you could match any amount you give dss to give to ds too.

what is the age difference between your ds and dss? with young kids, its fine to sell their stuff and keep the money yourself (they dont realise anyway) but with older ones you really cant! it is a bit like pocket monry - older kids can have it while younger siblings dont, and that is still fair as the younger ones will get it when they are older too

wrt hoarding, do you have a loft or shed? we pack stuff in there and go through it a year later, it usually ends up in a charity shop

my kids have some of my toys from my childhood, i am a bit of a hoarder , but the broken stuff has to be parted with

You could try telling him to select say 10/20 items (doesn't matter how many) put them in a box and put them in the garage or garden shed or loft. Then if after a month he doesnt want them then they can go to charity or be thrown out if broken. The chances are he won't want them. Hopefully!

So - quick update. We had a chat with DSS and promised we wouldn't get rid of any of his stuff when he wasn't here or force him to get rid. But we also talked (as non-critically as possible) about the practical difficulties and implications of same (eg not being able to clean easily) and positives about getting rid of stuff (having his friends over).

I was amazed at how much insight he had into it after a bit of discussion using paynoattention's questions - he talked about wanting to hang on to things he had done with Dad, not just projects but games, even macdonalds toys.

So, he managed over the weekend to identify 8 items to dispose of in one way or another. Wasn't much in the grand scheme of things (one was an out of date annual) but it is progress. We're going to tackle the stuff he might be able to let go of if we photograph it next weekend.

Thanks to everyone.

If it's about the memories, could you work with him taking pictures of the items he values and making up some scrap books to write about those experiences?