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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

And having double standards by rules around dd, her belongings and exH

43 replies

jinglemel · 04/01/2014 15:01

Dd is 6 and sees her father one or two weekends per month. He never returns the clothes she goes in, instead returning her in clothes which are several sizes too small. Dd has taken belongings there before which also do not get returned. I am of the opinion that these things belong to dd and should be able to go between houses but am angry at him keeping them as the clothes add up even if it's only two outfits per month.

He wrapped up his iPad for Christmas for dd, telling her it was a new one for her. He also got her a furby and a tamagotchi type pet thing. She's been upset saying they'll die as she's there so infrequently but ex refuses to let her bring anything from there home and gets her clothes changed and even removes hairbands before returning her. Aibu in thinking he's treating dd unfairly by doing these things or am I being unreasonable and having double standards?

OP posts:

Theas18 · 04/01/2014 15:07

Isn't he just playing games? You can have a nice iPad ( wouldn't bother me if he gave her the old one if it was then properly "hers") and a furby etcetera just bring " I spend more money on you than mommy" and " you can only play with the expensive stuff at MY house with ME"...

She'll see through it soon enough.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 04/01/2014 15:08

He's being unreasonable.

One bit I'm confused with, you say he doesn't allow her home with anything including the clothing, yet where are the two sizes too small clothes coming from?

I'd speak to him, especially about the keeping clothes. He's doing exactly what it would seem he doesn't want to happen. And what's the point in getting things like furbies and tamagotchis if she can't look after them. selfish sod.

teenagetantrums · 04/01/2014 15:14

Send her back in the same clothes he dressed her in last time he saw her. I used to go round to my ex's and retrieve clothes and toys left behind but he didn't mind was just to lazy to pack them up.

They are her toys they should be able to go between houses, maybe not the ipad so much if she has access to one at yours. What does he want a furby for?

Original poster

jinglemel · 04/01/2014 15:16

We've been separated for years, the too small clothes are her old ones. I did buy some cheap outfits from Primark specifically for sending her in but she gets upset and wants to wear her normal clothes. The gadgets are purchased precisely so he can say the furby, tamagotchi etc wouldn't die if she lived there

OP posts:

youmakemydreams · 04/01/2014 15:18

I'm sure my dc stepmum thinks they only have 2 or 3 outfits because I send them in the same few things that I'm not worried about missing.
The present thing bugs me too. Ds1 has asked to bring christmas and birthday things home and has been told no. You can't give a gift with conditions it either belongs to the child or doesn't it can't belong yo the child 1-2 weekends a month.

Original poster

jinglemel · 04/01/2014 15:19

Teenage the clothes are far too small and uncomfortable for dd - think knickers which cut into herskin and tops way above her belly button. I'm not dressing her in them as they make her cold and uncomfortable.

No idea why he wants to keep the furby. She didn't even know what one was until she got one and now she does she can't play with it anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

jinglemel · 04/01/2014 15:25

That's the problem though, youmake. I feel I have double standards as I don't want dd to take her belongings to his - partly because they don't get returned but also because he doesn't encourage her to take care of them. I.e. Teddies from holidays (irreplaceable) have been lost, necklaces knotted, ornaments smashed, dressing up clothes stained and ripped and so on. I do think she should be able to bring things from his though as I would encourage her to take care of them, he has no other children to play with them, ootherwise she barely gets to play with them etc.

OP posts:

NoComet · 04/01/2014 15:25

She wouldn't be going again until she was old enough to tell him exactly where to go if he touched her clothes.

I think My fashion conscious, DD2 would have been furious even at 6. By 8 she'd have refused to leave the house in anything that didn't fit.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 04/01/2014 15:30

I would be sending her in the clothes just on her back.

maddening · 04/01/2014 15:34

I'd ask for the clothes back and see if you can get a furby in the sales - have you ever asked for her clothes back? What does he say if you do?

Original poster

jinglemel · 04/01/2014 15:35

I think she's scared to go against him Starball. She complained to me about her furby so I spoke to him about it when he was speaking about it at drop off and she ran off and hid.

OP posts:

Original poster

jinglemel · 04/01/2014 15:38

Yes I text and remind every time maddening. He ignores or claims they're in the wash. I don't think trying to compete with the gifts is the way to go, I can't afford (and shouldn't have) to mirror what he chooses to buy her.

OP posts:

SquinkiesRule · 04/01/2014 15:38

If he has kept outfits, send her with just what she's wearing, she has clothes there to wear. She can also say that things don't fit/ are too tight and not put them on. My Dd refuses to put on things that pinch or are too small. Tell her to make sure she's comfortable.
The gift thing would piss me off, it was done to Ds by MIL and he was very upset.

Original poster

jinglemel · 04/01/2014 15:42

She won't complain squinkies, she is afraid to go against him.

OP posts:

TheNightIsDark · 04/01/2014 15:45

Point out to him it's parental alienation syndrome and courts are becoming more aware of it.

We have the opposite problem and have to send DSD home EOW in scruffy clothes as her mum doesn't return the good stuff and sends her to us in tops she practically needs cutting out of.

We let her move toys between houses though not anything electrical as her mother has sold items of value before.

Cerisier · 04/01/2014 15:45

So he buys her an electronic pet but won't let her take it home to care for it. Poor child. By the time she is 13 she will be voting with her feet as she will be sick to death of the pettiness.

Bodypopper · 04/01/2014 15:48

She's afraid of him because he's an arse who puts his feelings above her comfort

Is he trying to make you stop her visiting so you can look unreasonable? Does he want residency?

He has a game plan so what is it?

Bodypopper · 04/01/2014 15:48

She's afraid of him because he's an arse who puts his feelings above her comfort

Is he trying to make you stop her visiting so you can look unreasonable? Does he want residency?

He has a game plan so what is it?

Original poster

jinglemel · 04/01/2014 15:53

He tells everyone he'd love to have her living there. Realistically, he hardly sees her, never asks about her and barely knows her. He has incited me to stop contact once before, he likes the attention it gets him. I just hate seeing dd upset/seeing that she changes her behavior around him.

OP posts:

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 04/01/2014 15:58

YANBU.

I had a similar situation with my ex a few years ago, seemingly sparked by his ever so helpful friends filling his head with nonsense about 'his rights' and shite like that. He behaved like an utter arsehole, demanding DD remove her shoes that he bought as soon as she set foot in my door. I said nowt at the time, but he knew my view from this face. Then, he brought her back (aged 6) in her school uniform (filthy) on a Saturday and I asked him what he was playing at, dressing her in a filthy school uniform to bring her home. Then he told me she hadn't been dressed in her uniform all day, he got her changed on the bus on the way home (so in his mind, my point was nonsense). That was when I just let rip on him - he stripped DD on a public bus, to get her changed, all so he could be territorial about clothes he bought (this all started from a tantrum over me giving him a list of things he'd have to spend money on for DD for a holiday he booked for them, clearly expecting me to simply produce DD fully equipped for said holiday). I was beyond angry that he would humiliate DD like that (she was at the stage where she asked for/needed privacy getting dressed/undressed so would have been mortified at being stripped on a bus in front of lots of people) and I must have got through to him because he never did it again.

It's not on, you need to find a way to make him understand how hurtful this is to your DD. I know how hard it is when getting at you matters more to him than his DD's happiness & well being but you need to tell him that he's not hurting you but DD and he needs to think of her.

Shallistopnow · 04/01/2014 16:00

Sounds very odd. Does she actually like going there?

Its very sad that he doesn't put her first and that she's scared of him. Sorry but if she were mine, I wouldn't leave her with anyone she wasn't comfortable with.

Original poster

jinglemel · 04/01/2014 16:07

Tension - she won't express her upset to him though and if I speak up for her he infers that I'm making it up to cause problems, even though he's actually aware of what he's doing.
Shallistopnow - she never asks to go but she does like his parents, who she's increasingly frequently being left with. She comes back saying: 'i love YOU more than anyone, it's you I want to stay with' which strikes me as something she's encouraged to parrot to him but then parrots to me because she feels guilty.

OP posts:

mumtobealloveragain · 04/01/2014 16:30

OP. We also have a similar situation. You get dragged into the "game" even if it's the opposite of what you want (stuff passing between their homes as the child wishes) and if you don't carefully plan what does and doesn't get taken in what days else you end up without all their nice clothes and toys and never see it again. Basically if one parent keeps stuff and doesn't return it and/or won't allow toys to be taken out their home it's pretty much impossible for the other parent.

Tensionhotwheels. I always get DSC to change into school uniform if they came to us wearing it and are going to their mums on a non school day. It's only for the 5 min drive between houses, it saves her having to return outfits and trainers to us when they come back on a school day it means she doesn't have to send them to school with a bag with their clothes and trainers to return them to us. I don 't see the problem..

Monetbyhimself · 04/01/2014 16:30

I have been through the same with my Ex. They came home on New Years day in lightweight cotton trousers , short sleeved T shirts with no vests and they'd 'forgotten' hats, scarves and gloves. He also refuses to let them bring home a single toy or book home, again because it ties the children into going back. They take a couple of special teddies wach for overnights. On occasions they haven't been able to 'fin them to bring them home. He knows they don't sleep particularly well without them and the 'lost' teddies probably get lost so that I have a few crappy nights sleep.
Henis a twisted, bitter twat though who is cheer leaded by a bitter, twisted OW. Issues around clothes anc belongings were discussed by the childrens court officer as he has a long history of using them to control me. He was told that he would be responsible for providing appropriate clothing. He buys them ill fitting scraps from charity shops. DD is starting to become more conscious of what she wears and she is also learning to stand up to him so I think he may have to consider the impact it has on her as she's already nog bothered about contact.
Over recent months the children themselves have stopped taking toys and books etc to his. I think they realise that stuff just seems to disappear when it's there

craftysewer · 04/01/2014 16:38

Jinglemel, I sympathise with you and not sure if their really is an easy answer. I left my ExH three days before my DD's birthday. From the very first time she went to visit, the clothes I packed for her were returned unworn. From then on, she had a double set of everything, clothes, toys, prams etc at her dads and nothing was ever allowed to travel from his house to ours. Trying to talk to him was useless and as you say, young children just want everything to be okay. I'm sorry I can't suggest anything more constructive, but just want to let you know that I understand your hurt and frustrations for both you and your dd. Sending hugs.

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