And having double standards by rules around dd, her belongings and exH

[jinglemel]

Dd is 6 and sees her father one or two weekends per month. He never returns the clothes she goes in, instead returning her in clothes which are several sizes too small. Dd has taken belongings there before which also do not get returned. I am of the opinion that these things belong to dd and should be able to go between houses but am angry at him keeping them as the clothes add up even if it's only two outfits per month.

He wrapped up his iPad for Christmas for dd, telling her it was a new one for her. He also got her a furby and a tamagotchi type pet thing. She's been upset saying they'll die as she's there so infrequently but ex refuses to let her bring anything from there home and gets her clothes changed and even removes hairbands before returning her. Aibu in thinking he's treating dd unfairly by doing these things or am I being unreasonable and having double standards?

Mumtobe, my DD's uniform was filthy and she wasn't just hopping into a car to come home. They'd been all through town and DD gets very embarrassed to be wearing school uniform (especially one so clearly needing washed) on a non school day. She's particular about this stuff, so I knew she wouldn't have been happy being dragged all through town looking like that. Hence me asking why she was dressed that way. I expect a bag of dirty uniform back if he's picked her up from school, not DD dressed in filthy uniform on a non school day. It was the latest in his efforts to get a reaction from me over this, as his petty behaviour was getting worse because all he got from me was until that day. The point was, she was only put in that situation because her dad was being pathetically territorial about DD's clothes, and as far as I'm concerned, that's not on. I always sent DD there with enough clothes, and usually got them back - until he decided he wasn't happy to pay for what was needed to kit DD for a holiday he booked. She never got the use of the stuff he bought because he hardly saw her so the shoes he was so keen to keep, were hardly worn before she outgrew them. The clothes were too small after her 3rd wearing of them.

It's pathetic, immature, nasty behaviour if it's done to spite the other parent while disregarding the upset it causes the DC. And it is upsetting for DC to have someone to lay claim to their clothes because of 'disagreements' between the parents.

Thank you for your kind words

Dd has stopped taking belongings of her own accord but is upset about missing clothes and not being able to use gifts from his house. It just bewilders me; if I wasa NRP I'd want my dc to enjoy their gifts and have things which encourage them to think of me all the time

Jingle is there any way if you speaking to your ex's parents? If she's being left with them, maybe they'd be better placed to ensure your DD has correctly fitting clothes/underwear. You could even set aside a few outfits and give that to them, along with underwear, so she has proper clothes to change into when needed, leaving her original outfit behind for washing/to wear on next visit.

But tension that's my point. I agree that being territorial about clothes is ridiculous but thats precisely what I'm being because of dds upset/the expense.

ExH said a few weeks ago that dd has 13 pairs of shoes/boots there She has one pair of shoes, one pair of boots and one pair of wellies here and yet he still keeps them despite all the shoes she apparently has there that don't ever get worn.

He gets dd changed in the car so gps only see dd in properly fitting clothes from home

The refusing the let her take toys that need constant attention for her to achieve to goals these types of toys set is abusive. And I say it's abusive because he is doing it in an effort to get to you and to get her at his permanently. Manipulation like that with a child is just not on. What do you plan to do?

Happytalk he doesn't actually want her there permanently. Deep down dd knows this and that's why I believe it's abusive.

I think it's so sad when parents do this. Yanbu. It's nrp wanting ownership of the child when they with them not doing what makes the child happy and comfortable.

What can I do? I say he's got a furby for the spiteful reasons detailed (bearing in mind she'd never heard of them or asked for one) and he shrugs and says it's the most popular toy this Christmas and paints me as a hysterical witch.

Jingle you aren't being spiteful, you are reacting to some on who is being spiteful at the expense of your DD. That is entirely different. If you can't talk to him, if his parents won't intervene to make sure your DD is properly dressed, then the only other alternative is to limit or restrict contact to minimise the instances where he has the opportunity to remove/change your DD's clothing/shoes and send her back with ill fitting ones.

And tbh, if he's boasting about DD having 13 pairs if shoes/boots at his then this is a bigger problem than just him being petty or spiteful. He is wilfully depriving your DD of her clothing/shoes that she needs, and is revelling in that. That's going beyond the petty behaviour of my ex, and is something that I'd have huge concern over. Because it's definitely more fucked up than my ex's pathetic attempts to 'get' at me through our DD.

Next time drop her off and demand all her clothes back.

Of course he doesn't want her there permanently - he's not acting like the kind of loving caring parent that would - he's acting like she a possession, a ticket to validating what a great guy he probably thinks he is, and a nice little stick to beat you with.

And of course he paints you as a hysterical witch - that's the nice pay off for acting like a twat.

Unfortunately, there's not an awful lot you can do about it - I doubt re-visiting contact arrangements will be useful as I feel this isn't enough to get a judge's attention. Could you have an age appropriate chat with your daughter - something about not being able to control how other people act but you can control your own actions and agreeing that him keeping it isn't fair but you can't make him hand them over? I know she's only six...

I can't allow my DGDs to take any of their valuable things to their dad's house because he steals their things and sells them under the guise of them being lost or broken. All the expensive gifts he has given them such as wii, PS, computer,tv etc have all disappeared within a few weeks of them getting them and they have duly been told they broke never to be seen again. His mother makes sure they have decent clothes though and they always return in the clothes they went in.

It is just such a shame he doesn't put as much effort into making her time there memorable for the right reasons and as said above, she will vote with her feet when old enough!

One of mine has a dad that used to do this,I say used to because dc is now 14 and point blank refuses to either talk to him or visit and I had the contact order revoked so he wouldn't have to.

The worst one was a playstation 3 dad put £50 towards it as a Christmas present and drove him to get it dc paid the rest himself from pocket money (all given from my end) he refused to allow dc to take it and still won't let him. His own mother tried to get him to let him but he openly admitted he felt like he had to keep it to make sure dc would visit.

Dc hasn't been for over a year and a half as far as he's concerned dad has stolen his property and property he paid the majority for.he would also never let him have any gift money from anyone in his family even tho he would never take him shopping himself.

I have no form for 'borrowing' money from my kids and have never sold anything that belongs to the kids and have very very strong views about children's property being there own and dad knows this.

Unbelievable.

You'd think that he'd want her to take Furby with her so she can have a permanent reminder of him. His actions punish her, not you (I assume he wants to piss you off)

Jingle, does your ex live with his parents? If so, could you collect her from their home, meaning he doesn't get the chance to change her after leaving the home where his parents think DD has proper clothes/shoes on? Could you maybe phone/text them in advance asking them to gather up all the clothes/shoes left there as your DD needs them?

Tiredoutgran - my exH does that too. He's presented ddwith bikes, scooters, battery powered cars, an x box,a Wii etc - all accompanied by multiple photos on FB of course. Next time she goes, they've gone.
Happytalk - dd is mature and understands but doesn't stop it upsetting her as his behaviour is difficult to comprehend and it also doesn't stop the expense for me unfortunately.
Sock - in the time we were together I discovered he thought it fine to take any money dd received for birthdays/Christmas as compensation for anything he might've spent - usually very little as I got it all. I bet he makes a fortune each time now, especially with people donating clothes/toys/money left right and centre from his poor dd whose mum sends her with nothing...!

I thought that too ender.

No he doesn't live with them, just palms her off there sometimes