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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wedding invites - friends DP

31 replies

Kandypane · 04/01/2014 09:14

Hi

I'm getting married in July and preparing to send out my invites. Am inviting friends and their partners. My one friend has been with her DP for a few years and they have a baby boy together.

I don't want to invite her partner. He is a complete dick in my opinion and doesn't treat her well. He is also known for causing trouble when drunk (has done this at other weddings). Last time he came to an event I was at he started being aggressive to some of my friends and took drugs in the toilet!!

Writing that down I know I'm not BU to not invite him. But how can I do this without offending my friend?

OP posts:
HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform · 04/01/2014 09:17

YABU to not invite him - especially if he's the only partner you don't include. Sadly he's not your choice, he's your friend's choice, and you need to just let your dislike of him go for one night.

If you don't invite him you will offend your friend. There's no way to avoid that. So just invite him and have your ushers keep an eye on him.

RedHelenB · 04/01/2014 09:18

Both or neither I'm afraid!

CailinDana · 04/01/2014 09:21

Tough one. Is it a close enough friend for you to suggest her P stays at home with the baby given his past behaviour?

BohemianGirl · 04/01/2014 09:21

If they are co-habiting then you must treat him as a full partner.

If he's just a BF then don't invite him

But be prepared to lose the friendship though.

Your wedding your rules, but it isn't your place to PA criticise her choices.

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 04/01/2014 09:21

Would your friend enjoy the chance to come alone? Could you chat to her and say you'd like to invite her but are wary after the way he was at the last wedding and would she like you to just invite her? Then if he wanted to come he can rave about you and she gets off guilt and hassle free to enjoy it?

arialultra · 04/01/2014 09:56

I think you are well within reasonable ness to not invite someone who makes you feel so negative. If he was just a bot of a dweeb then it would be mean to not invite him, but if he is a knob I definitely wouldn't invite him just because they are a couple. if she askef, I'd tell my friend why he wasn't invited too.

It's not saying you don't approve of her choices, that's neither here nor there. It's saying you don't want someone you actively dislike bringing an uncomfortable atmosphere to your wedding which you are footing the bill for and want happy memories of.

she might throw a paddy about it. if si, calmly reiterate your reasons. If she still gets mad, she values his feelings more than yours. ho hum.

CoffeeTea103 · 04/01/2014 10:03

Yanbu to not want him there but you have to accept that your friend most probably will not want to come too. Which choice would you be happier with ?

Trills · 04/01/2014 10:19

I would start by having a conversation with your friend about her partner's behaviour and how you are worried that it will disturb the wedding and upset other guests.

onedev · 04/01/2014 10:21

Is your friend aware of his behaviour & therefore likely to understand your viewpoint?

Otherwise I agree with the others - you need to be prepared to lose her friendship if he's the only friends partner that you aren't inviting.

Jengnr · 04/01/2014 10:25

Speak to your friend.

I don't think you should invite him but it would be a good idea to actually talk to her about why so that when the invite hits the mat she doesn't go bananas.

Does she know how you feel about him anyway?

Lilacroses · 04/01/2014 10:25

I agree with Trills. This isn't just a case of "don't know him very well". You have every right not to want to be uspet/worried about unruly guests at your own wedding. Have a talk to your friend and flag it up saying that you would be very, very upset if he didn't behave himself and see what she says.

greenfolder · 04/01/2014 10:34

Yanbu- if asked why you just say "after his behaviour at x and y I'm sure you'll understand."

lottiegarbanzo · 04/01/2014 10:41

Both or neither is the 'correct' answer.

He's her choice, she lives with the consequences. This won't be the only social event she's missed out on because he wasn't wanted, though she may not have known about them all.

You could certainly talk to her and ask how she'd like you to handle it but her answer will probably be that she'll keep him under control on the night. The alternative is admitting she's attached to a widely known dick, from whom other people feel the need to rescue her, which is pretty humiliating.

Peekingduck · 04/01/2014 10:45

Speak to her. If she's a friend she won't mind. She knows what he's like. I think you need to start from the position that you aren't going to have him at your wedding because of the way he's behaved in the past though, rather than leave any options for her to say she'll keep an eye on him.
Harsh, but I wouldn't handle it any other way.

Whathaveiforgottentoday · 04/01/2014 10:46

Both or neither. Its her choice to be with him, if you know her well enough and she knows your opinion of him perhaps you could talk to her about not bring him to the wedding. Either way, it should be her choice not yours as to whether she brings him.

Original poster
Kandypane · 04/01/2014 18:01

Thanks for advice everyone. I am definitely not inviting him, but will be inviting her. To make it clear it's not 'just' because I think he is a nob and dislike him. The two reasons are:

  1. He's knocked someone's teeth out at last wedding he went to.
  2. At the mentioned event, he was aggressive and threatening to people very close to me who will be at the wedding (including OH!)

Sorry I wasn't clearer in my original post.

So i guess I'll have to meet up with her with the invite and explain why he's not on it. I guess this will risk the friendship, but I can't have him there at the wedding, no way.

Thanks all again x

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 04/01/2014 18:06

I agree with both or neither, but if your going to go ahead with just inviting her then you are going to need to be very diplomatic in explaining it to her privately before the invitations go out, and don't expect her not to be offended despite you having good reason for not wanting him there.

patienceisvirtuous · 04/01/2014 18:09

No way should you invite him. If my DP was a violent thug G wouldn't expect him to be invited anywhere with me.

CasperGutman · 04/01/2014 18:13

From what you describe, there's an unacceptable risk that he'd seriously spoil the wedding day if you invited him, so YANBU to want to avoid that. It may cause awkwardness with your friend if you don't, but it'd have to be a pretty special friendship to make me invite someone with a history of drunken aggression towards the bridegroom if I were you!

CSIJanner · 04/01/2014 18:20

If he was like that at the last wedding and also aggressive towards your OH, then I think you might find your friend expecting the conversation.

Or half hoping the conversation might not happen and previous behaviour be swept under the proverbial carpet.

saulaboutme · 04/01/2014 18:22

Yanbu.

I was in the same situation and told my friend her dp wasn't invited. He's a total, total dick and a trouble maker. However, she said she understood at the time then the day before the wedding tried to convince me to change my mind or wouldn't come. I had to stick to my guns. Friendship ended I'm afraid.

I'm sure i've posted about this before. Her dp would have loved if I had let him come.

Definitely talk to your friend as he has a reputation. It's 50/50 but it is your wedding. You decide who you want there.

Weeantwee · 04/01/2014 18:30

It's your wedding, don't invite someone who you think poses a risk to you or your guests. Explain to your friend and leave the ball in her court with regards to her attending your wedding alone. Be prepared to potentially lose a friend if she thinks he's an angel.

CasperGutman · 04/01/2014 18:40

From what you describe, there's an unacceptable risk that he'd seriously spoil the wedding day if you invited him, so YANBU to want to avoid that. It may cause awkwardness with your friend if you don't, but it'd have to be a pretty special friendship to make me invite someone with a history of drunken aggression towards the bridegroom if I were you!

DontmindifIdo · 04/01/2014 18:52

I think given what happened at the last wedding, YANBU not to want him there, however you cant let her opening the invite be the first she knows about your decision. Sit her down as early as possible, and explain that given his pervious behaviour at a wedding and the animosity towards him from others in the wedding party (which is entirely due to his behaviour) you don't want him there. That you will invite her on her own or with a guest like her mum /friend (so she's not the only one on her own), but you will not invite him. If this will cause her problems at home to receive an invite without him on it, offer not to invite her at all to make life easier. (If that's how he behaves in public , I would assume he's worse in private)

Make it clear it's not just fear of how he will behave but other peoples reaction to him given his past actions. She can say she could make him behave better or say he won't do that again, make it clear it's also the other guests reaction to him that's the problem.

sykadelic15 · 04/01/2014 19:40

I agree with the suggestion of DontmindifIdo about not giving her the invite at all, lest he see it and get stroppy about not being on it and cause he trouble.

Meet up with her, hand her the invite, explain the situation but give her the opportunity to give you back the invite so she isn't caught with it.

I too get the feeling she won't be able to attend because he will make life difficult for her if she does.